Club Arnage

Club Arnage => General Discussion => Topic started by: smokie on July 22, 2003, 03:01:22 pm

Title: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on July 22, 2003, 03:01:22 pm: Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her."

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on July 22, 2003, 03:56:13 pm: :o I can't wait to hear the smart remaks that are to follow . :)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on July 22, 2003, 06:13:40 pm: Nice one Smokie!! :D

Why do women have legs??

Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?!?! ;D

Ah, the old ones are the best!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: wishy on July 22, 2003, 08:34:47 pm: And asnother old one!!!!

What do you call a woman with no legs??

A dirty c**t!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 23, 2003, 12:26:41 am: Corporate Blunder!
Powergen has formed an Italian division. They went for the obvious company name and then they registered a domain for it in the company name. This isn't a joke - the link is live..

www.powergenitalia.com
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on July 24, 2003, 10:35:23 pm: Q. Why do women have trouble having a pee in the morning?.

A..Have any of you blokes ever tried to open a cheese toastie.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on July 25, 2003, 06:22:00 pm: A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the interior light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Peter on August 05, 2003, 12:28:56 am: Waaay up in the Apalachian Mountains a young couple have just got wed. In their honeymoon cabin the groom is waiting for his young bride (bout 12 up there I should think) to appear from the bathroom, and out she steps.

"Esau" she says (they have that sort of name up there) "Esau, afore I come to bed I got something to tell you"

"Whats that Ellie May" he replies.

"Esau, I got to tell you Ize a virgin"

Well, Esau screams blue murder, leaps out of the bed, throws his clothes on and runs home, bursts in the door and confronts his father, sitting in front of the fire smoking his pipe. The father looks up and says

"Boy, what you doing home? You should be with your purty (like the accent?) young bride Ellie May"

"But Pa" says the lad "Ellie May done told me she's a virgin!"

"Damn" says the father "Damn! Well in that case you done the right thing coming home. If'n she ain't good enough for her own family she ain't good enough for ours"

Er, any CA members from the Appalachians?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on August 08, 2003, 10:55:22 am: A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"
Title: Why Americans Don't Understand Irony
Post by: smokie on August 13, 2003, 12:46:30 pm: [attachment deleted by admin due to age]
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on August 20, 2003, 04:32:05 pm: A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband

"I look horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies..... "Well your eyesight's f*cking spot on"

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on August 21, 2003, 02:22:41 pm: Hey Smokie,

Looking at the '24 hour' bit of the company name above the entrance door do you think the owners have permission to use this typeface from the ACO?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 07:39:58 pm: [attachment deleted by admin due to age]
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 03, 2003, 08:36:57 pm: Sorry pal, Smokie beat you to it.
http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=853;start=15
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 03, 2003, 09:57:31 pm: It's really supposed to be a subtle plan to get his member(ship) up...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 11:47:46 pm: I will need to talk to my mates who are obviously very slow in sending me their holiday photos , but how do get them first , do you know Mr and Mrs from nowhereville. ??

Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 03, 2003, 11:51:45 pm: Quote from: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 11:47:46 pm
Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.

It's not about the cars, but the size of your member ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 11:58:20 pm: steve , this is what you are doing to my jokes !!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 04, 2003, 12:02:47 am: [attachment deleted by admin due to age]
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 04, 2003, 12:05:54 am: Unleaded or Super ??
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 04, 2003, 12:07:12 am: four Star , with addative's
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 04, 2003, 01:02:18 am: I wish my car ran on that
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 04, 2003, 09:56:37 am: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/32610.html

Idiot!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 17, 2003, 02:31:51 pm: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have
experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous".

And so God snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too".

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:-

"Make 'em all ugly again".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 18, 2003, 06:28:49 pm: Red riding hood is walking thru the woods when
she see's a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams;
"Look, will you piss off, I'm trying to have a cr@p!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 21, 2003, 08:35:37 pm: For all you budding DIYers...

http://www.david.zen.co.uk/toolstore/
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on October 22, 2003, 09:50:32 am: John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 22, 2003, 10:24:40 am: [attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on October 22, 2003, 06:14:04 pm: SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of illness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called,
"Saturday" and "Sunday."

HOLIDAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: January 1st & December 25th and 26th.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for your dead friend, relative or co-worker. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the required funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks' notice, as you have a duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE
There is a strict 3-minute time limit on the use of the restroom
cubicles.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
lock and the cubicle door will open!

LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to
eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so
they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

THANK YOU
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Signed

The Management
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on October 23, 2003, 06:47:18 pm: Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your enquiry.

Kind regards

Mike Pashby
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 23, 2003, 09:52:38 pm: In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of cetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic
name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on October 24, 2003, 09:11:40 am: Excellent!!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 28, 2003, 10:44:10 am: An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar in Covent Garden one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 30, 2003, 04:35:15 pm: A family is driving through town. The son looks over the seat and asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of breasts?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age.

"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of willies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.

"In his twenties, a man's willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

With apologies to all the over-50s of course...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 11, 2003, 03:10:54 pm: [attachment deleted by admin - age > 25 days]
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 11, 2003, 04:03:05 pm: Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on December 11, 2003, 04:11:26 pm: 25 signs you've grown up:

1 Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2 Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3 You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5 You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel.
7 Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10 You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12 You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13 Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14 You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15 Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16 You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17 Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18 Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20 A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21 You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22 "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24 You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25 You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on December 15, 2003, 05:11:24 pm: This is really good.

Quantas Airlines

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form

what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on December 21, 2003, 02:14:07 am: 2 snow men in a field
1 snowmen says to the other "can you smell carrotts"???
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 29, 2004, 01:03:42 am: Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 03, 2004, 01:13:10 am: THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on February 03, 2004, 10:12:59 am: Nice one Smokie. :D The image left by the panda headline is quite, err, quite, well, um, quite, err :-X
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on February 03, 2004, 02:34:12 pm: Our local rag annouced in big bold letters

Dog Wins Award at Crufts
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chef on February 06, 2004, 03:49:48 pm: A guy is stood behind a girl at the local supermarket. watching her goods being scanned he recall what she has purchased.
1 tin of beans
1 banana
1 apple
1 frozen pie
1 pint of milk
1 potato
1 carrot
1 bag of crisps
1 chesse slice
ready meal(for 1)
1 tin of soup
a small pack of biscuits

at the check out he says to the girl
"i bet your single"
the girl replies
"why yes i am but how did you know"
guy replies

"cause your minging"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on February 10, 2004, 06:00:55 pm: FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the! five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD - (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her ! time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH - Again , not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done... "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD! - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint ! . Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on February 11, 2004, 10:29:07 am: LOL :) very good Russ.................

Paddy had been drinking in his local Dubllin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Irelands draw with Spain. Mick, the bartender says, "Youll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins round on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his faxce. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool, and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement (sidewalk in USA). He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus.....I'm fock*n' fock*d," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down the road, and crawls to the door, and shimmies up the door frame. He opens the front door and shimmmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fo*kin way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fo** it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy, did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "I did Jess. I was fo**in p**sed, but how'd you know?"

Mick called...........You left your wheelchair at the pub!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on February 11, 2004, 11:52:29 pm: ;D ;D ;D
Brilliant
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on February 17, 2004, 09:54:56 am: Blonde joke

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch
As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee:
'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... Very slowly?'

The blonde leaned over the counter and said,

'Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiing.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dijon Mustard on March 03, 2004, 07:38:44 pm: Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
"Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied,
Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, "OH MY GOD."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 04, 2004, 10:41:54 am: Caution

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "Beer", is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for 'no strings attached' sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women (Ten Pinters) to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".

It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer form of servitude and punishment known as "Marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Rick on March 04, 2004, 03:31:19 pm: Brilliant Steve! Already on it's way to my joke buddies!!

;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 04, 2004, 03:39:50 pm: Nice one Steve..

Here's another.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

'' Top of the mornin to yer, sir'' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello'' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

''What are those, asks the attendant.

''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.

''Well, what on God's earth are dey for.'' inquires the Irishman.

''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving, says Tiger.

''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Irishman, ''BMW thinks of everything''
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dark Warrior on March 04, 2004, 03:50:30 pm: A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another
survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... it's
Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. :P

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything".

"Well there is one thing - would you mind putting on my
shirt?" he says

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" Kylie said.

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 04, 2004, 05:24:09 pm: Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 04, 2004, 06:02:47 pm: Oh dear, this all sounds extremely familiar - at least I thought it did - but I've forgotten.

Bugger......
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on March 05, 2004, 01:16:24 pm: LOL Brilliant Nordic. Reminds me of something..................now what was it? ::)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 05, 2004, 05:00:00 pm: Paddy, the Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought in Sean to identify the body. Sean took one look at him and said Yup, he's been burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Sean said "Well, Paddy had two a**eholes".
"What, he had two a**eholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a**eholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say.... "Here comes Paddy with them two a**eholes".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 05, 2004, 05:21:41 pm: Then after he was actually identified as being Paddy, (two arseholes or not) the Solictor read his will; Paddy had asked to be buried at sea.

So Sean and Seamus put Paddy's body into a boat and rowed out from the beach. After a hundred yards Sean said to Seamus "Roight, stop the boat". He jumped out and ended up to his waist in the water. "No good" he said "It's not feckin' deep enough here".

They rowed out for another hundred yards and again they stopped the boat. Sean jumped out, this time up to his neck "No" he said "Still not deep enough".

Another hundred yards later they stopped the boat and Sean jumped out and vanished beneath the waves, leaving only his flat cap floating on the top. Thirty seconds later he spluttered to the surface.

"It's ok" he said, "It's deep enough here. Roight Seamus, pass me that spade..."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 05, 2004, 08:11:41 pm: A two seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into a graveyard near Galway. Rescue teams don't expect any survivors and have so far recovered 287 bodies!! ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 06, 2004, 10:45:35 am: An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4.

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.

" Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 06, 2004, 07:21:11 pm: LMAO v good steve
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 08, 2004, 10:19:18 am: Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool... ;D ;D

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Liszt on March 08, 2004, 01:54:20 pm: Quote from: Robbo SPS on October 23, 2003, 06:47:18 pm
Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your enquiry.

Kind regards

Mike Pashby

This is older than I am. Think there was even a song with the immortal lines "and I met the barrel coming down"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on March 08, 2004, 02:23:52 pm: Quote from: Abs on March 08, 2004, 10:19:18 am
Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool... ;D ;D

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........

Aha - this one's doing the rounds again then.

Posted back last July - http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=848

Still, the better ones are always worth repeating ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 08, 2004, 08:33:13 pm: For your other halves

Marriage part 1

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."

> > > >> > > Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to
make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite
of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on March 10, 2004, 06:52:52 pm: A little story about my Ex

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

" Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I
said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a
few
inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on March 10, 2004, 07:32:01 pm: So, this futures broker gets sick of the rat race and fucks off to the Highlands of Scotland and buys a remote crofters smallholding and relaxes in solitude.
One afternoon, there's a knock at the door and on answering it, the city slicker beholds a six foot eight inch Jock, bright ginger beard, sporran, the works.
"I thought I'd better introduce myself - my name's McTavish and I'd like to invite you to a party I'm hosting tonight" booms the giant of a man.
The yuppie's feeling a bit lonesome, so he says, "Yeah, that would be great".
"Aye, but I have to warn you, there'll be a fair bit o' drinking going on" says McTavish.
"That's OK" says the broker, "I like a drop of malt".
"Aye and there'll be a good deal o' fighting going on", warns McTavish.
"Well, I'm not a violent man", says the broker, "But I can look after myself, in a pinch".
"Aye and there'll be a hell of a lot o' shagging going on", whispers the giant McTavish.
The yuppie thinks "Great, I haven't had my end away for months" and exclaims, "Sounds good to me - how many people will be there?"
So, McTavish leans down into his face and says, "Just the two of us, laddie, just the two of us".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 10, 2004, 07:54:16 pm: Nice one Matt!!!! Now, where's the phone number of the Scottish guy I used to work with! ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on March 10, 2004, 08:57:19 pm: Hey! we've started now! What? You want another one?

These two guys were stood at an airline check-in desk, at which was seated a particularly gorgeous check-in clerk, with knockers that looked like a dead heat in a Zeppelin race.
A little distracted, one of them says, "Err, two pickets to Tittsburg please".
Terribly embarrased, he turns to his mate and says, "That came out wrong - that's called a spoonerism, you know - when you think something, but it comes out all wrong".
"Really", says the other dude, "I had one of them this morning, at breakfast - what I meant to say was "Would you please pass the toast dear", but what came out was, "You've ruined my life, you fat, ugly bitch"".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ruptured Duck Motorsport on March 10, 2004, 09:16:59 pm: n Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all trapped on the roof of a burning building.
The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto. They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad, The Scotsman goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away and He splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to the Englishman to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant, high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is the Irishman. But he's not having any of it....
"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts the Irishman.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies.
"But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move at least ten yards away from it..."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 12, 2004, 03:56:46 pm: Bit of a slow news day...

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly
A rubber glove
And a mug of beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled...

Nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 15, 2004, 10:08:04 am: Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on March 15, 2004, 11:13:28 am: LOL, nice one Nordic ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 15, 2004, 02:57:28 pm: Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gab on March 16, 2004, 06:52:53 am: ...and now a few for the old timers amongst us (I being one of the above mentioned),

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________________________________________

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
____________________________________________

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's
Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________________

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked
at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been
friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing i t. She was getting nervous. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 16, 2004, 02:03:10 pm: A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 17, 2004, 06:37:48 pm: I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.

What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.

Ans. They both get sucked off in bogs.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Simon (WRC GT4) on March 17, 2004, 09:33:46 pm: Quote from: Stu on March 17, 2004, 06:37:48 pm
I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.

What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.

Ans. They both get sucked off in bogs.

??? ??? Don't know where i've been then cos i've not heard that before ::)

Made me laugh anyway ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 23, 2004, 10:18:19 am: Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.

The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on March 23, 2004, 11:09:43 am: This is an easy one, I'll leave it for a bit though...
H
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Rick on March 23, 2004, 11:49:45 am: Quote from: smokie on March 23, 2004, 10:18:19 am
Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.

The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?

Alimentary my dear Watson! As H sez - easy-peasy lemon squeezy. This is the sort of thing that might crop up in the 11+ - talking of which, anyone been on Friends Reunited recently - you can retake 11+ papers against the clock!! Good fun if you like that sort of thing - I'm off to stick some pins in me legs instead.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 11:16:50 am: Business was bad. The boss had to dismiss one of his employees. It came down to Jack or Jill.
He called Jill into his office and said, "Jill, I have to lay you or Jack off."
"You're going to have to jack off then, cos I've got a headache," Jill responded.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 11:19:05 am: A wife decides she will take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Ray! How ya doin?"

His wife is surprised and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no." says Ray. " He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Ray if he'd like his usual and brings over a Manhatten.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says
"How did she know that you like Manhatten's?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League honey.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Ray and says "Hi Ray. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Ray's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Ray follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, " Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight Ray."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 11:25:43 am: A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on March 29, 2004, 01:41:15 pm: LOL ;D Very good Steve
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 29, 2004, 08:45:41 pm: Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything- the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,
postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.

I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 10:46:17 pm: Excellent Smokie ;D

(http://www.maxsnax.g2gm.com/images/dog_-_cartoon_14.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 30, 2004, 09:11:49 am: Quote from: smokie on March 23, 2004, 10:18:19 am

The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?

Did they spend it on whores?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 30, 2004, 10:44:48 am: Dunno. Never worked it out...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 30, 2004, 11:48:16 am: Blonde Joke

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double glazed energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 31, 2004, 12:38:52 am: On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he
told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on March 31, 2004, 04:59:35 pm: A man gets out of the shower on a hot morning and says to his wife.

" what do will the neighbours think if I cut the lawn naked this morning?"

His wife replies

" well they will find out that I married you for the money!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man asks his wife

" Why are you ironing your bra, you have nothing to put in it!"

His wife replies

" I iron you pants don't I"

That is it for now, save some for Le Mans.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on April 02, 2004, 01:30:47 am: Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party
in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and
music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters,
champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim
Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and
over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his
skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "Party's just got started. How's about I
get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the
'how's yer father?'"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the
gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in
close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks
Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service
to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!"
and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door
opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the
face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls............. You're only supposed to blow the
bloody Doors off..."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on April 02, 2004, 09:12:35 am: LOL. brilliant Robbo ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on April 11, 2004, 07:04:19 pm: It’s a bit political but clever and to the point!

I come for visit, get treated regal,

So I stay, who care I illegal?

I cross border, poor and broke,

Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,

Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,

We send plenty cash right to your door."

Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,

NHS, it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,

Thanks to you, British dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them come as fast as you can.

They come in rags on the back of trucks,

I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,

More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,

But neighbour's patience wearing thin

Finally, British guy moves away,

Now I buy his house, and then I say,

Find more aliens for house to rent."

And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),

But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is mucho good,

And soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby-it's called breeding,

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

Britishman crazy! He pay all year,

To keep us illegals in comfort here.

We think UK is very good place!

Much too good for the British race.

If they not like us, they can go,

There's lots of room elsewhere you know....

SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 11, 2004, 07:55:10 pm: Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on April 12, 2004, 07:39:51 pm: Quote from: smokie on April 11, 2004, 07:55:10 pm
Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended
I wont as long as you diont kick me off this forum as the ferry spotters did on theirs.

Something about them being "ferry lovers " HELP !!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 13, 2004, 11:58:11 am: Following todays news reports:

Man walks into a bar with a baby seal under his arm, puts the seal on a bar stool and sits down himself.
Barman looks at him with a quizical expression on his face, and asks ' What can I get you?'

Man replies ' A pint of best for me please, and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on April 13, 2004, 05:57:51 pm: Piece of red tarmac and a pice of green tarmac walk into a bar. Barman says to the red tarmac "I'm not serving him, hes a cycle path"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Simon (WRC GT4) on April 14, 2004, 12:38:50 am: Found this posted on another site, thought it quite good as there maybe the posibility of a good ruby murry in MB......

Sing the words to the Queen song
"Bohemian Rhapsody" for full effect

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh ooooh
This korma is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on April 14, 2004, 07:53:13 pm: Quote from: Barry on April 13, 2004, 11:58:11 am
and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '

:-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X

Beast ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 17, 2004, 03:41:30 pm: Here are a few (sorry arsenal fans) sorry fan ;D

What do David Beckham and George Micheal have in common?

They both come in loos.

------------------------------------------------------

Why do housewives love arsenal?

They stay on top for months , then come second.

-------------------------------------------------------

Highbury Arms

Sign saying:- Don't ask for trebles as a smack in the gob usually offends.

-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a Gunner and a Alcoholic?

An alky hangs onto his doubles and trebles!

----------------------------------------------------------

What does an arsenal fan do when his team get to the champions league semi finals?

Turn off the playstion.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 17, 2004, 03:43:59 pm: A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven," Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 19, 2004, 08:36:07 pm: A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on April 20, 2004, 12:43:13 am: For those in need of a few hi tech tips can I recommend Dr Clifs Garage.

http://www.cardhouse.com/drcliff/garage/tech/techsupport.htm
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on April 22, 2004, 02:46:18 pm: According to the papers there are allegations of Michael Jackson having an affair with Victoria Beckham. Michael Jacksons lawyers deny these allegations claiming that their client was in Brooklyn at the time.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on April 22, 2004, 03:29:13 pm: :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 30, 2004, 11:27:07 am: Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 30, 2004, 12:29:48 pm: Why do they use A,B,C,D,E,F,FF to define bra sizes

A- Absent
B- Barely Visible
C- Come in Useful
D- Damn Good
E- Enormous
F- Fantastic
FF- F**king Fake

;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 30, 2004, 02:44:22 pm: A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy
with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy,

"Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little
lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse
and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to
find out for herself, so she spent the night with
him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before." The woman replied, "Don't be
flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some
boots that fit.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on May 04, 2004, 12:59:01 pm: A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth. A young nurse appears and begins to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my
testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and
takes a close look, and say's, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very
nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 07, 2004, 02:04:16 pm: Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager" he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the loo. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and started at him.
The Irishman finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettinga fax."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 11, 2004, 12:27:20 pm: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on May 11, 2004, 07:32:55 pm: 'Kin ace Mark. ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 12, 2004, 11:55:30 am: Not a joke but...........

[attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on May 12, 2004, 11:56:07 am: The SAS, the Parachute Regiment, and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together, to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go into the woods and catcha rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls and the SAS are first up. They done infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakeable muffled "phut - phut" of their trademark silenced "double tap". they emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent" remarks the trainer, and sends in the Paras.

they finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camoflage cream, fix bayonets and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring wiht the sound of rifle and machine gun fire, had grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.

eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well dne" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind their backs, whisling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of walkie talkie " Sierra Lima Whisky Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you........" etc. After what seems like an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take that squirrel back, and get me a rabbit like I asked you to 5 hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn into hours, night drags on, and turns into day. The next morning the trainer, and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, with one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the p**s!!?" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks "Alright, Alright,............I'm a f**king rabbit".

sorry robbo ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Simon (WRC GT4) on May 14, 2004, 12:24:42 am: In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 25, 2004, 04:02:42 pm: A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with.
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan.

“Well then do I get the job?” “No, you piss about too much!!”
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 25, 2004, 04:04:07 pm: “Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...f**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t”.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 25, 2004, 04:06:10 pm: A man was told his wife was sick, and that she either had AIDS or Alzheimers - they weren't sure which. He asked a friend if he could offer any advice... The friend suggested the following: “Take her to a remote part of the country, somewhere where she's never been before, and drop her off. If she finds her way home... don't f**k her.”
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 25, 2004, 06:13:26 pm: A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Just look at his clothes. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."........

..... to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you had a cute ass and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 25, 2004, 06:17:12 pm: A man walks into a fish & chip shop with a fish under hid arm.
'Do you have any fish cakes?' he asks.
'Yes, of course,' says the fish shop owner.
'Great,' replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, 'It's his birthday'
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on May 25, 2004, 06:40:32 pm: A Fish swims into a wall...

Dam.

::)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 25, 2004, 06:42:11 pm: Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f**k*ng think so".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ridefast on May 26, 2004, 04:16:04 pm: From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: From The Cave, Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation
.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on May 26, 2004, 06:32:21 pm: 'kin ace ridefast. Are you now taking refuge from the jihad with your name on it! ;) ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 27, 2004, 12:54:27 am: A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "Grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.

" Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, my Dad says it will take the contagious".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 03, 2004, 10:30:59 am: Men strike back :

How many men does take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on June 04, 2004, 10:06:16 am: In a train carriage there were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That dirty Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:17:07 pm: A few pictures to get the humor going.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:18:00 pm: For those of you that will not shave over the weekend
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:18:40 pm: For the Guiness drinkers among us
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:19:28 pm: Pre-Race preparations
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ridefast on June 09, 2004, 12:20:24 pm: A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ridefast on June 09, 2004, 12:27:10 pm: And another oldie that has re-surfaced...

Subject: The joys of getting older

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Okay," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a ch uckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.

She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks: "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 18, 2004, 01:10:11 pm: A Man staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A Lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The Gentleman says: " I'd like a bl0w j0b, a missionary sh@g, @n@l doggy style, some mild b0ndage, finishing off with a t1t w@nk, Is that OK?

The lady says: " It sounds interesting, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first ".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on June 23, 2004, 12:30:14 pm: This is unbelievable...........definitely worth the read....

then look at the pic....

A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine

Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were

on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a

week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought a one-metre high,

rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home

Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard,

and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while

watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the

cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver

all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again. He

was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the

state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the

state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions.

How Tall is it? Has it flowered? etc.

Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your

family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus

expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front

nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 20 minutes.

  Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an

ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out

and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said.

A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a

space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what

looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He

headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the

cactus spraying it up and down. After a few minutes the

flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and

spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens

were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert

appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder.

  "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says

the cactus man.

  He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the

cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger

striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of

two hand spans.

  The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this

type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to

full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus

just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders

are flung from it, dispersing everywhere.

They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house

and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated:

police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was

allowed in for two weeks.

  And here's what one of the bastards looks like sitting on a

full size dinner plate.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 23, 2004, 04:06:03 pm: List of places I'd like to visit.

Kenya
Bali
~~Mexico~~
Sun City

Cheers Nordic!! :o
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 23, 2004, 04:43:41 pm: Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other

How the F*ck do you drive this thing?

(http://www.inference.phy.cam.ac.uk/mcdavey/pics/2000/fish.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on June 23, 2004, 05:20:43 pm: On the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple have just peeled off and got into bed, when she asks him:

"Do you remember what you were thinking fifty years ago now?"

"Yup," replies her husband " I remember on our wedding night, I was thinking about sucking your t!ts dry, and f@cking you senseless!"

"Ooh you dirty old devil" she coos "And what are you thinking now?"

"To be honest," he says "I was thinking what a good job I've made of it!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Co Pilot on June 23, 2004, 05:59:55 pm: Portuguese stadium officials have announced that David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.

A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well." ::)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 24, 2004, 04:50:27 pm: Who has the ugliest wife?

Two guys sitting in a bar arguing about who's wife is uglier. After
two hours back and forth arguing one says lets go to my house and I
will show you an ugly wife. So they went to his house and saw his wife
and the other guy says ya she's real ugly but now we got to go to my
house and see my wife. They pulled into the back of the house and
walked up the stairs into the kitchen and he moved a rug and under the
rug was a trap door. He stomped on the trap door with his foot and
then opened it and yelled honey I'm home and she yelled back do you
want me to put the bag on? and he said NO I don't want to f*ck you I
just want to show you to someone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: Doctor I need some more sleeping pils for the wife.
Doctor: Why ?
Man: She's woken up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife is so ugly that when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said "something to go in my bath" - so I got her a toaster.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was f**ck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

Report to moderator Logged

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wifes that ugly she must have been conceived on a day trip to Sellafield. She went to bed last night for her beauty sleep and set her alarm clock for November. When we got married it was a fairy tale wedding...... Grimm.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't talked to my wife for 3 months.

It's not that we've had a row.

It's just rude to interrupt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife likes to talk when I'm banging away from behind... but it's not easy to hold a phone as well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make the wife cry during sex?

A. Phone her.

Q. How do you make your woman scream during sex

A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q. How do you make your wife buck like a horse during sex?

A. Slap her arse and tell her her sister is better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A. None, it should be open when given to him!

Q. What have you done wrong if your wife comes into the lounge to nag you?

A. Made the chain too long!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the woman cross the road?

Sod the road.. what the f*ck is she doing out of the kitchen!!??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What you call a women who washes the dishes with one hand, makes the tea with the other, does the laundry with one foot and vacuums with the other foot.

A Swiss Army wife.

Their getting worse now.

Wife to husband: There's 3 flies in here
Hubby yes 2 are male and ones female.
How do you know that says the wife.

well 2 are on the can of beer and ones on the phone..

And the old chestnut:-

2 married women go out for a night on the town and get wasted.
On the way home one says,'I'm dying for a wee' the other says so am I, I'm bursting. I won't make it home, Lets go in that Graveyard. So of they go and do the business behind the grave stones. Hell says one, I havn't got any thing to clean myself with, I'll just have to use my knickers and throw them away. I'm not using mine says the other, they cost me £40, I'll use this bunch of flowers. So they clean themselves and go home.
Next morning hubbys are talking. Thats the last time I let her go to town. Last night she came home with no Knickers on. Thats fuuk all said the other. Mine had a card stuck up her arse that said, 'We'll never forget you'

Thats it Goodnight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a woman cum?...Who cares!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women fake orgasm ..... because they think men care!

Why do women get married in white??

To match the rest of the kitchen appliances!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on July 03, 2004, 02:32:05 pm: Made me smile :)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 07, 2004, 11:04:50 am: All you can eat Curry House ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on July 07, 2004, 11:59:12 am: When in Antigua, I went in a shop called 'Crabhole Liquors', but this has to be better:
(http://www.appliedinspection.co.uk/images/image8.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on July 07, 2004, 05:43:34 pm: Well know chinese restaurant in Kings Road during 70's at worlds end was called Ho Lee Fook, or Ecstasy by the regulars.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on July 14, 2004, 05:17:51 pm: A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy
would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed
by his sensitive side.

She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes &
and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with him, they
are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over
and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on July 14, 2004, 05:23:28 pm: One day, a young lad enquires of his mother: "How come I'm black and you're white?"
"Don't even go there," replies Mum "from what I remember of that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 14, 2004, 05:28:03 pm: How to shower like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and colours.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower - Wash your face. - Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair - Make shampoo Mohawk.

Pee. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on the floor.

Admire knob size in mirror again.

Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

Throw wet towel on bed. Job done!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 14, 2004, 05:31:46 pm: Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 19, 2004, 09:03:33 pm: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 21, 2004, 12:16:18 pm: A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. " Breast fed," she replied. " Well strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously and thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Co Pilot on July 23, 2004, 03:03:47 pm: There's a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The NASA headquarters in Houston calls the shuttle after
exiting the Earth's atmosphere:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature
in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey makes the necessary pressure, temperature changes,
and releases the oxygen

A few moments later Houston calls again:

"Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,
to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation.

So the monkey makes the necessary carbon dioxide and fuel changes, adds
the nitrogen and does the analysis of the solar radiation.

A little later on, Houston calls again:

"Woman, woman please approach the television screen."
The woman moves to the screen and sits down and just as she
is about to be told what to do she says.....

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a f*cking thing."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dark Warrior on July 28, 2004, 12:47:29 pm: Two blokes, Jack & Mike, are in the pub Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like f**k. I think I need to see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to to do that" Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Sainsbury’s. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs a fiver...a lot less hassle than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Sainsbury’s… He deposits his fiver, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and w****d into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Sainsbury’s, eager to check the results. He
deposits another fiver, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Thank you for shopping at Sainsbury’s
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on July 28, 2004, 07:52:12 pm: A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says £1,000".

The Father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on July 30, 2004, 02:34:56 pm: This was posted on the Nissan 200SX owners'club website last night, and
got distributed to other sites...

"Was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple
of miles and breathalised.Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was no
surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was particularly
disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddy with me in the car.

I was arrested and read my rights.It was all a very salutary experience,
especially when the copper got shirty because I found the whole business
side-splittingly funny His mate, whilst the arrest took place went and
had a good look round the car, came back and started whispering to the
other copper. They are whispering frantically at each other and neither
of them look very pleased.

Copper turns to me and starts accusing me of wasting police time, he
calls me a tw*t. I point out he's just sworn at a member of the public,
in front of an 18 month old child and that I'll report him for conduct
unbecoming.

Plod get back in their car and drive off,with the copper who'd had a
look round my car laughing his head off.

And the moral of the story for the police is....

....................
...................
..................
.................
................
...............
..............
.............
............
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.

Always check whether a car is left or right hand drive before
breathalising the guy in the right hand seat"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 30, 2004, 02:39:03 pm: Very good Russ, all the more reason for buying a Corvette.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Jeremy on August 07, 2004, 02:46:54 pm: Registration Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out
the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions
is not required, but the information will help us to develop new
products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_]

Classified [_] Presidente [_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......

4. Serial Number: ................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / all
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
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that apply:
[_] Communist / Socialist
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[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
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[_] Credit card
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[_] Traveller's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
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[_] Defence Minister / General
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participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
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[_] Fashion clothing
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[_] Mutually Assured Destruction > >

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
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Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
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As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to
win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 09, 2004, 01:34:30 pm: A man wanders into the doctor's surgery.

"I have a problem, doctor" says he.
"That's what I'm here for sir. Tell me all about it." replies the medic.

"Well.. it's a bit embarrassing really..."
"Don't worry," says the Doctor, "all you say is in complete confidence".

"Well... OK..." says the man, "It's like this:
When I get home at night, after a hard day in the office, it's all I can do to fight my wife off me. She won't give me any of the food she's cooked until I satisfy her sexually, completely."
"Right, " says the medic, "is this a problem for you?"
"No! " says the man, "Not at all I love my wife dearly, and I'm glad that she loves me. It's just that, after eating my supper, she drags me to bed immediately."
"Does that feel uncomfortable for you?" asks the doctor.
"No! We make live until two or three in the morning most nights. It's great! But when I wake up she makes me do it again."
"How does she do that?" the Doctor says (a grin spreading across his face).
"You know! The same as any women would!" says our man, "After that I drag myself off to work. At the bus-stop I always meet my neighbour."
"And how does he fit into this?" asks the confused medic.
"Actually, I fit into her rather well... Too well in fact. She insists on my attention every morning."
"I think I'm beginning to understand your problem" says the doctor, "carry on."
"Well, eventually the bus comes and I make it as far as the station. It doesn't matter what carriage I take, this young girl is always in the same one. She grabs me and before I'm at my destination we're going at it. It doesn't matter what I try."
"Oh!" says the doctor, "I can see why that might make you uncomfortable".
"No it's not that!" exclaims the man, "No! When I get to work I get about an hour to organise myself before my secretary comes in. She drags me into the stationery cupboard and makes love to me there."
"Are you worried about all these women then?" asked the puzzled practitioner.
"Just listen!" commands our man, "At lunchtime, my boss take me out to lunch. See buys me a sandwich and the forces me into the toilets where she proceeds to take advantage of my manhood in every way she can."
"Well, this all sounds very uncomfortable to me, " proffers the doctor, "perhaps I could put you in touch with a solicitor to start an industrial tribunal".
"No! That's not what I want at all!" shrieks the chap.
"Well, what then?"
"After lunch my secretary detains me until 5:30 or until she is satisfied - whichever is the later. On the train home I see the young girl again. I'm pressed into more regular service that Connex South Central!
When I stagger to my bus, I'm dragged onto the top deck by my neighbour. She proceeds to work me like a mule until we arrive home. I walk into my house only to be prevailed upon by wife again!"
"Erm... I'm a bit baffled." says the doctor, "What exactly is your problem?"

"It hurts when I have a w*nk."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on August 09, 2004, 03:10:24 pm: Tech Support

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 19, 2004, 07:19:12 pm: Looks vaguely familiar ???
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 20, 2004, 06:46:23 pm: Enjoy the joke!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.

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Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

*** Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 20, 2004, 07:07:06 pm: Young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home.

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing.
Title: If Men wrote Cosmopolitan
Post by: Werner on August 31, 2004, 11:50:33 am: If Men wrote Cosmopolitan Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on August 31, 2004, 06:27:51 pm: How to be a MAN
Oh so true!

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her

hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She

didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even

saying it to kids makes you the man

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A

Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning

the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?

Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't

whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,

lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge

pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging

your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.

Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir

paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but

even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been

partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence

of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it

look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes

for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the

past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need

or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!

Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It

doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed.

However,the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,

apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast

man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.

Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little

changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with

any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying

the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The

only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,

we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it

is then.Seven. Seeya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can

Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,

technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have

toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can

stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the

beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if

you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain

haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For

that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says

that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the

shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you

while you were in hospital".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on September 02, 2004, 06:03:28 pm: Robbo can't be the last one on this....

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 08, 2004, 10:43:46 am: Potentially vs realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned".

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that".

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity".

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically"?

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers".

The father replied "That's my boy."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on September 10, 2004, 08:48:13 am: Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to bomb next, when his phone rang. "Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!" "Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"

"Well lets see there's me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team." "Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers." Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."

"What would that be" Saddam asked. "Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied. Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke." "I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."

Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday." "Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back" Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off." "I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam. "Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on September 10, 2004, 08:51:29 am: Very good Gilles, although I think I might have heard that one before ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 15, 2004, 09:49:54 am: A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
   counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
   I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says,
   "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
   who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
   You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
   Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
   to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
   above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says,
   "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 15, 2004, 09:52:23 am: No more nails - it does what it says on the tin.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 16, 2004, 04:21:26 pm: Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What' s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely ( she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. "

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 17, 2004, 09:49:31 am: Get your toasting fork ready Nordic cause your gonna burn in hell. But it is very funny.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 17, 2004, 11:30:17 am: This is a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some building workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant plot. One day a constuction crew turned up to build a house on the vacant plot. The young families 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her ,let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and they even gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important. At the end of the week they presented her with her own pay packet cotaining £5.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate of admiration and suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and ask the little girl how she had come accross her very own pay packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house"
"My goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week ?"
The little girl replied " I will if those useless ****s at B&Q ever bring us the ****ing plasterboard.

LOL but more stars next time please Bob! smokie
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on September 20, 2004, 05:35:36 pm: Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter,
decided they should go to college so they could get
ahead.

Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him
to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the
professor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Sure do," the redneck responded.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a
yard," the professor went on.

"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you
also have a house. Is that right?"

"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to
take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you
have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching
on now.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can
assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual.
Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most
fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to
take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him,
walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still
waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter
asks.

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you
own a weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

"You're Queer, aintcha?"

??? ??? ???
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on September 20, 2004, 11:09:28 pm: Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Cherie "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Winston Churchill's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Winston told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Tony's clock?" asked Cherie

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on September 21, 2004, 06:20:20 am: "Old" is when . . .

-Your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
-A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
-You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
-Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
-"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
-An "All nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 23, 2004, 12:44:56 pm: A Jelly Baby walks into a pub and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading for that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate I'm a soft centre I always end up getting my head kicked in". So Smartie says "Don,t worry about it I'm a hard case I'll look after you". Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you look after me" and of they go.
After a few more beers in the club three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them Smartie hides under a table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls up his battered jelly body over to the table and wipes up his jelly blood turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me"
"I was" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*****g menthol
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 25, 2004, 06:49:56 pm: This isn't a joke but I didn't think it merited a new thread of its own...

http://korwww.free.fr/stationessence_feu.avi
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on October 01, 2004, 06:40:35 pm: A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He
swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name.."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

DB (Aka Paddy)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on October 03, 2004, 11:55:55 am: LOL ;D ;D ;D

'kin ace Del Boy
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 07, 2004, 01:50:18 pm: An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied " Put them between your legs. Your body heat will soon warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up .
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied "Put them between my legs my body heat will soon warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was againin the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied Put it between my legs the warmth of my body will soon warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day he was again riding with the daughter and said "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her " Have you ever heard of a penis ?" Slightly concerned the mother said " Why, yes, why do you ask?" The daughter replies "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost don't they?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Co Pilot on October 14, 2004, 09:57:35 am: A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 15, 2004, 10:22:27 am: Women eh? Botox, boob jobs, face lifts, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed and they won't take it up the arse cos they say it HURTS!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 15, 2004, 10:55:32 am: A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that
were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8 )

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 15, 2004, 11:25:53 am: LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 15, 2004, 12:03:15 pm: A touch cruel
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 15, 2004, 12:40:32 pm: Quote from: BOB U on October 15, 2004, 11:25:53 am
LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.
Sorry Bob, due to my blackened cajun sense of humour, Superman gets the nod from me.

Sick Nordic, but ironic no the less.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 15, 2004, 03:44:51 pm: I got a great deal on eBay!!!! An electric whhelchair and a red cape for a tenner!!!!!!! :-\ :-[
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on October 15, 2004, 06:54:51 pm: The First Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they

made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00

PM As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

=============================================

The Second Affair:

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful

teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,

delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father

rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was

horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a

stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

=============================================

The Third Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he

examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you

off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has

to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's

member.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first

person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and

opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

=============================================

The Fourth Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly

rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're

a statue"

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one

for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was

said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the

kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, " Eat something. I stood like an idiot

at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

=============================================

The Fifth Affair:

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks

for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu

and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a

fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to

real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

=============================================

The Sixth Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips

began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's

all right, go to sleep."

"No, no I must die in peace. Becky I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 18, 2004, 06:06:48 pm: Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, Here honey, try these on.

So, she did and said, Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them.

So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm, " says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try..So,on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on. " So she does and says, "These are too large,they don't fit me."

So Jack says, " ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don 't want you to ever forget that.

"Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you try on mine. " So he does and says,
" There 's no way I can get into your knickers. " So Jill says, "...exactly.
And if you don't change your f****g attitude, you never will."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 20, 2004, 08:44:53 am: The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on James to start things off.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/1.jpg)

James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/2.jpg)

Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy's turn.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/3.jpg)

Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/4.jpg)

Jerry returned to his seat.

Kim was called to the board.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/5.jpg)

Kim returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/6.jpg)

Little Johnny had done it again.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 20, 2004, 09:00:12 am: Little Johnny does it every time
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 20, 2004, 10:23:50 am: 1.What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.
(or Britney Spears)

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?

Up the "Gary"!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Rick on October 20, 2004, 10:53:27 am: OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 20, 2004, 02:22:05 pm: Quote from: Mr. Rick on October 20, 2004, 10:53:27 am
OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

;D

Mr Rick, it's very funny and original. I think we've all been to weddings like that!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 20, 2004, 04:39:48 pm: MEN'S NAMES

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, has the potential to be stalked.
Adrian - small todger, probably gay.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute but a liar and a cheater.
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.
Andrew - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Ashley - w**k*r who's losing his hair.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - kind hearted, will do anything for the one he loves.
Bert - looks like he has been pulled through a hedge backwards and chews with his mouth open.
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him... but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - a wanna be charmer, he's not the Messiah he's just a very, very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian, like Bruce.
Carl - thinks he's funny... he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christopher - soppy and too clingy to make a relationship last. Spends most of his life drunk and kisses like a washing machine.
Christian - very sexy and seductive, full of his self.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clive - very sweet and adores girls, but prefers to watch.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - the lights on but no ones at home.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - sweetest guy in the world,soft and gentle but good in bed! hes a keeper!!!!!!
Darren - charming, but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates.
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Can be gay!
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a w**k*r.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his ****.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy.
Ewan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different"
Fred - sucks pig's dicks & swallows the lot.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - dreams about mud wrestling girls. drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves, treats girls like s*** also a w**k*r.
Gibberish - likes a pint but is exasperated with the behaviour of others.
Glen - the sweetest guy
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grant - HORNY! But so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harry - has back hair.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but manipulative, not to bet trusted around young girls.
Hayden - tries hard.
Henry - has gay like movements frequently. likes to run every where. would screw welli boots.
Howard - likes small breasts
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him... yeah right!
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
JPChenet - A drunkard and a pornographer par excellence
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - scum of the earth.
James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.
Jason - big headed. never fails to grab the girls attention, full of bullshit.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jon - countless two timer and bully.
Jonathon - loud, sex mad and great with it
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hottie and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Judith - Eats a lot, likes to feel superior.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kane - an absolute and complete arsehole.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends. Also has a large penis.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many corn chips.
Lance - Plays with his penis cos no one else will.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurie - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet. bit of a tosser though.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - an idiot, who can't spell. would do anything for sex.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard.
Matt - likes drink and is full of s***.
Mathew - has less brains than a donkey does in one of it's hoofs. Thinks constantly about porn.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mike - shag muffin.
Mohammed - small penis.
Morgan - the only thing that is big is his ego.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - nice
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - the f^$king greatest in the world, everyone loves this guy... no faults at all.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Ron - spends most of his time looking at the base of his spine, when his head is up his own arse.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves, which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - tall with sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities. also takes it up the butt.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - not very nice, lies to pick faults (changed now)
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Says he is the man but talks bollocks.
Smokie - tolerant, likes to fall asleep in a deck chair with a beer.
Spencer - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster.
Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Ted - hairy, sensitive and a great shag.
Teddy - great friend, crap boyfriend. clowns have been known to look more stylish.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - extremely arrogant.
Tommy - no
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around, prefers getting done up the arse
Travis - fat and horny with the best Whats in a name... collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - happy, laughing hyena.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - tall, dark and handsom. ie when it's dark, he is handsom and tall.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zack - thinks he is superman. great in bed due to ego.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.

Sorry there's no Hansgerd, Gilles or Werner.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on October 20, 2004, 04:44:48 pm: Why ANDY is not in that list ????
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 20, 2004, 07:21:58 pm: Quote from: Mr. Rick on October 20, 2004, 10:53:27 am
OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

;D

Very funny, but not as funny as the sellers fee he will have to dodge as the bidding is now up to £10,000,000!!!!! ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 20, 2004, 08:46:14 pm: Quote from: A Zarse esq on October 20, 2004, 04:39:48 pm

Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.

