The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Rhino]

A women wakes up after a good nights sleep, she turns to her husband and comments on the dream she had.
"I dream't you gave me a small gift wrapped present, and when i opened it it contained a diamond necklace, what could it mean."
The husband replied she would have to wait to see.
That evening the husband returns with a small gift wrapped present.
The wife excitedly opens it to reveal a small book entitled 'The  meaning of dreams'.

[neilsie]

ane and Steve are like any normal couple after 35 years, everything seems just too familiar.
They go to bed, wake up, go to work, home, bed and so on until one morning Jane wakes up and says to Steve,
I had a very weird dream last night. I dreamt that I went to a cock auction.
Steve, looking surprised, asks, What do you mean, what sort of cock auction?
Jane said, They were selling cocks. Big fat juicy cocks for £100, smaller thinner ones for £50 and small wrinkly old ones for £10.
Steve was thinking this was a little strange and asks Jane,
How much for one like mine?
Jane replies, They were giving them away for free at the door.

Steve goes to work really pissed off but the next day wakes up and says to Jane,
That dream you had last night, I had one just like that, but it was a pussy auction they were selling nice tight, smooth juicy pussies for £100, slightly looser with light stubble for £50 and wrinkly old dry pussy for £10.

Jane, looking for a compliment, turns over and asks, How much for one like mine?
Steve replies, Funny you should mention that, that’s where they were holding the auction.

[smokie]

I should probably delete that one Neilsie, but it made me laugh.

However, a gentle reminder to all that we do try to maintain a certain standard here...

[amazing 1]

HA HA ! Leave it.

[Ferrari Spider]

Three men; one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

"A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

"The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[Andy Zarse]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshellst ogether gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the  pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

[Ferrari Spider]

[DelBoy]

John is walking along the beach feeling depressed after going through a messy divorce when he comes across an old sealed bottle, which he opens and a Genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years. As a thankyou i grant you three wishes on condition your wife will get the same but much bigger." says the Genie.
John thinks for a minute and says. " I wish for 100 million pounds"
He instantly becomes rich. But his wife becomes a billionaire.
"I wish to be relly attractive to the opposite sex."
He instantly becomes very handsome. His wife becomes the most stunning women seen by man.
"For my last wish i wish for a mild heart attack"

....now the follow-up...



His wife had a heart attack much milder than his!!!


The moral is ....Choose your words carefully.

Del

[garystout]

Think thats wrong ?

[jpchenet]

[Rhino]

Things you'll never hear at a Nascar Race

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."

"Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"

"My God, this is a splendid Merlot!"

"Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

"Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."

"What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

"These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."

"And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"

[Doris]

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.  "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Rhino]

A man walks into a bar and orders two triple whiskys. The barman asks  'What you celebrating.'
'My first blowjob' the man replies.
'Congratulations' said the barman 'let me buy you another one.'
'Sure why not, if two won't shift the taste perhaps the third will.'

[garystout]

A man goes into a hairdressers, and asks "how long for a haircut" the hairdresser replies " 1 hour" , the guy says"  i will come back then" but never does, returns the next day to ask "how long for a haircut" "2 hours" says the hairdresser, but the guy dosnt return, only to come in the day after to ask "how long for a haircut" the hairdresser replies "at least 2 hours" curious the hairdresser tells the junior to follow him and see why he never returns, when the junior comes back the hairdresser asks "did you find out where this guy goes"  "yes says the junior , your house"

[Steve Pyro]

A woman's logic explained :-
 
 
The Points System
 
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
 
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and  you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
 
Here is a guide to the points system:
 
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow +8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
 
 
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18
 
 
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10
 
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
 
 
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15
 
 
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
 
 
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
 
 
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned  expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
 
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
 
 
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!