The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Rob]

-

[Rob]

 

[MiCarr]

 

[amazing 1]

MiCarr you are indeed a sick sick man.

[Robspot]

What have MFI and John Prescott got in common?

A couple of loose screws and the cabinet falls apart. 

[Rob]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is  suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.  The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.  The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.  The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the  media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played  for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.  Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day: Your  father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed,  gang raped and beaten,  and your brother has joined a gang of looters. And  all while you were having such great >time."  The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so  sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[bird]

(stolen, and probably badly remembered, from private eye)

Ode To Silvio Berlusconi

So,
Farewell Sig. Berlusconi
So,
Farewell Sig. Berlusconi
So,
Farewell Sig, Berlusconi

It seems like
it's taking a while
for the news
to sink in.

[johnevans3]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for break- fast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
Also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Rhino]

What's the difference between the Highbury squirrel and Tottenham Hotspur?
The squirrel has champions league experience.

[johnevans3]

I just love Happy meals, both of them....

[Rob]

What's the difference between the Highbury squirrel and Tottenham Hotspur?
The squirrel has champions league experience.

 

[johnevans3]

THE DIET
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
he next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The
sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."  Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted
to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a
shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he
can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the
fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.  "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt
this good in years."  The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,  "If I catch you, you're
mine!"

[johnevans3]

....and another one.

 A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang. Upon entering the examination
room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all Your crose."
The woman did as she was  told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,
the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw
reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I
ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is
when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.
 
 



 
 
   
 

[tkm271]

I  never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
 
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Abs]

Great news.


A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.