I resemble that remark :'(
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on October 21, 2004, 11:05:56 am: Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 21, 2004, 12:08:39 pm: Quote from: BigH on October 21, 2004, 11:05:56 am
Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H

A quick shufty on the Berghaus website came up with these little beaties. It says:

Extrem Light Tight Pants
New for Summer 2004. Lightweight, stretch tight giving great wicking performance and a quick dry time. The brushed back to the fabric make these an ideal warmth layer.

Well, what more could you ask for H? Just make sure you get your back brushed first or your wicking performance and drying time will be compromised.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 21, 2004, 06:16:32 pm: Better than WD40 ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 21, 2004, 08:47:40 pm: Quote from: BigH on October 21, 2004, 11:05:56 am
Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H

The reference for Gibberish is spot on ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on October 21, 2004, 09:36:45 pm: Quote from: A Zarse esq on October 20, 2004, 04:39:48 pm

Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.

OK, so I'm not popular or funny. I can live with that. :P
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 22, 2004, 11:33:02 am: It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.

But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admirals uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

You are now on the deck of the recently renamed HMS Appeasement!

Nelson ? Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.

Hardy ? Aye Aye Sir

N ? Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.

H ? Sorry Sir.

N ? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

H ? Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had devils own job getting ?England? past the censors, lest it be considered racist

N ?Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

H ? Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

N ? In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

H ? The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It?s a part of Governments policy on binge drinking.

N ? Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

H ? I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

N ? Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest, please!

H ? That won?t be possible Sir.

N ? What?

H ? Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

N ? Then get the ships? carpenter without delay, hardy.

H ? Unfortunately he?s busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo?c?sle, Admiral.

N ? Wheelchair access? I?ve never heard anything so absurd.

H ? Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

N ? Differently abled? I?ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn?t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

H ? Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N ?Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

H ? A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won?t let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don?t want anyone breathing in too much salt ? haven?t you seen the adverts?

N ? I?ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

H ? The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

N ? What? This is mutiny.

H ? It?s not that Sir, It?s just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

N ? Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?

H ? Actually Sir, we?re not!

N ? We?re not?

H ? No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn?t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.

N ? But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

H ? I wouldn?t let the ship?s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.

N ? But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

H ? Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it?s the rules.

N ? Don?t tell me ? Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

H ? As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.

N ? What about sodomy?

H ? I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.

N ? Thank God for that ? In that case - kiss me Hardy!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 22, 2004, 12:13:35 pm: Just follow the link and play the movie :D

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/this_land_af?mid=1
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 22, 2004, 04:52:39 pm: This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up
to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a
slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the
accident report form that I weigh135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 22, 2004, 05:15:31 pm: A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 22, 2004, 06:37:36 pm: Quote from: Nordic on October 22, 2004, 05:15:31 pm
A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.

LMAO!!!!! :D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 22, 2004, 09:41:29 pm: There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!

Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

"Ees"

"Ees"

"Ees... a.... Ham bush"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on October 25, 2004, 05:39:05 pm: Mark, Mark, Mark...................Really not quite up to scratch old boy.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 26, 2004, 05:59:18 pm: One for Mr. Brown I think....

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

US NAVY: This is the captain of US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative i say again divert your course.

US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITES STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. F*ck off
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 26, 2004, 07:57:25 pm: Yup, true story.

(http://webhome.idirect.com/~rtcind/capricorn/lighthouse7.gif)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 27, 2004, 06:04:20 pm: Hope this attachment works.

This ain't no joke guys!!!!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 27, 2004, 07:55:49 pm: Hey folks, christmas is coming and this puts a whole new perspective on nutcrackers. After you view this, just think about the possibilities. :P :P :P
http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?id=13654&version=2&type=coolad
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 27, 2004, 08:51:37 pm: Brings a tear to the eye :'(
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ruptured Duck Motorsport on October 28, 2004, 07:05:33 pm: HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EDINBURGH FRINGE

First dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ....
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained
for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 29, 2004, 10:11:50 am: A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my
husband."

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe so the barmaid
accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more
chance"says the barmaid.

"Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, Love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts
and lick the sweat off" she says.

"'ll kill him, where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"And then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and switches the
telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness..."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on November 01, 2004, 05:14:58 pm: Frequently Asked Questions at the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on November 03, 2004, 10:40:57 am: After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called, a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A far less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held The
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle, all of Wales and
most areas of Western Sydney
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 03, 2004, 08:13:01 pm: From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antoniocity park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 04, 2004, 07:46:14 am: A woman took a very limp duck to a veterinary surgery. As she lay her peton the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry but your pet has passed away"
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"
"Yes I am sure the duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure" she protested "You havn't done any tests on him or anything, he might just be in a coma"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the ducks owner looked on in amazment, the dog stood on it's hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed he duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook hishead. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the duck from beak to tail and back again. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook it's head, meowed softly jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm soory, but as I said this is a most definitly, 100% certifiably a dead duck"
He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the wpman.
The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill
"£150" she said "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been £20. But what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on November 04, 2004, 04:48:14 pm: Quote from: smokie on November 03, 2004, 08:13:01 pm
From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Brilliant Smokie. I was howling at the end. Funniest thing I've read in ages.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 05, 2004, 10:16:32 am: A large woman walked into a bar with a sleeveless dress in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 19, 2004, 03:52:39 pm: Nice one Nordic! Here's one.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 25, 2004, 02:06:00 pm: You'll have seen these before - I have - but they still make me chuckle...

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 25, 2004, 04:37:42 pm: Another one ona Legal theme-

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 26, 2004, 10:40:22 am: An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?"

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "The horse doesn't talk."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 26, 2004, 01:33:25 pm: Not a joke but made me laugh none the less!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 26, 2004, 04:44:24 pm: DOUGLAS THE CRAB
----------------

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic olivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, the crab spoke.......

"f**k, I'm pissed."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 26, 2004, 04:50:02 pm: Brilliant Steve. I was just about to pack up and go home but checked the joke thread first and that one has set me up for the weekend. ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on November 26, 2004, 08:14:30 pm: Bloody French drivers!!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/carincident.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on November 26, 2004, 10:50:01 pm: The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 03, 2004, 11:30:59 am: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly
gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "They're Carols"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on December 06, 2004, 01:11:46 pm: Happiest day of my life.

Walking down the aisle.

Towards my wife.

Everyone smiling.

The vicar said a few nice words.

I kissed my wife.

And then closed the coffin!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 08, 2004, 10:34:33 am: Subject: Cowboy and Lesbian

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of
the Christmas season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the Kwik Save car
park, I noticed that I was missing the ticket which I would need
to
get
out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps
to the supermarket entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing. The
crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged fannel shirt to protect him from the cold evening's chill.

He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven years old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy
grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?

The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 08, 2004, 12:30:53 pm: Witness Search

Good Day to you all,

This is a call for anyone who may have witnessed the following:

Yesterday, at about 14:00 all of my wheels were stolen and replaced with bricks during the period that I was out of the office having a coffee (from 10:00 to 16:00).

I am well behind in my work and now I have to waste my time with these stupidities and on top of it all I will be fired from my job!!!

If anyone of you, my dear friends, has seen anything, please let me know.
I could even go as far as offering a reward to whoever helps me.

Anticipated thanks.

PS. Here is a photo taken at the scene of the crime(theft with irritating consequences).

Once again, good day to you all.

.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 08, 2004, 07:11:45 pm: I know that a lot of you quite like the firework experience whilst away for the weekend, but the attached piccys demonstrate why you should not mess around with fireworks.

Or at the very least do not allow children or Germans (it is they in the pictures) to play with them!!!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum1.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum2.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum3.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum4.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on December 08, 2004, 07:17:46 pm: It's a wonderful stunt and no mistake. Wonder how long til he could sit down again? The plastic surgeon probably had to take a skin graft off of his face to stick on his arse, which is somewhat ironic. :-[

Let that be a lesson: Never return to a lit German. ;D :D

But really, what a prize twit!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 08, 2004, 07:26:42 pm: Quote from: A Zarse esq on December 08, 2004, 07:17:46 pm
But really, what a prize twit!

"Stupid" and "the C word" come to mind ::)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 08, 2004, 07:56:06 pm: Actually, on a serious note, that top mole looks a bit iffy.

I would seriously recommend that he have that checked out in case it turns out to be malignant! ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on December 08, 2004, 08:13:19 pm: At first glance of pic #1, I thought, "Hmm, trouble brewing...." - then I thought, "Wait a minute, that looks like Jaques Villeneuve...."
The subsequent shots just go to prove that alcohol and kids don't mix.
Kinda puts Harry's 'Firey Jack' story in perspective. The quantities of phosphorus (a key ingredient of napalm) in the firework mix look like it's done the job, regarding the deep tissue burns.
That must have been f**k*ng agonising. All three arseholes concerned, need a damn good kicking.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fax on December 08, 2004, 08:28:52 pm: I'm curious, how sh*t-faced you have to be before firing a bottle rocket from your rectum sounds like a good idea? No doubt Steve...The term dumb-f**k pretty well hits it on the screws.
John
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on December 08, 2004, 11:45:10 pm: I wonder what the bottle was used for in the first pic?
And then he endured some water sports in the final one :o
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 12, 2004, 12:39:08 pm: George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad. "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.
Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 12, 2004, 12:48:37 pm: Breaking News ...........

The Palestinians are going to replace Arafat with his brother Marrowfat who knows all about the peas process.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 12, 2004, 06:46:14 pm: Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing
through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a
stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation
falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his
boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his
face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps; but no
plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
”Once, my people were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
“Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you
suppose that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth
and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
“That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!”
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 15, 2004, 12:06:41 pm: One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 15, 2004, 01:17:52 pm: I always wondered why we do that. Obviouse really now you have explained it.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 20, 2004, 02:40:55 pm: Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied,
"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury
fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings
account certificate for 5 million For my little brother, this gold
Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to
the Country Club... takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Faith and begorrah! - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on January 02, 2005, 06:38:39 pm: From another unreliable source.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never
been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming
winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 04, 2005, 01:03:38 pm: Sven-Goran Eriksson spots a turd in the England changing room.

"Who's sh*t on the floor?" he asks.

"Me Boss!" cries Emile Heskey, "But I'm not bad in the air!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 04, 2005, 01:37:41 pm: A housewife opened her door to give the postman his Christmas treat.
"Come on in" she said. Then she led him upstairs where she undressed him, then herself and made love to him. Afterwards, she made him a cup of
tea
and handed him a £5 note.

"This is a very unusual Christmas present" he stuttered.
"Actually, it was my husbands idea" she said " I wanted to give you £50.

But my husband said:` Fifty quid? No way. F*** the postman, give him a cup of tea and a fiver instead`"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 04, 2005, 02:24:43 pm: Usefull!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 12, 2005, 06:03:43 pm: Subject: FW: Fw: letters to the Editor

COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used
it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once
again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

do they?
Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady

stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this
turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me
stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series

of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an
incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach

IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true.
'Absence makes the heart
grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of

my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score

place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten
years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be
punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that
most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering
on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.
Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers
include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw
*at quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
with Jenny.
She is a great sh * g. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they
should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 12, 2005, 06:04:49 pm: Subject: Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think
at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to
buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your
arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to
put on it."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he
picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No,
because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat
bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on January 14, 2005, 01:04:21 pm: http://users.pandora.be/stefdirrix/flash/queen.htm

Turn the speakers up.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on January 14, 2005, 05:56:35 pm: This is so funny it boggles your mind.

You have to keep on trying this to see if you can out smart your right foot.

Certainly one to try late in the poo bar!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot changes direction.

:o
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jd4breakfast on January 17, 2005, 06:33:54 pm: Elton jhon goes to a tattoo shop .I want a rolls royce tattooed on my cock. The tattooist says better make that a Land rover the amount of sh*t it has to go through !!!!

what do you call a couple that like fishing ?????? Rod and Annette
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 17, 2005, 06:59:34 pm: A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

.....I love the next part....

"Only when he's been drinking."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on January 21, 2005, 01:54:28 pm: Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period?

If so encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles
again in the evening...

By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away..........
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on January 23, 2005, 09:27:03 pm: I'm not sure if this is a joke or not, but I had this sent to me by a girl I know. It's one of those pesky chain letter thingys and I normally trash them on reciept or write back to the sender ( and it's always females who peddle this crap) telling them to get a grip and stop being so soft headed. However, whilst I hate swimming, don't suffer from dermatitis and have no intention of kissing my dentist, I really don't want my genitals to fall off. What should I do and does anyone require me to send it to them?

God spare me from the Hot Sex Fairy.

See below:

Nyechi
>>
>>
>>
>> 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
>>make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
>>shine and skin smooth.
>> ============
>> 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
>>dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the
>>pores and makes your skin glow.
>> =============
>> 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during
>>that romantic dinner.
>> =============
>> 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up, unless it involves BigH. It stretches
>> and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable
>>than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
>> =============
>> 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases
>>endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and
>>leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
>> =============
>> 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
>>sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
>>pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
>> =============
>> 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES
>>MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
>> =============
>> 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kiss ing
>>encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the
>>acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
>> =============
>> 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session
>>can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
>> =============
>> 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a
>>natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and ha y fever.
>> =============
>> This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
>>original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has
>>been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The
>>"Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this
>>message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
>>
>> If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the
>>rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals
>> will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think
>>need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals
>>has no price.
>>
>> Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in
>>96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
>>
>> Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true,
>>even if you are not superstitious.
>>
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on January 24, 2005, 01:04:09 pm: The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
The driver says, "Not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on January 25, 2005, 03:04:17 pm: THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.

The BBC and ITV news channels show up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his
comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, the Greens and the Liberals demonstrate
in front of the ant's house.

The BBC, interrupting a Travellers' cultural festival special from
Stonehenge with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."

David Blunkett rants in an interview with David Frost that the ant has
gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

The Blair Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer.

It is quickly passed through Parliament.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to India, and starts a successful call centre for
British banks.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the
government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's
old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Neil Kinnock is appointed to
head a commission of inquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mail blames
it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of Albanian spiders,
praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 25, 2005, 08:23:20 pm: Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 26, 2005, 10:06:30 am: Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this
problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager
for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was
very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do
you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the
reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the
office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his BSc (Hons). He was smart,
handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man
the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to
his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear Contact lenses,
don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly
observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The
young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,
it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!"

This dude decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come

as different emotions e.g. fear etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens

the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V

painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".The host replies, "Brilliant,

come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door

to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts.He says to this woman "Wow,

great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm

tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the
party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and

the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the

other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both

doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like

that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come

in despair"
Title: Why I Fired My Secretary...
Post by: smokie on January 27, 2005, 05:43:28 pm: Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....

- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there -

on the couch -

naked.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on January 27, 2005, 10:46:57 pm: good one! LOL ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on January 28, 2005, 11:19:36 am: Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

;D ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on January 28, 2005, 12:13:33 pm: A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 28, 2005, 01:10:42 pm: Quote from: TheFatLad on January 28, 2005, 11:19:36 am
Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

;D ;D

Excellent!!!! I am now the highest bidder but at $100 still haven't met the reserve.
She's in Miami so wouldn't it be great to get her to come down to Sebring sporting the Club Arnage logo!!! ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on January 28, 2005, 01:40:10 pm: Very good JPC!!
I think you should ask the seller a few questions, and request the extra photos she's offered. I note you still haven't reached her reserve yet, do we ever?
H
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on January 28, 2005, 02:00:09 pm: It looks like your "bid has been removed" (isn't it always!). She's back down to $76. Anyway, the CA at Sebring would be a laff, so I'm in for a few quid. Don't think we need four weeks of it though.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 28, 2005, 02:30:42 pm: Quote from: jpchenet on January 28, 2005, 01:10:42 pm
Quote from: TheFatLad on January 28, 2005, 11:19:36 am
Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

;D ;D

Excellent!!!! I am now the highest bidder but at $100 still haven't met the reserve.
She's in Miami so wouldn't it be great to get her to come down to Sebring sporting the Club Arnage logo!!! ;D

I'm sure she'd take a day out of her hectic Goth & DJ lifestyle to travel a few hundred miles to come to see us and really earn her $100...

Nice try tho! btw this isn't a discussion thread...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on January 30, 2005, 07:47:41 pm: JP

Have you learned nothing from past experiences on ebay?

Quote
Excellent!!!! I am now the highest bidder but at $100

Having a speed boat tip up on the doorstep is one thing, but a goth chick with "Club Arnage" printed on her left tit might take some explaining!!

;) ;D

Especially when you tell your better half that you weren't pissed when you placed the bid!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Jeremy on January 30, 2005, 09:26:25 pm: 255 someone is really keen :o
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on February 02, 2005, 03:24:40 pm: Heavens to Betsy! that's $2500 each!!
Will she be found in a murky parking lot wrapped up in a rolled up carpet on Monday morning?
I wish I had three bollocks.
H
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Black Granny on February 02, 2005, 09:05:14 pm: It's taxable income though!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 04, 2005, 09:57:01 am: These are the 10 First Place winners in the International Pun Contest. Enjoy!

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 07, 2005, 09:54:39 am: > > THIS HAPPENED ON A SYDNEY RADIOSTATION

Just imagine sitting in traffic on
> > your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the
> > FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award
> > winners great prizes. The game is called
> > MateMatch".
> >
> > The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously
> > involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is
> > then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also
> > asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
> > verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
> > correctly, they both win a prize. One particular game, however, made
> > Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
> > thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it went down:
> >
> >
> >
> > DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
> >
> > Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"
> >
> > DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
> > you win. What is your name? First name only please".
> >
> > Contestant: "Brian"
> >
> > DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
> >
> > Brian: "Yes".
> >
> > DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
> >
> > Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
> >
> > DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"
> >
> > Brian: "Sara"
> >
> > DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"
> >
> > Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
> >
> > DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
> >
> > Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"
> >
> > DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
> >
> > Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
> >
> > DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"
> >
> > Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"
> >
> > DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
> >
> > Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."
> >
> > DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
> >
> > Brian: "About 10 minutes"
> >
> > DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said that if
a
> > trip wasn't at stake"
> >
> > Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
> >
> > DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?"
> >
> > Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."
> >
> > DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
> >
> > Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for
> > a
> > couple of weeks..."
> >
> > DJ: "Uh huh"
> >
> > Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"
> >
> > DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
> >
> > Brian: "On the kitchen table"
> >
> > DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
> > times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
> > work number and call her up. You listen to this"
> >
> > 3 minutes of commercials follow)
> >
> > DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch
tones...ringing....)
> >
> > Clerk: "Kinkos"
> >
> > DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
> >
> > Clerk: "This is she"
> >
> > DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and
> > I've
> > been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
> >
> > Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
> >
> > DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
> > give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of
> > 'Mate Match'?"
> >
> > Sara: "No"
> >
> > DJ: "Good!"
> >
> > Brian: (laughing)
> >
> > Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
> >
> > Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely
> > honest"
> >
> > DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If
> > your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
> > the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"
> >
> > Sara: (laughing) "yes"
> >
> > DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
> >
> > Sara: "Oh G.d, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
> >
> > DJ: "What time?"
> >
> > Sara: "Around 8 this morning"
> >
> > DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
> >
> > Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"
> >
> > DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his
> > manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away
> > from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
> >
> > Sara: (laughing) "Yes"
> >
> > DJ: "Where did you have it?"
> >
> > Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
> >
> > Brian: "Just tell them honey"
> >
> > DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
> >
> > Sara: "well..................."
> >
> > DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
> >
> > Sara: "Up the ARSE!!!"
> >
> > After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"
> >
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 07, 2005, 10:27:08 am: I used to have the .wav file from this. Gonna have to search through the archives!! :)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 08, 2005, 04:32:54 pm: Sorry if you've seen this before. (I have this feeling I've posted it before but I can;t be bothered to check). And if you don't find it funny. I liked it though.

Do you feel old?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
Kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no child-proof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat
was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing..

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no
one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no
one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
lawsuits.

We had full on fistfights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.

We played knock-on-the-door-and-run-away and were actually afraid of
the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs
of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read
about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening, and it might put a smile
on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986. They
are called youth.

They have never heard of "We are the World", "We are the children",
And the Uptown Girl they know is by West life not Billy Joel. They
have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS
has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films
From last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red-Hand Gang or the
Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on "Jim'll Fix It" or "Why Don't
You".

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they

will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in East-Enders the first time
around..

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old
days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.

8. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 08, 2005, 04:51:18 pm: For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on February 08, 2005, 04:57:59 pm: Quote from: jpchenet on February 07, 2005, 10:27:08 am
I used to have the .wav file from this. Gonna have to search through the archives!! :)

Yes please, that one is really good. ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 08, 2005, 05:10:33 pm: Quote from: TheFatLad on February 08, 2005, 04:51:18 pm
For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy

Bloody Brilliant!! Must remember those lyrics for Karaoke!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 08, 2005, 05:11:45 pm: Still looking for the file HGB, but here's a similar spoof about recalling a vibrator!

http://www.gonzo.org/fun/sound/recall.mp3
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 08, 2005, 06:41:46 pm: Quote from: TheFatLad on February 08, 2005, 04:51:18 pm
For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy

Brilliant, tears rolling down the face brilliant ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 09, 2005, 09:39:40 am: extremely funny
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 09, 2005, 10:03:57 am: Kin brilliant, best one so far this year
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 09, 2005, 11:17:02 am: A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head,lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were Going to look after me."

“I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**k*ng menthol"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 09, 2005, 01:07:21 pm: saw that coming
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 09, 2005, 01:53:38 pm: Usual warnings apply ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on February 09, 2005, 04:25:13 pm: Quote from: TheFatLad on February 09, 2005, 01:53:38 pm
Usual warnings apply ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)

Think this one is more apt for LM

http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 09, 2005, 04:36:12 pm: Quote from: TheFatLad on February 09, 2005, 01:53:38 pm
Usual warnings apply ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)
Thanks for that Fat Lad, this f***ing song has been in my head since I first heard it. I just know I will be awake half the night with the bloody thing going round and round and driving me mad. Already it is worse than that shite song that squeeky voiced tosser Joe Pisskwali used to sing. Cheers mate
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 09, 2005, 05:56:54 pm: lol - Glad I could be of help Bob ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on February 10, 2005, 11:01:52 am: This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them
out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and ! all the spare parts and
a malicious thought came to her. She took &! gt;the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and
"I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farti ng my guts
out, and today it finally happened.... But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on February 10, 2005, 11:17:20 am: After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver (wishing he'd never gone to work that morning).

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel and further regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 125 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and twenty five.

"So bust him," says The Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that," said the cop, "he's really important."

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 11, 2005, 10:40:16 am: Well they made me laugh!!

http://www.infocite.info/mark/LifeGuardinthePool1.wmv

http://www.infocite.info/mark/eyes.wmv
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 11, 2005, 10:57:34 am: Quote from: jpchenet on February 11, 2005, 10:40:16 am
Well they made me laugh!!

Me too
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 11, 2005, 12:06:54 pm: very funny
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on February 11, 2005, 01:39:19 pm: Don't know if this has found its way here yet or not. But the last line seems to apply to Prince Charles.

The things our kids will say

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

AND

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on February 11, 2005, 04:50:52 pm: Quote from: TheFatLad on February 09, 2005, 01:53:38 pm
Usual warnings apply ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)

Thank you very much!I now this song stuck in my head as well as my co-workers.
By the way what is minge?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 11, 2005, 05:19:33 pm: Erm, two nations divided by a common language, or what?

Minge? It's the same as a vertical bacon sandwich, often seen in hamburger shots.

You might want to look at Viz comic's "Profanisaurus" before we Brits descend on you next month. It's full of helpful phrases...

http://www.viz.co.uk/

and click on "Profanisaurus".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on February 11, 2005, 05:47:45 pm: Thanks for the link,I will check it out.Sebring is going to be BIG FUN!I cant to meet you guys and put some brews back.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 11, 2005, 06:34:41 pm: Jacko getting ready for court
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on February 12, 2005, 11:01:14 pm: A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 14, 2005, 05:47:57 pm: Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital :-

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, your mothers maiden name and your bank pin number.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & have a cry. It will pass in a few years.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on February 15, 2005, 02:06:16 am: how to get rid' of your girlfriend

click here (http://www.kontraband.com/show.asp?ID=1593) ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on February 15, 2005, 11:58:14 am: how to get rid' of your car

click here (http://home.wanadoo.nl/rbstulen/NIEUWteg.wmv) ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 15, 2005, 02:13:22 pm: In pilots we trust...........

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==========================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==========================================

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**k*ng bored, not f**k*ng stupid!"

==========================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

==========================================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

==========================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind an
eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

==========================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

==========================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger...and
yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

==========================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't land."

==========================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on February 15, 2005, 08:36:13 pm: ;D More plane stuff.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

--------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on February 15, 2005, 09:19:44 pm: Read this, then look at the picture

There's a reason (sometimes) for all that paperwork...

Just before Christmas 2004 a C-23 Sherpa flew into a US operated airfield in Iraq during the day and as they came in on approach the crew was surprised to see that there was construction equipment on the runway. But there had been no NOTAM (notice to airmen) issued, which there should have been of course.

A trench was being dug in the runway (!), and it was not marked!

It's a long runway and so they just landed beyond the construction. They filed a safety hazard report that was immediately forwarded to their headquarters and to the US Air Force wing based there.

Well, the construction continued but it was still not marked or NOTAMed or anything.

On the night of the 29th January a C-130 landed on the runway and didn't see the construction.

It wound up going through what was now a large pit on the runway.

See picture attached.

The C-130 was totalled. There were several injuries to the crew and the few passengers on board but luckily nobody was killed.

Hmmmm.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on February 15, 2005, 11:50:14 pm: those bloody speed-bumps >:( ::) ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on February 16, 2005, 12:05:49 am: That's what I call a pot hole. And I thought the roads were bad around our way.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 16, 2005, 09:58:50 am: http://www.changar.com/text/bushmail.html

Mr G Bush's in box?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 16, 2005, 01:39:10 pm: Staying on the flying theme, who fancies a bit of this? It's no joke if you ask me.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 16, 2005, 01:44:15 pm: Bastard computer :( ???
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 16, 2005, 02:04:56 pm: At least it's still in the air and not on fire

Still would be a bit of a brown trouser moment
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 16, 2005, 02:06:19 pm: An oldy but a goody........

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

( Get your best Chinese accent ready )

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 18, 2005, 10:01:49 am: An old lady is very upset as her husband had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put

the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.

His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit....." the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued

"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on February 19, 2005, 03:00:39 am: :D :D :D :DTHAT IS FUNNY !!!! :D :) ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on February 20, 2005, 10:54:52 pm: A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 23, 2005, 10:05:32 am: The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
pharmacist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandanna, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he
unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He
holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana,
places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of
the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by
an even greater shout.

The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist. "The
regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 25, 2005, 09:43:07 am: A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love, I want to open a f**k*ng bank account," he says. "I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier. "Listen you dumb cow," he says, "I said I want to open a f**k*ng bank account!" "I'm sorry sir," she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no f**k*ng problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million on the f**k*ng lottery and I want to open a f**k*ng bank account!" "I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this stupid bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on February 25, 2005, 12:38:53 pm: Little Johnny was in his expensive prep school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up; accountant, lawyer, salesman, politician. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and take it up the a***."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "My father plays rugby for England, but after the last few games I was too embarrassed to say."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 25, 2005, 01:55:17 pm: Quote from: BigH on February 25, 2005, 12:38:53 pm
"My father plays rugby for England, but after the last few games I was too embarrassed to say."
I'd like to think this will all be put right this weekend but with Charlie Hodgeson kicking I can't help thinking we would be better off with Douglas Bader
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 25, 2005, 01:59:31 pm: nice one jpc - laughed my tits off at that one!

keep them coming guys i could do with a laugh. i'm stuck in bed (alone) with ciatica :(

Gazza
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on February 25, 2005, 03:07:21 pm: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
===============================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf"
=================================

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
=================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
===========================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finaly, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 02, 2005, 10:17:26 am: Ne Government Logo
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on March 04, 2005, 06:22:35 pm: A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple.

Further studies are expected.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 05, 2005, 07:27:12 pm: An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?".

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 06, 2005, 12:31:13 pm: A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Baptist Bra - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 08, 2005, 04:51:58 pm: A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns
to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says
the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I
will have a steak,
baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon
of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 08, 2005, 07:07:46 pm: An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,;Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armanisuit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother,
and the girl and tells them: Good morning, your daughter
has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll shag her again!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 08, 2005, 08:47:29 pm: Happy Easter everyone.
http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/2461/flyin_egg_fight.swf
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 08, 2005, 10:04:14 pm: Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah", says the coroner, this is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 08, 2005, 10:05:19 pm: An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the nearly deaf clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies "This time it's mayonnaise."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on March 09, 2005, 10:55:05 am: An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope". She replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 09, 2005, 04:25:44 pm: The Cape Times, March 31, 2003:
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment".
"We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

The Star, Johannesburg:
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the 'Swazimar': "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.
"The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

The Standard, Kenya:
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.
"Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out.
"When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

From a Zimbabwean newspaper
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue.
Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his charges, warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 09, 2005, 04:43:52 pm: Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they
noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of
the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big
Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head to say no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

Again she shakes her head to say no.

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands,
turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her
right on the bottom!

Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the
food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her
skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned.

"I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his
heroic friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 09, 2005, 08:15:11 pm: Can't believe I didn't get a comment about that last one. Well, here's another one that maybe most of you guys can relate to.

Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Brenda Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Back to top
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on March 09, 2005, 08:43:59 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on March 09, 2005, 08:15:11 pm
Can't believe I didn't get a comment about that last one.

Right, I'm right off to the next restaurant to try that trick... nice avatar.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 10, 2005, 07:59:26 pm: If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?,Who cares)
(now you know... Bet you still don't care)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....) ;-)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say
is...Damn Pigs
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on March 11, 2005, 02:49:54 pm: so what's your story? ;D

(http://server2.uploadit.org/files/PaddyLM-sportexhaust.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 11, 2005, 03:26:22 pm: Don't strike a match.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 11, 2005, 06:55:24 pm: Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and
down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to
Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore in '02 and Kerry in '04, Hillary for President in '08, George Strait Sucks, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on March 12, 2005, 08:22:47 pm: The new priest of the parish was hearing his first confessions. The first fellow came in confessing that he had spent illicit times with the local party girl naming Nookie Green. The priest gave absolution and then in came another fellow also confessing that he partied with Nookie Green. The priest was surprised........ Almost every man in town who confessed to him had a relation with Nookie Green.
On Suday as he was holding the service ... his first .... he heard a minor commotion behind him. He hesitated looking around but when he did he was taken aback. For there wakling down the aisle was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. But the way she was dressed was fantastic. She wore a wide brim summer hat in the greenest of green color one could imagine. She wore a tight fitting matching green dress, with green silk stockings and shiney green patent leather shoes. She came right down the aisle to the front row and took one of the seats. But she did not cross her legs as he might have expected. He glanced back again and again. Finally he bent over to whisper to the altar boy ' Is that Nookie Green?' The altar boy turned around took a long look and replied 'No Father, that's the reflection from her shoes'.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on March 12, 2005, 08:35:30 pm: The preacher was up on the pulpit giving his sermon. As he was, the doors opened wide and in walked.... in all her glory....... the local party girl. Man she was confident. She was as pretty as can be and all of the women in the church just looked hard at her and then at their husbands. The preacher became agitated because of her nerve to insult his church and his congregation by barging in the way she did.
He changed his sermon to siut the new situation that had just presented itself. He said to the congregation ' We all know the wages of sin .... we all all know that the unrepentant sinners will end up in eternal damnation ... we all know that we cannot flaunt ourselves in front of the Lord. And now we have one amongst us who does not hesitate to flaunt herself here. We know who she is we know where she will spend eternity .......... but remember women there is always a chance for redemption ......... always remeber in his search to let sinners into the pearly gates he will help you. Remember ....... Saint Fingers is pointing his Peter at you.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 14, 2005, 10:57:39 am: The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10.So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2005, 05:37:53 pm: You have to understand that folks in Texas have a whole different mindset that many people, even in the US, don't understand. Here is an example.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and
down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to
Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore in '02 and Kerry in '04, Hillary for President in '08, George Strait Sucks, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins. Lots a luck buddie.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 14, 2005, 06:26:12 pm: John mate, it could be all the Sebring exitement and that, but I'm sure you posted that one several days ago! :P
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2005, 08:37:30 pm: You are so right and that just shows that my concentration has gone down the toilet. Sorry for the extra posting. But let's try this one.

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife--she has gained 30 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends--unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner; prim before mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Bl*wjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast: filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 Private chopper to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Bl*wjob
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 Private jet home (massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy
Ireland)
6:45 Sh*t, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Teddy Kennedy resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated)
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip
Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart--dog leaves room
11:55 Sleep

There, that ought to redeem myself.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 15, 2005, 10:06:18 am: Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with

one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single.Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

whispering:

"Dave, you're a vet.."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
NIP AND TUCK

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic
surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory
because
her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like
a ripped out fireplace.

Time and child birth had taken it's toll and she reckoned that with six
children now being the limit she'd tidy things up with a nip here and a
tuck there, so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a
badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from the anaesthetic to find three
roses
at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "they're very nice but I'm a
bit
confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse "The first is from the surgeon the operation went
so
well, and you were a model patient
that he wanted to say thanks."

"Aaahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such
a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited."

"Brilliant!" said Lucy, "and the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse "He just wanted to
say
thanks for his new ears."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 18, 2005, 07:13:25 pm: Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Robert says to Bobby.
"All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the dummy out of his arse"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 20, 2005, 07:19:42 pm: (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/HearYourHeart.gif)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on March 22, 2005, 04:06:54 pm: A man walks into a shop...

Customer: "Worcester sauce flavour crisps please"

Shopkeeper: "Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare."

Customer: "Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?"

Shopkeeper: "Ah that's the same. Cancer scare"

Customer: "Hamburger Relish?"

Shopkeeper: "Cancer scare"

Customer: "Sausage and Mash?"

Shopkeeper: "Cancer scare"

Customer: "Cottage Pie?"

Shopkeeper: "Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare."

Customer: "So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?"

Shopkeeper: "Yes"

Customer: (sigh) "Just give me 20 Benson & Hedges then..."

Shopkeeper: "Certainly. £4.50 please."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 23, 2005, 01:54:19 pm: To take his mind of his trial Janet Jackson suggests to brother Michael that they have a quiet night in with a pizza and a video.

"That sounds nice" says Michael, "Can we get Alladdin"?

"No" said Janet "Just a pizza and a video"

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne dosn't come on your face until you are about 15
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on March 23, 2005, 03:48:24 pm: After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women. Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:

Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".

Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".

Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on March 23, 2005, 03:50:08 pm: After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women. Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:

Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".

Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".

Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 23, 2005, 03:56:43 pm: That's funny ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 28, 2005, 06:03:53 pm: Neighborhood Party

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." The
mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and
it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or
five times."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 31, 2005, 10:16:57 pm: A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one
Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special
ring for my girlfriend here," he said. The jeweler looked through his stock,
and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very

unique" he said.
At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from

the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000." The girls' eyes
sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make

sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can
phone the bank Monday. I'll pick up the ring on Tuesday."
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man.

"You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but do you have any idea what a fantastic

weekend I had?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dave H on April 01, 2005, 05:16:30 pm: The Wedding Test

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside...

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 02, 2005, 08:27:41 pm: A man wakes up bleery eyed, in a darkened room, to discover the shape of a female form under the quilt next to him. What time is it asks the man?, after a few moments the female under the quilt says 5.30. Shlt, says the man, i have to get home, after a few moments the female says you are home!.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 02, 2005, 11:20:11 pm: Question? Have you ever seen a pear that was a peach>
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 02, 2005, 11:22:28 pm: OH Yea !
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 03, 2005, 12:35:36 am: While we're on the subject of peaches ........... can you find it?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 03, 2005, 01:22:48 am: Calm down Pidge...please!!! I can tell we have reached your favorite subject... ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 03, 2005, 11:13:28 pm: (Calm down Pidge...please!!! I can tell we have reached your favorite subject... ;)
Noooooo ! But the photos will not excede the length of your delete button.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 04, 2005, 01:06:30 am: I see they have finally released the new coin design to celebrate the forthcoming royal wedding.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/New_UK_coin.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 04, 2005, 10:39:52 am: Quote from: Mr. Invisible on April 04, 2005, 01:06:30 am
I see they have finally released the new coin design to celebrate the forthcoming royal wedding.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/New_UK_coin.jpg)

And...................................
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 06, 2005, 04:42:00 pm: Spaghetti

A wealthy Englishman was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in
him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money, if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange
for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later,
he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said. "You
received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and
I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband
read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 08, 2005, 11:35:37 am: With the next Royal Wedding coming soon memories of the last one have re-emerged

Royal Wedding

Sophie was getting dressed, on the day of the wedding, where all her family surrounded her, when she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining, at last Edward said, 'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on April 08, 2005, 12:15:15 pm: If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on April 08, 2005, 02:53:53 pm: Priceless
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on April 08, 2005, 02:54:45 pm: Priceless
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on April 08, 2005, 04:12:00 pm: A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 10, 2005, 11:19:49 am: A man, called to testify about his tax return at Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man told his best friend of the conflicting advice, and requested his opinion.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the friend "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the tax authorities?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 11, 2005, 04:26:46 pm: After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.
" No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 11, 2005, 05:38:44 pm: Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the
genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is
there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out
two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said
Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this
>>>woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have a look at that dog again."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 11, 2005, 07:03:50 pm: Horrible Accident

Most of us have heard a sad story about an accident involving alcohol. In all my life I have never encountered an alcohol related accident as graphic and devastating as this one. Just looking at the picture turns my stomach. Please scrole down carefully as this is uncensored and very graphic.

.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 11, 2005, 09:26:00 pm: Is it an accident, or part of the Bugatti circuit monday after the 24 hours?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on April 11, 2005, 09:46:46 pm: Puts a whole new slant on the saying "One for the road", doesn't it.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 11, 2005, 09:48:34 pm: It's not quite as bad as it might seem :( . There are at least 2 or 3 which have not broken ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 12, 2005, 12:27:54 am: A few serious questions ... it's all so true

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a stone at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for normal people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? .......They're still going to see you naked anyway.

Which way does the water go down the plughole if you live on the equator?

Why do women go topless on the beach, but put on their tops to go in the water?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

How does the man who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which way would it land?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on April 12, 2005, 01:39:18 am: Quote from: Steve Brown on April 11, 2005, 07:03:50 pm
Horrible Accident

Looks like Drinking for Holland didn't get the Heinehen deal after all ;D ;D
Canada Phil
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 12, 2005, 03:04:34 pm: The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn
his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he
asked the midget to cough again.
Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if
his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you
do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 12, 2005, 10:13:12 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on April 12, 2005, 03:04:34 pm
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

Does this mean he could be described as

"A Low Down Bum"

:o :( ;D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 13, 2005, 12:07:06 pm: A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The K-Mart salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DickieAttwood on April 14, 2005, 02:08:57 pm: From 'The Two Ronnies' last week

'The man who has been terrorising nudist colonies with a bacon slicer has still not been caught. A policeman has had a tip-off but he's okay now and will be back at work soon'
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 14, 2005, 02:17:07 pm: Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:
One day, I decided to wash my car.
As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there was mail on the hall table.
I decided to sort through the mail before I washed the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and noticed that the trash can was full.

So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and took out the trash first.
But then I thought, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

So, I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find a half-full can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decided that I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I headed toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discovered my reading glasses that I had been searching for all morning.
I decided that I had better put them back on my desk, but first I was going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, filled a container with water and suddenly I spotted the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realized that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decided to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splashed some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, got some towels and wiped up the spill.
Then I headed down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my
chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

Don't laugh . . . . . . If this hasn't happened to you yet, your day IS coming!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 14, 2005, 02:20:19 pm: MS Word Assistant
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 14, 2005, 05:30:08 pm: And another
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 14, 2005, 06:59:09 pm: And another!!

(http://carcino.gen.nz/images/image.php/5a5a66bc/office_assistant.gif&cb=20030313002947)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 15, 2005, 10:21:11 am: One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 15, 2005, 03:49:23 pm: I didnt know that!!!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on April 17, 2005, 12:08:05 pm: Why the dinosaus really died out.

http://www.infocite.info/mark/jurassicfart.wmv (http://www.infocite.info/mark/jurassicfart.wmv)

DB
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 18, 2005, 03:22:48 pm: Speaking of animals.....

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the
only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would
then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 21, 2005, 02:12:36 am: There is no difference between Moby Dick and a waterfront "lady of the evening"
............ They both swallow seaman.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 21, 2005, 12:58:26 pm: ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is further away.......... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"?? He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor".? She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ?

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ?

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ?

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"?

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellllloooooo," answered the blond.? "They're watch dogs."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on April 21, 2005, 01:01:40 pm: On the same theme...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on April 21, 2005, 05:28:19 pm: Keyboard for men
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 21, 2005, 05:48:23 pm: Sorry Stu :D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 26, 2005, 06:00:56 pm: Usefull hints and tips -

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p***ing in the sink.

20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

22. Spice up your love life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x '. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 26, 2005, 06:21:08 pm: A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
>coop.
>
>The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time
>for you to retire."
>
>The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
>hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
>hens over in the corner?"
>
>The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
>
>The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
>the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
>chicken coop."
>
>The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So,
>just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
>
>The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
>takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
>and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
>behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
>
>The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
>he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He
>blows the young rooster to bits.
>
>The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I
>bought this month."
>
>Moral of this story . . . .
>
>Don't mess with the OLD FARTS . . . .
>
>Experience and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 27, 2005, 02:30:05 pm: Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model (Eva) danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

When Eva danced before the first candidate, there was no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Fat Steve.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Fat Steve took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Suddenly all the other bells began to ring. :o
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 27, 2005, 02:44:39 pm: I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope? ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on April 27, 2005, 03:13:32 pm: Quote
I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?

If not, try telling this one in Newcastle...

40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on April 27, 2005, 03:18:09 pm: New Virus to Watch For

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy .... then discards it through Windows.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on April 28, 2005, 08:46:45 am: Quote from: BigH on April 27, 2005, 03:13:32 pm
Quote
I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?

If not, try telling this one in Newcastle...

40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Revenge, my dear H will take place next year on the pitch at the above mentioned hallowed ground and that place called the stadium of shite.

Anyway, you've probably seen this as I'm always late on the jokes but

http://www.sickjokes.net/index.php?disp=watchvideo&filename=KaraokefortheDeaf.wmv (http://www.sickjokes.net/index.php?disp=watchvideo&filename=KaraokefortheDeaf.wmv)

and

http://homepage.mac.com/jpbarr/iMovieTheater7.html (http://homepage.mac.com/jpbarr/iMovieTheater7.html)

sorry if you've seen it.

Stu
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 28, 2005, 06:23:06 pm: THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this senior citizen handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 28, 2005, 10:40:30 pm: A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me
you
won't tell me!" Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the
'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, You hit me with the
'There's
no tooth fairy speech.' If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't
really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 29, 2005, 02:38:29 pm: While I was driving down the M3 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot @r$ehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 29, 2005, 02:40:08 pm: For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie
for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch
perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How
many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife
spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his
money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre,
how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint
free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his
brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled
when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old
man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim
and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer
goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to
Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the #### off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left
to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to s*#g the
other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws
up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much
does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he
fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third
week. When will he stand for parliament?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 29, 2005, 08:25:31 pm: A couple had been married for over twenty years and one day the husband walked into the bedroom to find his wife packing her bags. When asked what she was doing, she simply replied that she was packing and headed to Las Vegas. The husband seemed somewhat puzzled and asked her what she was planning to do out there. Without looking up she replied and said she had heard she could make $400 out there doing what she did for him for free. Without missing a beat the husband started packing his bags. His wife stopped what she was doing looked at her husband and asked him what in the world was he doing. He simply said that he was going to Las Vegas too. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 29, 2005, 08:38:31 pm: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her; kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. ! This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 01, 2005, 11:49:53 pm: Does anyone know why there is only 1 Monopolies Commission?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 02, 2005, 10:24:45 pm: Quote from: garystout on May 01, 2005, 11:49:53 pm
Does anyone know why there is only 1 Monopolies Commission?

