The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Werner]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as
he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing
a long flowing white robe. "Who the hel_l are you?" Demanded Brian,
"and
what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can
only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing
there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a
hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are
you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid
an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first
time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and
he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

[sceetum]

What do you call a chav on a bike?
A thief!!

What do you call a chav on the back seat of a car?
Arrested!!

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!!

[Bob U]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a passing taxi, and the cabby says "Perfect timing, just like Frank"

Passenger "Who?"

Cabbie "Frank Fieldman, there's a guy  who did everything right, like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time"

Passenger  "They're always a few clouds over everybody"

"Not Frank, he was a terrific athlete. He would have won the Grand Slam at tennis, he could play golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano"

"Sounds like he was something really special"

"There's more............ He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which food to order and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything, not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out"

"Wow, some bloke then"

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid the jams, not like me I always seem to get stuck in them"

"There's not many like him around"

"And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothes were always imacullate, shoes polished too"

"An amazing fellow, how did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met Frank"

"Then how do you know so much about him?"



"I married his f**k*ng widow"

[johnevans3]

How good are you???

 The object is to move the red block around without getting hit by the
blue blocks or touching the black walls.
 
If you can go longer than 22 seconds you are phenomenal.  I was told that
the US Air Force uses this for
 
fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.  It's good for us wannabe race car drivers as well.

http://tinyurl.com/56t9u

[johnevans3]

1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
   You can drop her off anywhere.

2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
   Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
   Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

4. Where does virgin wool come from?
   Ugly sheep.

5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
   It isn't hard.

6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
   Call her from your cell phone.

7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding night?
   His last name.

8. What's the down side to a threesome?
   You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

9. How do you know you're really ugly?
   Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
    Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

11. What's the similarity between a hurricane and a redneck divorce?
    Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer...

[BigH]

Wahaay!! -

[rcutler]

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
    Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

I heard this as:-

Why is a hurricane like a marriage?
First there is a lot of blowing and sucking, then this b***h takes your car house and all you other belongings!

[Bob U]

This can only be for the joke thread

[Steve Pyro]

Fairy Tale

[Bob U]

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman sat in a bar.
They are having a nice time and all agree that it is a great place.

Then the Scotsman says "Aye, This is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Culbrokie, theres a better one. In the Culbrokie Inn, ye buy a drink, ye by another one and then the proprieter himself will buy yir the third one"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

The Italian says "Yeah, datsa nice a bar, but where I come from dersa better one. In Roma, dersa dis place, Vinchezos you buy a drink, Vinchezo buys you a drink, you buy another den Vinchezo buys you another"

They all agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Irishman says "You tink dats a good place? where oi come from in dublin ders dis place called Moypheys. At Moypheys dey buy yer the foist drink, dey buy yer the second drink, dey buy yer the tird drink and then dey take yer into de back room and get yer laid.

"Wow" said the other two "Thats fantastic did that actually happen to you ?"

"No" said the Irish guy "But it happeneed to my sister"

[knetter]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italien border. The Italian customs agent stops them and tels them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro"

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?"asks the German driver

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italien official

"Quattro ist just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car ist desgnt to kerry 5 persons"

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!"replies the Italien customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you ara therefora breaking the law"

The German driver replies angrily, "You ztupid idiot!, Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry, responds the Italina official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guysa in a Fiat Uno"

[Doris]

International Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.  Unless at the footy and your pies are getting wet.  Then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

· When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

· The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

· After wrecking your boss' car.

· One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

· When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem.  You didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

· Yeah, Baby, Push it!

· C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

· Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[jpchenet]

International Rules of Manliness


11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Or in a field in Le Mans in June if you bid high enough for charity on eBay. Not sure if you'd wnat it served topless though    

[LangTall]

If it's served by the mixer, you can skip the topless part indeed...

[Steve Pyro]

Two blonde girls were working for the local council. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably does looks odd. We're normally a three-person team."

"But today the girl who plants the trees is off sick."