The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left  testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"

[Steve Pyro]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

[Steve Pyro]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bed-side cabinet.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother, then?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands

"Thats me before the operation!".

[Bob U]

At last, the offside rule explained for girls.


You're in a shoe shop, second in line for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has also seen them and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you  had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilema.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch, she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip round the other  shopper, catch the purse and pay for the shoes.

However, until the purse has "actually been thrown" you are not allowed to move in front of the other shopper - (other wise you would be offside)

Easy.

[Nobby Diesel]

New phrase for 2006

 

> Phrase: Sol Campbell
>
> Context of Use: Bars/Pubs
>
> Example Usage: Are you going for a "Sol Campbell" tonight..??
>
> Definition: 'A quick half, then off home' (before getting Hammered)

[Nordic]

 
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes

this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports

personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation

with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never

shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

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The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart

disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long

and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

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'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

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I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around

2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust

the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent

by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

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The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD

pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from

legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop

breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

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Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader,

I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

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It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well

as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as

slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

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On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the

final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct

answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson

with?' to which I confidently replied 'c**t'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect,

but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately.

Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

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My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this? Alun Daniel

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I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping

his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own

drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

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I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it

they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived

between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday

between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I

would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my

house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The

shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

[Werner]

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't
read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
West Virginia family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to
change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
last week... the first time for three days and the
second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send... your Uncle
Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the
mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are
an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them
off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned
for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a
pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down
the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing
much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Mom

[jpchenet]

A drunk man sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis! ?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Lee Self]

:: POLITICAL HUMOR WARNING ::

So did you hear about Dick Cheney shooting that guy with the shotgun over the weekend?

Turns out he tortured they guy for 30 minutes first,  then shot him!

-Lee

 

[Pieter]

I once heard a very short English joke which took me a while to get:
A seal walks into a club...
That's it?
Yep, that's it.

[Bob U]

A teacher asks her class if they could use a sentance using the word "contagious".  Roland, the class swot, gets up and says,

 "Last year I had the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".

"Well done Roland" says the teacher "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,

"My Grandma says there is a bug going round and it is very contagious"

"Well done Katie" says the teacher "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent
 "Our neighbour is paintin his house wid a two inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".

[Neil]

A late Valentine present. Hopfully Smokie might allow this link to stay

http://www.ezgreatforyou.com/

[rcutler]

:: POLITICAL HUMOR WARNING ::

So did you hear about Dick Cheney shooting that guy with the shotgun over the weekend?

Turns out he tortured they guy for 30 minutes first,  then shot him!

-Lee

 

I heard the american public are urging Bush to join Cheney this weekend!!

[Lorry]

I'd heard that Cheney was out shooting Quayle

[Steve Pyro]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to England.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. England man for letting me in this country! "

But the passer-by says "You are most surely mistaken, I am Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!"

The person says "I no English. I from Hong Kong"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an English citizen?"

She says, "No, I from Bosnia!".

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?"

The Bosnian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."