Yes.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 03, 2005, 01:51:33 pm: A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there next to the judges table asking for directions to the Corrs Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I've had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb b1tch is starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge# 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my @rse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like s**t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: The Planman on May 03, 2005, 02:34:57 pm: That is one of the funniest things I've read for a while ;D

I pissed myself !!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: sceetum on May 04, 2005, 12:05:28 am: Brilliant ;D ;D.
I have also pissed myself and that hasn't happened for at least a week :-[
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 05, 2005, 07:11:43 pm: Police station toilet stolen, Cops have nothing to go on.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 05, 2005, 09:35:17 pm: A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now p*ss off!" The rabbit hops off.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely p*ssed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in
here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your f'in ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 05, 2005, 10:37:04 pm: First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 05, 2005, 10:37:52 pm: THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little silver sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square cosmetic mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 06, 2005, 02:32:25 pm: A bunch of people are heading to Ibiza this summer but they need 4
more people to get a super package deal in a villa, it will work out
at around £99 for the week with flights, any takers?

Attached is a picture of the lads causing havoc in Amsterdam last
year! If you're not up for it please forward this on to people who
might be, Let me know!

Rob
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 06, 2005, 02:34:51 pm: HSBC - The World's local bank
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 06, 2005, 02:38:56 pm: Personally I've got nothing against scooters
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on May 06, 2005, 08:51:16 pm: ;D ;D ;D ;D

Moped Boy, I just loved the rabbit joke, it really hit my tickle button. First time I tried to tell it I collapsed in hysterics just before the punch-line, and I hadn't had a drink by then. When I finally composed myself enough to finish it DavidsMum also thought it was one of the best she's heard in a long time. ;D ;D

Oh yes, and of course the boy nearly sprayed his cornflakes across the kitchen table when I told him (suitably censored). :-X

Brilliant. Keep them coming.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 06, 2005, 10:17:38 pm: WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA

The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 09, 2005, 12:11:52 am: What can a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on 3 legs?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 09, 2005, 05:37:19 pm: Shake Hands (what were you thinking you sick pervert?!?)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 09, 2005, 06:21:15 pm: Give that lad a cigar ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 09, 2005, 07:37:28 pm: thanks, that one comes up alot in life...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 10, 2005, 08:53:22 pm: Beer drinking
Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked", perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 12, 2005, 10:21:12 am: After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough
was enough, as they could not afford any more. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
At this point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 12, 2005, 08:28:03 pm: Words of wisdom -

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on May 13, 2005, 09:18:21 am: ;D http://www.bangkokbob.net/beer.html ;D

have a look here, they must have some sort of endurance race?

I once went into a bar in Pattaya, Phuket, and ordered a Heineken, the British manager said " We don't sell that in here, we only have decent beer" to which i replied "That'll be a novelty then, I'll have a bottle of "decent beer", to which he replied "F*** off", so i did!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 13, 2005, 10:21:41 am: Bravery

Bravery - is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying off somewhere?"

True Bravery - is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 13, 2005, 08:31:53 pm: Now that one i like,
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 14, 2005, 10:03:57 am: A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Euros for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted €10 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man
asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

“Will you use it to go to the Greatest Motor Race in the World?”

“To spend a week in a field in France? No way!!”

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, motor racing and women."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on May 16, 2005, 03:04:19 pm: Prepare to be hypnotised.
Click on the pic and drag around then click again.

http://mysite.verizon.net/philsackett/temp/hypno.html
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 16, 2005, 03:13:20 pm: That was a good one Smokie. I sent that one, revised a bit, to two friends who are going to the Indy 500 with me. I know it will crack them up. Thanks for the joke...?? No, it's not a joke, it's probably closer to the truth than we may think.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on May 16, 2005, 04:17:49 pm: It's a few minutes before Sunday service. Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replies: "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man. "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone. "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" "No." Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 17, 2005, 08:53:12 am: Stole this from the ALMS Forum

(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-11/876092/image005.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on May 18, 2005, 02:05:24 pm: Thought Moped Boy would like this one.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 18, 2005, 02:12:26 pm: Moped Boy? Surely you mean Aled Jones!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on May 18, 2005, 02:21:51 pm: I'm sure there's not that many women who read this forum, if so your not all bad or is that
mad!!!!!

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on May 20, 2005, 10:57:03 am: Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on May 20, 2005, 03:20:32 pm: I did'nt find out I was dyslexic until last xmas when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 20, 2005, 03:26:28 pm: What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on May 20, 2005, 04:57:45 pm: Then there was the Dsylexic agnostic insomniac.

Who stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 20, 2005, 11:13:04 pm: Quote from: Neil on May 18, 2005, 02:05:24 pm
Thought Moped Boy would like this one.

i'm sure that she's a natural blonde
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 22, 2005, 04:49:57 pm: what do you call a chav in a box?

innit!!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on May 23, 2005, 11:44:46 am: A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "Right, all you b*stards who want to get off here, get a move on 'cause this is the last stop! All you b*stards who are getting on, hurry up and get your arses in the train."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "You MUSTN'T use that sort of language! I don't know where you heard it, but you mustn't use it again. I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear those words again. You should speak nicely, even when you're playing."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand carefully luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Smiling proudly, just as the mother begins to get on with her work she hears the child add, "For those of you who are really pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 23, 2005, 05:50:25 pm: One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he
> saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him
> with a wide grin.
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
>>
>>
>> "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
>>
>>
>> "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
> but a new truck?"
>>
>> "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We
> were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue
> pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into
> the
> woods. She parked the truck, got out,
>> threw off all her clothes and said,
>>
>> 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
>>
>> So I took the truck!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, you're a smart man!.
>> Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 24, 2005, 08:27:37 pm: Well, if you guys didn't like the last one maybe you'll like this one.

>Subject: Golf story
>
> > > > Four men went golfing one day. Three of them
> headed to the
> > > > first tee and the fourth went into the
> clubhouse to take care
> > > > of the bill.
> > > >
> > > > The three men started talking and bragging
> about their sons.
> > > > The first man told the others, "My son is a
> home builder, and
> > > > he is so successful that he gave a friend a
> new home for free.
> > > > Just gave it to him!"
> > > >
> > > > The second man said, "My son was a car
> salesman, and now he
> > > > owns a multi-line dealership. He's so
> successful that he gave
> > > > one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully
> "loaded."
> > > >
> > > > The third man said "My son is a stockbroker,
> and he's doing
> > > > so incredibly well that he gave his friend an
> entire
> > > > portfolio."
> > > >
> > > > The fourth man joined them on the tee after a
> few minutes of
> > > > taking care of business. The first man
> mentioned, "We were just
> > > > talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
> > > >
> > > > The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay
> and go-go dances
> > > > in a gay bar."
> > > >
> > > > The other three men grew silent as he
> continued, "I'm not
> > > > totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he
> must be doing
> > > > well. His last three boyfriends gave him a
> house, a brand new
> > > > Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 25, 2005, 10:54:37 pm: Am I the only one reading this thread? Apparently you guys haven't liked the other two, so here's number 3. After that, I give up!!!! I know it's an old one that's been around for awhile but it's still funny anyway.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
> Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
> The boy now has company.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball."
> Man: "That's nice."
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
> Man: "No, thanks."
> Boy: "My dad's outside."
> Man: "OK, how much?"
> Boy: "$250."
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
> in the closet together.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes, it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
> Man: "How much?"
> Boy: "$750."
> Man: "Fine."
>
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
> glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
> The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> The son says,"$1,000."
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
> friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
>
> They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and
> makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
>
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
> The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"

As Fran says, keep 'em coming John, we're all enjoying them. Don't expect responses though as the thread will be pruned of non-joke posts (i.e. lots of people saying Excellent, Good One, LOL). Just cos no-one is saying much doesn't mean we don't like 'em!!! See ya soon. Smokie

And Mr Invisible and Perdu have also agreed on this thread - but I will remove their posts. I remember why I wanted this thread "clean" - I was going on a lad's weekend, and needed some good jokes, but when I went to print the thread it was ridiculously long...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on May 25, 2005, 11:03:08 pm: LOL johnevans - keep em coming!

F
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on May 26, 2005, 07:38:59 pm: Here is a link to a Video, that Mr. Clarkson would love.

Perfect Family Car (http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=432)

Quote
And Mr Invisible and Perdu have also agreed on this thread - but I will remove their posts. I remember why I wanted this thread "clean" - I was going on a lad's weekend, and needed some good jokes, but when I went to print the thread it was ridiculously long...

That wouldn't be somewhere in the middle of France would it smokie? ;) ;D :D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 26, 2005, 09:55:45 pm: A jogger noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so she walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,

What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.

"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels each week, and I eat only junk food.

Most weekends I pop pills and do no exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing at your age!" says the jogger.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," she replied
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 26, 2005, 10:59:08 pm: Here is one for you efficiency experts.

Subject: Restaurant Efficiency>
>
> Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the
> waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
> a
> little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out
> water
> and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then
> looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in
> their
> pocket.
>
>
> When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the
> spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
> Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
> After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
> customers
> drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This
> represents
> a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
> personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
> number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
>
>
> As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
> Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket
> and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead
> of
> making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
>
> I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and
> while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that
> there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
> around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
> their fly.
>
>
> My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked
> the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
> right
> there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone
> is
> as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out
> that
> we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by
> tying
> this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the
> urinal
> without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
> shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
>
>
> "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
> how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even
> further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 27, 2005, 02:25:41 pm: At the 2004 World Womans conference the first speaker from Canada
stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my
husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from France stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing
but my washing as well. "

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood up:
"Efter last year's conference ah went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or shoppin and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel.
Efter the first day ah saw nuthin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'.
But efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 27, 2005, 03:38:45 pm: Cowboy Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife "Notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over "Nope."

Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's hanging
down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies,

"Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, shoulda bought a hat
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 27, 2005, 03:52:31 pm: Notable Quotables

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is,"
* Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and, you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor!)

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 27, 2005, 07:09:38 pm: The old farmer had a large pond in the back of his property, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old boy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on May 27, 2005, 10:18:40 pm: Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on May 28, 2005, 01:32:52 am: Quote from: SteveB on May 27, 2005, 10:18:40 pm
Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

Sorry I don't think so!!.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: northern lass on May 29, 2005, 12:16:45 am: What do ya call a midwife who refuses do deliver scousers?

A Crime Prevention Officer
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 31, 2005, 04:44:27 pm: Now it's time for the truth.

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ecurie on May 31, 2005, 04:57:05 pm: An young girl got married to a Greek man. Just before her wedding night her mother gave her some advice :
" Darling, you should know that Greek men can have an unorthodox approach to sex. So, if ever he tries something weird with you, you call me as soon as possible."
The first three months pass and the mother, to her relieve, doesn't get "the" call from her daughter.
Then, one night, the daughter calls :
" Mummie, something strange has happened"
" Oh honey, what did he make you do ?"
" Well, he wanted me to lay on my back."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 31, 2005, 05:05:20 pm: Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underware.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on May 31, 2005, 05:12:17 pm: A guys walks into an adult toy store and tells the clerk he would an inflatable doll.The clerk asks the guy if he would like a Christian or a muslim one.The guy puzzled asks the clerk explain the difference. The clerk
says that the Christian one you have to blow up,and the muslim one blows itself up!
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on June 01, 2005, 12:38:39 pm: Son to his Father:
- “Dad, a Ferrari, is that a red car with a horse ?”
- “Yes my Son, why ?”
- “I think a Ferrari is just about to overtake us on our right side” .....

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/chris_bea/Ferrari1.jpg)
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/chris_bea/Ferrari2.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on June 03, 2005, 08:43:18 pm: For any people wishing to dump their partner and are a bit stuck on how to do it try

http://www.goodbyebitch.com/
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on June 03, 2005, 09:12:18 pm: you got the horse picks of priceless420.com great site
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on June 03, 2005, 11:38:58 pm: What's the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?

Scargill hasn't seen a minor's helmet in fifteen years.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 05, 2005, 12:46:43 am: Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your f****** cat."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on June 05, 2005, 10:36:07 am: Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

(also taken from Priceless420.com)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on June 09, 2005, 03:43:07 pm: Does delivering a horse in an automobile require that the license tag be inverted? ??? ::)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tink on June 09, 2005, 08:44:15 pm: why are a hurricane and a wife similar?

first they suck and blow, then they take your house
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on June 11, 2005, 07:40:19 pm: A chap was in the bathroom shaving. From the kitchen he could hear pots and pans rattling and low music playing.
But he was despondent. He said in a voice he thought could be heard in the kitchen ..'Honey, I may have to leave my job'.
But he heard nothing from the kitchen.
He repeated, Honey I may have to quit work. The guys down there are calling me a homosexual'.
Again no answer to this most important statement.
Getting irritated he exclaimed loudly, ' I can't take it anymore. I gotta quit my job. It's not good at work'.
Again no answer . and with this he charges into the kitchen and gruffly says. 'George ............ your not listening'!..
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on June 12, 2005, 05:07:28 pm: This is one of the funniest things I've seen for ages ;D

http://goyk.com/video.asp?path=1765

The volume is a bit quiet so may need turning up (and no I am not trying to "catch someone out" with that comment).
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on June 12, 2005, 05:33:14 pm: There not fainting, there "ratarsed" :D
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: huggybear on June 12, 2005, 09:21:17 pm: A bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. In the bedroom his wife lies suductively on the bed. He says ' This is the pig I ***k when you're not around'. She arrogantly replies ' I think you'll find its a sheep'. He says ' I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!'
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on June 13, 2005, 04:12:22 pm: An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no wollly! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save much money"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 13, 2005, 10:23:26 pm: THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden, feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion, and that it would be a woman.

He said,"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children.
. . and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course, the rest is history . .
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on June 15, 2005, 04:51:45 pm: (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/allmen.jpg)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 22, 2005, 01:20:20 pm: An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 22, 2005, 07:11:17 pm: Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police
station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 23, 2005, 01:03:00 pm: Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike..

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 23, 2005, 04:47:49 pm: This may be truer than we think!!!

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on June 24, 2005, 11:04:08 pm: Same joke but Cliff Richard in Japan and the crowd are shouting "Sing Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny" and when Cliff says he doesn't rememeber the tune, the little guy gets up and sings...

"Itchy Fanny that we don't talk any more........" :)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 06:37:01 pm: Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her then adds; "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
send her just the word "comfortable"?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it very slowly....com-for-da-bull.
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on June 27, 2005, 06:43:42 pm: A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied. -
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 06:47:49 pm: Oh Doris, you're so bad!!!! :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 09:14:20 pm: I noticed that several of the 2005 attendees could have used this product.

http://www.jengajam.com/r/crack-spackle-crack
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on June 28, 2005, 06:48:46 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 06:47:49 pm
Oh Doris, you're so bad!!!! :'( :'( :'(

Isn't that the best way to have fun? ;)
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 28, 2005, 08:59:53 pm: An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on June 30, 2005, 12:24:29 pm: Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 30, 2005, 08:00:12 pm: As seen in the Lower Shufflebottom Gazette
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 01, 2005, 11:54:48 am: For when life gets too tough
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on July 01, 2005, 04:51:15 pm: A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No,! what do you mean?" says the newcomer."You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on July 01, 2005, 05:02:10 pm: Well I thought it was funny ;D

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/content/files/mpg/binmen.mpg
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 05, 2005, 04:30:05 pm: The U.S. National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh , sh*t!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this sh*t."
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 06, 2005, 04:52:32 pm: A pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the
usual "this won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill
in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "you have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other,
are we?"
Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on July 11, 2005, 05:04:02 pm: OPENING CEREMONY
>
> The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by Millwall FC
> supporter, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be
> contained in a large kebab van situated on the roof of the stadium.
>
> THE EVENTS
>
> In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been
> particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
> events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
> 100 METRES SPRINT
> Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
> in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
> be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
> 100 METRES HURDLES
> As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
> fences walls etc.)
>
> HAMMER
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
> (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
> grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
>
> FENCING
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry
> as possible in 5 minutes.
>
> SHOOTING
> A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
> first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
> competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor
> style wages delivery man.
>
> BOXING
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
> will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
> Stella while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
> home. The bout will then commence.
>
> CYCLING TIME TRIALS
> Competitors will be asked to break into the bike sheds in one of
> capital's universities and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some
> mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All
> against the clock
>
> CYCLING PURSUIT
> As above but the bike will be owned by a member of the
> England rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
> MODERN PENTATHLON
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding
> and arson.
>
> THE MARATHON
> A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued
> with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
> round the course.
>
> SWIMMING
> Competitors will be thrown off London bridge. The first three survivors
> back will decide the medals. Walking on the surface is not allowed.
>
> MEN'S 50KM WALK
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
> guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of England's capital
> city.
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY
>
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
> Hackney Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
> throwing and music by the Bethnal Green Community Choir. The Olympic
> flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
> onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
> The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
> it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 13, 2005, 04:40:10 pm: A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise
me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on July 14, 2005, 10:24:36 am: These are (apparently) from actual GCSE essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

Mc Murphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at
4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr
on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work. (I have actually got a brother called Phil)

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

`Oh, Jason, take me!` She panted, her breasts heaving like a student on
31p-a-pint-night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her
first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook
MP Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee
hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ecurie on July 14, 2005, 01:11:21 pm: Two guys go out for a night of drinking. As they don't have too much money, they have devised a cunning plan.

One of them sticks a big salami in his pants and after they have gotten their drink, the other one will kneel in front of him, open up the guys pants, take the salami in his mouth and act as giving him a blowjob.

"You'll see, they will throw us out and we won't have to pay anything"

They go into the first bar, order a scotch and after emptying their glas, they perform their act. Sure enough, the bartender says : "We will not allow such a disgusting behaviour in this establishment" and throws them out.

They continue this "blowjob" act with succes for the whole evening.

Finally, after 15 glasses of scotch, the first one says :
"I have had enough, I can't take anymore"

"Yeah" says the other, " me neither, especially after I lost the salami between the 3rd and 4th bar"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on July 14, 2005, 05:38:53 pm: Recently a Husband Superstore opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands.....

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking, "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paid jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so they went further up.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak."
"Oh mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
The exit is to your left.
Have a nice day.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on July 15, 2005, 08:26:38 am: Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side
of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man
enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit ......
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't
come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume
of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of
the builder ......
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me
mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by
profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a
goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a
bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a
large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this
town if you have a large garden then you have a
large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...
built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house
it is logical to assume that you haven't built it
just for yourself and that you are quite probably
married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four
children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are
sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've
told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what
he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w**k*r.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on July 15, 2005, 01:08:40 pm: Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop."Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 18, 2005, 02:25:14 pm: LIFE WITH THE WIFE
Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of
men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene
gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't Feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????! ! ! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to
my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and
not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take ! the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you .she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT??? ! ! ! "

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. "

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the THINGS
that I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on July 18, 2005, 06:07:20 pm: Sounds like the book "Men are from Venus women from Mars" My book is going to be called "Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth, Deal with it"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 20, 2005, 10:54:41 am: Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a
vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast
little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up
old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of
their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is
coming up so surprise me!"

Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 20, 2005, 10:56:50 am: Back of the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and took a set at the back.
She noticed the man opposite her looking at here smiling but not taking his eyes off of her.
So she moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed even more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested thinking that he was disturbed.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition...
She sat under a sweet’s sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on July 22, 2005, 11:13:00 am: A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now!
I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the
time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground
I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on July 22, 2005, 10:03:46 pm: So these two families moved from Afghanistan to the USA. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet that in a year's time whichever family had become more americanised would win.
A year later they met. The fist man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The other guy says, "F*ck you, Raghead".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on July 25, 2005, 10:45:38 am: A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100
dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them

or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 25, 2005, 05:18:54 pm: This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store . .
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot
on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished,
Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise
exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that
Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back
room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that
hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 25, 2005, 05:24:03 pm: A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
> through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
>parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father.
>"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
>coming up with" Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
>dogs how to talk!"
>
> "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get Big
>Red in that program?"
>
> "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get
>him into the course."
>
> So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way
>through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
>
> "So how's Big Red doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad,
>he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -
>they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a
>new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
>
> "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to
>get him in that program?"
>
> "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends
>the money.
>
> The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
>
> When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Big Red?
>I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
>
> "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when
>I got out of the shower, Big Red was in the living room kicking back in the
>recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned
>to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little
>redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
>
> The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"
>
> "I sure did, Dad!"
>
> "That's my boy
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 02, 2005, 11:27:20 am: (http://www.cobraclub.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=3372)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on August 02, 2005, 02:02:36 pm: What should happen when Women cheat.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 03, 2005, 06:10:53 pm: A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful:

Christ! he says "Are you that strip-a-gram on my stag night that I screwed
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your pal whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on August 05, 2005, 12:49:57 pm: instructor in muslim-terrorist camp:
"Okay everybody, I'm going to demonstrate how you can blow yourself up using no more then common household chemicals and a simple detonating device! Watch carefully, I'm only going to demonstrate this once!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on August 05, 2005, 12:55:54 pm: Too women were talking, one said "My daughter's marrying an irishman"
"Oh, really"
"No, O'Riley"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on August 05, 2005, 05:31:04 pm: Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen ???
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on August 05, 2005, 05:31:48 pm: Because they sell more tickets ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on August 05, 2005, 08:42:55 pm: A woman goes to the doctors feeling unwell, so they do some tests. The doctor then tells her to come back in a week for the results.
A week later her husband goes to the doctors to pick up the results. The doctor says "I'm sorry your wifes results have been mixed up with another lady. She either has a dodgy heart or has Aids"
"What should i do." asks the husband.
"Well you can send her on a 10 mile run and if she comes back don't shag her." The Doctor replied.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on August 05, 2005, 08:53:35 pm: John is walking along the beach feeling depressed after going through a messy divorce when he comes across an old sealed bottle, which he opens and a Genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years. As a thankyou i grant you three wishes on condition your wife will get the same but much bigger." says the Genie.
John thinks for a minute and says. " I wish for 100 million pounds"
He instantly becomes rich. But his wife becomes a billionaire.
"I wish to be relly attractive to the opposite sex."
He instantly becomes very handsome. His wife becomes the most stunning women seen by man.
"For my last wish i wish for a mild heart attack"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 08, 2005, 12:34:56 pm: Here's a good waste of ten minutes:

http://www.filecabi.net/v/file/bra-size/swf
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on August 11, 2005, 11:06:21 am: I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "P*ss off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on August 11, 2005, 11:26:07 am: At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay
man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all
the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car
park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like that" he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Scousers, are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls
but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but
is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them,
so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC
Shitty Manc of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good
officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm
"Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take
a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already
hatched and the ****ers have managed to nick a motorbike already"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on August 12, 2005, 11:51:45 am: Birmingham Tornado Appeal
A Tornado Hit Birmingham on Wednesday causing widespread damage,
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying 'bang out of order',
'mental' and 'that did my head in'. The Tornado decimated the area
causing in excess of £7.55 worth of damage. Several priceless
collections of mementoes from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond
repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were
destroyed. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived.
One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith a 15 year old mother of four said 'It
was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into my bedroom
crying and my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up
whilst I was watching Trisha'.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found numerous 'Elizabeth Duke'
sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from Poundstretcher and Argos
catalogues. However they have not managed to save any furniture from
Crazy George's as yet.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is
most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits (his and hers
preferably), white socks, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok
trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain's
Micro-chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is
also in short supply, especially White lightening Cider and Carlsberg
Special Brew.
Cash Donations are also needed. 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on,
2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, 3.00 buys a blag CD (not an original
copy), 20 buys a fake M.O.T (or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the
vehicle out) and 26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back
from Kavos.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 16, 2005, 03:40:01 pm: President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Blair sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"

Blair says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to drop some H bombs and kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Blair and says, "See, I told you no one cares about the 140 million Muslims..."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on August 16, 2005, 09:27:20 pm: A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is a Spurs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

" Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on August 17, 2005, 05:38:49 pm: Women = problems, you do the maths.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on August 18, 2005, 01:47:31 pm: Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching
the six o'clock news.
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says:
"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he
doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a
loud thud.
Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to
Posh.
But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I
was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going
to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says David.
"That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as
you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he
would do it again."

**

The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday,
just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing
unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

**

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting
in the Kitchen department of a large department store. "What's
that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his
next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says
proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

**

Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed.
The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in
the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just
blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts
"You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"

**

David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts
happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

**

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed.
Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car
with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in
one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his
wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I
just killed the cow."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SmithA on August 19, 2005, 09:14:08 am: John checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a really sexy girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs, all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figured, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on August 22, 2005, 03:08:03 pm: A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a green bottle poking up out of the sand.

He picked it up and rubbed it, and 'lo-and-behold' a genie appeared!
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm
a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

With all the troubles in the world today, the man didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. I can't stand the thought of the planet living in terror every day. It needs to end right now. This is my chance to make a difference."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Fella, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the ideal woman. You know, one that's like a filthy whore in the bedroom and like your mother in the kitchen, enjoys cleaning, washing, ironing and
all those other boring household chores, gets along with all my mates, doesn't mind me watching sports all the time, let's me drink and smoke what I want when I want, thinks my farting and burping is funny, pays for both of us when we go out somewhere and is interested in cars. That is what I wish for ... my ideal woman."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that f#cking map again."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 24, 2005, 04:38:05 pm: A blonde walks into the Home Furnishings department of John Lewis.

She tells the salesman "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains please"

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size she needs.
The blonde promptly replies "Fifteen inches"
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they are not for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains"

The blonde says "Hellloooooooo Iv'e got Windoooooows"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 25, 2005, 10:20:01 am: Corporate Lessons

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, But by the moments that take our breath away

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find Glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on August 25, 2005, 05:03:21 pm: A five-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath....
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on August 25, 2005, 06:07:15 pm: Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 30, 2005, 01:41:46 pm: At the world brewing convention in the States the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first days conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted at the barman "In Strylya we make the best bladdy beer in the world so pour me a bladdy Fosters mate"

Chuck, CEO of Budweiser, called out next,"In the States we brew the best goddam beers in the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud"

Hans stepped up next "In Germany ve invented zer beer, verdamt Give me ein Becks, das is der real king of beers, danke"

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, stepped forward "Barman oi'll just be avin a doyet coke wid oyce and lemon, tanks"

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazment written all over their faces.

Eventally Bruce asks "So Paddy how come you aint gonna have a bladdy Guinness?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you feckin pansies aren't drickin, den needer am I"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 31, 2005, 04:49:36 pm: A very bad day :'(
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 31, 2005, 05:02:34 pm: Don't buy this car :-\

http://www.cobraclub.com/cobragallery/data/3024/LittleCarWithBigAmbitions.wmv
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 31, 2005, 05:04:14 pm: The world has gone mad. A bloke's shoved a mole so far up his arse that it has to be removed with an electric carving knife. Then he farts in a surgeon's face, sets fire to his own bollocks and has the sheer nerve to sue the hapless hospital. He should be ashamed.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on August 31, 2005, 05:38:34 pm: Quote from: Steve Brown on August 31, 2005, 05:02:34 pm

Don't buy this car :-\

http://www.cobraclub.com/cobragallery/data/3024/LittleCarWithBigAmbitions.wmv

what are the chances they are the people that bought smokie's van? ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on September 01, 2005, 11:20:57 am: A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy female behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father
of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's Language Teacher"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on September 01, 2005, 12:07:18 pm: Quote from: A Zarse esq on August 03, 2005, 06:10:53 pm
A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful:

Christ! he says "Are you that strip-a-gram on my stag night that I screwed
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your pal whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...

Werner, see previous page! ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 01, 2005, 05:00:09 pm: Quote from: A Zarse esq on September 01, 2005, 12:07:18 pm

Werner, see previous page! ;)

It's still funny the second time though ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 02, 2005, 12:17:11 pm: Tony Blair started to jog near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog passed a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds" She'd shout from the curb.

"No, five pounds" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurance.
He'd run by and she'd yell "Fifty pounds" He'd yell back "Five pounds"

One day Cherie decided that she would accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working womans corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had been doing on his past outings.

He figured he had better have a good explanation for "the boss"

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitutes eyes as they jogged past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled "See what you got for your five pounds"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 02, 2005, 11:23:00 pm: A women wakes up after a good nights sleep, she turns to her husband and comments on the dream she had.
"I dream't you gave me a small gift wrapped present, and when i opened it it contained a diamond necklace, what could it mean."
The husband replied she would have to wait to see.
That evening the husband returns with a small gift wrapped present.
The wife excitedly opens it to reveal a small book entitled 'The meaning of dreams'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on September 06, 2005, 02:55:14 pm: ane and Steve are like any normal couple after 35 years, everything seems just too familiar.
They go to bed, wake up, go to work, home, bed and so on until one morning Jane wakes up and says to Steve,
I had a very weird dream last night. I dreamt that I went to a cock auction.
Steve, looking surprised, asks, What do you mean, what sort of cock auction?
Jane said, They were selling cocks. Big fat juicy cocks for £100, smaller thinner ones for £50 and small wrinkly old ones for £10.
Steve was thinking this was a little strange and asks Jane,
How much for one like mine?
Jane replies, They were giving them away for free at the door.

Steve goes to work really pissed off but the next day wakes up and says to Jane,
That dream you had last night, I had one just like that, but it was a pussy auction they were selling nice tight, smooth juicy pussies for £100, slightly looser with light stubble for £50 and wrinkly old dry pussy for £10.

Jane, looking for a compliment, turns over and asks, How much for one like mine?
Steve replies, Funny you should mention that, that’s where they were holding the auction.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 06, 2005, 04:16:12 pm: I should probably delete that one Neilsie, but it made me laugh.

However, a gentle reminder to all that we do try to maintain a certain standard here...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on September 06, 2005, 09:54:43 pm: HA HA ! Leave it. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on September 07, 2005, 10:04:41 pm: Three men; one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

"A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

"The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on September 08, 2005, 12:53:46 pm: DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshellst ogether gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on September 08, 2005, 04:55:43 pm: (http://)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on September 09, 2005, 11:16:13 am: Quote from: Rhino on August 05, 2005, 08:53:35 pm
John is walking along the beach feeling depressed after going through a messy divorce when he comes across an old sealed bottle, which he opens and a Genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years. As a thankyou i grant you three wishes on condition your wife will get the same but much bigger." says the Genie.
John thinks for a minute and says. " I wish for 100 million pounds"
He instantly becomes rich. But his wife becomes a billionaire.
"I wish to be relly attractive to the opposite sex."
He instantly becomes very handsome. His wife becomes the most stunning women seen by man.
"For my last wish i wish for a mild heart attack"

....now the follow-up...

His wife had a heart attack much milder than his!!!

The moral is ....Choose your words carefully.

Del
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on September 09, 2005, 05:00:32 pm: Think thats wrong ?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on September 09, 2005, 05:04:45 pm: (http://www.gadgetryblog.com/photos/uncategorized/badparenting_1.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 13, 2005, 08:59:31 pm: Things you'll never hear at a Nascar Race

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."

"Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"

"My God, this is a splendid Merlot!"

"Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

"Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."

"What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

"These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."

"And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on September 15, 2005, 05:14:47 pm: A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 15, 2005, 09:56:25 pm: A man walks into a bar and orders two triple whiskys. The barman asks 'What you celebrating.'
'My first blowjob' the man replies.
'Congratulations' said the barman 'let me buy you another one.'
'Sure why not, if two won't shift the taste perhaps the third will.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on September 15, 2005, 11:29:49 pm: A man goes into a hairdressers, and asks "how long for a haircut" the hairdresser replies " 1 hour" , the guy says" i will come back then" but never does, returns the next day to ask "how long for a haircut" "2 hours" says the hairdresser, but the guy dosnt return, only to come in the day after to ask "how long for a haircut" the hairdresser replies "at least 2 hours" curious the hairdresser tells the junior to follow him and see why he never returns, when the junior comes back the hairdresser asks "did you find out where this guy goes" "yes says the junior , your house"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 16, 2005, 10:45:39 am: A woman's logic explained :-

The Points System

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow +8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 22, 2005, 12:41:04 am: Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient!

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news
is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with
the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's
dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 23, 2005, 10:06:29 am: Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Jimmy Joe,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a
little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earlene with me."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 23, 2005, 06:05:59 pm: 13 things that annoy Billy Connolly.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their #### to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. so what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:03:02 pm: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Famous Grouse whisky and women with big tits."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:04:09 pm: A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:16:30 pm: A guy with a tall hat walks into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He eats one bite and leaves the cafe without paying. The waitress is pissed and tells the manager. The manager runs outside looking for the man with the tall hat and sees him walking up some stairs down the street.

The manager follows him up the stairs and realizes he went into a whore house. The manager asks to know where the gentleman with the tall hat is and the madam reluctantly points to his room.

The manager knocks a couple times and with no reply he kicks in the door. He sees the man eating this girl out and angerly asks him why he didn't pay for his soup. The gentleman with the tall hat replied that there was a hair in his soup. The manager says "You have your face in that and your worried about a hair in your soup???." The gentleman says "Yup, and if I find a chicken noodle in here I'm not paying for this either!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:50:22 pm: Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on September 26, 2005, 11:40:01 pm: I hear President Bush believes that Al Qaeda are responsible for the flooding in New Orleans. Apparently he thinks it was a suicide plumber.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on September 27, 2005, 01:19:26 pm: A HEART RENDING STORY AND A COMPASSIONATE MAN

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot.

I consider telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is another one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb.3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing.. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, and died.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on September 29, 2005, 10:27:05 am: Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on September 30, 2005, 10:47:01 pm: There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm..... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?"
And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night"
Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 03, 2005, 04:30:23 pm: I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice I read
in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have
started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on October 03, 2005, 05:02:02 pm: Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the
same tag-line...

Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

f**k condoms - No comment required.

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

AA condoms - For our customers we're the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.

And finally, with a prize for the best answer:

Tropicoma condoms - .............................................................

Del
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 03, 2005, 05:33:52 pm: Tropicoma Condoms - The Liver Is Evil And Must Be Punished (Internally) Condoms
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on October 06, 2005, 12:35:53 pm: In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . a misdewiener!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 06, 2005, 02:40:29 pm: Two from Pidge (who dares not post his jokes here after he got told off once!!) :)
________________________________________________________________

I went into the gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

________________________________________________________________

"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."

-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina

"Ditto"

-- Mary Jo Kopechne
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ecurie on October 09, 2005, 03:04:04 pm: Nice one.

http://www.funnynation.be/filmpjes_details.php?ID=20
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 10, 2005, 11:19:19 pm: Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on October 11, 2005, 06:37:48 pm: Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 12, 2005, 01:31:33 am: Quote from: BigH on October 11, 2005, 06:37:48 pm
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"

Read The Times today H??
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on October 13, 2005, 12:10:01 am: Two old men sat in deck chairs, one said "its nice out, isnt it" the other said "yes, but put it away, theres a policeman coming" ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 13, 2005, 11:33:31 am: Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkson at London Premier.

"I'm a Supermodel" says Kate, "Who are you?"

" I do Top Gear" says Clarkson.

Kate says "Great, I'll have 4 raps!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 13, 2005, 11:45:57 am: Her favourite TV show is

"Who's line is it anyway?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on October 13, 2005, 01:04:50 pm: This is an extract from the latest Mills and Boon Novel. With writing like this there really is no need for pictures.

"We met in our secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

"We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.

"Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

"Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

"Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock."

(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 13, 2005, 05:28:15 pm: Quote from: SteveZarse on October 13, 2005, 01:04:50 pm
(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

No it's not. I'm fairly sure you can pick one up in Wales as well.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: skorpio on October 15, 2005, 12:38:39 am: Quote from: Doris on October 13, 2005, 05:28:15 pm
Quote from: SteveZarse on October 13, 2005, 01:04:50 pm
(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

No it's not. I'm fairly sure you can pick one up in Wales as well.
----------------------------------

No, sorry, it's been banned in Wales,too explicit ;) ;D {and too accurate :o ;D :D}
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 16, 2005, 11:14:12 am: Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon
Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He
went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one
more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and
looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous
sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice
down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the
keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 17, 2005, 01:24:04 pm: A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's lift.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She looks arrogantly at the old lady and says, "Georgio, £100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. In an effort to outdo she turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, £150 an ounce."

The old lady had just about enough of this showing off and as she arrives at her floor, the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over picks up her bags and farts and says, ............"Broccoli, 49 pence a pound."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 19, 2005, 09:42:56 am: Story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have
a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 20, 2005, 11:25:09 am: At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them
up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that
the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and
then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 20, 2005, 12:00:54 pm: While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" to which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then
with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gu n and park him behind
a bridge..."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 20, 2005, 01:00:42 pm: A new style of trainers have been released specifically aimed at the lesbian market.

Called "Nikes 4 Dykes" they come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 20, 2005, 10:45:37 pm: WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not!"

WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."

WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"

HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."

WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"

WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."

WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"

HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 20, 2005, 11:32:57 pm: A plane has just left Stansted Airport for Spain when a blonde in economy class gets up from her seat and moves up to the First Class section and takes a empty seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she has only got a economy class fare and that she will have to return to that section. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Spain and I'm staying here".

The flight attendant tries to talk her round but to no avail so she reports the situation to the flight deck.

After a few minutes the co-pilot arrives at First Class section to speak with the blonde. Her explains that she can not use the First Class facility holding only an economy class ticket, and that she must move back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Spain and I'm staying right here".

Exasperated the co-pilot reports back to the Captain stating that it was no good and he thinks that they should have the police waiting for her on arrival.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde with an Essex accent, white high heel shoes etc". "I'll handle this, I'm married to an Essex blonde and I speak blonde". He makes his way to the blonde and on arrival, whispers in her ear, and she say's "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,"'gets up and moves back to the economy class.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he had said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her the First Class section isn't going to Spain"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 21, 2005, 12:07:57 am: A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! - A torso pops out!

The pub is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still
shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.

The pub goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.

The pub is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and
tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "That boy should have quit while he was a head!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 21, 2005, 10:11:34 am: I think I knew hom Rhino.

When he was younger his parents would take great pleasure in wrapping up his Christmas present and placing it under the tree, only for the the son to turn around on Christmas Day and ask "It's not another bloody hat is it?"

And when he was at school he joined the swimming team. In his first race the starter fired the pistol and the head just rolled off the starting block and sunk to the bottom of the pool. The lifeguards pulled him out and the fathger rushed over and shouted "are you alright" and the son replied "yeah, I just got cramp!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 21, 2005, 04:29:01 pm: How do you get a fat bird into your bed?

Piece of cake!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 21, 2005, 10:33:37 pm: Advantages of older women having a baby, no need to take the baby out the cot when breastfeeding.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 24, 2005, 04:49:58 pm: Doncha just want to do this sometimes?

http://tinyurl.com/9pmnz
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 24, 2005, 06:14:23 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on October 24, 2005, 04:49:58 pm
Doncha just want to do this sometimes?

http://tinyurl.com/9pmnz

What? sign up for MSN? ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 24, 2005, 07:37:39 pm: Well,,,,it didn't work just right. Wrong one, will try again. Sorry about that..

http://www.funny.co.uk/fun-and-games/art_170-1273-Funny-Video-Clip-Penguin-Tripping-Penguin.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on October 27, 2005, 09:54:09 am: UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 0500 for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and therefore LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 0500." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 0900 and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 0500. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on October 27, 2005, 10:33:09 am: Isnt it a shame that after two Pope John Pauls, they could not of called the next Pope, George Ringo.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 27, 2005, 04:37:11 pm: A little early for this but it's only two months away.

http://www.flashfunpages..com/couple.swf
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on October 27, 2005, 05:03:17 pm: Quote from: jpchenet on October 21, 2005, 10:11:34 am
I think I knew hom Rhino.

When he was younger his parents would take great pleasure in wrapping up his Christmas present and placing it under the tree, only for the the son to turn around on Christmas Day and ask "It's not another bloody hat is it?"

And when he was at school he joined the swimming team. In his first race the starter fired the pistol and the head just rolled off the starting block and sunk to the bottom of the pool. The lifeguards pulled him out and the fathger rushed over and shouted "are you alright" and the son replied "yeah, I just got cramp!"

ROTFLMAO!

Mark you are a sick man.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 27, 2005, 05:39:26 pm: Quote from: Bobblehat on October 27, 2005, 10:33:09 am
Isnt it a shame that after two Pope John Pauls, they could not of called the next Pope, George Ringo.

Some wit said the other day, "It's a tragedy, the Beatles are dying in the wrong order".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on October 28, 2005, 11:02:16 am: I know you all love Pikies so you should like this one
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 28, 2005, 02:44:01 pm: How to name a website without thinking it through properly

Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

The Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

There is an Italian Power company:

http://www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 28, 2005, 02:48:05 pm: Forty gypsies arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

St Peter said ''Sorry, we've only got room for 12. You have to decide amongst yourselves who is coming in.''

Five minutes later, St Peter says to God '' They've gone''.

God said '' What, all forty?''

St Peter says '' No , the f***ing gates"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on October 28, 2005, 04:22:25 pm: Quote from: Lawnmower Man on October 28, 2005, 11:02:16 am
I know you all love Pikies so you should like this one http://lemans.tmdg.co.uk/PikeyinRenault5.wmv

LOL !

Looks alot like a trip to Sebring Adventure I had once.
Borrowed a travel trailer sight unseen[way BIGGER than told]
damn near killed us and the truck. LOL!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on November 01, 2005, 12:25:07 am: I was really happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My friends liked her and encouraged me, my parents and her parents agreed we'd make a fine couple and helped us in every way.

And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and it bothered me very much. It was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was stunningly beautiful, twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I got there and she said that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her big sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want me, come
up and get me." :o

I was stunned. I just froze in shock as I watched her gorgeous ass as she climbed the stairs. :P :P

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down to me!

I stood there for a moment, then turned, opened the door and stepped out of the house and turned towards my car.

Imagine my shock! My future father-in-law was standing outside the house with tears in his eyes!

He hugged me and said, "I am SO happy that you have passed our
little test. I couldn't ask for better husband for my daughter, and as a reward I'm going to give you $50,000 towards a house for you both. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is,

..........

Always keep your condoms in your car.

;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 01, 2005, 10:08:44 am: I walked into a public toilet at the services on the M1 today where I
found
two cubicles. One was already occupied so I entered the other one,
closed
the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how you
doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah,
not
too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what you up to mate?"

Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I
replied "Umm, just having a quick poo How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ckhead in the
loo
next to me answering everything I say
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on November 03, 2005, 10:11:27 pm: Hot off the press!

Today, David Blunkett has released the following statement:

... . ... .. .... ... .. .... . . . . ..... .. . .. . ... .... . . .
.....
. . . . . . .. . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . .. . . .. . ......
... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . . .... ...... . ...... ..... ... .
...... ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . .... . ....... .. ...... .
....... ...... .. . .... .. ....... .... .. ... .. .. . . .... ... . .
........ . . . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... . ... .... ... ... ..
...
.. . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... . . ... . ... .... . . . .
..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . . . . .. . .
...... ... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . .... ....... .

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on November 03, 2005, 10:21:28 pm: An expert in wasps walks past a second hand record shop when he notices in the window a record on the sounds of different kinds of wasps. Excitedly he goes in and asks if he can listen to it.
The owner plays the first track and the wasp expert looks puzzled, not recognising it he listens to a couple of tracks with the same result.
The owner looks at the record and apologetically says to the expert,
'Im sorry its on the bee side'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 04, 2005, 09:38:40 am: Sorry Cat Lovers!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on November 05, 2005, 11:16:05 pm: Women: if you must walk down the street yawning, be aware that men passing you will mentally place their knob in your gob. Sorry, that's just the way it is. Be aware.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tink on November 09, 2005, 01:19:45 am: A man and his wife are invited to a halloween mascarade party...So the husband begins to get dressed in his costume, as he asks his wife "arent u goin with me?", the wife replys no i feel under the weather...So the husband finishes the final touches on his costume and put his mask on...As he walks out the door his wife jumps out of bed and puts on a second costume she bought to fool her man..She dresses swiftly and soon arrives at the party..Looking around she see's her husband flirting with other women..She plays it off and aproaches him....Whispering in his ear erotic sexual tendancies...After a few drinks shes offers to have sex with him...and he agrees, so as they enter an empty room she refuses to keep the lights off, in order to hide her identity...After some pationate kissing and oral sex, they proceed to have the wildest sex she had ever encountered....Hours later they both part ways...And she sneeks back home waiting to hear a much suspected lie....Minutes later the husband arrives home, she pretends to be asleep, eagerly asking him "so, how was the party".. He answers "it was boring so me and the guys played some poker all night"..."well that sounds interesting" says the wife...The husband lays down and hugs her from behind, then he says "Oh, and by the way, i ran into your father and let him borrow my costume because he spilled wine on his".........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 09, 2005, 12:03:18 pm: Message from Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6
cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding
the message upside down."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 09, 2005, 02:24:35 pm: It's an old one - but I don't remember seeing it here before...

