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Bob U
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« Reply #765 on: February 16, 2006, 03:54:13 pm » |
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Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all his apostles and disciples to a meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commision made up of some of the members return to Earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret opperation was succesful and 2 days later the chosen disciples started to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock.
"Who is it "?
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul"?
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in"
Another knock.
"Who is it"?
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark"?
"Marijuana from Columbia"
"Very well son come in"
Another knock.
"Who is it"?
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mattew"?
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son come in"
Another knock.
"Who is it"?
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John"?
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son come in"
Another knock.
"Who is it "?
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke"?
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son come in"
another knock.
"Who is it"?
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring Judas"?
"FBI MOTHER f**ckERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL"
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« Last Edit: February 16, 2006, 03:56:42 pm by BOB U »
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Werner
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« Reply #766 on: February 17, 2006, 09:29:13 am » |
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Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is a lot prettier," she replies.
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"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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Doris
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« Reply #767 on: February 17, 2006, 11:34:57 am » |
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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy while they're lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Live imperfectly and with great delight.
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Lawnmower Man
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« Reply #768 on: February 18, 2006, 01:31:53 am » |
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What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."
t
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![](http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/cgi-bin/banner/ban/wxBanner?bannertype=wu_bluestripes_metric&airportcode=LFRM&ForcedCity=Le Mans&ForcedState=" for Le Mans, France Forecast")  La Légend s` écrit sous vos yeux. |
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Lawnmower Man
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« Reply #769 on: February 18, 2006, 01:35:27 am » |
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about Her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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La Légend s` écrit sous vos yeux. |
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Lawnmower Man
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« Reply #770 on: February 18, 2006, 01:44:50 am » |
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going,
he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
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La Légend s` écrit sous vos yeux. |
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Lawnmower Man
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« Reply #771 on: February 18, 2006, 01:45:38 am » |
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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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La Légend s` écrit sous vos yeux. |
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Doris
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« Reply #772 on: February 18, 2006, 02:45:23 am » |
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Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says...
'Any idea how you drive this thing?'
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Live imperfectly and with great delight.
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Bob U
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« Reply #773 on: February 22, 2006, 11:39:29 am » |
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First case of Bird Flu in Britain
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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jpchenet
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« Reply #774 on: February 28, 2006, 01:54:31 am » |
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An elderly couple were attending church. About half way through she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Andy Zarse
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« Reply #775 on: March 06, 2006, 05:58:02 pm » |
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Be warned of a new scam going on in Tesco's car park. When packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by two fit 21-year-old girls wearing tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their tits half hanging out and ask for a lift to the next town as payment. Along the way they strip and go down on each other and one then climbs into the front and sucks you off. The other one rather craftily nicks your wallet whilst you are distracted. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again yesterday. And it's being stolen again tomorrow.
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I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
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garystout
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« Reply #776 on: March 06, 2006, 08:08:29 pm » |
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Be warned of a new scam going on in Tesco's car park. When packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by two fit 21-year-old girls wearing tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their tits half hanging out and ask for a lift to the next town as payment. Along the way they strip and go down on each other and one then climbs into the front and sucks you off. The other one rather craftily nicks your wallet whilst you are distracted. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again yesterday. And it's being stolen again tomorrow.
Alert Smokie, people are copying your jokes  |
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Le Mans is for life, not just for Christmas
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johnevans3
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
 Offline
Posts: 478
Howdy Pardner
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« Reply #777 on: March 06, 2006, 10:42:24 pm » |
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
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garystout
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« Reply #778 on: March 06, 2006, 10:55:51 pm » |
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So the the son was playing with a loaded weapon with one in the chamber
Sorry
Gary
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Le Mans is for life, not just for Christmas
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Robbo SPS
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« Reply #779 on: March 07, 2006, 01:10:49 am » |
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Take life by the horns and live it.
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