The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

[Steve Pyro]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[Brushy]

If Charles Kennedys car broke down would he phone the AA?

[johnevans3]

A Texan is drinking in a New York Bar.  He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy.
 
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.  One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
 
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
 
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
 
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star (beer), wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[smokie]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"!
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting

behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.
A little later, the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savoir?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the
butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
Again, the Nun said, "Very good!"
Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun then asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?"
And once again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.

[smokie]

WORST QUIZ ANSWERS EVER!!!!



>>Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
>>Contestant: Jool carriageway.
>>
>>Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
>>Contestant: Bombay.
>>
>>Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
>>Contestant: Crocodiles.
>>Robinson: Wh...?
>>Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
>>
>>Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
>>entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
>>Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
>>
>>Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written
>>by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
>>Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
>>
>>NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
>>
>>Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
>>initials G.B.S.?
>>Contestant: William Shakespeare.
>>
>>CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
>>
>>Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
>>Caller: Japan.
>>Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
>>that, I can let you try again.
>>Caller: Er... Mexico?
>>
>>FAMILY FORTUNES
>>
>>1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
>>2) A song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
>>3) Name the capital of France? F
>>4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
>>5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
>>6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
>>7) What is Hitler's first name? Heil
>> A famous Scotsman? Jock
>>9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
>>10) A dangerous race? The Arabs
>>11) Something that floats in a bath? Water
>>12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
>>13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
>>14) A famous Royal? Mail
>>15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
>>wings
>>16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
>>17) Something a cat does? Goes to the toilet
>>18) Something you do in the bathroom?  Decorate
>>19) A method of securing your home?  Put the kettle on
>>20) Something associated with pigs?  The Police
>>21) A sign of the Zodiac?  April
>>22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
>>23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
>>24) Something you put on walls? A roof
>>25) Something slippery? A conman
>>26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
>>27) A jacket potato topping? Jam
>>28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato
>>29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
>>30) Something red? My sweater
>>
>>RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
>>
>>Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
>>Contestant: Barcelona.
>>Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
>>Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in

Spain.

>>
>>STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
>>
>>Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
>>Contestant: India.
>>
>>Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
>>Contestant: Espresso.
>>
>>Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
>>Contestant: Sydney.
>>
>>THIS MORNING
>>
>>Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True


>>or false?
>>Contestant: True?
>>Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
>>show, so I'll give you that.
>>
>>BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
>>
>>Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel

last?

>>Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>>
>>BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
>>
>>Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
>>Contestant: Four.
>>
>>BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
>>
>>Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
>>Contestant: Er...
>>Wood:  It's got two syllables... Kor...
>>Contestant: Blimey?
>>Wood:  Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
>>Contestant: (Silence)
>>Wood:  OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
>>Contestant: Walked?
>>
>>DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
>>
>>Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
>>Contestant: Holland?
>>Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
>>Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
>>Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
>>Contestant: No.

[jpchenet]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and then said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar got the job and now works at a call centre for a major British bank!

[Steve Pyro]

15 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

3. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

4. Don't use any punctuation.

5. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

6. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

7.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

8.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day at work.

9.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

10.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

11.  Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

12.  When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

13.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

14.  Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

15.  Sing along at the opera.

[Bob U]

Barrymore gets new TV show

[jpchenet]

Big Brother has told Michael Barrymore that he must use the ashtrays in the house like everyone else and mustn't throw his used fags in the pool!

[jpchenet]

The Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that!"

[jpchenet]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.

[Stu]

Big Brother has told Michael Barrymore that he must use the ashtrays in the house like everyone else and mustn't throw his used fags in the pool!

His Mother actually has a boarding house in Blackpool. The advert reads, 'Come down to Blackpool and get the son on your back'

And on that note, another new item, Elton John is getting divorced after only a few weeks of marriage. Apparently his partner has been having sex behind his back.

[Bob U]

Paddy is doing well on "Who wants to be a millionaire"
He has already won £500,000, Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for £1000,000, "Who was the great train robber?"

"Was it    A- Ronnie Barker
               B- Ronnie Osullivan
               C- Ronnie Corbet or was it
               D- Ronnie Biggs ?"


Paddy says "Oi'll take der money Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his three lifelines left.
Paddy again says "Nope oi'll take der money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" asks Chris.
"No t'anks oi'll take der money. foinal answer"
"OK" says Chris lokking bemused "Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000, however, before you go I'm sure you will want to know what the answer was Paddy"

Paddy says "No yer alroight , oi knew der answer anyway t'anks Chris"
"You knew it anyway, are you mad ?" asks Chris, "Are you mental ?"
Paddy says "Oi moight be mental Chris....... But oi'm no feckin grass"

[Abs]

Honda v's Women
 
 Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
 for judgement at the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've
 been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
 reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
 
 Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
 out with God. I have a question for Him. St. Peter took Mr Honda to
 the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't
 you the inventor of women?", God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well,"
 said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major
 design flaws in your design;
 
 1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
 2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
 3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
 4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
 5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
 6- and I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs".
 
 Hmmmm, you do raise some good points "replied God, "Let's have a wee
 look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things
 and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be
 true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these
 numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."