A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the boy so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The boy said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64." The boy replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the >hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's screwed, you might as well go fishing.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on November 09, 2005, 09:03:47 pm: Quote from: Nordic on November 09, 2005, 12:03:18 pm
Message from Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6
cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding
the message upside down."

Hi Nordic

Just thinkinng this would be a great number plate

Hope you are keeping well

Martini...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on November 09, 2005, 10:19:12 pm: Gonna be a long number plate ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on November 09, 2005, 10:59:29 pm: Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on November 11, 2005, 01:05:32 am: Wife comes home from clothes shopping one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. :o

She calls him all the names under the sun, before telling him she's leaving him for good.

He says, "OK, but hang on, don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

"Explanation? !!! You've got an 'explanation!??" she yells. "This had
better be good!"

He says, "Well, I was driving home from work, when I saw this here young lady hitching a lift in dirty torn clothes, with no shoes on her feet, all muddy and crying, so I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She thanked me and I brought her home.

She took a shower, and afterwards I gave her the underwear that
I bought you but you don't wear because it doesn't fit you anymore, the blue silk blouse and those slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once. I also gave her the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I also gave her that nice suede jacket that hasn't been out of your closet in 2 years.

When she was dressed I made her a sandwhich with the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me.

Then I showed her to the door.

She was really, really grateful for all the things I'd given her, and thanked me profusely for what I'd done for her.

Then, as she was about to leave she turned and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

And I got to thinking.............. ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on November 14, 2005, 11:03:48 am: A man goes to the zoo...

But when he arrives there is only a dog...

It was a shitzu.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on November 14, 2005, 05:07:24 pm: A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
> sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
> down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
> towards the man.
>
> He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
> "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
> place.
>
> "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
> theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
> deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
> her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
>
> They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
>
> The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
>
> "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
> every guy you meet?"
>
>
> "No," she replies........."

>
>
>
> "You just happened to catch my eye."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on November 14, 2005, 05:08:31 pm: A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a
>> >severe
>> > stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
>> > "Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.
>> > Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui........"
>> > Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................"
>> > "Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve
>> > someone
>> > else.
>> >
>> > She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
>> > "Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman "Three ints of
> gui
>> > gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
>> > And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".
>> > "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet?
>> > "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll
> let
>> > you
>> > make love to me!"
>> > Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman.
>> > "Where do you live then boyo?"
>> > "C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ."
>> > "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,
>> >
>> > "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
>> > "E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
>> >
>> > "No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
>> >
>> > "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
>> > "London" blurts out the Irishman.
>> >
>> > "Oh no!" says the landlady.
>> >
>> > A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
> by
>> > the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her
>> > underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
> Finally
>> > she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with
> concentration
>> > furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at
>> > the
>> > end
>> > he suddenly screams out...........
>> >
>> > ".......D D D Derry!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SmithA on November 16, 2005, 08:19:08 am: A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"You look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days." The
little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you
are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a
little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having
unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that -
I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with
other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on November 16, 2005, 06:46:45 pm: One from this side of the pond:

Late one night as a man's wife walked into his study, he looked up and said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So his wife walked over and unplugged the cable modem....

-Lee
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on November 17, 2005, 01:22:05 am: And from Newfoundland.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL-
Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SmithA on November 17, 2005, 10:33:09 am: Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsin your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 18, 2005, 03:56:30 pm: Canada Phil was a tourist in London awhile back and decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds
himself in a very high-class area; big, stately residences, no pubs, no
shops, no restaurants and worst of all, NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a
narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is
tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you
simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies
the Canada Phil, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO and I just can't find a
public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me." He leads him to a back
"delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, SIR, anywhere you want." Phil enters
and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen; manicured
grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he
unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really
decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No, sir,"
replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy.".

NO this really wasn't Canada Phil but it sounds about like him, eh?
Sorry Gilles, nothing personal you understand.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 18, 2005, 05:05:35 pm: The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's car.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 19, 2005, 12:26:18 am: A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said,
"Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl
a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the
back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it
to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the
horse, not on top."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 19, 2005, 12:32:57 am: Johnevens3 was walking along a Texan beach deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The johneven3 said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 21, 2005, 09:37:19 pm: A bit early but ............

Things you can only say at Christmas and live!

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 22, 2005, 12:22:51 pm: A beer before it starts!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Woman, Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long ?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 22, 2005, 11:13:16 pm: Thisis a bit old but I don't recall seeing it here before. :-)

IS HELL EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHEMIC?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, '...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 23, 2005, 09:34:22 am: An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like shaggin' a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 23, 2005, 03:45:39 pm: The Government in Vietnam has banned Christmas lights this year.

A spokesman said, They would be hanging Glitter instead.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 23, 2005, 06:13:36 pm: Mandatory Office Equipment - a must

http://www.bassfiles.net/MandatoryOfficeEquipment.htm
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on November 23, 2005, 09:34:56 pm: A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that she had caused: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on November 24, 2005, 12:33:04 pm: AHHH, A happy marriage!!!!!

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week
you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore. Whatever
the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was,"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on November 24, 2005, 02:58:11 pm: A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...

Terrets - F**K OFF
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on November 24, 2005, 05:16:46 pm: Quote from: IRW on November 24, 2005, 02:58:11 pm
A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...

Terrets - F**K OFF

Was he dyslexic as well?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on November 24, 2005, 07:15:46 pm: Im sorry but this one needs explaining to me ??? ???
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 24, 2005, 11:50:52 pm: Quote from: garystout on November 24, 2005, 07:15:46 pm
Im sorry but this one needs explaining to me ??? ???

Tourettes is a condition where sufferers involountarily swear uncontrollably!

Dan..........where's Gary??
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on November 25, 2005, 10:26:11 am: Quote from: pretzel on November 24, 2005, 05:16:46 pm
Quote from: IRW on November 24, 2005, 02:58:11 pm
A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...

Terrets - F**K OFF

Was he dyslexic as well?
No, the F***king B****ard just couldnt spell!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 25, 2005, 04:52:24 pm: It is only a small error

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of
years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his
head against the wall and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the
'R'". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a
choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 02, 2005, 10:34:17 am: Why do women live longer than men?

Because they don't have wives.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on December 02, 2005, 11:08:06 am: Quote from: Doris on December 02, 2005, 10:34:17 am
Why do women live longer than men?

because women don't get hiddiously drunk at meetings, and look like this the following morning>>

(http://gnarf.nl/ForummeetingEindhovennovember2005/photos/photo89.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on December 02, 2005, 12:07:37 pm: That is one of the scariest things i have seen in a long time! :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 02, 2005, 01:11:36 pm: Quote from: Paddy_NL on December 02, 2005, 11:08:06 am
Quote from: Doris on December 02, 2005, 10:34:17 am
Why do women live longer than men?

because women don't get hiddiously drunk at meetings, and look like this the following morning>>

I beg to differ...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 02, 2005, 01:57:02 pm: European Alert Levels -

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings. The
official warning level has just been raised from "miffed" to "peeved."
Soon, though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated" or even
"a bit cross." Londoners have not been at "a bit cross" since the Blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance." The last time a
"bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire in
1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two
higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The rise
was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing." Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have
two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose."

Seeing this reaction in Continental Europe, the Americans have gone
from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East
ripe for regime change." Their remaining higher alert states are
"attack the world" and "beg the British for help."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 06, 2005, 12:06:24 am: Ten Best Things to Say if you get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big funding problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on December 06, 2005, 12:17:36 am: You've probably seen this before, but it made me smile ;D anyway.

Apolgies to anyone of the French persuasion. ;)

Four people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes pitch dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the blackness there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French bloke again."
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on December 06, 2005, 09:01:58 am: that's the reason why I prefer not to walk into campsites at night !!!!!!!!!!!!! :P ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neal on December 06, 2005, 02:26:53 pm: With apologies to our French members. Go to Google, type in French Military Victories, and hit I feel lucky ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on December 06, 2005, 02:46:37 pm: Now try HONEST GEORGE BUSH and hit I'm feeling lucky.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 07, 2005, 12:06:23 pm: A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks him "Is your date running late?"

"No" he replies "Q has given me this state-of-art watch, I was just testing it"

The intrigued woman says "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

Bond explains "It uses Alpha Waves to talk to me telepathically"

The lady says "Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers"

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers"

Bond taps his watch, smirks and says "Bloody thing, it's five minutes fast"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 08, 2005, 11:52:42 am: A scouser walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme"

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsh**ttin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on December 08, 2005, 01:17:00 pm: Sorry Steve but I think it's time to introduce the time line. ;)

(http://www.jonrb.com/pix/timeline.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 08, 2005, 04:18:31 pm: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends." Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say Father, please." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Brydie Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I will not! name her." "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?" "My lips are sealed, Father." "Was it Fiona McDonald then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 09, 2005, 03:42:56 pm: When a woman wears leather

clothing, ........

a man's heart beats

quicker, his throat gets dry,

he goes weak

in the knees

and he begins

to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?
*
*

*

*

*
Because she smells like a new truck.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 09, 2005, 03:56:24 pm: An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening

with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the

Bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"
he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 12, 2005, 10:35:21 am: Chav nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on December 13, 2005, 12:56:26 pm: One for the Liverpool Boys!

A Scouse Christmas Carol (To the tune of Mistletoe and Wine)

Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars on fire - and trainees under tree
Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally,

It's a time for stealing, a time for receiving,
Knock-off gear - worra great feelin
Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free,
Just like our lecky, - gas and TV

Christmas time, pissups all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear
It's great getting pissed - on someone else's beer

Its a time for drinkin - six packs of Stella
Dat yer got - from some dodgy Fella
Christmas is sound - Christmas is best
God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS

Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff
This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough

So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city
You may just know why - the streets look so sh!tty
So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals
But don't drive too slow - or they'll pinch all four wheels
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on December 14, 2005, 11:27:19 am: Police today admitted that George Best was not buried in Belfast last week and, in retrospect, the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday was a mistake.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 14, 2005, 03:20:18 pm: Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes out !!!

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men exhibit.... who
are married to Blondes Norman says..................

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tink on December 14, 2005, 04:10:54 pm: george best was on his death bed, when the doctor came in and said 'i've got some good news and some bad news. what do you want to hear first?'

so george replies 'may as well give me the bad news first'

the doctor regretably informs him 'you only have an hour to live'

distraught, george asks what the good news could possibly be. the doctor tells him 'its happy hour'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 15, 2005, 10:27:47 am: A 60-year old man, a 70-year old man and an 80-year old man were talking about their age related woes.

"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the sixty year old, "Yoy always feel like you have to pee but you stand there and nothing comes out"

"Ah, thats nothing" said the seventy year old "When you're seventy you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet for hours and nothing comes out"

"Actually" said the eighty year old "Eighty is the worst age of all"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" said the 60 year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00, I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all"

"So, do have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No I have one every morning at 6:30"

Exasperated the 60 year old said "You pee every morning at 6:00 and you take a crap at 6:30, so whats so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 18, 2005, 10:51:23 am: When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 18, 2005, 10:53:15 am: Animals : Smart dogs

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 20, 2005, 05:07:20 pm: Jack wakes up at home with a hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the Morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies,
"Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time .........Priceless!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 20, 2005, 08:11:59 pm: Have we had this one before ?

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."
Title: Happy Christmas
Post by: neilsie on December 21, 2005, 11:18:31 am: http://tinyurl.com/3g2d
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 23, 2005, 05:11:17 pm: Separate Bedrooms

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has its advantages...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 28, 2005, 12:22:24 pm: Been doing some 'spring cleaning' and found this in a pile of papers. Hope it's not been on already...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days.
Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah." said God. "That's Britain. The most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w***ers I'm putting next to them in France."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 28, 2005, 04:19:12 pm: Nymphomaniacs of America

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he Glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man blurted out, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 29, 2005, 11:44:23 am: Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position.

He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here?

Oh yes, Multilple orgasms...."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 05, 2006, 01:58:42 pm: 1981--2005

YEAR 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

YEAR 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 06, 2006, 05:48:20 pm: (http://www.cobraclub.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=4595&d=1136549052)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 09, 2006, 01:36:41 pm: The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on January 09, 2006, 08:44:33 pm: If Charles Kennedys car broke down would he phone the AA? ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 10, 2006, 09:56:06 pm: A Texan is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star (beer), wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 13, 2006, 10:08:39 am: Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"!
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting

behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.
A little later, the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savoir?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the
butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
Again, the Nun said, "Very good!"
Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun then asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?"
And once again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 13, 2006, 12:19:42 pm: WORST QUIZ ANSWERS EVER!!!!

>>Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
>>Contestant: Jool carriageway.
>>
>>Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
>>Contestant: Bombay.
>>
>>Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
>>Contestant: Crocodiles.
>>Robinson: Wh...?
>>Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
>>
>>Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
>>entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
>>Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
>>
>>Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written
>>by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
>>Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
>>
>>NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
>>
>>Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
>>initials G.B.S.?
>>Contestant: William Shakespeare.
>>
>>CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
>>
>>Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
>>Caller: Japan.
>>Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
>>that, I can let you try again.
>>Caller: Er... Mexico?
>>
>>FAMILY FORTUNES
>>
>>1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
>>2) A song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
>>3) Name the capital of France? F
>>4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
>>5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
>>6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
>>7) What is Hitler's first name? Heil
>>8) A famous Scotsman? Jock
>>9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
>>10) A dangerous race? The Arabs
>>11) Something that floats in a bath? Water
>>12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
>>13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
>>14) A famous Royal? Mail
>>15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
>>wings
>>16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
>>17) Something a cat does? Goes to the toilet
>>18) Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
>>19) A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
>>20) Something associated with pigs? The Police
>>21) A sign of the Zodiac? April
>>22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
>>23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
>>24) Something you put on walls? A roof
>>25) Something slippery? A conman
>>26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
>>27) A jacket potato topping? Jam
>>28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato
>>29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
>>30) Something red? My sweater
>>
>>RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
>>
>>Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
>>Contestant: Barcelona.
>>Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
>>Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in

Spain.

>>
>>STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
>>
>>Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
>>Contestant: India.
>>
>>Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
>>Contestant: Espresso.
>>
>>Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
>>Contestant: Sydney.
>>
>>THIS MORNING
>>
>>Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True

>>or false?
>>Contestant: True?
>>Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
>>show, so I'll give you that.
>>
>>BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
>>
>>Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel

last?

>>Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>>
>>BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
>>
>>Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
>>Contestant: Four.
>>
>>BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
>>
>>Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
>>Contestant: Er...
>>Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
>>Contestant: Blimey?
>>Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
>>Contestant: (Silence)
>>Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
>>Contestant: Walked?
>>
>>DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
>>
>>Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
>>Contestant: Holland?
>>Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
>>Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
>>Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
>>Contestant: No.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 13, 2006, 10:06:32 pm: Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and then said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar got the job and now works at a call centre for a major British bank!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 13, 2006, 11:31:04 pm: 15 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

3. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

4. Don't use any punctuation.

5. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

6. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

7. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

8. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day at work.

9. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

11. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

12. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

13. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

14. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

15. Sing along at the opera.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 16, 2006, 11:11:34 am: Barrymore gets new TV show
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:08:47 pm: Big Brother has told Michael Barrymore that he must use the ashtrays in the house like everyone else and mustn't throw his used fags in the pool!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:10:18 pm: The Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:11:00 pm: A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on January 16, 2006, 12:15:03 pm: Quote from: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:08:47 pm
Big Brother has told Michael Barrymore that he must use the ashtrays in the house like everyone else and mustn't throw his used fags in the pool!

His Mother actually has a boarding house in Blackpool. The advert reads, 'Come down to Blackpool and get the son on your back'

And on that note, another new item, Elton John is getting divorced after only a few weeks of marriage. Apparently his partner has been having sex behind his back.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 16, 2006, 12:32:57 pm: Paddy is doing well on "Who wants to be a millionaire"
He has already won £500,000, Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for £1000,000, "Who was the great train robber?"

"Was it A- Ronnie Barker
B- Ronnie Osullivan
C- Ronnie Corbet or was it
D- Ronnie Biggs ?"

Paddy says "Oi'll take der money Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his three lifelines left.
Paddy again says "Nope oi'll take der money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" asks Chris.
"No t'anks oi'll take der money. foinal answer"
"OK" says Chris lokking bemused "Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000, however, before you go I'm sure you will want to know what the answer was Paddy"

Paddy says "No yer alroight , oi knew der answer anyway t'anks Chris"
"You knew it anyway, are you mad ?" asks Chris, "Are you mental ?"
Paddy says "Oi moight be mental Chris....... But oi'm no feckin grass"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on January 17, 2006, 03:23:07 pm: Honda v's Women

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
for judgement at the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God. I have a question for Him. St. Peter took Mr Honda to
the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't
you the inventor of women?", God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well,"
said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your design;

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
6- and I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs".

Hmmmm, you do raise some good points "replied God, "Let's have a wee
look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things
and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be
true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 17, 2006, 04:00:48 pm: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews
had to convert, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry
from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise,
Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However,
Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
so they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised
his hand. He showed 3 fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised 1 finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten.
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had
happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent
the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there is still but one God common to both
our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that
God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us
of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the
original sin. He had me beaten, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around
Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?", they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First, he tells me that we
had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared
of Jews, and I said to him, 'We're staying right here'."

"Then, what happened?", asked a woman.

"Who knows?", said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so
I took out mine."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 17, 2006, 09:01:43 pm: How to recognize a millionaire

http://www.geocities.com/dali_sherpas/millionairre.jpg
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 18, 2006, 12:24:55 am: Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

......... . . . . . . . . . .. . . .

..... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 18, 2006, 11:31:14 pm: Look at the tits on this ..... :o

http://www.bollox.net/img.php?id=226
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on January 19, 2006, 12:48:51 pm: First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 19, 2006, 01:07:24 pm: Why is it called PMS?

Somebody had already used Mad Cow Disease!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 19, 2006, 01:37:04 pm: This is true ..... and ironic?

The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is also known as BAAPS.
One of their most popular surgical procedures is breast enlargement.

http://www.baaps.org.uk/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on January 19, 2006, 02:35:59 pm: Say's it all!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 20, 2006, 09:39:09 am: This one came from Pidge but he doesn't post them up here much any more:

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington, D.C. as part of his campaign to win back American voters. Bush's press secretary made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's response to the hurricane and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $1,000,000 if, during your sermon, you'd say President Bush is a saint."

The Bishop was initially reluctant but thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously showed up on the next Sunday looking especially smug,
and as the service progressed the Bishop began his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.

But compared to Dick Cheney and some members of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 20, 2006, 11:45:45 am: What it means to be British....... One of the national daily papers is asking for comments about "What it means to be British"

Here is a comment from a guy in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.

"Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgium beer, then traveling home, gabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese TV."

And the most British thing of all? ......... Suspicion of anything foreign.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 20, 2006, 04:25:44 pm: I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am the victim of the latest scam at the Ilford Exchange shopping centre car Park.

This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking woman come to your car as you are leaving the centre while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts by wiping your windscreen with a rag while the other comes to your window saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and beg you for a ride to Romford. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 20, 2006, 04:29:58 pm: Las month, a world-wide study was conducted by The United Nations. The only question was........... "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortages in the world"
The survey was a huge failure because.........

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In The Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world meant"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 23, 2006, 01:51:58 pm: Man goes to see the Doctor

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir"

"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 23, 2006, 04:44:55 pm: A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bellingerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 24, 2006, 03:29:11 pm: Since the racing season is about to start up, I know there is alot of studying going on.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on January 24, 2006, 04:24:25 pm: Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as
he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing
a long flowing white robe. "Who the hel_l are you?" Demanded Brian,
"and
what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can
only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing
there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a
hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are
you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid
an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first
time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and
he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: sceetum on January 24, 2006, 10:19:06 pm: What do you call a chav on a bike?
A thief!!

What do you call a chav on the back seat of a car?
Arrested!!

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 25, 2006, 04:12:23 pm: A man walks into the street and manages to get a passing taxi, and the cabby says "Perfect timing, just like Frank"

Passenger "Who?"

Cabbie "Frank Fieldman, there's a guy who did everything right, like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time"

Passenger "They're always a few clouds over everybody"

"Not Frank, he was a terrific athlete. He would have won the Grand Slam at tennis, he could play golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano"

"Sounds like he was something really special"

"There's more............ He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which food to order and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything, not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out"

"Wow, some bloke then"

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid the jams, not like me I always seem to get stuck in them"

"There's not many like him around"

"And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothes were always imacullate, shoes polished too"

"An amazing fellow, how did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met Frank"

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his f**k*ng widow"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 26, 2006, 05:45:34 pm: How good are you???

The object is to move the red block around without getting hit by the
blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 22 seconds you are phenomenal. I was told that
the US Air Force uses this for

fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. It's good for us wannabe race car drivers as well.

http://tinyurl.com/56t9u
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 26, 2006, 06:00:02 pm: 1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.

7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding night?
His last name.

8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

9. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

11. What's the similarity between a hurricane and a redneck divorce?
Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on January 26, 2006, 06:17:00 pm: Wahaay!! -
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on January 27, 2006, 11:13:53 am: Quote from: johnevans3 on January 26, 2006, 06:00:02 pm

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

I heard this as:-

Why is a hurricane like a marriage?
First there is a lot of blowing and sucking, then this b***h takes your car house and all you other belongings!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 27, 2006, 11:18:35 am: This can only be for the joke thread
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 27, 2006, 11:21:58 am: Fairy Tale
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 27, 2006, 11:48:59 am: A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman sat in a bar.
They are having a nice time and all agree that it is a great place.

Then the Scotsman says "Aye, This is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Culbrokie, theres a better one. In the Culbrokie Inn, ye buy a drink, ye by another one and then the proprieter himself will buy yir the third one"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

The Italian says "Yeah, datsa nice a bar, but where I come from dersa better one. In Roma, dersa dis place, Vinchezos you buy a drink, Vinchezo buys you a drink, you buy another den Vinchezo buys you another"

They all agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Irishman says "You tink dats a good place? where oi come from in dublin ders dis place called Moypheys. At Moypheys dey buy yer the foist drink, dey buy yer the second drink, dey buy yer the tird drink and then dey take yer into de back room and get yer laid.

"Wow" said the other two "Thats fantastic did that actually happen to you ?"

"No" said the Irish guy "But it happeneed to my sister"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: knetter on January 27, 2006, 04:28:57 pm: Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italien border. The Italian customs agent stops them and tels them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro"

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?"asks the German driver

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italien official

"Quattro ist just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car ist desgnt to kerry 5 persons"

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!"replies the Italien customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you ara therefora breaking the law"

The German driver replies angrily, "You ztupid idiot!, Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry, responds the Italina official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guysa in a Fiat Uno"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on January 27, 2006, 05:39:06 pm: International Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless at the footy and your pies are getting wet. Then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

· When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

· The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

· After wrecking your boss' car.

· One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

· When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem. You didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

· Yeah, Baby, Push it!

· C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

· Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 27, 2006, 06:12:10 pm: Quote from: Doris on January 27, 2006, 05:39:06 pm
International Rules of Manliness

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Or in a field in Le Mans in June if you bid high enough for charity on eBay. Not sure if you'd wnat it served topless though :-\ ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on January 27, 2006, 06:17:09 pm: If it's served by the mixer, you can skip the topless part indeed...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 29, 2006, 09:10:01 pm: Two blonde girls were working for the local council. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably does looks odd. We're normally a three-person team."

"But today the girl who plants the trees is off sick."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JHarber on January 29, 2006, 09:51:21 pm: About my best :D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 30, 2006, 01:13:39 pm: Might have seen this on here befor but it's still funy!!!!!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/need-glasses-p1.php
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 30, 2006, 01:23:29 pm: Half way to fighter pilot school!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 30, 2006, 09:46:41 pm: Good job Mark, looks like you may have the record so far. I would bet that Linda could take you though!! ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 31, 2006, 01:31:29 am: Not funny, but it was found on a lead from jpchenet above.

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/lemans-p1.php

Its not a Merc is it?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 31, 2006, 01:50:27 am: For all people who can not do what their told,

DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON !

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/red-button-p1.php
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on February 01, 2006, 01:09:32 pm: THE BALLOON

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something" He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhoea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!! :D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 01, 2006, 01:41:10 pm: A guy is driving through Tennessee when he sees a sign in front of a house,

"TALKING DOG FOR SALE"

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retreiver sittting there.

"You talk?" he says.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

"So whats your story"

The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered I could talk at a young age. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no-one would think that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running, but the jetting around tired me out so I decided to settle down.
I signed up at the airport to do some undercover security wandering close to suspicious charectures listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarde a batch of medals. I got married, had a couple of litters of puppies and now I've just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that sh**t"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 01, 2006, 05:56:28 pm: At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of the first day.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, called out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next. "In Germany, ve invented das beer, verdamt. Giff
me ein Becks - ja das ist der real Konig of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, took his turn. "Barman, would ya give me a
Diet Coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Paddy?"

Paddy's response? ... "Well if you feckin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JHarber on February 01, 2006, 09:26:41 pm: Its getting boring now but wanted to beat jpchenet ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 01, 2006, 10:18:45 pm: A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch

office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close

to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls

the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts

screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined.

No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finishes his ranting, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.

"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn

off when the truck hit you."

The Londoner looks down in horror ."BLOODY HELL !" he screams,

"Where's my Rolex??"
;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 02, 2006, 10:20:54 am: Fowler back at Anfield

Exclusive first picture
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on February 02, 2006, 11:06:38 am: Why men snore.....

(http://people.zeelandnet.nl/loste/why_men_snore.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on February 02, 2006, 11:41:17 am: In the hospital where their family member lay gravely ill relatives gathered in the waiting room.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure. Very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.

The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 03, 2006, 02:30:19 pm: Study -
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 06, 2006, 05:55:53 pm: A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 06, 2006, 06:13:41 pm: Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 06, 2006, 06:18:03 pm: After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bed-side cabinet.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother, then?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands

"Thats me before the operation!".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 07, 2006, 12:33:38 pm: At last, the offside rule explained for girls.

You're in a shoe shop, second in line for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has also seen them and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilema.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch, she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip round the other shopper, catch the purse and pay for the shoes.

However, until the purse has "actually been thrown" you are not allowed to move in front of the other shopper - (other wise you would be offside)

Easy.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on February 08, 2006, 12:45:49 pm: New phrase for 2006

> Phrase: Sol Campbell
>
> Context of Use: Bars/Pubs
>
> Example Usage: Are you going for a "Sol Campbell" tonight..??
>
> Definition: 'A quick half, then off home' (before getting Hammered)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 09, 2006, 11:03:20 am: Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes

this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports

personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation

with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never

shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

.............................................................................................................................................................

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart

disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long

and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

.............................................................................................................................................................

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

.............................................................................................................................................................

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around

2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust

the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent

by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

.............................................................................................................................................................

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD

pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from

legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop

breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

.............................................................................................................................................................

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader,

I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

.............................................................................................................................................................

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well

as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as

slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

.............................................................................................................................................................

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the

final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct

answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson

with?' to which I confidently replied 'c**t'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect,

but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately.

Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

.............................................................................................................................................................

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this? Alun Daniel

.............................................................................................................................................................

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping

his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own

drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

.............................................................................................................................................................

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it

they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived

between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday

between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I

would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my

house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The

shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 09, 2006, 01:21:11 pm: Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't
read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
West Virginia family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to
change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
last week... the first time for three days and the
second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send... your Uncle
Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the
mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are
an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them
off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned
for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a
pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down
the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing
much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Mom
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 14, 2006, 12:44:48 pm: A drunk man sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis! ?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on February 14, 2006, 02:44:29 pm: :: POLITICAL HUMOR WARNING ::

So did you hear about Dick Cheney shooting that guy with the shotgun over the weekend?

Turns out he tortured they guy for 30 minutes first, then shot him!

-Lee

:D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on February 14, 2006, 06:50:56 pm: I once heard a very short English joke which took me a while to get:
A seal walks into a club...
That's it?
Yep, that's it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 15, 2006, 11:07:41 am: A teacher asks her class if they could use a sentance using the word "contagious". Roland, the class swot, gets up and says,

"Last year I had the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".

"Well done Roland" says the teacher "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,

"My Grandma says there is a bug going round and it is very contagious"

"Well done Katie" says the teacher "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent
"Our neighbour is paintin his house wid a two inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on February 15, 2006, 01:01:08 pm: A late Valentine present. Hopfully Smokie might allow this link to stay :)

http://www.ezgreatforyou.com/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on February 15, 2006, 02:28:52 pm: Quote from: Lee Self on February 14, 2006, 02:44:29 pm
:: POLITICAL HUMOR WARNING ::

So did you hear about Dick Cheney shooting that guy with the shotgun over the weekend?

Turns out he tortured they guy for 30 minutes first, then shot him!

-Lee

:D

I heard the american public are urging Bush to join Cheney this weekend!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on February 15, 2006, 02:43:14 pm: I'd heard that Cheney was out shooting Quayle
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 15, 2006, 03:33:47 pm: A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to England.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. England man for letting me in this country! "

But the passer-by says "You are most surely mistaken, I am Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!"

The person says "I no English. I from Hong Kong"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an English citizen?"

She says, "No, I from Bosnia!".

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?"

The Bosnian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 16, 2006, 03:54:13 pm: Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all his apostles and disciples to a meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

It was therefore decided that a commision made up of some of the members return to Earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret opperation was succesful and 2 days later the chosen disciples started to return to heaven.

Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock.

"Who is it "?

"It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul"?

"Hashish from Morocco"

"Very well son, come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark"?

"Marijuana from Columbia"

"Very well son come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mattew"?

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John"?

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it "?

"It's Luke"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Luke"?

"Speed from Amsterdam"

"Very well son come in"

another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door

"What did you bring Judas"?

"FBI MOTHER f**ckERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 17, 2006, 09:29:13 am: Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is a lot prettier," she replies.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on February 17, 2006, 11:34:57 am: A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy while they're lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:31:53 am: What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."

t
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:35:27 am: A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about Her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:44:50 am: A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going,

he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:45:38 am: Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on February 18, 2006, 02:45:23 am: Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says...

'Any idea how you drive this thing?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 22, 2006, 11:39:29 am: First case of Bird Flu in Britain
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 28, 2006, 01:54:31 am: An elderly couple were attending church. About half way through she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 06, 2006, 05:58:02 pm: Be warned of a new scam going on in Tesco's car park. When packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by two fit 21-year-old girls wearing tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their tits half hanging out and ask for a lift to the next town as payment. Along the way they strip and go down on each other and one then climbs into the front and sucks you off. The other one rather craftily nicks your wallet whilst you are distracted. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again yesterday. And it's being stolen again tomorrow.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on March 06, 2006, 08:08:29 pm: Quote from: A Zarse esq on March 06, 2006, 05:58:02 pm
Be warned of a new scam going on in Tesco's car park. When packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by two fit 21-year-old girls wearing tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their tits half hanging out and ask for a lift to the next town as payment. Along the way they strip and go down on each other and one then climbs into the front and sucks you off. The other one rather craftily nicks your wallet whilst you are distracted. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again yesterday. And it's being stolen again tomorrow.

Alert Smokie, people are copying your jokes :o :o :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 06, 2006, 10:42:24 pm: A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on March 06, 2006, 10:55:51 pm: So the the son was playing with a loaded weapon with one in the chamber

Sorry

Gary
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on March 07, 2006, 01:10:49 am: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5721216010568488162&q=backstreet&pr=goog-sl

Its funny
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on March 07, 2006, 09:53:10 am: A bear a lion and a chicken are talking about who's the hardest.

The bear says " when l roar the whole forset shakes"

The lion says "when l roar the whole jungle Shakes"

The chicken says "all l have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 08, 2006, 10:33:50 am: These are five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time and cleans up at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 09, 2006, 04:00:57 pm: Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure
enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We
have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on March 09, 2006, 07:25:41 pm: A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,

"You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in
the Holy Land for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to
ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend only £150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 10, 2006, 01:23:08 am: Was this Smokie trying to leave Le Mans in 2001 before the end of the race??? ()may have been seen beofre but it's still funny!!)

http://www.giantketchup.com/content/view/124/67/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on March 10, 2006, 12:11:53 pm: Specifically for all those going somewhere next weekend (Don't mention the 'S' word [no, I'm not going either])....

Subject: Date Rape Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties, local pubs and sports car endurance races to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on March 10, 2006, 12:50:03 pm: REMINDS ME OF:-

NEVER BEEN TO BED WITH AN UGLY WOMEN, BUT SURE AS HELL, WOKEN UP WITH A FEW;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2006, 04:04:08 pm: There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the
marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
-
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or
were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
-
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she
planned to use.
Her answer was, the rhythm method.
That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
-
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on
using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as
long as you don't forget to take them.
-
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again
told her that should also work.
-
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.
-
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
-
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what
went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
-
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the
birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
-
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were
going to use the pail and saucer method.
Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer
method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
-
She replied,
"Well we make love standing up,
and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail
turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers,
I kick the pail out from under him!!!
__________________________________________________
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2006, 05:00:13 pm: 6 kinds of sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This occurs during the honeymoon
period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, in the kitchen on the
table, etc.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which
you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is called
oral sex by some.

There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This happens
when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
the courtroom.

The sixth kind of sex is Social Security Sex -- that's when you get a
little once a month but it's not enough to live on.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on March 15, 2006, 11:55:32 am: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

The taste :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 15, 2006, 03:22:46 pm: Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 16, 2006, 09:12:42 am: For all us nutters out there!!!

www.infocite.info/mark/MentalHealthHotline1.mp3
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on March 16, 2006, 09:40:30 am: For all fans of Ken

http://www.madblighty.co.uk/movies/london_underground.swf

Sorry if it offends :-[
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on March 16, 2006, 11:16:30 am: How true!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 16, 2006, 11:27:43 am: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: iomac on March 16, 2006, 01:36:01 pm: A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on March 24, 2006, 10:21:10 am: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a maths formula that might help you answer these questions

If A=1, B=2, C=3 ... and so on up to Z=26 Then...

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you....

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118%

So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while hardwork and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and the ass kissing that will put you over the top!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 03:58:29 pm: Retiring In Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 04:07:35 pm: Here is another with American humor.

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 04:41:21 pm: Rav 4 commercial

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/happy-together.php
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 24, 2006, 06:39:23 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 04:41:21 pm
Rav 4 commercial

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/happy-together.php
Boys and their Tonka Toys!
This one quite funny, from the same site
http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/crashes/nicedriving.php
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 25, 2006, 02:02:18 pm: Apologies if you've seen them before

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/speeding.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/heartbroken.asf

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/scottishdrinkdrive.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/loadingabike.mpg
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 25, 2006, 05:21:37 pm: Quote from: Stu on March 25, 2006, 02:02:18 pm
Apologies if you've seen them before

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/speeding.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/heartbroken.asf

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/scottishdrinkdrive.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/loadingabike.mpg

I can only get the third one to work?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on March 25, 2006, 06:29:15 pm: I could get three and four, but not the first two.

Del
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 25, 2006, 06:39:40 pm: Quote from: DelBoy on March 25, 2006, 06:29:15 pm
I could get three and four, but not the first two.

Del

Ooops,

Sorry lads, should be fixed now.

Stu
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 27, 2006, 12:29:18 am: This is true.
A lad I know works at Asda and last week he had a woman in asking for Hen Sip which is a cure for Bird flu. Apparently her friend had told her about it so he pointed her to the cooked chickens department.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 12:37:40 am: I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on March 27, 2006, 01:13:00 am: Quote from: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 12:37:40 am
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 06:02:18 pm: Quote from: Lorry on March 27, 2006, 01:13:00 am
Quote from: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 12:37:40 am
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity ;D ;D

BTW who is
SARAH
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on March 27, 2006, 06:56:37 pm: Quote from: Lorry on March 27, 2006, 01:13:00 am
[I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

During the Mad Cow scare. I over heard two cows talking about it. the conversation went something like.

Cow 1: This Mad Cow illness is a bit scary.
Cow 2: Yes it is.
Cow 1: Are you worried about it?
Cow 2: No not at all.
Cow 1: Not at all? How come?
Cow 2: Well it not going to affect me is it!!
Cow 1: How on earth do you come to that concusion?
Cow 2: I'm a Helicopter.

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on March 27, 2006, 07:59:12 pm: Quote from: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 06:02:18 pm
Quote from: Lorry on March 27, 2006, 01:13:00 am
Quote from: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 12:37:40 am
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity ;D ;D

BTW who is
SARAH

Isn't that something to do with A RASH, perhaps that is where it all starts.

Martini...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on March 27, 2006, 08:39:04 pm: A True Story

I was visiting PC World following the meltdown of our ancient computer, researching what was available.
I asked one of the oiks working there what was the difference between ordinary dvd rw's and dual layer dvd rw's.
He pointed to a CPU with 2 disc drives and said ' thats a dual layer dvd, one dvd drive sits above the other'.

Motto of this story is that you probably know more about computers, even if you are a little computer illiterate like me, than most of the staff at PC World.

Did I buy? Like hell, I went back to the company that has supplied our previous two machines.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 27, 2006, 09:08:47 pm: Quote from: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 06:02:18 pm
Quote from: Lorry on March 27, 2006, 01:13:00 am
Quote from: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 12:37:40 am
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity ;D ;D

BTW who is
SARAH

Is that a virtual version of writing a girls name on your pencil case at junior school ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on March 27, 2006, 11:21:08 pm: Quote from: Barry on March 27, 2006, 08:39:04 pm

He pointed to a CPU with 2 disc drives and said ' thats a dual layer dvd, one dvd drive sits above the other'.

I have a similar experiance a few years ago in Curry's.

Looking at TVs and the salesman told me all of the sets were "Modulated"!
I thought thats a bit strange I dnot know much about how TVs work but I knew enough to know that the Signal is Modulated in some way. (Like FM = Freqyency Modulation and AM = Amplitude Modulation). So I quizzed him about what it ment. He explained that the set were made of modules that could easily and quickly be replaced.

Oh you mean "MODULAR"! Needless to say I left ppretty quickly without making a purchase.

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 01, 2006, 10:11:32 pm: THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife--she has gained 30 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends--unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner; prim before mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast: filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 Private chopper to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 Private jet home (massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy
Ireland)
6:45 sh*t, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm
animal video released and authenticated)
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip
Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart--dog leaves room
11:55 Sleep
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 01, 2006, 10:38:53 pm: Careful there :o :o :o

http://www.crainium.net/jdjArchives/2005/10/choose_your_und.html#more
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 05, 2006, 08:24:29 pm: It's time to revive this....

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
Not very long, answered the Mexican.
But then why didn't you stay out longer and carch more fish? asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go to the villiage to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs....I have a full life.
The American interrupted, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra money, you can buy a bigger boat.
And after that? asked the Mexican.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little villiage and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your hugh new enterprise.
How long would that take? asked the Mexican
Twenty or twenty five years, replied the American.
And after that?
Afterwards? Well my friend, That's when it really gets interesting, answered the American. When your business really gets big, you can start selling stocks and make millions.
Millions? Really, and after that? said the Mexican.
After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny villiage near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends said the American.

The moral of the story is: Know where you are going in life....you may already be there.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 06, 2006, 05:37:48 pm: An early happy Easter
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 07, 2006, 03:01:07 pm: After seeing JP's picture post of the fisherman, I thought we needed a break. Click on the picture to play the song.

http://www.brakar.com/20/wife-meets-girlfriend.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on April 07, 2006, 03:05:01 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on April 07, 2006, 03:01:07 pm
After seeing JP's picture post of the fisherman, I thought we needed a break. Click on the picture to play the song.

http://www.brakar.com/20/wife-meets-girlfriend.html

Duff link there, John.

Del
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 07, 2006, 03:23:49 pm: Hey Delboy, please translate "duff". It's not in my dictionary. Thanks.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 07, 2006, 03:36:07 pm: "DUFF" means dud or dosnt work properly
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 07, 2006, 04:12:28 pm: Not to Homer Simpson it dosn't. It means BEEEEERRR :P
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 11, 2006, 08:47:00 pm: Top Seventeen Country & Western Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Muzorewa on April 12, 2006, 08:30:40 am: You forgot these gems:

Of course I want you for your body, I've got a mind of my own

Life's like a bed of roses, full of pricks

You don't know what a man is 'till you've had to shoot one

I called my Grand-daddy Grandpa, but I should have called him Dad

I became a schizophrenic so I could love you twice as much

Don't tell me you're single, I've slept with your wife

And the best of all:

Is my ring too tight for your finger?

::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Muzorewa on April 12, 2006, 08:31:53 pm: And the classic:

Someone fetch a hammer, there's a fly on Grandma's head.

;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 14, 2006, 09:53:07 pm: I could not think where to put this,and did not want to start a new S***** thread.I would like to test our Turn 10 guests memory.

I would like each person write in one line of our favorite Turn 10 poem.

Lee Self you are not included[we know you know that we know that you know the answer]

here we go!

Roses are red!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 15, 2006, 12:56:08 am: Err...violets are blue?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 15, 2006, 01:22:29 am: Very good.Whats next?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on April 15, 2006, 02:14:13 am: I know it's something with peanut butter, but I forgot. Don't say it yet...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: MiCarr on April 15, 2006, 01:30:31 pm: I like peanut butter ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 17, 2006, 03:09:21 am: Alright Lee it looks like its up to you to complete the poem.

From the top.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 20, 2006, 04:30:15 pm: David Beckham decides to go horse riding.

Although he has no previous experiance he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help her husband as David, by this time had slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has his arms around the horses neck.

David decides that his only chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along his head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconciousness

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help.

Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on April 20, 2006, 05:39:52 pm: Quote from: amazing 1 on April 17, 2006, 03:09:21 am
Alright Lee it looks like its up to you to complete the poem.

From the top.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I like peanut butter
Lets F*ck

;D -Lee
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 21, 2006, 01:56:37 pm: If there's one thing I'm good at it's flogging dead horses ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 21, 2006, 02:24:29 pm: Back on the jokes topic....

This guy asks his friend, "If you knew that in five minutes the world is going to explode, what would be the first thing you would do?"
The Second guy says, "I would screw the first thing that moved... and what would you do?"
The first guy says, "I would stand very still for five minutes".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 21, 2006, 05:11:20 pm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgyu6eAp8zc&eurl=
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 22, 2006, 12:08:29 am: Local newspaper headline up here a while ago

Aberdeen prostitute jailed for selling crack
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:53:26 pm: :-\
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:55:03 pm: :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:56:29 pm: -
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:57:26 pm: :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: MiCarr on April 26, 2006, 10:49:20 pm: ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 27, 2006, 02:21:09 am: MiCarr you are indeed a sick sick man. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 05, 2006, 10:23:52 am: What have MFI and John Prescott got in common?

A couple of loose screws and the cabinet falls apart. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 09, 2006, 04:56:28 pm: The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day: Your father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters. And all while you were having such great >time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: bird on May 09, 2006, 05:13:25 pm: (stolen, and probably badly remembered, from private eye)

Ode To Silvio Berlusconi

So,
Farewell Sig. Berlusconi
So,
Farewell Sig. Berlusconi
So,
Farewell Sig, Berlusconi

It seems like
it's taking a while
for the news
to sink in.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 09, 2006, 08:21:40 pm: A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for break- fast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
Also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on May 09, 2006, 08:27:17 pm: What's the difference between the Highbury squirrel and Tottenham Hotspur?
The squirrel has champions league experience.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 09, 2006, 10:06:45 pm: I just love Happy meals, both of them....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 09, 2006, 10:52:00 pm: Quote from: Rhino on May 09, 2006, 08:27:17 pm
What's the difference between the Highbury squirrel and Tottenham Hotspur?
The squirrel has champions league experience.

>:(
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 16, 2006, 08:49:50 pm: THE DIET
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
he next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted
to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a
shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he
can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the
fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt
this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're
mine!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 16, 2006, 08:59:05 pm: ....and another one.

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang. Upon entering the examination
room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all Your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,
the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw
reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I
ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is
when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tkm271 on May 17, 2006, 03:33:16 pm: I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on May 18, 2006, 01:12:53 pm: Great news.

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on May 18, 2006, 01:15:31 pm: ;D - oops... I mean, ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 19, 2006, 12:30:59 pm: Old version of the joke -

Q. What's got three legs and lives in a castle?
A. The McCartneys.

New version of the joke -

Q. What's got one leg and lives in a castle which once belonged to an ex-Beatle?... ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 19, 2006, 12:46:08 pm: A bricklayer's accident report

This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This apparently is a true story.

Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me, this explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on May 19, 2006, 01:18:35 pm: A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg.

He says to a mate, "I'm f*cked. Who will want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says, "Try Paul McCartney."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 19, 2006, 06:58:54 pm: Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting on the bed"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 19, 2006, 07:04:04 pm: LMAO at the above four...i LOVE this thread...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on May 19, 2006, 08:47:27 pm: Agreed,my mates at work enjoyed them as well. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 22, 2006, 10:49:36 am: Morning all, thought I would kick off my first post with......:

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
>
> In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
>
> Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
>
> The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
>
> Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
>
> In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
>
> "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin."
>
> Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?".
>
> He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*** me, is it midnight already?"

By for now

Jules G :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 24, 2006, 07:06:31 pm: (https://www.exacttarget.com/members/images/1639428318051.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on May 24, 2006, 07:38:26 pm: A guy died and went to hell. After a few months of over 100 degree temperatures, he got really sick of it and asked the devil if there was any way he could leave.
The devil said the only way he could get out would be to f**k the ugliest woman in the place. He was so fed up that he thought, so what, anything to escape.
So along came the most hideous old crone he had ever seen. She had never had a bath, weighed 30 stone and had 8" long fingernails.
Mid shag, while trying to take his mind off the worst time of his life, he glanced across and saw Jeremy Clarkson, screwing one of the most stunning women he had ever seen in his life.
When the deed was done, while recovering from the worst experience he could remember, he said to the devil, as he got in the lift to go upwards, "How come I had to screw that old boiler when Jeremy Clarkson got a supermodel?"
The devil replied, "Some of the women want to get out as well."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on May 24, 2006, 09:31:19 pm: Paul McCartney has offered Lady M-M £50m as a divorce settlement...she wants £200m and is digging her heel in!

Whatever the outcome tho', you have to say when she married him she fell on her foot!

(First post..............I'll get me coat)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on May 24, 2006, 10:37:24 pm: Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with her long dead price, she now sits happily in her rocking chair, with only her faithful old cat Bob for company. One sunny morning, her Fairy Godmother appears out of nowhere. "Fairly Godmother," says Cinderella, "where have you come from after all these years?"
Fairy Godmother replies, "You have led an exemplary life, is there still anything your heart yearns for?"
Cinderella was overwhelmed and after thinking for sometime, came up with her first wish. "The prince was a wonderful man but hopeless with money. I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "Oh thank you fairy godmother."
"That's the least I could do. You have two more wishes. What would you like for your second?"
"I'd like to be as young and beautiful as I once was."
At once, her wish was granted, and she became as beautiful as she had been forty years before. She began to feel the return of feelings she had not known for years.
The fairy godmother then said, "You have one more wish, what will it be?"
Cinderella looked over at her cat, Bob, who was cowering in the corner. "I'd like Bob to be transformed into a kind, handsome young man."
Bob instantly transformed into the most beautiful man the world had ever seen, and with that the fairy godmother vanished in a flash of blue lights, never to be seen again.
Then Bob walked across the room to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. He whispered gently in her ear: "Bet your sorry you had me neutered."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on May 25, 2006, 12:09:36 am: Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasi Modo were chatting over a drink one day.

Cinderella says that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Tom and Quasi nod their respective heads, saying 'Maybe...maybe'. Tom then says that he is the smallest man in the world. The others nod and mumble 'Maybe...maybe'. Quasi Modo then states that he the ugliest person in the world. The others nod etc etc.. Then Tom Thumb says, 'Hey, let's ask the Guiness book of records - that should prove us right or wrong.'

So they each contact the Guiness Book of Records and meet up a few days later. 'See' says Cinderella, 'they confirm that I am the most beautiful person in the world.'

'And me', says Tom Thumb, 'they confirm that I am the smallest person in the world.'

They both look at Qasi Modo whos has remained silent. He then says 'Huh, who the hell is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on May 25, 2006, 11:04:20 am: A poem by Sir Paul McCartney

We lay upon the grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I undid her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 25, 2006, 12:32:09 pm: Ah, all the ones are recycling in a slightly different format.

Like Heather is going to use part of her divorce settlement to buy her own plane!

But she'll still use a Ladyshave on the other leg!!

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on May 25, 2006, 01:16:42 pm: An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on May 25, 2006, 05:08:31 pm: A sister and brother are talking to each other when the
little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,
"Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa
to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please
make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm
telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog
noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you
croak we can go to Disney World!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on May 25, 2006, 11:07:31 pm: A unattractive mean acting women walks into WalMart with her two kids.
The WalMart greeter ask her"Are your kids twins?"
No she says,the older one is 10 and the younger one is 7.
The lady replys in a sarcastic tone "Why, do you they look the same?
No ! he replys I just cant believe you got layed twice. :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on May 26, 2006, 06:10:22 pm: I'm sorry it's not a conventional joke, but this auction on a certain site is just too damn funny!!

http://tinyurl.com/fnc6u
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 29, 2006, 01:11:45 am: It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re cr*p and we can’t be bothered.”

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub.”

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)”. He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium ‘Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes).”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, no, I have, I’ve let you down…I got sent off after 12 minutes.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on May 29, 2006, 01:23:02 am: ;D - excellent
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 29, 2006, 09:45:24 pm: Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?

He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 30, 2006, 08:14:29 pm: Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at
a business function. He forces himself to open his
eyes and the first thing he sees are a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down
and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love
you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough,
there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home
after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the
coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so
clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the
bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 31, 2006, 10:35:45 pm: and, another....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as she
sliced her shot and the ball headed directly towards a foursome of men
playing an adjacent hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately
clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
round and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, his hands still
clasped at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender
and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that
feel?"

He replied, "It feels great but my thumb still hurts.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on June 01, 2006, 03:41:45 pm: THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren 't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

-Lee :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gab on June 02, 2006, 10:13:25 am: In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a

tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her

turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her

legs to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her

enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover

that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted

the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large cowboy who was standing behind her picked her

up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,

"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The cowboy smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you.

But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on June 07, 2006, 12:09:48 am: Police were called to the Sunderland fc ground the stadium of plight after one of the players noticed some unusual white powder on the ground.
After tests the police confirmed it was the goal line.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: sceetum on June 07, 2006, 12:39:19 am: ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tommy84 on June 07, 2006, 12:42:03 am: What's the difference between Michael and Ralf Schumacher?
The expression on their face when someone drives in their rear-end.

Why did Villeneuve let both Mercedes pass at Jerez 1997?
He feared they roll onto him

The Scottish National Team won a match. The manager comes into the locker room and says
"Guys, you were very good. You deserved a refreshment."
"John, open the window"

What does a dutchman when Holland won the World-Cup
He turns off his playstation and goes to bed

During a manoeuvre a sign is put up on a bridge - "Detonated"
The General watches his company through his binoculars crossing the bridge by foot
The last soldier in the queue has a sign on his back - "We swim"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on June 07, 2006, 11:02:58 am: A Scientist has invented a bra that prevents nipples from sticking out in cold weather and prevents boobs from bobbing up and down when walking. His mates have kicked the sh*t out of him!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 08, 2006, 04:07:34 pm: Parking: Watch the video

http://www.way2park.com/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on June 08, 2006, 04:37:13 pm: A man goes for a job in the quality assurance department at Durex.

The forman takes him round the plant, shows him the machinary and offers him the job.

"What exactly will the job entail?" ask the interviewee.

"Well" says the forman "You have to check ! in 100" and procedes to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the light then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She hitches up her skirt pulls down her knickers and bends over.

The forman gives her a good rodgering. after he has finished he pulls off the rubber, stretches it, holds it up to the light and again confirms no holes.

"Easy as that" he says.

"When do I start" asks the man unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp"

The man hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night and is outside the Durex factory at 6:30 Monday morning.

Anyway the production line startsup and the man faithfully counts 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated withSensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his Old Man and calls the seretary over. Over she comesgrabs hold of his manhood and proceeds to rigorously masterbate him.

Rather startled and confused just looks at the secretary, who says,

"Sorry, company policy, you've got to work a week in hand"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 09, 2006, 03:34:17 pm: Five Classic Affairs:

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
" You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby!
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such
an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to showÂ you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,Â "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."Â "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:Â "How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairsÂ with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on June 09, 2006, 04:54:27 pm: How to impress a woman...
wine her
dine her
call her
hug her
hold her
surprise her
compliment her
smile at her
laugh with her
cry with her
cuddle her
shop with her
give her jewellery
buy her flowers
hold her hand
write love letters to her
write poetry for her
go to the ends of the earth and back for her

How to impress a man...
show up naked
bring beer
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 10, 2006, 09:17:30 am: Wayne Rooney walked into teh England changing rooms after his scan and announce to the guys "It's OK, I can play, the doctors cave me a Cortisone Injection"

Everyone was happy except Beckham, who sat in the corner frowning.

What's wrong David?" asked Sven, to which he replied, "I'm the captain, how come that fat scouse bastard gets given a new Italian Sportscar and I don't!!)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 13, 2006, 08:49:35 pm: BULL BREEDING

A man took his wife to the county fair and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year."
"The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year".
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow?"

*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on June 14, 2006, 12:39:50 am: A doctor is finishing an operation by stiching the patient up.
Before he has finished the patient wakes up and starts aggresively questioning him about the operation.
When he tells him he is about to stitch him up the patient snatches the needle from him and say's he will finish it himself.
The doc steps back and replies "well suture yourself"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on June 14, 2006, 12:58:20 pm: Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in a bar discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's arl going grand" says Jock. "I've got everything organised arlready the Flowers, the church, the reception, the cars, the rings, the minister even ma stag night"

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought mesen a kilt ta get married in" continues Jock.

"A kilt" exclaimes Archie. "Thats braw, you'll look pure smart in that"

"And whats the tarten?" Archie then enquires.

"Och" says Jock. "I'd imagine she'll be in white"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on June 14, 2006, 03:34:16 pm: A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in a sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister.
"I've decided to become an England supporter and would like this shirt for my birthday"

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says,
"Go talk to your mother"

Off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirtin hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes Son"
"I've decided to become an England supporter and would like this shirt for my birthday"
The mother is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head twice and says,
"Go talk to your Father"

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad"
"Yes son"
"I've decided to become an England supporter and would like this shirt for my birthday"
The Father is outraged by this and whacks him round the head 4 times and says.
"No Son of mine is going to be seen in THAT"

About half an hour later they are all in the car on there way home. The Father turns to his Son and says
"Son, I hope that you have learned something today"
The Son says.
"Yes Dad I have"
The Dad says
"Good Son what is that?"
The Son replies.

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you f**k*ng Germans"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 16, 2006, 04:05:28 pm: Well, since there's nobody around to see this....Maybe when you all get back.

Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on June 20, 2006, 09:50:48 pm: Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says,

"Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on June 22, 2006, 01:59:08 pm: England v Brazil

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but it's only England.
They're sh*t and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".
He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put
the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
(Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his
hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on June 23, 2006, 11:10:02 am: A lady walks into a BMW dealership.
She browses around, spots a top of the range 7 series Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel th e fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarressed she looks around vervously to see if anyone her little accident and prays that a sales person dosn't pop up right now. As she turns round her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a young salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and showing complete professionalism the salesman greets the lady with.

"Good day madam. How can I help you today?"

Very uncomfortably and hoping that the salesman just might not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks,

"Sir, what is the price lovely vehicle?"

He answers.

"Madam, if you farted just touching it you are going to sh*t yourself when I tell the price"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on June 23, 2006, 04:29:48 pm: Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

I got a £50 note tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a £50 pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one - I like to watch my money grow; two - once in a while I like to play with my money; three - I like how money feels in my hand and lastly - instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow £50 quid anytime you want.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on June 26, 2006, 04:59:52 pm: 1. What do you call a chav in a box?

innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

4. What do you call a chav on fire?

Blazin'

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him?

It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint go-faster stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?

A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job?

Can I have a Big Mac please.

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?

Will the defendant please stand

15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville?

Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

A Nova seats 5

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?

Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they'll screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?

A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?

None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower?

He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car
wash.

22. Why did the Chav cross the road?

To start a fight with a random stranger for absolutely no reason
whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college?

The cleaner.

24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?

Society.

25. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerichgwyndobwyllantysyllyog ogogoch
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one Chav asks the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you
settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are.. very slowly?"

The blonde girl leans over the counter and says,

"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on June 28, 2006, 10:35:46 am: An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar. They're
staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They
stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My god! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on June 29, 2006, 01:05:58 pm: Having been married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things".

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on June 29, 2006, 01:12:09 pm: and another one about a popular topic:

This morning on the M4, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN !! in a brand new car doing 80 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the ###### phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

###### women drivers!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on June 29, 2006, 03:18:26 pm: A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've also grown the neck and the giblets!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on July 01, 2006, 12:35:03 pm: The perfect husband?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everybody else in the room stops to listen.

Man: Hello
Woman : Honey, it's me, are you at the club?
Man: Yes
Woman: I'm at the mall now and have found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped at the Mercedes garage and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
Man : How much?
Woman : $95,000
Man : OK but for that price I want it with all the options.
Woman : Oh, great, and just one more thing. That house we liked last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000
Man : Well then go ahead and give them an offer but just for $900,000
Woman : OK. I'll see you later. Love you!
Man : Bye. I love you too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks : "Anybody know whose cell phone this is?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 10, 2006, 11:44:02 pm: TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE
TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO
HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS
AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK
MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING
HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING
LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN....SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on July 11, 2006, 04:59:35 pm: AN AIRLINE'S PASSENGER CABIN WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT
ATTENDANT, WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE
SERVEDTHEM FOOD AND DRINKS.

AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND
ANNOUNCED TO THE PASSENGERS, "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO
ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY
PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."

ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED A WELL-DRESSED RATHER EXOTIC
LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.

"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES. I ASKED YOU
TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE
GROUND."

SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A
PRINCESS. I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."

TO WHICH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT,

"WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY, I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUT RANK
YOU.TRAY-UP, BITCH."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on July 11, 2006, 05:09:09 pm: Rooney accepts apology from Ronaldo.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on July 11, 2006, 06:06:08 pm: Oh no he doesn't!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on July 11, 2006, 06:43:50 pm: Portugal's training ground
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 12, 2006, 01:30:23 pm: Rooney's kids?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 12, 2006, 01:42:55 pm: Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) ..."I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team
would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 12, 2006, 03:12:30 pm: Breaking News

The body of pop singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor was found this morning in the home of an international footballer. The cause of death was confirmed as a violent head butt. Police believe it was murder on Zidane's floor.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 14, 2006, 11:02:08 am: Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second bloke: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife I will a build new pool deck.

Third bloke: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise to remodel the kitchen."

They continue fishing then realise the fourth bloke hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said what you had to do to come fishing. What's the deal?"

Fourth bloke: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" She said, "Wear sun-block."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on July 14, 2006, 04:13:45 pm: Many were worried about whether Rooneys foot would stand-up to Carvalho's tackle, when, all the time, we should have been woorying whether Carvalho's tackle could stand up to Rooney's foot.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ricardo-T on July 14, 2006, 08:54:15 pm: Worth a click...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/07/13/zidane_headbutt_outrage/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on July 17, 2006, 10:16:42 am: Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Boom boom !!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 18, 2006, 11:47:00 am: Made me smile.
Subject: Kids......

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the ..1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on July 18, 2006, 01:55:10 pm: This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at
such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless b*stards at Jewsons ever bring us the f*cking plasterboard."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 18, 2006, 03:23:15 pm: A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start all that again. You're in my cupboard now"

***************************************************************************************************************
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: vqdave on July 20, 2006, 12:52:23 pm: Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of the
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was
moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.
So he offered him freedom, as long he could answer a very
difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: 'What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was
better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an
answer
by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court
jester.
In all he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a
satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch,
as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the
witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she
charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but totalk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have
to accept
her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble
of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young
Arthur
was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made rude noises etc. He had
never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend
to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too
big
a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of
the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the
witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able
to be
in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The
neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What
a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between
relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and
courteous.
The
old
witch put her worst manners on display and generally made
everyone very
uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling
himself
for
a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited!
The
most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was
astounded
and
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had
been
so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she
would be
her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and
which during the night? What a cruel question!

Gawain began to think of his predicament- during the day a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in
the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch Or would he prefer
having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate
moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below,
but don't
read on until you've made your own choice.
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for
herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful
all the
time because he had respected her and had let her be in
charge of her
own life. What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty
or
ugly.
Underneath it all, she's still a witch - and don't you forget
it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: vqdave on July 20, 2006, 12:57:31 pm: Subject: FW: Ethics test

>
> This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
> giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
>
> The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which

> you will have to make a decision.
>
> Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
> Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
>
> You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
> you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
>
> This is a flood of biblical proportions.
>
> You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
> caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
> hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
>
> There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
> under the water.
> Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a
> man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not
> to be taken down with the debris.
>
> You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise
> who it is.
> It's Cristiano Ronaldo!
>
> At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull
> him under.
>
> You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or
> you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the

> death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.

>
> So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :

>
> Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
> classic simplicity of black and white?
>
>
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on July 20, 2006, 01:11:27 pm: Dave, the answer is simple, shoot in color, photoshop it in b/w. FS

would there have been any decent arse shoots as well taken during this scenario, be interested in seeing them ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: vqdave on July 20, 2006, 01:24:44 pm: Quote from: Ferrari Spider on July 20, 2006, 01:11:27 pm
Dave, the answer is simple, shoot in color, photoshop it in b/w. FS

would there have been any decent arse shoots as well taken during this scenario, be interested in seeing them ;)

FS, there is always an opportunity to arse shots. Doesn't matter where you are, there is always arse about ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on July 20, 2006, 02:07:10 pm: Fairly topical I think............

I'm driving along minding my own business, when from nowhere there's this big crack in my windshield!!

I swerved right,

and then left,

and it was still right there!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on July 20, 2006, 06:16:05 pm: The Boss had a problem. He had to downsize the office and narrowed it down to one of two people: Dorothy or Jack. It was an impossible decision -- they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Dorothy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Dorothy, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like sh!t this morning.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 24, 2006, 09:51:17 am: Even BT don't deserve this.

Contains naughty words

http://www.youtube.com/v/Yj2oXMdZ4sk
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on July 24, 2006, 10:40:39 am: Love IT!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on July 24, 2006, 12:02:29 pm: Thats great, ;D
I hate these cold calls.
I had a call from a travel company telling me that it was my very last chance to take advantage of their special deal, so I said to this bloke:
"So if I tell you to get lost and dont call me again, you wont because I've missed the deal, is tha right?"
"Err umm, yes",
"OK then get lost and never call back......"
The I heard in the background:
"Oh Sh*t, Dave we need a different script" ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on July 24, 2006, 12:23:30 pm: When I get calls from people trying to sell telecom packages, cheap phone deals and the like I simply tell the sales person not to waste their time as there is no phone at this address. It's amazing how many of them apologise without realising that they are actually talking on a phone. On the occasions that someone does twig it, simply apologise and state that it's nextdoor's phone and give them their number.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 24, 2006, 04:56:46 pm: Men Are Just Happier People--
   What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name
stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of
themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President or Dictator. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

   The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more
pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

   A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

   Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your
face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually
hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do"
your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 25, 2006, 03:16:17 pm: Unfortunately, these are not jokes....

The Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards" For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts that happened in the U.S. during 2005. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say, "What the heck??" So keep your head scratchers handy, here are the Stellas for the past year

To kick things off the right way, there was a three-way tie for 5th place.

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

Also in 5th place is Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California - you knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? - Who won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratchers.

The last of the 5th Place winners went to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he has just robbed by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to subsist for eight - count 'em, 8 days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching, there are more.

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stellas when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shooting the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr ... scratch, scratch.

Third Place went to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go.

Second Place: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh,
Yeah, plus dental expenses. I know, go figure.

Finally, this year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:

Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home - from an OU football game, no less - having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.

Don't look so incredulous, remember, we're talking about Oklahoma here.

Not surprsingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her – you are sitting down, right? - $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.

Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might buy a motor home.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on July 28, 2006, 04:15:52 pm: A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he
typed....

P

E

N

I

S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the

computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 01, 2006, 09:53:59 am: The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was very upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a Divorce right away!"

And her husband replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair..."

Here he took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on August 01, 2006, 12:05:11 pm: A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know
five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 01, 2006, 02:55:38 pm: See second item down entitled "Council Vacancy Filled". Puerile? Moi?

http://www.newtown.org.uk/news.php
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 01, 2006, 04:37:31 pm: This is a copy of an actual letter. I am sure I have seen this guy at Le Mans
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on August 01, 2006, 06:08:58 pm: Incredible story about an elephant's memory...UPI July 3, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him....

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on August 01, 2006, 07:43:22 pm: Not really a joke, but after seeing the council announcement I feel I must share something with you.

Carlisle airport was advertising for an ait traffic controller, the airport was at that time operated by the city council, so I think they may have used a generic advert.

At the bottom it said 'As a part of our continuing drive towards equal opportunities, applications are particularly welcomed from the blind or partially sighted'

I haven't flown into Carlisle since.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on August 02, 2006, 02:56:16 pm: (http://www.sxoc.com/vbb/attachment.php?attachmentid=36039&stc=1&d=1154517892)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 02, 2006, 04:11:23 pm: Talking of airports
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on August 06, 2006, 06:47:28 pm: http://theync.net/video/h072506headbutt.wmv

;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: vqdave on August 08, 2006, 01:33:23 pm: If women ruled the world

(http://www.vingtquatre.net/image0099.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 11, 2006, 01:04:40 pm: Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and
said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 29, 2006, 10:38:56 am: The following are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear... and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on September 05, 2006, 01:22:04 pm: 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm

& sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by

himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into

the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I

just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...............We'd both still be alive .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 07, 2006, 03:17:49 pm: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on September 07, 2006, 04:12:00 pm: knetter posted this to our forum:
(http://www.patrick.fm/nieuw/images/waschanleitung.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on September 07, 2006, 05:04:52 pm: This reminds me of a conversation I once had with Mr Termite when I was moaning about the huge pile of ironing I was doing. "Well," says he, "why don't you just put your washing in the linen basket? Then it turns up a couple of days later in your drawer, washed and ironed. Works every time for me."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 12, 2006, 01:08:13 pm: The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f**k*n' rabbit!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 18, 2006, 12:58:49 pm: Parts of this reminded me of the arrival of the Commer on MB in '05.

http://www.ravsgottahurt.co.uk/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on September 18, 2006, 02:28:30 pm: ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on September 21, 2006, 02:10:31 pm: my cubicle...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxqsWHpznsg
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 22, 2006, 07:19:16 pm: Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 21:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 22:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Bob took the money...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 23, 2006, 01:16:53 pm: Quote from: Steve Brown on September 22, 2006, 07:19:16 pm
Bob, a handsome dude,

Yup 8)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dave H on September 23, 2006, 06:30:10 pm: Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on September 27, 2006, 12:20:07 pm: Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when
they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall,
with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny
little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Title: The litte things you forget!!
Post by: rcutler on September 27, 2006, 12:22:56 pm: The litte things you forget!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on September 27, 2006, 12:24:39 pm: And Another:-
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 28, 2006, 11:12:16 pm: You couldn't make this up if you tried!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on September 28, 2006, 11:19:15 pm: What were you doing there?

Anything you'd like to announce?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on September 29, 2006, 05:18:28 pm: FULLY AIR CONDITIONED CAR
[/color]
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on September 29, 2006, 11:04:32 pm: New Terms for all you budding Golfers

An Adolf - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - shouldn't have, but got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel right

An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks

A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be

A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner

An IRA shot - a provisional

A Diego Maradonna / Dennis Wise - nasty five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A lady boy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

A gynaecologist's assistant - just shaves the hole

Does your husband play? - for when a man hits a short tee shot

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water>

A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Michael Jackson - fading away

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Tony Blair - too much spin

A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again

A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on October 01, 2006, 08:37:25 pm: Quote from: LangTall on September 07, 2006, 04:12:00 pm
knetter posted this to our forum:
(http://www.patrick.fm/nieuw/images/waschanleitung.jpg)

I sent this pic around to a few people, my Father in Laws wife told me that I shouldn't proliferate this type of oppression, and that I was as bad as a terrorist.

Guess that's me off the Christmas card list then. Hey - ho
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 03, 2006, 10:05:40 am: A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come >home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big >smile on his face.
>
>"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had >sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
>
>His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You >talk to him".
>
>Then she left the room.
>The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm >proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that >ten-speed bike you've been wanting.
>
>I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
>"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
>
>"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on October 04, 2006, 05:43:09 pm: GEORGE Bush has a heart attack and dies. The devil is waiting for him in hell.

“I'm not sure what to do," said the devil. “You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded fair, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was a large pool of hot water, into which Richard Nixon was being made to dive over and over again, all day long. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" said George. “I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room, in which Tony Blair was being made to sledgehammer away all day at a huge pile of rocks.

"No!" said George. “I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."

The devil opened a third door. In the room, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she reportedly does best. George looked at this in disbelief for a while, before deciding, “Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica. You're free to go."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 05, 2006, 03:50:00 pm: Found this Ad. How very true.

Post Date:
Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:
Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 06, 2006, 01:21:10 pm: E-Mailing the wrong wife
This was voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia in 2001.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at th e conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man w as told he would have to wait for a later flight.

He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was havin g a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his w ife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.

** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on October 07, 2006, 11:50:12 am: Found this one amusing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPcEtwVF4pc
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 09, 2006, 09:38:42 am: A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, but flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 09, 2006, 11:57:17 am: Quote from: nickliv on October 01, 2006, 08:37:25 pm
Quote from: LangTall on September 07, 2006, 04:12:00 pm
knetter posted this to our forum:
(http://www.patrick.fm/nieuw/images/waschanleitung.jpg)

I sent this pic around to a few people, my Father in Laws wife told me that I shouldn't proliferate this type of oppression, and that I was as bad as a terrorist.

Guess that's me off the Christmas card list then. Hey - ho

if thats the case, i'm off to print this out several times! :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 09, 2006, 03:01:53 pm: A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off."

Just send the bottle back!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on October 10, 2006, 09:44:13 am: Hope this won't offfend anyone. :angel: But bloody LOL ;D

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa,look at the size of that f*cker!"

Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out,

Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the
fish back to church.

Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,

I'll cook that f*cker tonight,

The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,

Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are
alright."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on October 10, 2006, 09:56:54 am: A man gives his wife a puppy for her birthday. Only problem is, this is positively the ugliest dog in the world. The wife refuses to give it a home. "Take that bloody thing out of my sight. You can't possibly think I want to stare at that ugly little thing all day?"
Perplexed, the guy takes the poor little thing for a walk in the local churchyard. He spots the vicar having a quick jodrel behind a gravestone and has an idea. "Evening, vicar," he says.
Surprised and embarassed the vicar says, "my goodness, that's an ugly little dog you've got there."
"Yes," replies the man, "and being a man of God, I just know you'll give him a home."
"Well..."
"I know you will, because otherwise, I'll tell all your parishioners what I've just witnessed. What's more you'll pay me £100 for him."
Naturally, the vicar takes the dog home.
The next afternoon, the vicar is having tea with the bishop. "My goodness," he says. "What an ugly little dog."
"Do you mind," says the vicar, "I paid £100 for that dog."
"Somebody must have seen you coming."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 10, 2006, 09:44:27 pm: Did you hear about the paranoid German vegetarian?
He feared the wurst...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 11, 2006, 10:03:46 am: Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned...You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 11, 2006, 10:33:07 pm: The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
dignified well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man
replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,
perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out
ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see
Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two
nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts.
The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they
went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night but
he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session,
Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever hired me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said.

"Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to
give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 12, 2006, 03:34:21 pm: A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 12, 2006, 03:43:01 pm: 2 guys were stuck in the desert, desperate for water.

They struggle once again over the top of a sand dune and lo, below them, they see an Arab market full of people selling and buying food.

They rush down with thier last ounce of energy and go to the first stall, gasping "water, water"

The stall holder says " sorry, I only have a mixture of jelly and custard, topped with creme and cherries."

Deparate for a drink, they go to the next stall but the reply is "sorry, we only have blancmange with sweet biscuit base and chocolate sprinkles on top of double creme with a hint of sherry"

This goes on for every stall, them being offered rich puddings all the way.

Eventually they crawl to the top of the next dune, severely dehydrated and one says to the other.....on the brink of death...

"did that strike you as odd"; to which the other replies...............

"yes, it was a trifle bizarrre"...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 13, 2006, 06:11:45 pm: British humor......heh Steve.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on October 13, 2006, 07:06:19 pm: Quote from: johnevans3 on October 13, 2006, 06:11:45 pm
British humor......heh Steve.

John
Trifle is a sloppy fruit pudding that English people eat at Christmas.
Bizarre/Bazzar..........
It's a sh*t joke anyway - even worse when you have to break it down.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 18, 2006, 01:09:37 pm: A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 19, 2006, 10:58:46 am: A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ted.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ted the rooster costs £3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ted.

The farmer takes Ted home and sets him down in the farmyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself
now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ted seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ted takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ted nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ted is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ted after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ted out
in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next morning to find Ted on his back out in the middle of the
yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight
up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ted, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done
to yourself."

Ted opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 23, 2006, 03:50:08 pm: A riddle for Monday Afternoon
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 23, 2006, 05:08:19 pm: A fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely fire engine," says the fireman admiringly.
"Thanks," says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
"Little colleague," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the cart, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says...

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f***ing siren, would I?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 23, 2006, 09:07:42 pm: LOL firstclass Neilsie
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on October 23, 2006, 10:02:16 pm: Quote from: Matt Harper on October 13, 2006, 07:06:19 pm
Quote from: johnevans3 on October 13, 2006, 06:11:45 pm
British humor......heh Steve.

John
Trifle is a sloppy fruit pudding that English people eat at Christmas.
Bizarre/Bazzar..........
It's a sh**t joke anyway - even worse when you have to break it down.
It was funnier when I did not understand it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 23, 2006, 11:09:56 pm: Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on October 24, 2006, 12:03:01 pm: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/s_heathrow-p1.php
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on October 24, 2006, 12:24:46 pm: On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "and get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a ballsy bastard!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on October 24, 2006, 06:41:43 pm: You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto
> >
> >the church steps... The photographer raises their camera...
> >
> >Following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves which
> >you
> >
> >will release together...
> >
> >You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your
> >
> >hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait...
> >
> >The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands
> >toward
> >
> >the sky...
> >
> >Not a dry eye in the house, the camera flashes; the moment is saved
> >for
> >
See Below :D

> >eternity..
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 25, 2006, 06:05:00 pm: Bob's retirement story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Beverly. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
Beverly to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I
hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Beverly. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even
if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found
with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed
up his rear, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Beverly, was
arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her
Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 26, 2006, 07:11:08 pm: This is one of the funniest things I've heard all year.

Speakers on.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 26, 2006, 07:18:56 pm: That is very funny, if only I could do that
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on October 26, 2006, 07:22:54 pm: Hilarious! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gate 7 on October 27, 2006, 02:28:32 pm: ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on October 27, 2006, 04:09:32 pm: A muslim woman knocked at my door last night. I didn't answer it, I just talked through the letter box to see how she f**k*ng likes it!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on October 27, 2006, 06:51:57 pm: Quote from: robspot on October 27, 2006, 04:09:32 pm
A muslim woman knocked at my door last night. I didn't answer it, I just talked through the letter box to see how she f**cking likes it!
;) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on October 27, 2006, 06:58:13 pm: www.drinkingforholland.com/Paddy/hypnose.wmv
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: iomac on October 28, 2006, 01:29:19 pm: God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?

We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

We're not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal?

We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery?

We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,

"How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 30, 2006, 01:39:51 am: UK Immigration:

Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 30, 2006, 01:32:46 pm: Who invented this childrens ride??
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on October 30, 2006, 01:37:33 pm: Quote from: jpchenet on October 30, 2006, 01:32:46 pm
Who invented this childrens ride??

More to the point - what kinda websites are you checking out?!! :-\
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on October 30, 2006, 01:38:19 pm: Quote from: Fran on October 30, 2006, 01:37:33 pm
More to the point - what kinda websites are you checking out?!! :-\

LOL
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on October 30, 2006, 02:47:42 pm: Here is my first contribution to the thread:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on October 31, 2006, 03:22:12 pm: amusing and made me larf ;D

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/269388/shark_cage/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 31, 2006, 05:18:00 pm: Three blokes -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Australian engineer -- are working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Australians can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Australian engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out it's completely impenetrable."

The Australian engineer says, "Fill the bastard with water."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on October 31, 2006, 06:52:19 pm: Very funny :o
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6845153163399621017&q=CHAPARRAL&hl=en
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on October 31, 2006, 10:27:22 pm: Depressed? Try this http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595094724/ref=nosim/librarything-20
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on November 01, 2006, 12:47:40 pm: Be careful Christmas Shopping ....................

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.

After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sister he went to the town and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties.

Without checking the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Ciara,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on
her.

She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love Fergus

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on November 01, 2006, 01:43:56 pm: Shamelessly nicked from another forum...

Bentley Forum
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Sierra forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo. Why does everyone assume I'm an asylum seeker?

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Bugatti forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help.
I'm from 1985.

www.chavmycorsa.com
- Mum’s giving me her car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Smartcar forum
- Do our cars use AA or AAA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tyre just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Jaguar
- Is the carbon fibre dash kit group-buy still on?

McLaren F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a Bugatti Veyron tried to race me. I lost!

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the
black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's £35 in petrol.

Boxster forum
-What products can anyone recommend for sun and wind damaged hair?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate the police. Got ticketed again for drifting in the B&Q car park.

TVR forum
... Can I log on remotely as I have broken down in the middle of nowhere?

Morgan forum
- Help! My car's got woodworm, does Ronseal™ really do what it says on the tin?

XR2 forum
If I decided to insure my car, how would I go about it?

Sinclair C5 forum:
Where is everybody?

Morris Traveller forum
Why are there so many angry people following me?

Landrover Freelander forum;
Yes, I think a 2 tonne 4 wheel drive car is absolutely essential when driving across town to Sainsburys

BMW Forum :

What is the funny lever for on the steering column that makes a clicking sound when I push it up or down
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on November 02, 2006, 11:26:04 am: Brain of Englishman: IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA.

An Englishman man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going back to England on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Englishman hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Englishman for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Englishman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
“What puzzles us is, why you would bother to borrow $5,000"

The Englishman replies:
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on November 02, 2006, 01:25:33 pm: Quote from: Rick Cutler on November 02, 2006, 11:26:04 am
An Englishman man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE ITS A TRUE STORY

I walked into a Bank in Miami and asked to change a $50 American Express travellers cheque (or check as they like to call it). I was told that this facility would only be available to me if I had a US bank account holding at least that amount of funds.

I did try and explain slowly and carefully (and toning down my "British" accent) that if I had a US bank account with $50 in it I probably wouldnt need to change the TC in the first place!

Unfortunately despite my best efforts I walked away empty handed.

I tried a couple more banks and got the same story, but eventually one agreed to change $10 but not the $50 I actually wanted.... sheesh.

::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 04, 2006, 12:52:43 am: Lovingly ripped off from another site;

Stupid Questions -

Why is it called Alcholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi my name is Tony . I'm an alcoholic?"

If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get Bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

Why does sour cream has a sell by date?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn is made from corn, and vegitable oil made from vegitables, what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe, you belive them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

and lastly

did you notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on November 04, 2006, 10:01:52 am: Another true banking story. I used to work at Kings Cross station. One day a colleague of mine went to the local branch of Thomas Cooks to get her holiday currency. She was queued up behind a woman who, when she got to the counter, presented the teller with a 100 lira note. "Sorry madam," says the guy behind the counter, "that's only worth about 10p." The woman then turned to her friend, who was in the branch with her and said, "Christ, and I gave the bleeder breakfast aswell."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 08, 2006, 01:09:23 pm: Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relativelywell.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is
still tossing around the giant burrito from the 3:00 AM Mexican taco place adventure.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who
sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in
an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the
hel_l the stranger was passed out on your bed this morning.
Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash
the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 08, 2006, 05:06:51 pm: Breaking news - - - - - Saddam has escaped :o

(http://www.b3ta.hnldesign.nl/beta189.gif)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 09, 2006, 03:23:49 pm: Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr. Honda said, I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him."

St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design:

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.

After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 10, 2006, 11:25:56 am: I didn't think it was worth starting a new thread for this.

Try it. Very strange.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand...Your foot will change direction!!!
dn't want to start a new thread just for this.

Try it, very strange.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 15, 2006, 10:24:28 am: The story of the tourist who walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

"No," said the tourist -

"I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 16, 2006, 11:37:11 pm: http://humour.200ok.com.au/doc/publicannouncement.doc
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 16, 2006, 11:44:44 pm: Your next car....

http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=432
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on November 17, 2006, 11:33:26 am: Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.
Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
And that's when all the other bells started to ring.........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on November 17, 2006, 11:52:29 am: The bellringer who told himself off, no?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on November 17, 2006, 12:58:14 pm: A wife was cooking fried eggs for breakfast her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! NOW! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" His wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving........

MG Mark
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on November 17, 2006, 01:07:44 pm: Quote from: mgmark on November 17, 2006, 12:58:14 pm
A wife was cooking fried eggs for breakfast her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! NOW! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" His wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving........

MG Mark

Aren't the words "wife" and "husband" transposed here?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on November 17, 2006, 01:20:27 pm: Quote from: termietermite on November 17, 2006, 01:07:44 pm
Quote from: mgmark on November 17, 2006, 12:58:14 pm
A wife was cooking fried eggs for breakfast her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! NOW! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" His wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving........

MG Mark

Aren't the words "wife" and "husband" transposed here?

Just depends, I think, on your perspective........ ;D. And let's not get onto whether or not blokes let their lady do any of the driving, except when they need driving home from the pub.... ;)

MG Mark
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on November 17, 2006, 02:14:55 pm: Quote

Just depends, I think, on your perspective........ ;D. And let's not get onto whether or not blokes let their lady do any of the driving, except when they need driving home from the pub.... ;)

MG Mark
Quote
Of course you are right, Mark. Men never tell their wives how to drive. For me it's a straight choice - do I want to be criticised for my driving or my navigational skills? Which reminds me of the time when Mr Termite and I were on an MG Car Club treasure hunt. I drove and Mr T navigated, all the other couples did it the other way around. We won by country mile!!! :D

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise a single egg? Because none of them will stop to ask the way.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on November 17, 2006, 02:44:58 pm: and relevant to me at the mo....

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their doorstep.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on November 17, 2006, 02:59:07 pm: One morning while she was making breakfast a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

Deciding enough was enough she rolled over and grabbed him by his dangler.

With a death grip in place she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on November 17, 2006, 03:57:31 pm: A woman came home, screeched the car to a halt on the drive and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Darling, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 27, 2006, 02:52:32 pm: One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher said to
Amy, "The AI man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So, the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him
down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on November 30, 2006, 12:56:26 pm: One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his
'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother !"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on November 30, 2006, 01:51:19 pm: Quote from: neilsie on November 30, 2006, 12:56:26 pm
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his
'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother !"
Quote from: Doris on November 17, 2006, 02:59:07 pm
One morning while she was making breakfast a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

Deciding enough was enough she rolled over and grabbed him by his dangler.

With a death grip in place she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
Do pay attention, Neilsie!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on November 30, 2006, 04:17:56 pm: A little boy asks his mum "How come I'm black and you're white?"

"Don't ask" she replies "when I think back to that party... I'm amazed you don't bark!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on November 30, 2006, 04:57:12 pm: Quote from: robspot on November 30, 2006, 04:17:56 pm
A little boy asks his mum "How come I'm black and you're white?"

"Don't ask" she replies "when I think back to that party... I'm amazed you don't bark!"

LOL.Very good.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on December 01, 2006, 12:07:32 am: I dreamt i wrote Lord of the rings last night.
Then i realised i was just Tolkien in my sleep.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on December 01, 2006, 05:06:02 pm: Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 01, 2006, 05:08:43 pm: King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 01, 2006, 07:06:52 pm: TENJEWBERRYMUDS

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.

You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for the best email of 2006.

_______________________________________

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on December 02, 2006, 12:20:43 am: Police in Yorkshire have today revealed details of a new method of drug-taking in the regions nightclubs.

It involves injecting the drug through the membrane of the mouth, they are naming it E by gum....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on December 02, 2006, 11:51:21 am: Loved this one
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/232626/bush_condi/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on December 04, 2006, 02:48:02 pm: Here we go chaps - my annual seasonal offering to you all!!

http://www.julekalender2006.leithoff.dk/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on December 04, 2006, 02:54:03 pm: Now neilsie, thanks, but one for us, please? It's a question of balance, don't you know?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 04, 2006, 06:13:18 pm: What's the difference between the israeli army and peter andre?

The israeli army knew when to pull out of Jordan
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: alibongo on December 04, 2006, 11:17:09 pm: Chinese proverbs
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse !

Man who drive like hell bound to get there......

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs....

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.....

Man with one chopstick go hungry.........

Virginity like bubble .......one prick, all gone !!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 04, 2006, 11:26:02 pm: A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted."Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the, accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 05, 2006, 10:13:55 am: Some observations by Peter Kaye.

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Everyone who has just read no.5 has just typed it into a calculator.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on December 05, 2006, 12:55:37 pm: Got a video from Ian (Liverpoolboys) cause it's in Flamsih, but someone managed to make some English commentry to it.

It's from a belgian prankshow, basicly a talkshowhost is having an item about surgical failures, and interviews 2 victims...

But he can't behave himself. ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8uNqmq6pBs
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 05, 2006, 04:52:52 pm: Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, "Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Brown.

"Well' said Blair "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies ' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really Enjoy the Countryside"

"Right PM" said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the
wood" said Blair.

"Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best it is, coming up"

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the barman. "Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 05, 2006, 08:11:56 pm: (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/pic27157.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 05, 2006, 11:15:29 pm: I went to B and Q today, and an old bloke in an orange shirt came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.

But I was quick, and smacked him first.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on December 06, 2006, 03:49:57 pm: When four of Santa's elves fell ill, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell onto the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of cider and a shot of rum. When he got to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get a broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it and there was a little angel with a great big smile on her face. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 06, 2006, 10:35:44 pm: A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 07, 2006, 08:01:37 pm: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do
those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on December 13, 2006, 10:42:01 am: An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
bubble-gum and sell them to France."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on December 13, 2006, 10:46:20 am: Anyone up for a game of rugby at the weekend?

Ipswich are short of hookers.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 13, 2006, 11:44:14 am: A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.

She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.

She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 13, 2006, 12:26:54 pm: Shamelessly taken from another forum.

Father Christmas comes down the chimney to a house and sees a gorgeous leggy blonde lying provocatively on the couch with only a white fur coat on.

"Father Christmas " she says, "how about a little cuddle before you go to the next house, especially for me?"

FC says " sorry, don't have time -- think of all the 10000000's of presents I have to deliver, can't waste a moment "

"oh but Father Christmas, she says " wouldn't you like to give me a little stroke while you are here", dropping the fur coat to the floor revealing a fantastic figure, all spalled over the couch

FC says " sorry, don't have time -- think of all the 1000's of presents I have to deliver - don't want to disappoint the children "

"oh but Father Christmas, how about a little Kiss before you go " she says, lying stark naked in front of father Christmas..

So Father Christmas says, somewhat flushed, " oh all right then, as there's no way I can back up the chimney like this anyway"....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on December 13, 2006, 09:04:53 pm: Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on December 14, 2006, 01:13:28 pm: A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show,

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately
sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating
in
the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the
parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days ..

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any
longer
and said .....

"OK, I give up. Where's the f..... ship?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on December 14, 2006, 02:26:40 pm: Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the
beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous
blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then
she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw
them.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time
topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning,
Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute
young lady."

"Yes, Father?” she said.

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on December 14, 2006, 02:50:36 pm: http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2123638413847227335
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on December 14, 2006, 03:13:27 pm: Quote from: Abs on December 14, 2006, 02:50:36 pm
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2123638413847227335
Good you speak French or Dutch, but for those who don't, the cellphone says: do not forget the pussycat. ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 14, 2006, 04:34:57 pm: 21st Century "Where's Wally?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 15, 2006, 12:51:01 pm: To: All Employees
From: The program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
Date: TODAY
Re: S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality
work and productivity from employees, it will be
our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) .

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they
were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name
to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) .

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 16, 2006, 03:18:54 pm: Maud and Claude are both 91.

They met at the OAPs club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on December 18, 2006, 10:38:31 am: A real groaner of a Christmas joke

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back to the front of the field only to be struck by a box of crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the steward's room to complain that he had been...

seriously hampered.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 18, 2006, 11:47:45 am: stolen from another forum:

A man walks out of a bar staggering back and forth with his car key in his hand. A Cop on the beat sees him and approaches him and says "Can I help you sir?"
"Yesssh! Ssssssomebody hash stole my car!" the
man replies.
The Cop asks, "where was the car the last time
you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" the man replies.
At about that time the officer looks down to see
that the man's wiener is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down
woefully at his crotch and without missing a beat he blurts out
>>> >
>>> > >> > > > "Son-of-a-bitch,
>>> >
>>> > >> > > > they got my girlfriend too."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chris988321 on December 19, 2006, 08:44:28 pm: Thought I would throw this one in i'm probably breaking some rules here :-* with it being so long but worth reading especially if you try to fix your own car like I do ::).

Let me know if it is too long and i will shorten it.

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car. For those who have not used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at car-owners who want to fix their own cars and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards.

They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, and then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Super Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the
engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL

All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount
of cash.
Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too
scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you
to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 20, 2006, 11:50:38 am: A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow*job, a missionary s*hag, some doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a tit w*ank. Is that OK? The lady says: "It sounds intriguing sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line. "
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 20, 2006, 12:06:47 pm: Something seasonal...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on December 21, 2006, 11:32:38 am: A 'Down and Out' was going around knocking on doors to see if he could get any casual work to get some money to help out over the Christmas holidays.

He went to a big house and rang the bell. A very well to do guy answered the door. The Down and Out asked "do you have any odd jobs I can do for you". The guy thought about it for a moment. "Yes" he replied. "wait here a moment" He went inside and returned a tin of paint and a brush.

"You can paint my Porch for me." " I have to got out right now I'll pay you when I get back."

The owner returned to find the down and out walking down the road and so he stopped and said "Is it done then?"

"Yes gov it's all done!",
"OK here's your money".
"Thank you gov."
"Oh by the way it's not a Porsche is a Ferrari!".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on December 29, 2006, 12:52:07 pm: A Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....

box said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of

water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour

per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"

Button on the stupid phone!!!

EXPOSURE

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,

opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,

marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on December 29, 2006, 01:19:49 pm: There is a legend that goes like this:

In a bar in London there is a magical mirror.
If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie – poof it swallows you up. OK

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar, they head straight for the mirror and the redhead says:

“I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world” Poof the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up and says:

“I think I am the sexiest woman in the world” Poof the mirror swallows her up.

Last of all the blonde goes up and says:

“I think…” Poof!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on January 02, 2007, 09:00:28 am: limited supply of saddam t shirts left.. a bit tight around the neck, but hangs well ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 04, 2007, 10:17:23 am: Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up he letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,
Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on January 05, 2007, 02:51:59 pm: (http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/charades.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 06, 2007, 02:05:08 am: Beer ;D

http://www.onlyatest.org/jdjFiles/TuiBrewery.wmv
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on January 09, 2007, 09:15:20 am: Dear Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 09, 2007, 11:30:04 am: The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 09, 2007, 03:23:21 pm: I thought you would have finished those Christmas Crackers by now Mark ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 10, 2007, 04:25:29 pm: The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts.

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" George.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on January 10, 2007, 05:00:16 pm: ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 11, 2007, 02:31:13 pm: Easy Rider

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs; a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. It's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?

The doctor says, You're perfectly healthy, there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy??

The woman stammers, Why, yes, but how did you know??

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on January 12, 2007, 09:16:43 pm: (http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o155/nickliv1205/pic015391.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on January 13, 2007, 06:59:48 pm: Pinched from sniffpetrol.

(http://www.sniffpetrol.com/AdCorsaNew02.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on January 15, 2007, 04:01:34 pm: stupid yanks?

http://www.shoutfile.com/v/gSfSsCpR/Why_People_Believe_Americans_Are_Stupid
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on January 15, 2007, 04:04:03 pm: A nice screen saver for you!
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
give him a quick nudge with your mouse if he gets stuck!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on January 15, 2007, 04:43:39 pm: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they
had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped
in
the
cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she
thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and did
not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down
next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned
that his
normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no
panties!!" "That's
nothing"
said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 16, 2007, 04:41:58 pm: A man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his vicar. The vicar gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.

The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.

His family voted 14-4 in favor of it. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on January 17, 2007, 04:18:23 pm: Saddam's cat
(http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/image001.gif)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on January 17, 2007, 04:36:09 pm: Join BUPA now!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on January 18, 2007, 08:58:45 am: A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 10mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman :police:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on January 18, 2007, 12:15:35 pm: A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is BLACK."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was BLACK."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has BLONDE hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, the co-star in the

movie was this SWEDISH guy." "Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has SLANTED EYES."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was also a little CHINESE man in
the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts CRYING and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that she was going to BARK."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on January 18, 2007, 06:24:26 pm: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED HUMAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

6. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

7. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

8. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

10. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARSE" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on January 19, 2007, 09:52:02 am: Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the corner of the lane. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled:

"See what a fiver gets you!!!”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on January 19, 2007, 12:35:43 pm: HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male
and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

But there seem to other ways....

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See if you can spot which of the two birds is the female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Perdu on January 19, 2007, 06:07:35 pm: Doris, any prize off the top shelf.

I love it!

;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on January 22, 2007, 05:53:22 pm: I'm not a Big Brother fan, but loved this.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 24, 2007, 10:42:50 am: After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.

It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.......

"That's me 6 months ago"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on January 24, 2007, 09:44:33 pm: Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," replies Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!!!

-Lee :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on January 27, 2007, 01:28:09 am: Read the reviews :D
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/customer-reviews/B000JU8FXK
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on January 29, 2007, 01:40:23 pm: The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place? He must be losing money hand over fist!"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 30, 2007, 09:52:13 am: An old couple are in Church attending a service & the little old lady turns to her husband and says "Ive just done a silent fart, what should I do" .

He turns to her and says.....

"Put a battery in your f*****g hearing aid !
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 30, 2007, 10:50:47 am: I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Be careful out there...!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 30, 2007, 05:50:13 pm: Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?

A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?

A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

A. Sorted.

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?

A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?

A. “Wot you looking at?”

Q. Why are chavs like slinkeys?

A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?

A. A policeman.

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?

A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?

A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?

A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.

And finally!!!

A chav walks into the local jobcentre, marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi...You know, I just HATE getting Jobseekers Allowance. I'd really rather have a job."

The guy behind the counter says , "Your timing is excellent, we’ve just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes , but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided . You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll also be provided with a two bedroom apartment above the garage, the starting salary is £200,000 a year".

The chav, wide eyed, says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The jobcentre guy says, "Yeah, well ... you started it”.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 01, 2007, 02:59:22 pm: Political Correctness

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on February 02, 2007, 02:30:25 pm: Ever wonder why your desktop icons change position when you are not around???

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on February 02, 2007, 03:57:21 pm: some friday fun!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 05, 2007, 12:16:39 am: Recent Threads from Car Forums:-

Bentley Forum
- - - I used the ashtray today. How do I replace it?

BMW 3 Series Forum
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over? It ain't stolen. Innit?

VW Beetle Forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics).

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH.

MX5 forum
- - - Some !!!!! in a Toyota Hilux just ran over my car (pics).

Hilux Forum
- - - MX5 stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it?

BMW 7 Series Forum
- - - Where to get a service on my Rolex?

Rover 800 Forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at the bingo.

Range Rover Forum
- - - Is the price of petrol going down anytime soon?

Delorean Forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Honda Accord Forum
- - - Mum is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap used 18-inch rims.

Toyota Prius Forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA’s or AA's?

Ferrari Forum
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche Forum
- - - Tyre just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car privately?

Mini Forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Sueing the movie company. (pics)

AC Cobra Forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 Forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Hummer Forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 10 dead, 24 hurt. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's £85 in petrol.

Subaru WRX Forum
- - - I'm thinking blue and gold, how about you?

Mondeo Forum
- - - Mondeos are the best, prove me wrong!

Chevy Pick Up Forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of ma truck?

Supra Forum
- - - Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Volvo Forum
- - - What biker? I never saw a biker, he just came from nowhere, and I didn't mean to hit him.

Golf GTI Forum
- - - Do you feel bored at 125mph aswell??

BMW X5 Forum.
- - - 32'' Wheels delivered... Can't find tyres to put round them

Maserati Forum.
- - - I'll shoot the next person who asks which Vauxhall it is..

The Alfa 166 Forum:
- - - "What do you mean by residuals?"

Ford Probe/Cougar forum :
- - - Which phone-box are we having our next owners' meeting in?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on February 05, 2007, 02:30:44 pm: Announcement from Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough as women through time have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 05, 2007, 04:40:02 pm: The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have an seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on February 09, 2007, 05:48:32 pm: In today's news .....

Police in Alabama have found the body of a black man hanging from a tree, his arms & legs had been cut off , he had been set on fire and shot seven times, 4 bullets to his chest & three to his back.

The local sheriff said it was the worst suicide he had ever seen.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on February 09, 2007, 06:38:25 pm: If You Loved Me You'd Squeeze It
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on February 12, 2007, 10:45:16 am: Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, they got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling, please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

“Harder!' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,'There! Oh God, that feels so good!'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that she was still a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!'

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 12, 2007, 11:58:48 am: Why I fired my Secretary......

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Ah well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they'll remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, and by the way boss, Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. Instead, she chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment, I'll be right back." "Ok." I replied nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Bollock naked.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 13, 2007, 08:31:31 pm: I'm not really sure this is a joke but it made me laugh.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/

I'd sign it but the govt would use it to say that we a not taking the petitions seriously if it gets too popular.
Can he blame us?

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on February 14, 2007, 09:30:11 am: Quote from: Lawnmower Man on February 13, 2007, 08:31:31 pm
I'm not really sure this is a joke but it made me laugh.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/

I'd sign it but the govt would use it to say that we a not taking the petitions seriously if it gets too popular.
Can he blame us?

t.

Brillliant - what a lovely thought. Very topical too, given the news today that the government has woken up to the popularity of the road pricing petition and is going to e-mail everyone who has signed it to explain the policy and "bust the myths" - hhmmm, wonder if they realise that they will in all likelihood get a flood of replies back??......

MG Mark
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 14, 2007, 09:35:59 am: Two Aberdeen Farmers, Tam & Shuie, were sitting in `The Farmer's Bar`.
Tam

turns to Shuie and says "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o`gan through life wi`oot
an education. T`morn I think I'll ging doon tae the community college and
sign up for some classes".
Shuie thinks it's a good idea and the twa leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic courses, Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic" Tam says Fit`s 'at"?

The lecturer says "I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer?"
"Aye".
"Then logically because you own a strimmer I think you have a garden".
"That's true. I dae ha` a garden".
"I'm not done," the lecturer says. "Because you have a garden I think logically that you have a house."
"Aye, I dae hae a hoose."
"And because you have a house, I think that logically you have a family".
"I huv a family"
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife".
"Yer nae wrang ,I dae hae a wife"
"And because you have a wife then logically you must be heterosexual".
"I am heterosexual" says Tam "That's amazing!! you were able to find a` that
oot jist because I hae a strimmer".

Excited to take the classes now, Tam shakes the lecturer's hand and leaves tae met Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie aboot his classes how he had signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says "Fit`s at".
Tam says "Dae ye hae a strimmer?"
"No"
"Well then yer a poof"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 14, 2007, 10:11:43 am: A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him that, crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.
The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 14, 2007, 10:20:01 am: A young man went for a proper massage, and to his delight, his masseuse was absolutely gorgeous. About halfway through he began to get an erection, he tried to make it go away, but to no avail.

The masseuse noticed it, and said 'perhaps sir would like a w**k' to which he replied 'oh, erm, yes'

So the masseuse left the room, the young guy lay on the table waiting for her to return.

About 20 minutes later she popped her head round the door 'Finished?' she asked.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on February 14, 2007, 01:13:29 pm: Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Ah well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they'll remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, and by the way boss, Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. Instead, she chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment, I'll be right back." "Ok." I replied nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Stark naked.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 14, 2007, 01:28:15 pm: Scroll up six replys ::) . Pay attention at the back
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 14, 2007, 02:38:48 pm: A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your new gal!"

The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"

"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 15, 2007, 02:34:38 pm: Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he
asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and
again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please?

Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled
over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on February 15, 2007, 05:06:21 pm: (http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/image001.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 16, 2007, 08:20:52 am: Quote from: termietermite on February 15, 2007, 05:06:21 pm
(http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/image001.jpg)

That is top draw material!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on February 18, 2007, 02:32:39 pm: I think I'm going to try this next time.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 18, 2007, 08:24:24 pm: What's the difference between the Israeli army and Peter Andre?

The israeli army knew when to pull out of Jordan.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 18, 2007, 08:26:10 pm: HOW MEN THINK.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we
used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.

I'm a bit older and a bit heavier than when you last saw me."

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby men were cute - as long as they are not bald, and she was
sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f**k off.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on February 19, 2007, 08:03:52 pm: A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here"?!

:-\

F
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on February 20, 2007, 10:57:54 am: Quote from: Fran on February 19, 2007, 08:03:52 pm
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here"?!

:-\

F
No need to get personal, Fran! ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 20, 2007, 12:29:55 pm: Saw this on google earth, not sure where it is

(http://www.makezine.com/blog/google_07.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 21, 2007, 10:41:49 am: Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend
along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a
customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,
the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family
from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code
3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares
aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 21, 2007, 12:06:12 pm: His first offence was on 15th June. The question has to be asked, what the hell was he doing in Tesco with his wife anyway? He should have been at Le Mans ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on February 21, 2007, 01:14:11 pm: Quote from: BOB U on February 21, 2007, 12:06:12 pm
His first offence was on 15th June. The question has to be asked, what the hell was he doing in Tesco with his wife anyway? He should have been at Le Mans ::)

Hang him.. the judicial system demands it!! :police:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 22, 2007, 01:31:27 pm: Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

Women's English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on February 23, 2007, 12:09:54 am: Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your

womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with

cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the

soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!
Oh, and... woo-woo!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on February 28, 2007, 04:40:57 pm: After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after, headlines in the
UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced
high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as
deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas
inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

PS: Don't Mess with Texas
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on March 04, 2007, 12:23:45 pm: She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me - this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she says, "Thanks" and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he says, "What was that all about?"
"The egg timer's broken."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on March 08, 2007, 12:16:57 pm: For those who have those wonderful motivation posters in their office, try these - ;D

(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/worth.jpg) (http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/gettowork.jpg)

(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/teamwork.jpg) (http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/stupidity.jpg)

(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/goals.jpg)

for more see http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

also worth alook a their demotivation videos - http://theater.despair.com/selfnarrativespreview.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on March 08, 2007, 03:00:57 pm: old but good..

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank.. But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear... And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 08, 2007, 07:46:58 pm: A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 09, 2007, 07:31:10 pm: A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your stance is too wide."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 12, 2007, 03:03:07 pm: Norwich ( pronounced Naaaaaarch ) was invented in 1923 and is kept in
Norfolk where it has lived for the past 83 years.

Norwich has a population of approximately 2500 of which 2438 are related to
each other and the rest are classed as " Furriners" who have
decided to settle in Norwich from beyond the great Horizon.

Vocabulary

Here are some useful Norwich phrases and words:

Naarigde Yoonyun - Major Norfolk employer

Thang Kyer - Spoken at high speed, used by Norfolk shop assistants when
accepting money.

How're yer getting arn buh? - Norfolk greeting

Rup Bah - Variation on the above

Hair - Here

Shicagoo's - Nightspot on Prince of Wales Road, Norwich

Bare - Sold by the pint in Shicagoo's

Is that roight? - Comment to show that attention is being paid to the
speaker

Ass a Jook - I'm just kidding

Khazi - Suburb on the western edge of Narridge

Tross - Suburb on the southside of Narridge

Windam - Small town south of Narridge (Sensible abbreviation of it's proper
name : Wymundimunidundim)

Loose-tarfed - East coast fishing port

Card - Traditionally eaten with chips, might well have been caught off
Loose-tarfed

KooDee - Discount shop at the top of St Stephens, Norwich

Hum Base - DIY store

Fooze - Electrical component on sale at Hum Base

Fool - Petrol or Diesel

Stoop ud - Term applied to very silly people

Gatoo - Sticky chocolate cake

Foo too or Fota - Get these developed at Boots

Sproight - Fizzy lemon drink

Boost - To Brag about ones achievements

Jargon - Like running, but at a more leisurely pace

Ar ya orrite, bor - Good Morning

Ar ya orrite, bor Good Afternoon

Ar ya orrite, bor - Good Evening

Hay ya gittin arn tagether? - Hello

Yow siller owld fule - Comment made to someone displaying "backward"
tendancies

How fer ar ya doin' bor? - How are you?

Loight ar$e - Lighthouse

Haysbra (Happisburgh) - Coastal village with a loight ar$e

Hunstan Hunstanton - Coastal village

Furriners - People who come from anywhere outside of Thetford

Thas a rumman - Not quite up to scratch

Blast Bor, yow git a ding-a-tha-lug - I'm going to hit you now

Fare t' middlin - I'm doing quite well

Bishy Barny Bee - A Ladybird

Thas a Bit on the Huh - That's a bit wonky/uneven

Traa'er - a farming vehicle

cumbine airvista - an agricultural vehicle

carra rud - a place where narj people go to watch their football team lose

ur day - to day

wot yoo up to urday - what are you doing today

ouver hair / ouver ere - im over here

i / yoo/ ee/ shee gooo - i/ you / hee/ she went to/ goes to

ci'ee - as in naaarch ci'ee a place for shopping

noo idare - no idea/ don't know

gunna - going to
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 12, 2007, 03:18:25 pm: A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 13, 2007, 10:08:55 am: A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on March 15, 2007, 11:47:34 am: They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on March 15, 2007, 11:53:27 am: 53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream.............

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on March 16, 2007, 01:29:58 pm: A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new Club 'Sweeties', fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre. I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, i'm a bit of a hard case , I'll look after you". Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me" and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, the "hard case" Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh, After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and says "I thought you were going to look after me ?". "I was" says the Smartie "but those Lockets are bloody menthol!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 19, 2007, 09:26:01 pm: http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/556783/jokeid/125744
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 20, 2007, 09:59:29 am: An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass topieces and says:
"Well mate, in Oz we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African
and the Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many f**k*ng South Africans and Australians that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on March 21, 2007, 02:31:15 pm: The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 22, 2007, 12:22:39 pm: LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE BACKWARDS

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way...

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you
party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby.

And then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury , in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day...And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 22, 2007, 01:51:33 pm: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 22, 2007, 05:47:45 pm: A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on March 23, 2007, 09:37:42 am: For all of those who have flown recently -funny air traffic controllers quotes

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

more to follow......
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on March 23, 2007, 11:09:51 am: Why you should always shut the door...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 23, 2007, 03:12:23 pm: Four guys were in a bar. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.

The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says : Damn, My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion especially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 27, 2007, 01:53:12 am: A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A
couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this
wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.The mother gave him
a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing
up!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on March 27, 2007, 08:55:03 am: A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog’s cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let’s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I’m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he’s cross-eyed? "
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No, because he’s really heavy."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on March 29, 2007, 12:18:37 pm: (http://www.anexium.com/stuff/scouse-winders-me.gif)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 29, 2007, 02:04:27 pm: How true......
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 29, 2007, 11:02:48 pm: 1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime artist next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

5. The speed of light is equal to the wavelength multiplied by the frequency of an electromagnetic wave (microwaves and visible light are both examples of electromagnetic waves). So what's the speed of dark?

6. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

7. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

8. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

9. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

10. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

11. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

14. Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?

16. How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

17. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

18. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

19. Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

20. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

21. Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

22. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

23. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

24. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

25. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

26. When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

27. Do fish get cramps after eating?

27. Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

29. Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for something new?

30. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

31. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

32. Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

33. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

34. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

35. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

36. Why is it that fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dish-washing liquid contains real lemons?

37. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?

38. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

39. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

40. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

41. Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as '4s'?

42. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

43. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

44. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

45. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

46. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

47. Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

48. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

49. If all those psychic’s know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

50. Isn't the best way to save face should be to keep the lower part shut?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on April 01, 2007, 02:57:10 pm: What to wear when SWMBO wants you to help with the housework
(http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/camo.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 02, 2007, 04:18:58 pm: NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH

Jamaican police have arrested the Pakistani cricket team's bus driver.
Apparently he misunderstood the instruction to give the coach the full throttle.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on April 02, 2007, 10:10:01 pm: Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve
even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 03, 2007, 12:09:17 pm: Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave.......

Dave........

Dave........

For Christ's sake......you're a bloody vet
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 10, 2007, 01:42:20 pm: Taliban Dating Agency
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on April 11, 2007, 09:40:52 am: For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 11, 2007, 12:43:46 pm: This put a smile on my face!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on April 11, 2007, 01:31:10 pm: This made me laff! ;D

Got 60 seconds?

1. Go to google.
2. Click on "maps"
3. Click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box ("from box)
5. Type "London" in the second box ("to" box)
6. Click on "get directions"
7. Scroll down to step #23 of the directions.

F
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 11, 2007, 01:50:21 pm: Fran, if your avatar is anything to go by surely it would be easier for you to walk accross ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on April 11, 2007, 02:18:27 pm: Quote from: BOB U on April 11, 2007, 01:50:21 pm
Fran, if your avatar is anything to go by surely it would be easier for you to walk accross ;D

Well of course Bob, but one must also consider the lesser mortals... ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 11, 2007, 02:19:39 pm: Priceless.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on April 11, 2007, 02:57:36 pm: Quote from: BOB U on April 11, 2007, 01:50:21 pm
Fran, if your avatar is anything to go by surely it would be easier for you to walk accross ;D

lucky the atlantic isnt real ale.. otherwise she would sup it all up.. the ale houses over here are just getting over her visit ;) no offence :angel:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on April 17, 2007, 09:59:25 am: A man took his wife and kids to a local farm open day at the weekend. One of the first exhibits they saw was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They then walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husbands ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The man looked at her and said, "Go over and ask that farmer if it was with the same cow."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on April 17, 2007, 10:18:14 am: Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (TheTimes)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hiter.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 18, 2007, 07:49:48 pm: I was in the queue at the chemists behind a swedish or norwegian gentleman. He asked the girl behind the counter for a deodorant.

'Ball or aerosol' she asked.

'Neither' he said 'I need it for my armpits'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 19, 2007, 12:00:58 pm: How do you titilate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 19, 2007, 12:24:37 pm: Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Peace Prize?

It was for work that was outstanding in its field...

Ba-da-boom Tish!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 20, 2007, 10:09:12 am: The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.
Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured wasto have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who arguedabout it at length.
Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.
Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"Big tits" replied the Pope.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 25, 2007, 12:28:29 pm: Driving to work this morning on the M3 motorway, I looked over to my

right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour

with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped

my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees

against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,which fell

into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM

AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette

out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on April 26, 2007, 03:51:16 pm: I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and
> was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I
> had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot
> Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
> hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
> and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
> works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
> eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
> nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
> mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
> enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition

> because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
> sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
>
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
> hard as he staggered out the door.
>
> Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on April 26, 2007, 05:45:25 pm: A little girls dad goes out hunting and comes back with a deer which he then prepares for dinner. The little girl, sees the unusual meat on her plate and asks dad what it is. He says, " it's what your mummy calls me sometimes". "I'm not eating that!", screams the little girl, "It's a f***ing ar*ehole!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 27, 2007, 02:28:37 pm: An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looked it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 30, 2007, 04:17:40 pm: An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 01, 2007, 10:38:55 am: Seven Dwarfs.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see The Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. Dopey my son," says the Pope "what can I do for You?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and Answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers Dopey: "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there
ANY dwarf Nuns Anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Douglas on May 13, 2007, 05:51:00 pm: A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 16, 2007, 05:07:34 pm: DIET
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put
him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next
time I see you, you should have lost at least 5
pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by
having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you
follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by
jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd
day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from fookin' skippin'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on May 16, 2007, 08:46:25 pm: AA young man walks onto the stage of the TV show "Stars in their Eyes", on Crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. The
compare Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you
to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what
happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours. Before I was
eventually cut free. the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they
couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they Artificial?'
asks Matthew.
No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again
by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Matthew responds with
that's an unbelievable story".
So tonight, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be " Simon and Halfuncle "
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on May 17, 2007, 04:39:55 pm: The Vicars Chickens

Why you should make sure you think before you speak...

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them”?
Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on May 17, 2007, 05:05:44 pm: why was the goat in church....?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Steve on May 17, 2007, 08:15:43 pm: A farmer has perfected a way of growing dildos in his field.
Trouble is, he's having problems with squatters!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Steve on May 17, 2007, 08:18:06 pm: A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm.

His wife is sat up in bed reading.

He says "This is the pig I make love to when you've got a headache"

The wife looks up and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"

The man replies "I think you'll find I'm talking to the sheep"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on May 21, 2007, 02:25:52 am: Q. How many cars can you get under a mini skirt?

A. 1000 Corsairs and one red mini.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 21, 2007, 05:28:02 pm: A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I
have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now wh
at are
you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah
? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on May 22, 2007, 04:24:24 pm: A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two talking parrots, which are males, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible.

"Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Paul and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... er, that phrase.. in no time."

"Thank you," the woman replied, "that may very well be the solution." So the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and reciting prayers. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Then one male parrot looked over at the other male and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Paul! Our prayers have been answered!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on May 23, 2007, 09:43:27 am: Peter Kay one liners....

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones
may break my bones but names will never hurt me',
and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge:
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex?
No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on May 24, 2007, 12:43:53 am: At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he
turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What
do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his
obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do
with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and
send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you
do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete prick ".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on May 25, 2007, 02:28:00 pm: A Grandson goes to visit his Grandmother.
Gran says to her grandson, "help me put in this supository will you dear"
Grandson blushes and says OK.
So Gran drops her draws and bends over.
Grandson looks down and says "Do I put in the Brown Hole or feed it to the Turkey"?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on May 27, 2007, 05:30:45 pm: An atheist goes on holiday to the Northern Territories of Canada.

He was walking in the woods when he heard a noise behind him. He turn and found a 12ft high Grizzly Bear ready to grab him, mouth wide open and claws open.

Suddenly there was a small but very bright penetrating light between the atheist and the bear and both seamed frozen in time. The light grew bigger and bigger and then the atheist heard a voice…………..

‘Atheist, this is GOD here, will you believe in me?’ the voice said.

The atheist replied………..’No, I do not believe in you so leave me alone’.

The GOD replied……….’Atheist, if you believe in me I will save you from the grizzly bear in front of you and you may continue to live a long life’.

The atheist replied………..’No, I do not believe in you, but if you want to convert somebody, why not convert the bear’.

After a second or two GOD replied…………’that’s an idea, OK’. Where upon the bright light faded to nothing.

The bear started rubbing his claws together and with a gaping mouth said………………
’For what I am about to receive may the Lord make me truly thankful’!!!.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on May 29, 2007, 12:57:58 pm: A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*** me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f***ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f***ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on May 30, 2007, 11:29:41 am: At a recent computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving round in £25.00 cars that did 1,000 miles per gallon.

In response, GM issued a press release stating.
If GM developed technology like Microsoft we would all the driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the engine, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manouevre such as a left hand turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would sell to only 5% of the population.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7.The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
8.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would be in the same place.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on May 30, 2007, 04:23:44 pm: Quote from: termietermite on May 30, 2007, 11:29:41 am
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Which is, in fact, what I have to do in my French car!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on May 30, 2007, 09:03:52 pm: How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Just phone up and say you can't come.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 31, 2007, 10:27:13 am: Who said Brits Aren't Romantic?

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannie's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the racing’s on
And fetch another beer
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lancs Se7en on May 31, 2007, 11:40:38 am: This may have been posted earlier
MAUDE & MABLE

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on June 05, 2007, 01:11:20 pm: After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not
afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,! " said the doctor, "is to go
home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I
don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up
to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting
on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, and
West Virginia, Norfolk, Scotland and Wales.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on June 05, 2007, 01:12:09 pm: One for the ladies.......

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to
stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I
don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are
you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20
years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless
woman was shocked. "Won 't your husband be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on June 14, 2007, 09:50:39 pm: 'Knock Knock'

'Who's there?'

'Michael'

'Michael who?'

'Oh well, that's F1 for you'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on June 22, 2007, 03:52:02 pm: There were three old black ladies packing ready for a flight accross the Atlantic.

The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane"

"Why yo gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cos, if dat plane goes down an I'm out der butt up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first"

The second lady says, "Well I is gonna wear me some floooresent orange panties"

"Why yo gonna wear dem" The others ask.

The second lady answers. "Cos if dis hareplane goes down an I'se floatin butt up in de oshun dey is gonna find me first"

The third old lady says. " Well I ain't gonn wear me no panties"

"What? no panties" the others asked in disbelief.

"Dat's right, yoo heard me I ain't wearing no panties" the third lady said "Cos if dis here plane goes down, honey, dey always look for de black box first"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 22, 2007, 03:57:51 pm: Things that should not be said - (I'm sure this has been on here before?)

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew.'

USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kKisses them..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'so Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddles up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
Shorts.'

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on June 22, 2007, 06:57:59 pm: And the then editor of the daily mirror interviewed on the evening news on the mysterious disappearance of Robert Maxwell.

When asked about the possibility of Maxwells suicide he replied 'I spoke to him last night, and he was in a very buoyant mood'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 27, 2007, 06:36:55 pm: House prices in Yorkshire have risen dramatically now that they have running water!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 02, 2007, 11:20:18 am: Darwin 2007 Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us, who've done their bit for the human species by removing themselves from contention in it.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on July 02, 2007, 12:11:07 pm: Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless. He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 02, 2007, 09:50:10 pm: An Engineer passes away sudenly and St. Peter wouldn't let him in.
So he goes down to Hell.

After a while, he meets Satan and puts a few proposals to him to make things a bit more comfortable down there.

So, after a few weeks, they have running water, flush loos and airconditioning.

After a few months, they have a tramway and a monrail up and working.

God 'phones up Satan regarding thier bi-annual meeting and Satan suggests he hosts the meeting.

God arrives down and is amazed at what he saw. So he asks Satan whats going on?

Satan replies saying that God sent an Engineer down and he did all this.

God says, 'It must have been a mistake, we want him back'.

Satan declines,

God said, ' Its obviously a mistake, I'll swap a few from there for him'

Satan declines the generous offer.

God Said, ' I'll sue you'.

Satan replies, ' and where the f**k are you going to find a lawyer!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 03, 2007, 06:19:11 pm: A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
>>front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
>>out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
>>the driver's door.
>>Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
>>accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But,
>>before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
>>screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked
>>up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
>>same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
>>After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
>>head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
>>lawyers are,"
>>he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the
>>most important things in life."
>>"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
>>The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
>>It
>>got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
>>"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
>>
>>(scroll down)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"MY ROLEX!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on July 04, 2007, 04:19:46 pm: Sorry its long, but good it parts.

Global Politics and commerce in action

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

WELSH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

A SCOTTISH CORPORATION:
You put a fur coat on one and claim a new breed, you shove a scaffolding tube up the behind of the other one, blow hard and try to make music, well sort of...

AN ENGLISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out.

They charge you five times the cost of doing it.

They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the CE approved five legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by four kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg.

To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special CE marked trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows.

You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you naff all for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows.

The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they.

You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home.

They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 05, 2007, 09:21:36 am: An American farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose...

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 05, 2007, 10:05:22 am: The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia?

(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?

(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?

(USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on July 05, 2007, 12:27:18 pm: For Health & Safety people out there,

NELSON SPEAKS TO HARDY ON THE EVE OF TRAFALGAR

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on July 05, 2007, 12:41:50 pm: Not sure if has been posted before, but as it's holiday season and people will be flying soon, here's a little bit to think about when flying.

All too rarely, airline attendant make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
************************************************** ******
On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentelman, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
************************************************** ******
On landing the stewardess said "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
************************************************** ******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 ways out of this airplane."
************************************************** ******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
************************************************** ******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington International, a lone voice came over the loud speaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
************************************************** ******
###After a particularly tough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
************************************************** ******
###"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face
If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are travelling with more than one small child....pick your favourite."
************************************************** ******
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
************************************************** ******
###And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
************************************************** ******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airplane's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" (OMG...... that was just ridiculously corny)
************************************************** ******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
************************************************** ******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tub, we hope that you'll think of US Airways."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 05, 2007, 05:43:26 pm: A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 06, 2007, 01:10:21 am: Quote from: Catchpole on July 05, 2007, 06:20:48 pm
Police Van gets bogged down ;D

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MvdpYgX4f7Q

It's about time they got their feet wet. Make a change from 'Wet behind the ears'. Which most of them are.

Hopefully the've learnt something, particularly that w**k*r of a driver.

Jerry

ps. loved it Peter.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on July 08, 2007, 08:49:24 pm: NEWSFLASH..........

42 people have been stuck to the floor of an airport terminal in Belfast, Police belive Irish Muslims have detonated a no more nails bomb
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 08, 2007, 10:21:53 pm: Two tourists are driving through Wales. As they're approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the Towns name.

They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one of the tourists asks the blonde employee behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us, would you please pronounce where we are....very slowly ".

She replied "Burrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiiiing"!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 09, 2007, 02:15:23 am: Quote from: Steve Brown on July 08, 2007, 10:21:53 pm
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch,

I'm glad to see that someone got the spelling right. I'd like to here you trying to say it though. I'm lucky in that score, I'm WELSH.

Our moto is ' British by Birth, Welsh by the Grace of God'.

Steve, I just hope in my heart you are as well.

Jerry
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mezza on July 09, 2007, 10:40:18 am: Jerry...i am absolutely convinced that nobody can say that...but i will practice whole year!!!! Estonian is a bit easier...
kuulilennuteetunneliluuk...not the longest word in estonian...but the longest palindrome :D...it means cannonballs flyway :D

< No chat - just jokes please >
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 09, 2007, 10:51:48 am: A Plumber gets caught on "Builders from Hell" shagging the houseowner's dog on cctv.
Woman sues him but the judge dismisses the case as he was corgi registered
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 09, 2007, 11:54:16 am: SUMMER BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQing, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

[1] The woman buys the food.

[2] The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

[3] The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

[4] THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

[5] The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

[6] The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

[7] THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

[8] The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

[9] After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

[10] Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

[11] The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on July 09, 2007, 12:08:37 pm: Quote from: jjkt15 on July 09, 2007, 02:15:23 am
Quote from: Steve Brown on July 08, 2007, 10:21:53 pm
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch,

I'm glad to see that someone got the spelling right. I'd like to here you trying to say it though. I'm lucky in that score, I'm WELSH.

Our moto is ' British by Birth, Welsh by the Grace of God'.

Steve, I just hope in my heart you are as well.

Jerry

Why is it there are 2 x crossings coming out of South Wales, both free to come from Wales to England, yet you have to pay to go to Wales? ::)

< No chat - just jokes please >
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on July 09, 2007, 12:51:51 pm: When the second crossing opened I thought, maybe the fools over there would think about charging opposite directions! Then you would go to wales on one bridge and back on the other! Shame they actually thought about it!

< No chat - just jokes please >
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 09, 2007, 06:19:47 pm: In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, 'Yes!'

And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'.

And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable T.V. with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied,

'Yes, And super size 'em'.

And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled, and created the National Health Service.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on July 09, 2007, 07:48:41 pm: Newsflash

Ireland is experiencing its worst ever air disaster.

A Cessna 152 has crashed into a churchyard in Kerry.

Police have recovered 274 bodies, and expect to find more as digging continues through the night.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on July 09, 2007, 07:49:44 pm: For Sale

Invisible Jack Russell Puppies.

Both parents can be seen.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mezza on July 09, 2007, 09:23:59 pm: 2 Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says 'mick do you think i've put enough explosives in this envelope.' 'Don't know' says Mick 'open it and see!' 'But it will explode' says Pat. ' Don't be f**k*n stupid, it's not addressed to you!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: enzo on July 10, 2007, 11:44:51 am: IRELAND!!!!
Jesus was in heaven one day looking for his father but he couldnt find him anywere Jesus was starting to get worried for his father was gone a long time. About 4 hours passed and God rose up true the cloads Jesus ran over to him and said father were have you been father? i was worried sick!! God turned and said do not be worried my son for i have created a beautiful place. Jesus asked what have you created father??GOD said move the clouds and gaze on my creaation. Jesus asked what is this blue and green ball father?? it is earth my son i shall put life on it. What are the green parts? Jesus asked.
God said they are countries my son thats were ill put my greatset creation man. oh okay father but this seems
to good to be true. God said no its not my son on it will be balance! Balance? Jesus said. yes my son balance look at south america that shall be an evil place full of red necks and stupid people and you look at
north america and its the complete opposite good and bad thats balance!! Jesus said oh okay! hey Dad whats that place over there?? God said with a smile on his face ahhh son that is the best of all! the emerald isle thats were im puttin the IRISH!!! The Irish? said Jesus.. Yes son the people that live there will be the happiest and friendliest people on earth the will travel the globe and settle everywhere the shall build the earth and make it great. They shall invent a black liquid and have the best craic with it.. Craic? said Jesus. you will see son just wait. Jesus looked at his father with confusion??? but Father this place sounds to good to be true what about balance?? God looked at Jesus with a grin on his face and said yes son it is to good to be true because wait until you see the w**k*rs! im gonna put beside them
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on July 10, 2007, 01:52:12 pm: Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied, "Usually playing golf with his buddies."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mezza on July 10, 2007, 03:30:39 pm: A guy asks a woman: " You want to play magic?" She asks: "What is magic?" He says:" We go to my place, we drink, we talk, we f...k, you disappear!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 10, 2007, 05:47:56 pm: PENDING MARRIAGE

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 11, 2007, 11:21:30 am: A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" !
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on July 12, 2007, 05:05:07 am: :(A husband and wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her ' I never want to ive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids in a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on July 12, 2007, 05:08:08 am: To continue my joke .....................
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on July 12, 2007, 05:11:57 am: damn .......... I sure do have difficulty trying to tell a joke

Anyway she got up, pulled the plug on the tv and threw out my beer

there ...i got the sonofabitch

the last transmissions went by themslves

now how do I send this one
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garyfrogeye on July 12, 2007, 10:51:09 am: Jack and Jills first day at school and at lunchtime the teacher asks Jack if he had a good first morning
Jack says "Yes, Jill and I played in the sand pit.
Teacher; "Well Jack, if you can spell sand, I'll let you go home early"
Jack; "S-A-N-D"
Teacher; "very good, off you go"

Soon after, the teacher sees Jill and askes her if she had a good first morning at school.
Jill; "yes I played in the sand pit with Jack"
Teacher; "very good. If you can spell sand you can go home early"
Jill; "S-A-N-D"
Teacher; Thats very good, off you go"

five minutes later the teacher sees little Winston Agobo and he askes him if he's enjoyed his first morning at school.
"No I haven't" says little Winston.
Teacher; "Why ever not"?
Winston; "because Jack and Jill were playing in the sand pit and they wouldn't let me join in and play them"
Teacher; "But that is Racial discrimination. Now if you can spell Racial Discrimination.........................................
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: fagey on July 12, 2007, 05:11:55 pm: A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 23, 2007, 11:36:53 am: A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 23, 2007, 11:39:10 am: The Royal Navy recently hosted an International 'Sub Fest' to which the attending world nations sent some of the most advanced submarines currently in service. The attending 'boats' apparently demonstrated some of the most advanced propulsion machinery available at this time.

To mark the end of the event (in true 'Boys Own' fashion) the RN hosted a submarine race. The race was later reported as having been 'tremendous fun' for those participating; with the result being apparently very close indeed and possibly open to 'interpretation'.

The attached image was taken at the official finishing line - Can you spot the winner???

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

(http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1412/875590464_c398f006bb.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on July 23, 2007, 11:43:07 am: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mezza on July 24, 2007, 03:29:11 pm: (http://)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 24, 2007, 04:26:57 pm: 'nough said!!

(http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa64/jjkt15/clina_dental.jpg)

(http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa64/jjkt15/Chinkietakeaway.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Black Granny on July 24, 2007, 08:57:31 pm: MUM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"if you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished
cleaning"

MUM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
" you better pray that will come out of the carpet "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
" if you don't clean up , I'll knock you into the middle of next week "

MUM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
" because I said so , that's why "

MUM TAUGHT ME IRONY
" keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE OF OSMOSIS
"shut your mouth and eat your dinner "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
" will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"you'll sit there until all your tea is gone "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
"it looks like a tornado went through your room !"

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
"if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times -- don't
exaggerate!"

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"stop acting like your father !"

AND MOST OF ALL ----- MUM TAUGHT ME " THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "
I brought you into this world , and I can take you out "
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 26, 2007, 11:17:18 am: Exercise Routine

you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! !

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Chocolate.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 26, 2007, 11:34:14 am: Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
He told them the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done, and there was a huge meal on the table.

Billy said that he had married a Lancashire lass, from Bolton.
He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were; to keep the house cleaned, dishes done, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat load the dishwasher and call a landscape gardener.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 26, 2007, 12:37:14 pm: Shamelessly copied from Beermountain.

http://kineticnorth.com/TS/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on July 26, 2007, 02:01:52 pm: Quote from: BOB U on July 26, 2007, 12:37:14 pm
Shamelessly copied from Beermountain.

http://kineticnorth.com/TS/

And on the same site is the final chapter of the new Harry Potter.....

http://kineticnorth.com/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 26, 2007, 03:46:09 pm: The True Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 27, 2007, 01:23:07 am: I went into C&A in Pompey yesterday looking for a prezzie for the misses.

On my way out, I had to walk through the ladies undies section and WOW saw what I thought she'd like.

So on smooching around, I selected some really sexy combinations with see through lace panties, silk panties, peephole bras etc.

At the checkout, the young assistant was holding up each item individually so every bugger could see.

When she lifted up the lace panties, some bright spark behind me said ' How can you tell the front from the back?'

The young assistant looked at him and said 'it's marked C and A'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on July 27, 2007, 05:01:20 pm: Do you know what a Yankee is ?
No.
It's the same as a Quickee,but a guy can do it by himself. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: vqdave on July 28, 2007, 05:15:19 pm: Today the police closed Liverpool airport after a suspicious car was found parked outside.

Its was fully taxed and insured.....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on July 30, 2007, 12:56:25 pm: Most of you will know that Mike Reid from Eastenders died at the weekend. He was a great stand up comedian long before he became a soapstar. One of Mike's favourites......

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and shouts, "Where's the ****ing Manager you c*ck-sucking *rse wipe?" The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the ****ing manager of this sh*t-heap?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Oh **** off will you" replies the bloke. "Where's the ****ing piano?"

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep scratching my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a w*nk over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"I ****ed you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping sp*nk on your shoes?".

"Know it?" the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"

*********************

R.I.P. Mike
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 30, 2007, 11:19:42 pm: Quote from: Andy Zarse on July 30, 2007, 12:56:25 pm

R.I.P. Mike

I have to agree to that Andy.

His days as a 'stand up' will never be matched.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 30, 2007, 11:24:09 pm: A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter
asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on
a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled,
"Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" he asked

"Just a couple of minutes ago!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on August 02, 2007, 01:22:51 am: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a
lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and
gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been
granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and
the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows he's in a bedroom in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of
them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels
something soft under his feet - he looks down and the floor
is covered in $100 bills.

Then there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in
K K K outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree,
throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's
dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods;
its the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the
other one," I can understand the first wish, having all
these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.......
but why he wanted to be hung like a black man, is beyond
me?!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on August 02, 2007, 06:18:24 pm: One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched
into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this
ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely
woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry
figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter
woman than before.

She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry
saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another
level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad
of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really
liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure
enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.
He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks
over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos.
The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on August 03, 2007, 02:31:36 pm: A little boy goes to his dad and asks,
"What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father," Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies,
"The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Catchpole on August 03, 2007, 02:34:45 pm: During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:

Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.

The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on August 03, 2007, 11:19:53 pm: A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?," says the 7 year old, "I think it's about
time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then
you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old
what he wants for breakfast?

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".

WHACK!!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing
life It won't be Coco Pops"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 06, 2007, 10:33:39 am: The wit of Tommy Cooper

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
>turtle disaster.
>
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
>said, "No, permanent."
>
>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
>it's P something T something R.
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
>down.
>
>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
>you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
>I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
>T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
>hand."
>
>I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
>Volkswagen with no driver.
>
>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
>Before End'
>
>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No,
>just a watch."
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
>said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?" (this one is my favourite)
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went
>on and on.
>
>
>The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
>work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
>"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana. "He said, "No, this is for
>the custard."
>
>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
>He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
>I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I
>said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
>
>I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
>This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
>I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
>first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
>
>I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
>promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
>been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
>director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
>what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>
>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
>cat in there.
>
>I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
>shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
>counts.
>
>I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
>said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
>splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
>Thursdays."
>
>I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
>Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
>He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
>
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on August 09, 2007, 08:55:03 pm: A Brazilian, an Iraqi, and a Cockney are in the same bar in Camden.

When the Brazilian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in
the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says, "In Brazil our glasses are so cheap we
don't need to drink with the Same one twice".

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and
shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so
much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either."

The Cockney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer,
downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips
out his 9mm, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.

Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a
refill, he says, "In London we have so many illegal
Brazilians and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same
ones twice."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on August 09, 2007, 10:26:51 pm: It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on August 09, 2007, 10:36:05 pm: 50 Things to do in a Lift:

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on August 10, 2007, 10:40:38 am: OT I know, but re. point 14 of Ricks post.

When I get in a lift, and I'm on my own, I'm in the habit of leaning against the back wall of the lift, nd closing my eyes, don't know why, I've always done it.

Got in the lift at work the other day, and was stood there with my eyes closed, and I well, see point 14 of Ricks post.

Got to my floor and opened my eyes, to discover that one of my colleagues had followed me into the lift. :-[ :-[ :-[ :laugh:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on August 10, 2007, 04:20:27 pm: Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near old petrol
station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them And blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He ###### near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his Crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on August 10, 2007, 06:54:25 pm: Livening up the day.

One Point Dares

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen

Three Point Dares

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,"dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle".Then wink and pout 8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.

Five Point Dares

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fakeconversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in:
"The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist 11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 10, 2007, 07:41:26 pm: A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her Credit Card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first, she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on August 10, 2007, 10:00:57 pm: Quote from: BOB U on August 06, 2007, 10:33:39 am
The wit of Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper - one of the best

One of his best, simple as it is, is

Spoon, Jaar Jaar, Spoon
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 11, 2007, 12:23:40 am: Or glass, bottle, bottle, glass.

A true genius. The only man who could walk on stage and make me laugh before he did anything.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on August 11, 2007, 10:37:15 pm: Quote from: nopanic - neil on August 10, 2007, 10:00:57 pm
Quote from: BOB U on August 06, 2007, 10:33:39 am
The wit of Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper - one of the best

One of his best, simple as it is, is

Spoon, Jaar Jaar, Spoon

This is a joke thread... you forgot the punchline or the joke...

>Martini...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on August 11, 2007, 11:11:31 pm: Someone told me a story about Tommy Cooper.........

He was in a black cab in London, and as he got out of the cab, he said to the driver

"Have a drink on me"

and thrust into the drivers top pocket his gift.

The driver thought it might be a fiver...........it was a tea bag.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on August 12, 2007, 12:06:10 am: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief
they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before
they enter paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the
wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous".

And so God snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too".

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the
line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on
the floor,laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish
will be.

The guy calms down and says:-

"Make 'em all ugly again".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 13, 2007, 06:36:55 pm: George Bush gets shot in a hunting accident and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell and finds the devil waiting
for him.

"I'm not sure what to do", says the devil.
You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have
to stay here, I'm going to have to let
someone go.

I've got three folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but
you're to take their place. I'll even let you decide
who leaves. George thinks that sounds pretty good so
he agrees.

The devil opens the first room. In it were Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He keeps diving in
and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in
hell. "No!", said George. " I don't think so. I'm not
a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot
water all day".

The devil leads him to the next room. In it is Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
Tony stands over a pile of rocks swinging the hammer,
time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder",
commented George. "I would be in constant agony if all I could do was
break rocks all day".

The devil opened a third door. In it George sees Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked
in a spread-eagled position. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing
what Monica does best.

George stares st the scene in
disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, I can
handle this".

The devil smiles and says, "Ok, Monica, you're free
To go".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 13, 2007, 06:40:39 pm: FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

    - Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

    - Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

    - Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

    - Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

    - Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.

    - Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

    - Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

    - After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…

MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 70, a man is like the USA : ruled by a dick…
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on August 14, 2007, 08:42:25 pm: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
.
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Oh look a squirrel!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on August 14, 2007, 11:09:19 pm: I was on ebay the other day, and for some reason I ended up buying 32 metres of dark grey flannel, old stock from an ex nuns outfitters.

It was a bargain, but I don't think I'm going to make a habit of it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on August 15, 2007, 01:24:08 am: There is the new position added to the Karma sutra, it's called the social housing plumber.....you both sit at home all day on the sofa and no-one comes !!!

lady pp has some vair funni jokes to tell....

what do cats eat for breakfast????

and

what do cats eat in the summer to cool off????

hehe these are my favourite jokes atm...... :D ;D :D ...... :-*xxxxxxxx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on August 15, 2007, 11:14:52 am: A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 15, 2007, 12:23:07 pm: RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?............
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on August 16, 2007, 03:24:24 pm: In an attempt to revive her marriage, a woman decided to do something special for her hubby. He had always been a big Brigitte Bardot fan, so she came up with the idea to have her initials tattood on her ass. With a big B on each cheek she went home and waited for her husband to arrive.

When he came home, she said: "I have a surprise for you, come with me and I'll show you in the bedroom". He followed her to the bedroom, curious of things to come. She stripped before him, then turned around and bent over, unveiling her tattoo. "Bob?" he said, "who's Bob?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on August 19, 2007, 04:13:04 pm: A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on August 19, 2007, 09:49:55 pm: An Irish man was driving through the countryside when he sees a bloke rowing a dingy through a field of corn.
He stops the car and shouts to the man " Its twats like you that give the irish a bad name, If I could swim I'd come over there and give you a good kicking!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on August 20, 2007, 01:04:13 am: Red riding hood is walking thru the woods when
she see's a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams;
"Look, will you piss off, I'm trying to have a cr@p!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on August 20, 2007, 10:12:38 am: Bloke says to his wife "Tell me something to make me happy and sad".
She thinks a minute, then says:
"Your cock's bigger than your brother's"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on August 20, 2007, 10:39:49 am: A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month..." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head.. "We're not welcome at Homebase either...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on August 20, 2007, 10:41:55 am: Twenty-five gypsies died in a massive crash on the motorway and all went to Heaven.

They turned up at the Pearly Gates en masse and asked St. Peter to let them in.

But St. Peter said that he didn’t have room for all twenty-five of them; he only had room for five, so they should all go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later, St. Peter went to see God and cried, “They’ve gone! They’ve gone!”

“Who?” said God, “The gypo’s?”

“No,” said St. Peter, “the f***ing gates.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on August 21, 2007, 02:33:29 am: John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,

"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on August 23, 2007, 12:04:10 pm: After feeling ill for a number of months, a man finally decided to visit his doctor. The doctor performed a thorough physical. After reviewing all the test results he asked the patient to get dressed and come in to his private office.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got HAGS," the doctor said.

"Gee, Doc, I've never heard of that. What is it?"

"It's a combination of hepatitis, AIDS, gonorrhea and syphilis."

"What can you give me for it?"

"Well, for starters, we'll put you on a diet of pizza and pancakes."

"Will that cure me ?" asked the patient.

"Probably not. But they're the only things we can slide under a door."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on September 05, 2007, 11:06:02 am: _From a Grandma_

Senior Driver

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from
a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love There must have
been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an
Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii** , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and
brothers, smiled at them all and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out
of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 05, 2007, 02:55:31 pm: E%ton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts,
all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ar$e is for....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on September 05, 2007, 09:06:40 pm: 11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a
very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
clapping.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 06, 2007, 12:55:13 am: A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 06, 2007, 09:42:55 pm: Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front ...but she didn't wear that one very often
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on September 11, 2007, 01:32:16 pm: I knew it was going to be a bad day.........

I rear ended a car this morning...I tell you, it is going to be a REALLY bad
day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.......
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 11, 2007, 05:38:27 pm: The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street
when
he sees a record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from
around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can
listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost
authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost
authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track.
After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still
confused.

"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next
track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority
on
wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm
terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"
::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 12, 2007, 08:55:42 pm: Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one, of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo!Woooo! Woooooo!” He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?”

The Indian replied, “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.”

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,”Ho, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read;
“NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 13, 2007, 11:17:41 am: Technical Support Enquiries.

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

------

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."

------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

------

Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on September 13, 2007, 12:16:24 pm: That last one reminded me of an afternoon in a pub a few years back.
I was sitting enjoying a few beers in a very old boozer (The Mermaid, in Rye). Two archetypal 'old ladies' were sitting next to me, getting stuck into a couple of port and lemons, when one of them picked up a beer mat.
"Ooh, there's a lovely picture of the pub on here"
"Yes, and they've kindly put their phone number on there as well!"
-I looked at one of the beer mats myself, and sure enough, underneath the pen and ink illustration was
"Re-built 1412"
I can confirm that Harveys bitter tastes much better through the mouth and over the tongue, rather than down the nose and around the sinuses.
Christ knows where they thought they were...
H
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 13, 2007, 11:40:53 pm: President Bush is lying in bed at the White House one night when he is visited by the ghost of George Washington. Mr. Bush asks him if he could give him some advice.

"Set an honourable example, as I did." Replies Washington as he suddenly disappears.

Minutes later, Bush is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson and asks him the same thing.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, as I did." Says Jefferson as he disappears.

Next, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, and again, Mr. Bush asks him for some advice.

President Lincoln responds, "Go see a play!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on September 18, 2007, 09:08:23 am: Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid . . .' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 18, 2007, 12:54:41 pm: Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch........ :laugh:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on September 24, 2007, 09:21:40 pm: A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 25, 2007, 10:39:37 am: What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 25, 2007, 05:41:34 pm: How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusley?

Half a cat.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 25, 2007, 10:27:59 pm: What's blue and f**ks old ladies

Me in my lucky blue jumper ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on September 25, 2007, 11:44:50 pm: Jose Mourhinio has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen in England again..... The McCanns have offered to help!

My new girlfriend has a tattoo of a large seashell at the top of her inner thigh.. its amazing... when you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!

If a woman is uncomfotable watching you w**k should she.
A, Get to know you better
B, stop being such a prude
or C, Sit somwhere else on the bus.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on September 28, 2007, 12:28:15 am: I was feeling a bit suicidal the other day so called the Samaritans. Got put through to a call centre in Pakistan, they got very excited and asked if I could fly a plane.....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on September 28, 2007, 01:05:51 am: Chelsea have launched a new after shave called the "Special One"

by

U go Boss.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on September 28, 2007, 08:08:51 am: Quote from: Leftie on September 28, 2007, 01:05:51 am
Chelsea have launched a new after shave called the "Special One"

by

U go Boss.

Keep up at the back there!

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=7701.0 (http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=7701.0)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 28, 2007, 11:24:03 am: A woman takes a dress into the dry cleaners and says to the old lady behind the counter "dry clean this and I'll pick it up Friday"

The old lady, who is a bit deaf says "come again"

The woman says "no, this time it's yogurt"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on October 04, 2007, 09:49:51 am: A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the wardrobe to
watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the wardrobe, not realizing that the little boy is
already in there.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the
wardrobe again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and
closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my wardrobe now.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on October 04, 2007, 09:53:57 am: George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 50% of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that'sright,
Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
his name.

"Johnnie" he responds. And what is your question, Johnnie? "Actually Sir,
I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And Sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 04, 2007, 09:58:58 am: The IRS Visit

Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 05, 2007, 09:28:45 am: A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 11, 2007, 12:53:11 pm: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on October 11, 2007, 11:27:48 pm: Q: What's the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the main function of the Wallabies coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: Why don't the Wallabies backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under 'complacent' it reads: "New Zealand All Blacks, Australia Wallabies, RWC Quarter final, 2007."

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Q: What do you call an Australian at the RWC final?
A: Ref.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 12, 2007, 01:26:49 am: Thought for the Day

Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on October 15, 2007, 11:41:17 am: Subject: Manure (could be a load of c**p, but who knows)

Manure...A True Story.

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizers invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 15, 2007, 11:49:42 am: A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid
rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this..................

You're going to hate yourself for loving this!

"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on October 16, 2007, 08:47:30 pm: It has been pointed out to me that a pint of Guinness is like a Catholic Priest.

It has a white collar, a black body and if you get a bad one you have a sore ar$e for a fortnight !
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 16, 2007, 09:28:40 pm: A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 19, 2007, 09:27:15 am: Once upon a time, lived a beautiful Queen with beautiful large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try & touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on October 21, 2007, 11:06:43 am: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg
If you have a cat, you'll recognise this. If you don't, keep watching, still funny.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on October 21, 2007, 12:15:34 pm: LMAO - I love it!! Absolutely recognise the slap in the face technique......

F
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 23, 2007, 07:45:19 pm: New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 23, 2007, 07:46:03 pm: MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my Vodka.

She's such a bitch.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 23, 2007, 08:02:31 pm: Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks,
"I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "My God ! It wasn't that creased in the shop".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 24, 2007, 09:55:50 am: The old Mafia mobster is on his deathbed ....he calls his son over.
"my boy...i wanta you to hava my chrome plated 45 revolver"
'but dad'...says the son..'you know i don't like guns and stuff...why couldn't you give me your rolex watch?'
Mafia dad raises himself painfully up onto one elbow..'My son... itsa lika this,one day you mighta be married...maybe with a cuppla bambinos,and one night you maybe come home anda find your wife in bedda with another man....whatta you gonna do son?...point at your Rolex and say ...OK...times up!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 24, 2007, 09:59:15 am: HERE ARE THE SIX ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ade on October 25, 2007, 08:05:39 am: A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his ass"
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ade on October 25, 2007, 08:18:51 am: An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

___

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

___

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on October 26, 2007, 01:48:03 pm: They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q:Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization ofvegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q:Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smallerthan the male population? (Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q:I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q:Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on October 26, 2007, 06:27:18 pm: A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. While discretely admiring her, he noticed her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious fasteners -- no zippers or buttons or anything else that he could spot.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me, miss, but how do you get into those pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you could start by buying me a drink..."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on October 26, 2007, 06:38:39 pm: Tongue twisters
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk: ;D

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't... No one wants to hear me sing
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on October 30, 2007, 08:53:46 am: Quote from: Doris on July 14, 2005, 05:38:53 pm
Recently a Husband Superstore opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands.....

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking, "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paid jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so they went further up.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak."
"Oh mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
The exit is to your left.
Have a nice day.

Apparently they have now opened a wife shop too.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 02, 2007, 12:33:15 pm: A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 03, 2007, 11:31:58 pm: For all you over-achievers
What does it mean to "give 100%"? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life? Here's a mathematical approach that might help you answer these questions.

If we substitute
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
for
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z,
then
H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.

But wait!

A T T I T U D E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%.

Now look how far ass-kissing will take you:
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.

So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and the ass-kissing that will put you over the top. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on November 05, 2007, 11:47:51 am: There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke?

.

.

.

.

(you're going to love this)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on November 05, 2007, 11:54:03 am: Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,

"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall,

Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.

As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on November 05, 2007, 12:00:35 pm: An Irish Story.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing! 'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and

another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,

how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on November 05, 2007, 12:09:26 pm: Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Larry who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Larry came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Larry came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Black Granny on November 05, 2007, 09:14:02 pm: The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked,' Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on November 06, 2007, 09:55:05 am: SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
The flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'Would you like dinner?'
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one large enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car as the boy racer he stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When he had stopped laughing he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked
to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 09, 2007, 06:47:34 pm: A NUN & A CABBIE

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 09, 2007, 06:52:32 pm: Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence
attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you f**k*ng idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on November 09, 2007, 09:01:26 pm: Why are there no African-American beauty queen contestants in Idaho?

The don't want to be crowned "Miss I da Ho" :(
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 10, 2007, 03:16:22 am: Quote from: Lee Self on November 09, 2007, 09:01:26 pm
Why are there no African-American beauty queen contestants in Idaho?

The don't want to be crowned "Miss I da Ho" :(

Lee, absolutely brilliant.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 10, 2007, 06:27:02 pm: Reporter: "Well, Dr Oppenheimer, to what do you attribute your worldwide public acclaim?"

Oppenheimer: "I suppose it goes back to the Manhattan Project. We dropped a bomb on Japan and it just mushroomed from there."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 12, 2007, 11:52:20 pm: Here is really an interesting collection of what people actually said in real court hearings.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
-----------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
-----------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
-----------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
-----------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
-----------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
-----------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
-----------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
-----------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person said in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
-----------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
-----------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-----------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
-----------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
-----------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-----------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
-----------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
-----------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-----------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsy have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsy are performed on dead people.
-----------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
-----------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
-----------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
-----------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
-----------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 13, 2007, 09:39:49 pm: All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta B business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough la nding during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot d uring his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open t he door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap you should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on November 14, 2007, 11:18:29 am: When I was living on the Isle Of Man, a Manx Airlines first officer was sacked for making the following PA announcement.

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Isle Of Man, the local time is 14 minutes past eleven, the local date is 1956'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on November 14, 2007, 03:52:41 pm: A man goes to the doctor because he isn't feeling well. The doctor asked him to undress, which the man did of course. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm afraid you will have to stop masturbating.". "Why?!", the man asked. "Because I'm examining your body", the doctor replied.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 19, 2007, 07:15:18 pm: I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.

I believe, in these difficult times in which we live, there needs to be a message of 'Hope'.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy.

An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all.

All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 20, 2007, 12:23:17 am: Quote from: jpchenet on November 19, 2007, 07:15:18 pm
All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

I'll drink to that.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on November 20, 2007, 01:31:07 am: HI Mark,
Canada Again Eh!. I stopped at that one back in September. Bellevile Ontario. All our beer stores have that sign though some are larger than that. For the hard stuff we go to ...The Liquor Store which has a pale green sign so no confusion ;D ;D ;D
Canada Phil
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on November 20, 2007, 05:11:07 am: Quote from: Pieter on November 14, 2007, 03:52:41 pm
A man goes to the doctor because he isn't feeling well. The doctor asked him to undress, which the man did of course. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm afraid you will have to stop masturbating.". "Why?!", the man asked. "Because I'm examining your body", the doctor replied.

Is this some Dutch c*nts joke that English c*nts don't get? (apologies to Rory Breaker)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on November 20, 2007, 08:20:06 am: A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathised because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the Burns Unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on November 20, 2007, 12:44:30 pm: The three bears.

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning........

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this
with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear
who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn
table.

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
I'm only going to say this once....
>
>
>
>
>
>

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Idle bitch ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 20, 2007, 05:25:01 pm: WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on November 21, 2007, 11:37:23 pm: A 50 year old woman goes into hospital and while on the opertaing table has a 'near death' experience.

She turns to the maker and says " well is that it then ? " to which he replies "No... you've got another 40 years, 3 weeks and 2 days before you get the call", so she made a solid recovery.

Before leaving hospital, she decides she might as well make use of the facilities so has a boob job, plastic, tummy tuck, lippo, fannoy crimped, teeth whitened, chin tightened, nose straightened and new hair implants.

As shes leaving hospital ready to make the best of her new tackle, an ambulance speeds around the corner and knocks her down - brown bread.

On arriving at Heaven she asked what went wrong with the 40 years etc, and the Big G says..." SH*T.. I did didn't recognise you when you stepped out from the pavement"

( Irreverent )Regards

BryanC

and apologies to my mate Big Pete who made me smile when I got this same joke at work today !
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on November 21, 2007, 11:50:45 pm: oops... sorry for the typos.
<Pub Mode Off >
BC
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 22, 2007, 01:07:17 pm: Letters to the editor that were never published

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified
way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from
a door with a belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only
was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep
to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark
to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on that muslim
cleric Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail.

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on November 22, 2007, 04:05:19 pm: What's the difference between the England football team and Lewis Hamilton?

Hamilton still has a McClaren!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on November 25, 2007, 10:13:40 pm: Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader." The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no
response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying,
"You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

>Martini...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on November 25, 2007, 10:15:36 pm: A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas
dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is
very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a
bit and lets out a dainty fart !

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even
had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the
dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather
stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

>Martini...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on November 25, 2007, 10:18:32 pm: Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was
almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily
occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla
would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 26, 2007, 12:41:52 pm: UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very
upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you thinkCambridgeUniversityis?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:Leicester.

BBCNORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between
your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the
song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBCMIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital ofItaly?
Contestant:France.
Trelinski:Franceis another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which
country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant:Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened inDallason November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show
about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIOMANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries
inSpain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of
a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in
1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings ofEnglandhave been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ...
er ... three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIOBRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:Japan.
Searle: I didsay which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ...Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIONEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War betweenEgyptandIsraellast?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:Iceland?Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did yousayIsrael?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on November 27, 2007, 04:46:46 pm: THE FUTURE OF NURSERY RHYMES

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 28, 2007, 03:31:58 pm: A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth', he says to the owner of the farm.

'What sort of horse?' said the owner.

'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.

'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

'Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show
him the horse's ears.

'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoveshis head deep inside the horse's private parts. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 28, 2007, 04:14:22 pm: One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, ":Listen Dad, you bought the Rover, you live with it."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 28, 2007, 04:31:39 pm: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's undies.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 28, 2007, 06:10:46 pm: A little girl is about to go to bed and she says her prayers: "God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace." The next day her dog falls down, stone dead.

About a week later, she is again saying her bedtime prayers: "God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace." During school the following day, her brother drops dead.

Not many days later, she is about to go to bed and she prays: "God bless mummy and may daddy rest in peace." The next morning, her mother opens the door to find the milkman dead on the doorstep.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on November 28, 2007, 11:36:18 pm: Little 8 year old Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,

"Frank Brown showd me his willy today!"

Before mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,

"It reminded me of a peanut!!"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked

"Really small was it?"

"No!!" Sally replied,

"Salty!!!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on November 29, 2007, 02:14:49 pm: A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 30, 2007, 09:46:47 am: An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write To us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff.... Dad.... I became a prostitute....'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'

'OK, dad.... As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... An invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.... A prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.'

-

-

-

-

'Oh! Be Jesus!.... Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a big hug!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 30, 2007, 10:56:33 am: The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the

Congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide

Him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his

Salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to

Side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on November 30, 2007, 10:25:24 pm: LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'

Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?' Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.'

That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Dave sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, 'Dave what are you doing!?' To which Dave replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Chicago'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lynxd67 on December 02, 2007, 01:32:36 pm: With winter coming on I have been getting more and more depressed, virtually to the point of suicide. So in desperation I called the Samaritans, only to find that for economy's sake their call centre is now in Pakistan. I explained how depressed I was and they uttered words of encouragement. When I then explained I was feeling suicidal they got excited and asked if I could fly a plane or drive a bus.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 03, 2007, 06:11:41 pm: Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about This?"pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied,"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on December 04, 2007, 12:08:23 am: I'm into flagelation, beastiality and necrophilia!

Do you think I'm flogging a dead horse?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on December 05, 2007, 05:50:08 pm: Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the
window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona
until they both collapsed in ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping
session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The
doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks
having sex??"

Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having unusual sex, eventually admitted
that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I
thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, it's the worse case
of van aerial disease I've ever seen."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 10, 2007, 10:48:38 am: I recently bought a teddy bear for a tenner. I named it Mohamed, then sold it for 20 quid.

My question is... have I made a prophet?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 10, 2007, 06:33:55 pm: Thanks Jules for that - I'll give 'em your address for the fatwa to be delivered... :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on December 11, 2007, 01:13:33 am: Quote from: Jules G on December 10, 2007, 10:48:38 am
I recently bought a teddy bear for a tenner. I named it Mohamed, then sold it for 20 quid.

My question is... have I made a prophet?

I liked that one Jules. Any more?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 11, 2007, 01:50:43 am: A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos tonight when someone shouted, "He's behind you!"

Dx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 12, 2007, 01:11:24 pm: Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Kempsy. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on December 14, 2007, 12:41:54 pm: DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and
make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

Entire day at sea, beautiful... and saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.

Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.

He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Won £800.00 in the ship's casino.

Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.

Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined.

Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE

Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.

Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.

Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I
declined.

He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.

I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on December 16, 2007, 12:04:22 am: Getting own christmas pressie, mind what you buy!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on December 17, 2007, 08:41:57 pm: Shirts Off

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 28, 2007, 10:33:18 pm: A young couple got married, and the wife was a bit inexperienced and got a bit embarrassed, so she suggested to her new husband that they should develop a 'code' for her to use when she was 'in the mood'

Her Husband agreed, and suggested that if she was 'in the mood' she should pull it once, if she wasn't 'in the mood' she should reach down and pull if 650 times.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 28, 2007, 10:37:22 pm: What's got 4 legs and says 'boo'

A cow with a cold

What's got 4 legs and says 'AAAAA'

A sheep with no lips

What's got 8 legs and one eye?

2 chairs and half a pigs head

What's got 4 legs and one eye?

Half a spider*

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and give him a blow job

*I know spiders have lots of eyes, it's called artistic licence.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 01, 2008, 11:11:54 am: From today's emails...some were new to me...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 01, 2008, 11:12:50 am: More...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 01, 2008, 11:13:42 am: Last couple...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 03, 2008, 10:39:53 am: At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it is Wally. "Again he is ready for more action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on January 05, 2008, 01:58:57 pm: A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on January 05, 2008, 10:46:48 pm: A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 07, 2008, 11:57:14 am: Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all one pence coins"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on January 07, 2008, 10:41:29 pm: A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went
down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 10, 2008, 10:06:30 am: Taser Stun Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little, itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst' , when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
(How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garyfrogeye on January 11, 2008, 06:12:00 pm: Cruel eye test for pensioners

(http://www.chevelles.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=11463&d=1199932609)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on January 11, 2008, 11:40:51 pm: I took a girl out the other night.

She asked me to treat her like a princess so I stuck her in the back of my Mercedes and crashed it into a wall.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 12, 2008, 12:43:14 am: Two Tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments latter, the front tiger feels what seems to be the tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the other tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice on the bum?” “Yeah, sorry about that, I just ate an Accountant and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth”.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on January 12, 2008, 03:45:55 am: Quote from: jpchenet on January 10, 2008, 10:06:30 am
Taser Stun Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little, itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst' , when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
(How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Sounds like a useful Pikey remover from Bleu or an antidote to the chilli challenge. Got ant spare ones? PP
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Weena on January 12, 2008, 10:53:37 am: Quote from: Leftie on January 12, 2008, 12:43:14 am
Two Tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments latter, the front tiger feels what seems to be the tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the other tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice on the bum?” “Yeah, sorry about that, I just ate an Accountant and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth”.

I'm sure we don't all taste that bad ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 12, 2008, 03:44:25 pm: Quote from: Weena on January 12, 2008, 10:53:37 am
Quote from: Leftie on January 12, 2008, 12:43:14 am
Two Tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments latter, the front tiger feels what seems to be the tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the other tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice on the bum?” “Yeah, sorry about that, I just ate an Accountant and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth”.

I'm sure we don't all taste that bad ;)

Volunteers??? ;D 8)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Perdu on January 12, 2008, 10:41:41 pm: :D
8)
:P
:-[
:-X
:o

:angel:

well it seems it has to be done

;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 14, 2008, 01:43:08 pm: Fella's watch out for this scam.Very bad news.

This is a very dangerous scam

Scam at Shopping Centre

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at this salubrious shopping centre.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get some bits and bobs has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this scam.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 14, 2008, 01:46:35 pm: A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?'

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways ...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time, the woman turned to him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said. 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 14, 2008, 01:47:19 pm: Cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,

Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,

Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were

asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 15, 2008, 05:27:36 pm: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW 4x4?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 15, 2008, 06:39:10 pm: Jules G - quiet day at work today? ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 15, 2008, 09:29:15 pm: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis. "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbours objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front garden, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, over how many Croatians, Poles and Bosnians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

And the Lord said, "Let there be Government!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on January 15, 2008, 10:05:28 pm: In the beginning there was nothing.
And God said 'Let there be light'
There was still f**k all
But at least he could see.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 15, 2008, 11:52:43 pm: THE LADS' PRAYER

Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;

BARMEN
--------------------------------

THE GIRLIES PRAYER

Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card
And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity

AMEX
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 17, 2008, 10:38:25 am: Once upon a time, there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly, a Porsche 911 screeches to a halt beside him. A woman steps out and asks the shepherd: 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?' The shepherd agrees.

She connects a laptop to a mobile phone modem, enters the Nasa website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high-tech mini-printer. She studies the report and says to the shepherd: 'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd replies: 'That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.'

She packs up, surveys the flock and puts one in the boot. As she is about to leave, the shepherd says: 'If I can guess your profession, will you return the animal to me?' She agrees.

The shepherd says: 'You are an HR manager.'

'Correct,' says the woman, 'but how did you know?'

The shepherd replies: 'First, you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. And third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway. Now, can I have my dog back?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 18, 2008, 01:17:35 pm: GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM !!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 18, 2008, 04:36:00 pm: For all Handymen out there,

(http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=budweiser%20handyman&search=Search&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&spell=1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5aMJVau2pQ
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 19, 2008, 12:30:05 am: I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflict and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.

It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, its software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 21, 2008, 10:38:17 am: An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on January 22, 2008, 02:55:28 pm: A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me,
too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 22, 2008, 11:35:13 pm: A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.

After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."

He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket woman !"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 22, 2008, 11:51:33 pm: Excerpt from a live radio interview on a regional Welsh radio station:

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:

Interviewer: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these
children on this adventure holiday?

Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, sailing, canoeing,
archery, shooting...

Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.

Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one,
are you?

At this point, the interview was terminated.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on January 23, 2008, 11:29:51 am: Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.

Murphy said, OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.
"The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are feckin' killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 25, 2008, 08:35:26 pm: Offerings at the Church had been down the past several Sundays and the Vicar decided he had to do something to change the trend.

The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed, he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to say this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife. And if he doesn't put at least fifty pounds in the collection plate this morning, I will reveal his name."

Later, as he counted the offering, the preacher found 18 fifty-pound notes - and a twenty-pound note with a note clipped to it reading, "Hold your peace and I'll have the other thirty to you before sundown."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 27, 2008, 07:00:33 pm: Caution

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and
local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a
drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called
"Beer", is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from
taps, and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a
few units of beer and then simply ask him home for 'no
strings attached' sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific looking women (Ten Pinters) to whom
they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories
of exactly what happened to them the night before, often
with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
their savings, in a familiar scam known as "a
relationship".

It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may
even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer form of servitude and punishment known as "Marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after
Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
females.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know. If you
fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues
in every town where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 28, 2008, 06:59:03 pm: EVERTON were celebrating today after agreeing the most lucrative sponsorship deal in the club’s history.

Chief executive Keith Wyness and chief operating officer Robert Elstone were in Speke to sign a deal with Phizer the manufacturer of impotence drug Viagra that is worth £8 to the Blues, with the contract running until they move out of the city.

Viagra’s name will appear on the front of Everton’s shirts since they have only had one semi in ten years, and this ultimately ended in disappointment.

After David Moyes’ side finished in fourth place at the end of January 2008, and reached the last 32 of the UEFA Cup expectation has been raised around Woodison Park. A £2 a-year performance-related deal was agreed but the terms of the new arrangement will see Everton receive the bulk of the £8 up front and Wyness is thrilled with the terms that have been struck.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 28, 2008, 08:04:40 pm: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 28, 2008, 08:05:49 pm: A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 28, 2008, 08:08:20 pm: Letters sent to the Editor of Viz................................

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple , Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica , Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Raymond Wankybollocks
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 29, 2008, 09:48:20 am: Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his willy after his mistress found the ring in his pants
pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your wedding ring.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 29, 2008, 06:57:59 pm: A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how
it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was
never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I
miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
screwed."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on January 29, 2008, 10:17:37 pm: Why men aren't agony aunts

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 30, 2008, 12:44:32 pm: A lady walked into a Lexus Dealer Shop just to browse. Suddenly she spotted
the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect
it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather
upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she
anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales
person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing
next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that
if you farted just by touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the
price !!! ;-)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on January 31, 2008, 12:23:38 am: On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of
who the golf pro is.

'' Top of the mornin to yer, sir'' says the attendant. Tiger
nods a quick 'hello'' and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket
onto the ground.

''What are those, asks the attendant.

''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.

''Well, what on God's earth are dey for.'' inquires the
Irishman.

''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving, says
Tiger.

''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Irishman, ''BMW thinks of
everything''
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on January 31, 2008, 01:15:14 pm: MATH EXAM
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Math Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent math exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________

Nickname__________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 01, 2008, 01:19:38 am: All Drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen

Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...

What's the generic name for Viagra?

Mycoxafailin.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 01, 2008, 10:13:11 am: A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 01, 2008, 04:21:37 pm: Computers for country folk
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 03, 2008, 01:51:11 am: An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times'
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room, and he's soon going at it as well as he
can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ' How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots'.

'Three knots!' he asks, 'What's that supposed to mean ?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garyfrogeye on February 03, 2008, 09:35:56 pm: A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f**k*n blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 04, 2008, 12:34:49 am: A little boy working on his arithmetic.

The teacher says "Imagine there are 5 blackbirds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun
& shoot one . How many blackbirds are left ?"

The little boy thinks for a moment & says "NONE !"

The teacher replies, "None -- how do you get that ?"

The little boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the
fence."

The teacher replies, "Hmmmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think. !!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, can I ask you a question" ?

There are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is licking her cone, another is biting it, & the third is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married ?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably & then finally replies,

"Well I guess the one sucking her cone".

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it`s the one with the wedding ring on , but I do like

the way YOU think !!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 05, 2008, 12:34:03 am: Although I'm an Engineer and can be very Civil sometimes, my son has been sensible and became an Accountant at PwC. But, I've had a few BAD experiences with the number crunchers in the past. so here goes again.............................

Three surgeons were discussing their favourite type of patient.

The first said, “I like artists, when you cut them open, they are awash with colour inside.”

The second surgeon said, “I much prefer engineers, when you open them up, everything is orderly and numbered.”

“Nonsense,” said the third. “The easiest are Accountants, they have only two parts - their mouth and their rears - and those are interchangeable.”

*******

A fellow walks into a bar with a ten inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off his shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich.

After this goes on for two more drinks, the barman says, “Hey mate, I don’t usually pry into customers’ private affairs, but what the hell is it with that little guy?”

The customer replies, “Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a ten inch prick and the genie shrunk my Accountant.”

*******

An Engineer was taking his holidays at the seaside with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. “Darling, it was only a shark,” assured his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are Accountants everywhere.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 05, 2008, 09:25:26 am: This is really bad, I apologies in advance.........

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

His head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

BUMP.... BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

Heard the coffin speed up after him ...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

Slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

Its chase ..

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...

BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

Terrified lad.

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

The coffin ... still it came ........

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

Came......

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...

The coffin stopped.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 06, 2008, 01:25:48 am: Glens Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Glen. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed,
Glen

EDITOR'S NOTE: Glen died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 11, 2008, 11:32:02 am: Found these, Tommy Cooper Jokes (http://www.kaldorcity.com/graphics/screengrabs/tommy.jpg)

Airplane
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Bookish
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

Go for it
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Wife
My wife had a go at me last night
She said "You'll drive me to my grave"
"I had the car out in thirty seconds"

Wife
Home from work and the wife said, "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner"
I said "Don't worry-- I'll get you a new cat"

Great Driving
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

Skip
So I rang up a local building firm.
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you.'"

Bar
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Bar
A neutron walks into a bar.
"I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge.

Trousers
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Frisky
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.
So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

Luck
I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on February 11, 2008, 08:56:19 pm: Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 12, 2008, 10:26:13 am: A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

Straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have f*****g a headache."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 12, 2008, 01:46:01 pm: Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men.

'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,

'Homepride-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 13, 2008, 11:55:38 am: 12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Georgiana from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... .. Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you pro missed me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 13, 2008, 03:31:45 pm: Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his p*nis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on February 14, 2008, 08:23:17 pm: A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, 'Dad. '

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,with trembling hands. 'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure forAIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

(Call when it is safe for me to come home :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 15, 2008, 04:20:58 pm: A man walks into a bar and orders nine bottles of beer. Putting them in a row, he downs the first bottle, then the third, then the fifth, then the seventh and finally the ninth.

“Excuse me,” the bartender says as the man turns to leave. “You left four bottles untouched.”

“I know,” the man says. “My doctor says it’s okay to have the odd drink.” ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on February 15, 2008, 10:13:09 pm: A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 18, 2008, 10:29:58 am: A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they
had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her
passionately while fondling her breasts and crotch.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week......
Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 18, 2008, 12:52:59 pm: Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 18, 2008, 03:36:49 pm: A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a

woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me

bite your breasts for $100?'

'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she

does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks

again.

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again;

'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok,

just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the

most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them

and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,

burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them

or not?'

'Nah', says the little old man... 'Costs too much...'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 19, 2008, 12:32:57 am: A Doctor, an Architect and an Accountant were dining at a Country Club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The Physician offered to show his dog first, and called into the carpark “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the club house and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The Architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, :Sliderule, come!”. Sliderule ran in and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The Architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The Accountant watched the other two dogs, he then called “Bullshit, come!” Bullshit duly arrived and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, and sold the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
Title: Research on Women's moods
Post by: Kev_mk3 on February 19, 2008, 11:12:19 am: An interesting piece of research...

A recent study found that the kind of male face that a woman is
attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her
menstrual cycle.

It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man
with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to
a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep
in his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his a**e
Title: Re: Research on Women's moods
Post by: Piglet on February 19, 2008, 12:49:54 pm: Is it nearly the end of half term yet?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 19, 2008, 12:54:51 pm: Quote from: Piglet on February 19, 2008, 12:49:54 pm
Is it nearly the end of half term yet?

Regretably not :(

Kev, to save clutterring up the main General Discussion board, there's a Jokes thread for this kind of thing, (if indeed it is your opinion that this thread is possessed of an element of humour; personally I dissent). Thank you.

<merged with Jokes thread as noted above - Steve>
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on February 19, 2008, 08:00:43 pm: Summer Classes for ~~Men~~ Kev at

THE LIFE-LONG LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Feb 29, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life
Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 20, 2008, 01:07:40 am: An Engineer, a Physicist and a Quantity Surveyor were being interviewed for the position as Chief Executive Officer for a large Corporation.

The Engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is Two and Two?” The Engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing “Four”.

The Physicist was next interviewed and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the British Standards Institute, and many calculations, he returned and announced “Four”.

The Quantity Surveyor was interviewed last and was asked the same questions, At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the lamp shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices and asked, “ How much do you want it to be?”.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: geoffd on February 20, 2008, 09:51:15 am: Quote from: Leftie on February 20, 2008, 01:07:40 am
An Engineer, a Physicist and a Quantity Surveyor were being interviewed for the position as Chief Executive Officer for a large Corporation.

The Engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is Two and Two?” The Engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing “Four”.

The Physicist was next interviewed and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the British Standards Institute, and many calculations, he returned and announced “Four”.

The Quantity Surveyor was interviewed last and was asked the same questions, At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the lamp shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices and asked, “ How much do you want it to be?”.

And, so, the Quantity Surveyor got the job at Enron..... ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 20, 2008, 10:54:59 pm: A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest paths one day, when they collided at the point where the paths met. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he to had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity, he had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that One feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few minutes, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet and a fuzzy ball for a tail. I think you must be a rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, your scaly, your slimy, you’ve got beady eyes, you squirm and slither all the time and you’ve got a forked tongue. I’m sure you must be a Quantity Surveyor!”.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 21, 2008, 11:11:30 am: A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What elsedo you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 21, 2008, 01:27:59 pm: TENJEWBERRYMUDS

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.

You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for the best email of 2006.

_______________________________________

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 22, 2008, 08:48:24 pm: A woman wrote to the columnist Clare Rayner for advice. I have a dilemma. I’m about to get married, but I haven’t been totally honest with my fiancé. My mother is a well-known madam, my farther is a convict, and my brother is a Quantity Surveyor. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school, she started doing that after my farther got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem, I’m wanted in three eastern countries for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: how do I tell my fiancé about my brother being a Quantity Surveyor?.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 25, 2008, 11:13:55 pm: Greg was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized
that his wife, Mary, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her
directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Greg got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner:' Greg, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is
that correct?'

Greg: 'Yes, sir, that's correct.'

Coroner: 'I also found a golf ball wedged up her a*se.'

Greg: 'Was it a Titleist 3?'

Coroner: 'Yes, it was.'

Greg: 'That was my provisional.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 25, 2008, 11:49:15 pm: A woman went to her Doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure that it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, “ Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did.

He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said that it didn’t.

The Doctor the told here, “Well, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to become pregnant”.

The woman was mystified. She asked, “You can’t get pregnant from anal sex?”

The Doctor replied, “Of course you can, where do you think Solicitors come from”.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on February 27, 2008, 05:23:36 am: Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

" No, but I will for the faucet."

... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 27, 2008, 07:16:14 pm: What's a faucet Phil? :P
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on February 27, 2008, 09:25:16 pm: Quote from: Steve Brown on February 27, 2008, 07:16:14 pm
What's a faucet Phil? :P

And not to forget, what's pewter?? ???
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 27, 2008, 10:25:47 pm: Quote from: LangTall on February 27, 2008, 09:25:16 pm
Quote from: Steve Brown on February 27, 2008, 07:16:14 pm
What's a faucet Phil? :P

And not to forget, what's pewter?? ???

LT, check this link out.

http://www.carnmetl.demon.co.uk/pewter.htm (http://www.carnmetl.demon.co.uk/pewter.htm)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 27, 2008, 10:37:52 pm: Two Quantity Surveyors took a long safari vacation in the African bush. One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry - looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the Quantity Surveyors’ rifles were too far away to do them any good. One Quantity Surveyor began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that. The man replied, “Because I can run faster without them” The first Quantity Surveyor told him, “I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never out race that lion”. The barefooted Quantity Surveyor told him, “I don’t have to outrun the lion, I just have to outrun you”.

A certain Quantity Surveyor was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the Quantity Surveyor would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at his place, which happened to be in the Highlands of Scotland. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.

The friend eager to get a freebie off a Quantity Surveyor, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the Quantity Surveyor and his pal went to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blackberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. Well, the Quantity Surveyor, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The Quantity Surveyor ran back to his Mercedes, drove into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The Sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the Quantity Surveyor. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one !” cried the Quantity Surveyor, pointing to the male bear, while visions of a lawsuit from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting a eyelid, levelled his gun and SHOT THE FEMALE. “Whatdya do that for?” exclaimed the Quantity Surveyor. “I said he was in the other one!” “Exactly, “ replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a Quantity Surveyor who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 29, 2008, 11:10:28 am: Best Out of Office Automatic Email Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on February 29, 2008, 11:14:16 am: 5 minute management course.........

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Muzorewa on February 29, 2008, 01:13:13 pm: Quote from: Christopher on February 29, 2008, 11:14:16 am

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

No it doesn't (http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i188/Muzorewa/Smilies/fool.gif)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on March 04, 2008, 08:22:56 am: Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 04, 2008, 08:45:41 am: Pidge emailed me this one

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies:

"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.

"The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?

"Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 04, 2008, 08:48:57 pm: An engineer and a quantity surveyor met in a pub to discuss a mathematical problem.

On a table 4 metres away was a carton of beer. The problem was to reach the table, with a first step of any size, a second step of half the first, a third step half the second and so on.

Quickly the quantity surveyor said this was a geometric progression, was asymptotic to zero, and no matter how many steps you took, you'd never actually reach the table, and said it couldn't be done.

The Engineer leapt 2 metres, strode 1 metre, minced half a metre, leaned over, picked up the beer and triumphantly declared, "F___in' near enough's good enough."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 05, 2008, 04:46:53 pm: Quote from: Ferrari Spyder on March 05, 2008, 01:56:28 pm
THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED--DEFINITELY NOT FOR CHILDREN!!
(http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa34/Catchpole_clubarnage/handgun.jpg)

FS,

Nice one, can I be next?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 13, 2008, 09:50:36 am: The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 13, 2008, 09:52:16 am: A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.'
'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the f***ing poison."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on March 19, 2008, 06:34:38 pm: Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry
for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on March 20, 2008, 05:08:49 pm: With her £24m divorce settlement, Heather Mills is going to buy a plane. She'll still use a ladyshave for her other leg...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 21, 2008, 09:55:06 am: Quote from: Christopher on March 20, 2008, 05:08:49 pm

With her £24m divorce settlement, Heather Mills is going to buy a plane. She'll still use a ladyshave for her other leg...

He's going to have search high and low to find a woman to fill her shoe
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 21, 2008, 04:19:32 pm: Quote from: nickliv on March 21, 2008, 09:55:06 am
Quote from: Christopher on March 20, 2008, 05:08:49 pm

With her £24m divorce settlement, Heather Mills is going to buy a plane. She'll still use a ladyshave for her other leg...

He's going to have search high and low to find a woman to fill her shoe

She gets £24.3m and she didn't deserve a penny in my view.

As a vindictive loud mouthed gold digger htcib of the first order, she didn't have a leg to stand on.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on March 22, 2008, 11:05:13 am: (http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/eastercard.jpg)
Happy Easter one and all.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 25, 2008, 10:29:25 am: New Words for the Oxford English Dictionary

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks ( sh*t ).

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls - Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a ' McShit with Lies '.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 26, 2008, 04:19:54 pm: GET YOURSELF FIT READY FOR LE MANS.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on April 01, 2008, 10:17:40 am: Muslim Weather

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way when he said elements of Sharia Law should be introduced to British Society.

The British weather has been declared Muslim.

It's either Sunni or Shiite
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on April 01, 2008, 12:03:59 pm: A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar, and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator on the top of it's head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer, "I'll pay anyone $100 who is willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up......

"I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 01, 2008, 03:24:35 pm: MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please f ollow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 02, 2008, 09:16:24 am: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting " 13.....13.......13......!"
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks and looked through to see what all the fuss was about ..
Some little fu** r poked me in the eye with a stick !....
Then they all started shouting " 14.....14........14....!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on April 02, 2008, 10:58:40 pm: AFP - Friday, March 28 03:19 am
WELLINGTON (AFP) - A New Zealand man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he had been raped by a wombat and the experience had caused him to start speaking "Australian".

Arthur Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker from Motueka on South Island, rang police on February 11 to say he was being raped by the slow moving Australian marsupial at his home, The Nelson Mail reported.

He rang back soon afterwards to say he was withdrawing his complaint against the wombat, a court was told Wednesday.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," he told police in the second call.

Cradock pleaded guilty to using a phone for a fictitious purpose and was sentenced to 75 hours community work.

Prosecutors said alcohol played a large part in Cradock's life, although his defence lawyer said he was not drunk on the afternoon of the phone calls
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 03, 2008, 09:12:59 am: Quote from: Ian.. on April 02, 2008, 10:58:40 pm
AFP - Friday, March 28 03:19 am
WELLINGTON (AFP) - A New Zealand man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he had been raped by a wombat and the experience had caused him to start speaking "Australian".

Arthur Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker from Motueka on South Island, rang police on February 11 to say he was being raped by the slow moving Australian marsupial at his home, The Nelson Mail reported.

He rang back soon afterwards to say he was withdrawing his complaint against the wombat, a court was told Wednesday.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," he told police in the second call.

Cradock pleaded guilty to using a phone for a fictitious purpose and was sentenced to 75 hours community work.

Prosecutors said alcohol played a large part in Cradock's life, although his defence lawyer said he was not drunk on the afternoon of the phone calls

Too many space cakes me thinks... ::)

Dx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 03, 2008, 11:05:45 am: Terminal 5
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 03, 2008, 04:38:20 pm: A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts,

'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!'

The man replies,

'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The game keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you get more that way!!!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 05, 2008, 09:12:52 pm: From a recently retired pensioners perspective -

I ended up with an younger woman at a club last night. She looked pretty
good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever
had a "Sportsman's Double?".

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, "no, I haven't."

And I wondered again what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink that "Tonight was my lucky night".

We went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Mum, you still awake?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 07, 2008, 12:36:58 pm: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tell a woman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Well I guess that's about it then eh?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 07, 2008, 04:30:28 pm: A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.... How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.' ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 07, 2008, 05:34:12 pm: Mejia was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow , Pink and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
' Yellow ' , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on April 08, 2008, 02:55:28 pm: A funny confectionary story...

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down her Bourneville via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a yelp of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 09, 2008, 11:26:35 am: A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap .... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies.........'

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 09, 2008, 04:11:47 pm: (http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/arsenal.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 15, 2008, 03:05:00 pm: After her success in the UK Junior Hide and Seek Championships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on the current European Champion Madeleine McCann
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 15, 2008, 03:10:00 pm: Rumour has it that McCartney decided to divorce Heather Mills when he realised that the best he could hope for was a solitary leg over.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on April 15, 2008, 05:27:10 pm: Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on
gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years
before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women
still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's
vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even
further back behind their husbands and are happy to
maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and
asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom
that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and
without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on April 15, 2008, 05:30:46 pm: Quote from: nickliv on April 15, 2008, 03:10:00 pm
Rumour has it that McCartney decided to divorce Heather Mills when he realised that the best he could hope for was a solitary leg over.

Have heard that she is buying a new plane with the divorce money.

But she will still use Imac on the other leg.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 15, 2008, 05:36:08 pm: He's going to have to search high and low to find a woman to fill her shoe.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 16, 2008, 11:19:17 am: Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, Dad, what's love - juice?
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about $ex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, So what were you watching?
Billy says; Wimbledon .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 16, 2008, 03:38:04 pm: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 17, 2008, 09:21:31 am: There's a new Barbie on the market.

It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm - It's called Zimbarbie.

She has a pet cow – Mooogarbie.......

8)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on April 17, 2008, 11:40:13 am: You also know the most expensive barbie ever?

It's called divorce barbie. It's so expensive because it comes with Kens car, Kens boat, Kens house....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on April 17, 2008, 10:24:39 pm: Five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, from Manchester, said :

'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'

The second, from Birmingham, responded :

'Yeah, but you should try electricians - everything is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Edinburgh said :

'No, I really think librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Belfast , chimed in :

'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'

But the fifth surgeon, from London , shut them all up when he observed :

'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the mouth and the arsehole are interchangeable.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 18, 2008, 09:32:41 am: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 18, 2008, 10:07:52 am: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 18, 2008, 10:10:21 am: An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

" I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. "
" I am 96 " said the old man . " I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pi$$ on my slippers. "
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 18, 2008, 10:11:59 am: A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 21, 2008, 11:51:06 am: Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides from the plane to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are then driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six spirited white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two heads of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things which even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 21, 2008, 12:48:56 pm: Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!'

Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on der first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda!--- It's a dang good ting I didn't get the WD-40.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on April 21, 2008, 02:46:01 pm: THE WONDERS OF MODERN MEDICINE

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in six
weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we
can take a lung out of one person, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so
advanced, we can take half a heart from one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work
in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We
can take an arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10
Downing Street and have half the country looking for
work within twenty-four hours
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mikemg on April 22, 2008, 09:55:02 am: received a letter from my grandmother last week. She is eighty-eight years
old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Gavin,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy junction, just lost in thought about the
Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It
is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God!
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!"
What an exuberant Cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and I started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Margate back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another guy waving in a funny way.. with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. I asked your cousin George in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Zulu good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Zululand, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. George burst out laughing... why, even he
was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so
caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and
started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at
all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the junction.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the junction before the light
changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them. After all the
love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave
them all the Zulu good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonders.

Love, Grandma
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 22, 2008, 08:57:16 pm: A Client, being a Quantity Surveyor, was trying to find funding for a project, he called in his Engineer to assist with the calculations. When completed, they approached the Bank Manager.

For this occasion they all chose to hire a boat and travel to the middle of the harbour to discuss the matter in secrecy.

When an initial agreement of base rate plus 2% was made, the Bank Manager got up and said he was going to get some drinks, stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bar. Purchased the drinks and walked back to the boat.

The Quantity Surveyor was in awe over this.

On completion of the business the Engineer went to get the drinks, he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to return with the drinks. Again the Quantity Surveyor was in awe of this action.

When the signatures were placed on the agreement, the Quantity Surveyor promptly stood up and stated it was his round. He stepped out of the boat only to sink to the bottom.

The Bank Manager said to the Engineer, “don’t you think we should have told him about the stepping stones”?

The Engineer replied.. “ What stepping stones”?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 23, 2008, 07:00:02 am: A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg (http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 23, 2008, 08:17:52 pm: Funny ;D taken off Beermountain, but what the hell, share and share alike.

http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 24, 2008, 03:14:34 am: Quote from: Steve Brown on April 23, 2008, 07:00:02 am
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg (http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg)

Brilliant Steve,

Was she by any chance from Essex?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 24, 2008, 10:39:18 am: Quote from: Leftie on April 24, 2008, 03:14:34 am

Brilliant Steve,

Was she by any chance from Essex?

Oi. I live near Colchester (which is in Essex!)

(http://www.shopatmoxie.com/mm5/graphics/00000001/shitlist_300.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 24, 2008, 12:12:21 pm: Quote from: Steve Brown on April 24, 2008, 10:39:18 am
Quote from: Leftie on April 24, 2008, 03:14:34 am

Brilliant Steve,

Was she by any chance from Essex?

Oi. I live near Colchester (which is in Essex!)

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 24, 2008, 02:05:18 pm: Another name on the list :P
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on April 24, 2008, 02:07:51 pm: Quote from: BOB U on April 23, 2008, 08:17:52 pm
Funny ;D taken off Beermountain, but what the hell, share and share alike.

http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv

Thank you for posting Bob. Probably the funniest thing I've seen on all 104 pages of this thread.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 25, 2008, 09:51:18 pm: For all you Star Wars fans out their......................................oh and lovers of organic food :laugh:

http://www.terre.tv/indexvod.php?case=1&ref=00151
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 27, 2008, 01:12:24 am: Well apparently Humphrey Littleton has died, of Sorry I haven't A Clue and other stuff. I got this news from another forum which led me to a (long) page of quotes (and proposed quotes) from the show over the years about Samantha, the (apparently fictional) scorer. They are hilarious - see http://www.g0akh.f2s.com/isihac/While_Samantha_Page.php for the lot.

Examples:

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now, as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she might have an Old Man's Beard in her bush...

Samantha has successfully auditioned for yet another part in The Bill; she'll be a poker player in an illegal big-stakes game. With the tension high, her opponent tosses in his hand when she shows him her pair of aces...

Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs...

...Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow, who's brought over a variety of caviars and a rare vodka-based apperitif. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in her hotel room, and then liqour out on the balcony...

...Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's meeting her new gentleman friend at the local hospital where he's an anaesthetist. He's promised to introduce her to some of his patients, and later on Samantha is hoping he'll let her help him knock one out...

...Samantha needs to nip out now as she has to buy a present for her new gentleman friend, who likes to play with his model boats at bathtime. Samantha says she's thought about him long and hard, and decided to give him a little tug for his birthday...

...Samantha has to nip out now, as she's off to meet a gentleman friend who's helping her restore some old furniture. She's just purchased an antique chest of drawers which her friend says has suffered from having candles placed on it. Samantha says she's looking forward to stripping her new tall boy while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her...

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now, as she's off to see her new gentleman friend who's put on a little extra weight round the middle lately. He has some pretty wild theories to explain it, but Samantha says she can just about see where he's coming from...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on April 27, 2008, 04:07:02 pm: Didier Drogba has been banned from attending Frank Lampard's Mum's funeral.

Apparently they are worried he will dive in the box.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 29, 2008, 10:25:24 am: After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ade on April 30, 2008, 08:48:22 am: A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting
a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his
pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks
the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town......
where the girls are."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Muzorewa on April 30, 2008, 09:33:59 am: Some more from Humphrey Littleton........

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.

Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.

Samantha is off just now to her vehicle maintenance evening class where she says she's keen to strip down a little Austin for a full service.

Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingly, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.

Samantha is off to sample some beers and whiskies at the Radio 2 party. She says she expects to enjoy having a pint and a stiff Johnny Walker chaser.

Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.

Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.

Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.

Samantha has to leave us now as she's off out for a lovely meal with a new chef friend who's laying on a traditional shellfish evening. She says she's really looking forward to enjoying his special cockle night.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as she has a meeting with the builder who gave her the lowest estimate for some work. She says she was pleased to see his tender won, but was startled when it suddenly grew to twice the size.

Samantha has to nip off now as she's doing a fashion makeover on a gentleman friend. Yesterday she says she helped him choose new shoes, and was delighted to bend over to tie his laces as he tried a pair with a crape sole and felt upper.

Samantha tells me she needs to leave now as she's been nursing two elderly gentlemen who have been suffering from bed sores for some time. She says they like her to go in regularly to inspect their old chaps for any sign of improvement, and last week she had both of them up and out and waving through the window.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now to meet her new gentleman friend, who's an avid collector of rare beetles. She says he has an incredible Longhorn which he's keeping in a shoebox for her. He told her that if you tickle it it jumps out half way across the table.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she has a cookery lesson with her new chef gentleman friend, who's been teaching her cake decoration. He has all sorts of professional kitchen equipment, and as Samantha is having trouble keeping enough pressure on her icing dispenser for complete coverage, he's promised to show her how to squeeze his hard on to the top of the cake.

Samantha has to leave now as she's hosting a traditional Cockney music and dance night with a pearly king and queen at a nearby pub. All the locals are saying they can't wait to see her knees up round the King's Head.

Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's off to see her personal trainer for a fitness demonstration. She says she's looking forward to him showing how he gets the fat down and pounds off in front of her.

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now to meet two young vicar friends who've promised to exorcise a poltergeist from her flat. They say they're looking forward to stopping her furniture flying round the room and giving her the willies.

Samantha is something of a keen horse woman, and she tells me that she's off to see a trainer who's offered her the chance of a couple of races he wants her to contest. She's quite excited, as he's prepared to drop his jockeys to enter her at Newmarket.

Samantha tells me that she has to nip off to a special Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, who's name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She's certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 01, 2008, 09:42:44 am: Quote from: Andy Zarse on April 30, 2008, 07:56:58 pm
.

Ahem..............................

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.1530

;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 01, 2008, 12:27:05 pm: Quote from: jpchenet on May 01, 2008, 09:42:44 am
Quote from: Andy Zarse on April 30, 2008, 07:56:58 pm
.

Ahem..............................

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.1530

;)

:-[
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 01, 2008, 05:14:46 pm: Things Getting You Down?

Well Then, Consider These.............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m. , regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part- time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are You O. K. Now? - No!

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now you're Feeling Better!!!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on May 02, 2008, 09:15:01 pm: A journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Frittles daughter, Alice. 'Alice' he replied. Who the f*ck is Alice. For 24 years........ I've been living next door to Alice?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on May 02, 2008, 09:20:08 pm: The number of Stag-do's booking up for Austria has dropped dramatically now that it is apparent the fathers really DO lock up their daughters ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on May 05, 2008, 07:24:48 pm: The Austrians believe a woman is like a fine wine ;- best left to mature in a cellar for a few years.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ade on May 05, 2008, 09:28:29 pm: HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT:

The following is an actual question given on a university chemistry mid term.

The answer by one (1) student was so "profound" that the professor shared it w/colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands & heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

1st we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell & the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions & since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth & death rates as they are, we can expect the # of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature & pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

That gives two (2) possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature & pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature & pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep w/you," & take into account the fact that I slept w/her last night, then #2 must be true, & thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic & has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls & is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!!!"

THIS STUDENT REC'D AN A+
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on May 06, 2008, 12:47:42 am: Quote from: ajw on May 05, 2008, 09:28:29 pm
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT:

THIS STUDENT REC'D AN A+

Brilliant ajw, just proves that real life is humorous.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on May 06, 2008, 09:14:39 am: Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out………

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mike(liverpool boys) on May 06, 2008, 11:58:15 am: Quote from: nickliv on May 06, 2008, 09:14:39 am
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out………

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mD6tV0YQXVs

I should put an advisory on this as theres a bit of swearing :P
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on May 07, 2008, 09:52:32 am: .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on May 08, 2008, 04:18:18 pm: Just bought Elisabeth Fritzl's diary off e-bay. Boring as f**k!

Mon: Stayed in
Tues: Stayed in
Weds: Stayed in
Thurs: Stayed in
Fri: Stayed in
Sat: Stayed in
Sun: Stayed in. Got a shag though.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: paulydee on May 08, 2008, 10:11:44 pm: Man and woman driving home on a cold, rainy winter’s night. They run over a badger, so quickly stop, get out and check it. It’s still alive, but freezing cold.

Man says “Put it between your legs to warm it up”.

Woman says “But it’s all wet and it stinks”.

Man replies “Well, hold it’s bloody nose then”.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on May 15, 2008, 04:36:43 pm: Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers befor eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested
HAROLD: A teacher?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on May 26, 2008, 12:37:30 pm: Quote from: Andy Zarse on May 01, 2008, 12:27:05 pm
Quote from: jpchenet on May 01, 2008, 09:42:44 am
Quote from: Andy Zarse on April 30, 2008, 07:56:58 pm
.

Ahem..............................

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.1530

;)

:-[
Andy Smile. Your Bank Holiday found this for me.

http://b3ta.com/andyzarse.html

t
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 29, 2008, 11:01:06 am: A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 29, 2008, 11:03:23 am: The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major replied, ' when I last saw them they were hanging off a barbed wire fence in Basra .'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 30, 2008, 06:11:15 pm: A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain sh*t in our garden."

Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 30, 2008, 06:12:07 pm: A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 -
and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,
Why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 01, 2008, 11:36:03 am: A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 02, 2008, 10:34:40 am: A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?'she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says:

'Because I am the goalie'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 02, 2008, 11:04:42 pm: Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 03, 2008, 12:13:21 pm: Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three are to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for Lunch.

The engaged Woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night Long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married Woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on June 03, 2008, 03:00:03 pm: A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on June 03, 2008, 03:04:29 pm: The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson,
Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B , Braintree.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ***: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond ****yb *** cks

If it's true what they say, 'Once you pop, you can't stop', why are Pringles tubes resealable?
A Bean, Sudbury

There's no pleasing my wife, she complains when I leave the toilet seat up, she complains when I leave it down and piss all over it.
Jon, Leeds

Please can you help me? I can't seem to think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in.
Leo Stitch, email
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Douglas on June 03, 2008, 04:46:10 pm: Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 03, 2008, 09:43:35 pm: BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: Ah....At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane: Do you want me to leave?
John: NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane: Do you love me?
John: Of course. Always have and always will.
Jane: Have you ever cheated on me?
John: NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane: Will you kiss me?
John: Every chance I get.
Jane: Will you hit me?
John: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Jane: Can I trust you?
John: Yes
Jane: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE

Read from the bottom back up to the top
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 03, 2008, 09:50:20 pm: Having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than a century ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly afterwards headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later "The Kerryman" reported that "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on June 05, 2008, 10:27:06 am: (http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/cid_000d01c8c686a8a71a606f01a8c0Fre.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on June 05, 2008, 04:40:33 pm: Q: Why did Princess Diana Cross the road?

A: She didnt wear her seat belt
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 05, 2008, 10:58:13 pm: One morning at the office, one Quantity Surveyor looked at the other and said, “Wow, you look really terrible this morning.” The other Quantity Surveyor replied, “Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning, and no matter what I try, I can’t seem to get rid of it.” The first Quantity Surveyor told him, “Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time for me.” Later that afternoon, the two Quantity Surveyors met again. The first told the second, “You know, you look 100% better than this morning.” The second replied, “Yeah, that was a great piece of advice you gave me. You’ve got a beautiful house too.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on June 06, 2008, 07:01:12 am: What have clouds and women got in common?

When they f@&* off it's generally a better day
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 19, 2008, 10:44:19 am: I'm gutted - someone's just smashed into my car with one of those new Skoda's, there's marzipan, syrup and sponge everywhere!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 19, 2008, 10:46:12 am: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What Happened, what's the hold up?'

Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and Alistair Darling,have all been kidnapped.

They are asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'>
>
>
>
>
>
>

It’s coming!
>
>
>
>

'About a gallon!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on June 19, 2008, 11:36:40 pm: A bloke loses an ear in a fight and is referred to the specialist at the hospital to have a donor ear transplanted.

When he gets there, the consultant said that he’s out of human ears bit could do a fair job with a pigs ear. He fetches one from the lab, and says that he could trim the pointy bit off and shave the hairs and nobody would no the difference – and the patient wouldn’t have to wait as he could do the op the following day so the bloke agrees.

After 6 months, the patient comes back for a final check up and confirms the donor ear has not been rejected, stitches have healed and everything seems fine.

The doc asks him if his hearing is OK and the bloke says – yes perfect but now and again he regularly gets a bit of

>>>……crackling.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 20, 2008, 01:25:37 am: The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike....'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board....'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on June 20, 2008, 04:48:12 pm: CATHOLIC MOTHERS

Even if you didn't grow up Catholic, you'll appreciate this one....

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are.
The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my
son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?'
She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4', hard bodied, well hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God....'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gordonwr on June 21, 2008, 06:19:04 pm: A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 21, 2008, 11:21:56 pm: An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 23, 2008, 09:29:04 pm: The Labour Party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects their political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr!cks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being f!!*ed!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on June 24, 2008, 05:44:11 pm: Man drives down a lane, woman driving up the same lane.
They pass each other slowly and man winds down window and shouts F**KIN FAT COW.
Woman yells back at him F**KIN BALD PR1*K.
Woman then drives around the corner and crashes into a huge cow and dies.

If women would only bloody listen.........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on June 25, 2008, 12:55:57 pm: Interesting quiz answers......

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er...
er ... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on June 25, 2008, 07:52:33 pm: More from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue...

As is customary, Samantha spent some time down in the gramaphone library earlier, fetching the hit singles she's chosen. She's become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They've recently gone part time, so Samantha's come to a working arrangement - she does the paperwork, Arthur gets her 45s out and Jack's off all afternoon.
__________________________________________________________

As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
__________________________________________________________
As ever, Samantha spent several hours down in the gramaphone archive, giving the teams' discs a trial spin on the library record deck. The nice old archivists have recently have recently been a bit worried about their early vinyl collection getting scratched, so Samantha ordered them a new mat for the turntable. She said they were very excited at the thought of getting felt under their old 7 inches.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha nipped out to the gramaphone earlier, and as the eager assistants down there suspected she might be a country music lover, they got out every Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson record available: well in my experience she's always been a big fan of Willie's and now she's got to work her way through a complete box set of Johnny's.
__________________________________________________________
As is traditional on these occasions, Samantha went along to the gramaphone library earlier to collect the teams' records. It's pitch black down there, so Samantha and the elderly archivist have taken to searching the shelves by candle light, which can be messy, so while Samantha passes down the discs, the nice man holds the ladder while he cleans the dust and wax off in the dark.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha has to nip out to take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha tells us she's off to a gourmet evening where her favourite French chef has prepared a nine course dinner. Looking at the menu, she says she's not so keen on some of his traditional dishes, but she spotted something tempting between the frogs legs.
__________________________________________________________
So, while Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of winkles in cider.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera where she's been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might to for a tenor.
__________________________________________________________
As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha spends many long hours with the two kindly old gramaphone archivists who, as is usual when we visit a seaside town, she's brought along for a day out. As they're particulary keen on the local seafoods, Samantha treats them to a special meal and they both sit in eager anticipation as Samantha flits about with her hostess trolley and hands round their winkles.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha spends so much time down in the gramaphone library researching this that she's been asked to take over as the new supervisor. Her first task is a complete staff reorganisation and to allocate new duties to the nice old archivists. They say that when she's finished her assessment they're hoping Samantha will give them a group presentation in the conference room and then hand jobs out in the office.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on June 25, 2008, 10:01:41 pm: A man who laughed too hard at a comedian on TV ended up being pepper sprayed at his home by UK police and spending the night naked in a cell.

Chris Cocker, 36, from Blackburn, laughed so hard while watching BBC TV's Have I Got News For You that he fell off the sofa, the BBC reported.

For more see -

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4583215a4560.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on June 26, 2008, 12:58:59 pm: Apologies in advance....

Why wedding dresses are white....

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on June 26, 2008, 02:10:06 pm: Humph:

"The next game is called Sound Charades. It's a specially adapted wireless version of the TV classic Give Us A Clue, where panellists used to mime the titles of books, songs or films. The master of the genre was undoubtedly Lionel Blair, and who will ever forget him, exhausted and on his knees, finishing off An Officer And A Gentleman in under two minutes?"

Don’t think we’ve had these yet:

"In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section."

"Samantha spent many hours in conversation with the BBC gramophone library research staff for this round, deliberating over the fine old 7-inchers they presented for inspection. She says before deciding which she was going to spin she had to think about each one long and hard."

"Samantha has to nip out again to see an elderly lord who regularly complains to Radio 4 about their parliamentary coverage. She says she thinks he’s even going to start getting a little hard on Today in Parliament."

"Samantha has got to go off early to meet an entomologist friend who’s been showing her his collection of winged insects. They’ve already covered his bees and wasps and tonight she’s hoping to go through his flies."

"Samantha spent hours in the gramophone archive selecting the discs. You know, she gets fed up with comments about the way she ‘checks the seven-inchers’ or ‘twists my knob’. She says she tries to take no notice of the critics, but it isn’t easy to ignore her knockers."

"Samantha’s just started keeping bees and already has three dozen or so. She says she’s got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He’ll carefully take out her 38 bees and soon have them flying round his head."

"After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst’s beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider."

"Samantha is looking forward to going out for an ice cream with her Italian gentleman friend. She says she’s looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan."

"Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he’ll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up the ladder."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 26, 2008, 09:31:46 pm: An Australian, an Irishman and a Manc are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Manc who says, 'F*** off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 26, 2008, 09:32:49 pm: A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 26, 2008, 09:37:02 pm: Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 26, 2008, 09:38:43 pm: The Bathtub Test:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bath.'

'Oh, of course,' said the visitor. 'Any normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 26, 2008, 09:40:20 pm: Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Scroll down………………………

Wait for it…………..

Sum Ting Wong ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Risky on June 27, 2008, 01:36:04 am: Liverpool - European Capital of Culture
I went last week and when I got back to the car it was up on books.

I'll get my coat.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 27, 2008, 09:48:51 pm: Jules, you've been busy lately mate.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on June 30, 2008, 05:31:45 pm: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 01, 2008, 12:00:34 pm: In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on July 02, 2008, 10:22:39 am: Why Its Important to Understand English.......

I had some Euros I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me -- an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pown fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on July 02, 2008, 10:51:34 am: De: Dégoûté de Guildford
A: L’Editeur, Le Telegraph

Monsieur,
J’étais dégoûté de reader dans plusieurs newspapiers et magazines que très few peuple peuvent parler le français comme quoi je peux. Et que nos enfants sont les plus lazy petits gits sur la planète.
Inévitablement, c’est toute la fault de notre Gouvernement, le Nouveau Labeur, Mr. Antoine B. Liar, Mr. Jean Presque-Ott, Mr. David Blanquette et tous les autres retards. Pas many jeune people aspirent à être les teachers nowajours, cos ils ne wantent pas être beaten up ou killed dans le playground pendant le break. La crème de notre yoof anglais ne speak pas even Anglais proprement, mais nous can changer tout that.

Je propose Mr. Ali G. pour Secrétaire d’Education. Quel rôle-modèle pour nos kids. Un monsieur refined, intelligent, sympathique, en touche avec les feelings de nos enfants, un monsieur pas frightened à asker les questions nous tous wantons à knower les answers à. Par example, “Avez vous ever tried feminism? Vous savez? Avec une girlfriend?” Ou, toutes les questions il askait Posh et Becks dans l’interview sur “Rouge Nez Jour”. C’est on par avec les interviewing skills du tard Sir Rougegorge Jour.
Imaginez Prime Ministre’s Question Temps:
Mr. G: “Will the droîte honorable membre tellez la maison OÙ Leo était conceived? À Balmoral? Le droîte honorable membre (sic) a fait le business avec la old boiler sous la Reine’s roof? C’est treasonable. Non, non, pas très reasonable, vous fool”.
Mr. Parleur: “Ordure, ordure.”
Imaginez also que Mr. G. et Mr. Presqu-Ott peuvent understand each autre, ‘cos ils parlent la Reine’s Anglais.
Mr. Presqu-Ott: “Je suis gutted.”
Mr. G: “Vous meanez guttered.”
Mr. Presqu-Ott: “Non, gutted. J’ai eu le liposuction.”
Mr. G: “Demandez l’argent back. Vous was robbed.”

So, vous voyez, nous must bring les languages à life pour stimuler nos kids. (Vous pouvez aller à jail pour stimulatant kids, vous savez? –Ed.) Every famille doît avoir une French au pair girl pour teacher le français aux kids (et Papa). Et après, quand vous parlez parfait français, vous can have des au pairs Hollandaise, Belge, Italienne, Español, Norwegienne, German et Swedish. Vous neederez à learner les mots très commonly usé en France: “Divorce Notaire”.

Nous must also teacher les kids le culture de nos neighbours européan, les arts, le history et le gastronomie. Nous must explain que c’est quite normal que les francais mangent quoi ils trouvent dans le jardin, des alouettes, pigeons, thrushes, escargots, grenouilles et slugs avec plenty de garlic beurre. Pas à mention les livers de Jemima Puddle Canard. Des stomachs de varieux animals. Des prairie huitres.
Ils sont presque as dégoûtant as the Ecossais avec leur haggis. Ne forgettez pas que les français et les ecossais sont old amis. Ils used to ganger up contre les anglais – “La Auld Alliance”- pour beater le m*rde hors de them. Ah, oui, vous neederez aussi une au pair écossaise.
So, là vous l’avez, pas si difficile si vous puttez votre mind à it.
À next semaine, quand je vous learnerai plus de cette langue magnifique.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on July 02, 2008, 11:07:50 am: Tres amusing (pour une french) ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 02, 2008, 03:47:55 pm: WHAT TIME IS IT?

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hel_l -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% o f the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 03, 2008, 12:38:51 am: Quote from: Werner on July 02, 2008, 03:47:55 pm

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% o f the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Mr. Branson, I hope you're reading this. You were nearly there with the Massage girls all in white. Were they Virgins as well?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on July 03, 2008, 11:22:14 am: A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. she puts her lover in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '£750'
man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy -'£1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on July 07, 2008, 12:11:06 pm: A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER : $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 08, 2008, 04:44:51 pm: Just a Tap on the Shoulder....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me'. The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 08, 2008, 07:44:14 pm: Ref: Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

....................................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on July 09, 2008, 10:55:41 am: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published! By court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 10, 2008, 12:50:11 am: Just goes to show that real humour if seen everyday in life.

(http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa64/jjkt15/family_planning_1____BK.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 10, 2008, 12:51:47 am: A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
''What was that for?' he asks.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name
Mary-Ellen written on it,' she replies.

'Don't be silly,' he says. 'Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She seems satisfied and at this apologises.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again
'what was that for?!'

Your f---king horse phoned.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 10, 2008, 12:57:41 am: How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Ignore constant hissing from cat. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.& nbsp; Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of whisky. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sh*^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of whisky. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any dogs.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: iomac on July 12, 2008, 03:31:17 pm: Have just found a rich vein of humour that kept me entertained for a while and so I thought I would share it!

I thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done for mining that rich vein of humour. As you can see, I left all the best ones in. smokie :police:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 13, 2008, 11:52:51 am: A bank robber is leaving the scene of his crime when he notices one of the bank’s customers, who he told all to face the floor, is looking straight at him. “You’ve seen my face” the thief said, “I’ll have to kill you” and he then shot the man.

At that he spots another of the customers quickly looking away. “You too” he said and shot the second customer. “Has anyone else looked?” the robber asked.

A man from the back, still facing the ground called out “I think my wife caught a glimpse of you!”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 13, 2008, 11:57:58 am: Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on July 13, 2008, 12:22:29 pm: Quote from: Papa Eric
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

I once confused my sleeping pills with my Viagra and had 40 w@nks!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 14, 2008, 12:37:44 am: The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 14, 2008, 12:40:57 am: Can someone tell me why there is only ONE Monopolies Commission!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on July 14, 2008, 11:05:11 am: Quote from: Leftie on July 14, 2008, 12:40:57 am
Can someone tell me why the is only ONE Monopolies Commission!!!

And why is 'abbreviated' such a long word.

You live and learn, then you die and forget it all.

You can't have evertyhing, I mean, where would you put it?

I'm going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on July 14, 2008, 05:00:24 pm: If you describe something as 'undescribable'....haven't you just described it?

Who put an 's' in lisp?

Why is dyslexic so difficult to spell?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 15, 2008, 04:00:45 pm: A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on July 16, 2008, 03:33:21 pm: Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brad Zarse on July 16, 2008, 07:43:22 pm: Quote from: Kpy on July 16, 2008, 03:33:21 pm
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Topical.....
:)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 20, 2008, 01:42:28 am: How many cars can you fit under a Mini Skirt.......................

keep thinking.......................................

1000 Corsairs and one Red Mini!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 20, 2008, 10:27:40 pm: This is a really bad one but what the hell.....................

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and excited by the extra
drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint
and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'.

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds attending and the barman is making more money in
one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman' whilst smiling and acknowledging the tributes of
the masses.

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, me old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd goes silent as the the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion
Toastie'.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says 'Are you sure I will like it?'

The masses await in stunned silence.

The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.

'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie'.

The pub erupts with cheers as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, waves to the crowd and leaves....never to return!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who had
only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time.
As he is cleaning down the empty pub, he sees a small white form
floating above the bar 'Who are you' he queries.

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'
comes the reply.

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Crowds
came to see you and this place was famous'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.

The barman says 'On your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese
Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.

The barman said 'You never returned - what happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'OH NO!' said the barman,'what from'.

After a short pause. The rabbit said........

'MIXIN-ME-TOASTIES'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 23, 2008, 03:32:58 pm: In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 28, 2008, 03:04:58 pm: Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f**k*ng chain letters sent to me
by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead
will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I 'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep
for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD
and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

f**k 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being
will somehow receive a penny from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.

I don't f**k*ng care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of you r life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been
tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5p per letter
he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly
P.S: Send me 15 quid and then f**k off!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 31, 2008, 06:38:37 pm: Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued

custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in

Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and

randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to

go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor

leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in

an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what

happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a

carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing

department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring

sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she

could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just

leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;

used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen

knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the

antidepressants were.

10.. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously,

loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised

the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when

people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the

loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's

those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the

door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no

toilet paper in here.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 06, 2008, 02:37:46 pm: Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The 'iTit' will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on August 07, 2008, 09:39:59 am: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HA P P Y!!!'

'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 14, 2008, 10:00:19 am: The Blonde in the Casino.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and Yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 14, 2008, 10:01:56 am: The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute' said the Pope. 'You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church'.

'This picture is my lottery win' said the photographer. 'I'll be financially secure for life'.

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

'That looks like a really good camera' she said 'how much did it cost you?'

'Two million dollars' replied the Pope.

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS!' said the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 14, 2008, 10:02:41 am: Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 14, 2008, 04:47:05 pm: The Five Minute Management Lesson

1:A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
=0 A
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm
129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson
3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you jus t one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson &nb sp;5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: firefly on August 15, 2008, 01:31:34 am: am not sponsered by Tesco but Beats the grapefruit diet and more nutritious than the Cambridge anyway .!

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid *** ..........why else would I buy dog food?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 15, 2008, 03:05:05 pm: A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now she was starting to smile.

'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again they all answered 'No!'

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE FLIPPIN DEAD YA
MUPPET' (I IMPROVISE SLIGHTLY
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 26, 2008, 05:07:27 pm: A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 26, 2008, 05:07:38 pm: What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 26, 2008, 06:35:11 pm: Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on August 28, 2008, 10:20:47 am: A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 02, 2008, 11:16:41 am: Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Gary Glitter were on board the Titanic when she hit the iceberg.

"Save the children" shouts Geldof.

"f**k the children" yells Ozzy.

"Have we got time" asks Glitter.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 03, 2008, 02:32:15 pm: A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: firefly on September 03, 2008, 11:24:43 pm: New York
- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values.'

They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to
every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the President.
Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 04, 2008, 02:55:08 pm: An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father, never having seen a lift, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room, the walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ... "Go get your mother..."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on September 04, 2008, 11:32:04 pm: An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is
very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week
after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his
'tool' covered with bright green and purple freckles.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in
two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says 'I've got
bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little
perplexed and says 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc'.
The doctor answers 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your 'tool'. The man screams in horror
'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies 'Well,
it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more
about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims 'Ah yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.
The guy says to the doctor 'Yeah yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs 'Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh Thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes' says the Chinese doctor 'You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 05, 2008, 02:16:27 pm: 4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on September 05, 2008, 02:39:12 pm: Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizens home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit,smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments
on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks
'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?' 'SEX!!' he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart,you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says,'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred,who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident,
Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled,'You two-timing creep! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?!'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
'Parkinson's'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on September 16, 2008, 07:18:26 pm: A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and a Scotsman from Glasgow were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.The Scotsman fumed, 'What's we' those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honour of these brave souls'!!

The Scotsman said, 'Why can't they f*ckin' play at night?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 17, 2008, 10:42:03 am: Molly the camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane se x with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on September 17, 2008, 07:59:16 pm: just one of those days.......

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, sweetheart.

XXX -

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 19, 2008, 11:30:07 am: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.

'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 22, 2008, 12:40:39 pm: If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on September 23, 2008, 08:54:14 pm: A funny beer advert from Brazil

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

Let the site open, your see the flash lady complete

In the
1st box put your name
2nd box - a girls name

(or if your vain put your name in both boxes - ;D)

skip the other boxes

and then press - Visualizar !

And watch the show . - :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2008, 11:56:49 pm: Must be good - the T Mobile Content Lock prevents me opening it!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 25, 2008, 01:25:13 pm: Abu Hamza novelty key holder.......

(http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/AB.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 26, 2008, 12:09:24 pm: Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,'
says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f**k off the car'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on September 26, 2008, 06:05:16 pm: I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No. this is my first time'.

She unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was . 'Just a minute,' she said and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on OK?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on September 26, 2008, 09:41:35 pm: Quote from: Papa Eric on September 26, 2008, 06:05:16 pm
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

Nice one Eric.

I thought it was going to like my first time.

After summoning up the courage to ask for a packet of condoms the Lady behind the counter said.

"Sorry we don't sell them. Have you tried Boots?"

I replied "Look lady I want to F**k her brains out not Kick her to death.

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on September 27, 2008, 01:05:39 pm: Paddy Murphy died and was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls
and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of
Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's alright' said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked Paddy.
'The first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?
Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall
expect you to have those answers for me.'
So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you
to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had considered the questions,
to which Paddy replied, 'I have.'
'Well then, 'said St Peter, 'Which tw o days of the week start with the letter T?'
Paddy said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed ………
'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?
' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
Paddy replied, 'Just 12!'
'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Paddy?'
'Easy' said Paddy, 'there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the
second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at Paddy and said, 'I need sometime to consider your answer before I can give
you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy.
'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Paddy?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy' said Paddy.
This totally floored S t Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Paddy, asked 'Paddy, how in
God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said Paddy 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'
And so Paddy entered Heaven...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on September 29, 2008, 07:09:52 pm: JUST HAD TO HAPPEN!

The price of gasoline on the rise has contributed to the growing sales of hybrid Cars.

Only stand to reason that someone would invent a Hybrid Motorcycle!

Click on the following link

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2006/1stHybridMotorcycle.htm (http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2006/1stHybridMotorcycle.htm)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 29, 2008, 07:54:14 pm: Quote from: Papa Eric on September 29, 2008, 07:09:52 pm
JUST HAD TO HAPPEN!

The price of gasoline on the rise has contributed to the growing sales of hybrid Cars.

Only stand to reason that someone would invent a Hybrid Motorcycle!

Click on the following link

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2006/1stHybridMotorcycle.htm (http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2006/1stHybridMotorcycle.htm)

Ah, the good old purple helmets!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 01, 2008, 12:05:47 pm: NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 1, 2008

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 01, 2008, 12:07:53 pm: girlfriend: if my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer?
boyfriend: eating between meals.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 01, 2008, 03:50:59 pm: A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he

made contact.

'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the
golfcourse, then I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice more.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late
at night. The next day it starts again.

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk .'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on October 01, 2008, 05:15:20 pm: I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector and thought I'd pass this information onto you.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 01, 2008, 06:12:47 pm: Hi, 'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? !
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no. Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear
'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?' well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I
asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in f***ing Homebase
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 01, 2008, 06:17:21 pm: A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.

The ship sinks and there are 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Sally.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, Sally felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was too immoral and she killed herself.

It was tragic but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Bob's and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings returned and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Sally.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on October 01, 2008, 10:36:06 pm: Quote from: Jules G on October 01, 2008, 06:17:21 pm
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.

The ship sinks and there are 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Sally.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, Sally felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was too immoral and she killed herself.

It was tragic but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Bob's and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings returned and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Sally.

Then after a couple of weeks they were so disgusted with what they were doing, they dug her up
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 02, 2008, 12:00:53 pm: A Bishop arrives at a Hotel for a short break. As he checks in he says to the desk clerk, "I hope the Porn channel on the TV in my room is disabled"

"No, it's just normal porn" replies the Clerk. "You sick b@$tard!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on October 10, 2008, 01:59:03 pm: Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 14, 2008, 02:19:51 pm: A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 16, 2008, 10:16:57 am: NON PC JOKES!!!!!!

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king
big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle
with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 16, 2008, 11:19:14 am: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she
even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on October 17, 2008, 06:11:56 pm: The Italian alter boy.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.'

'Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed. '
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on October 19, 2008, 11:42:47 am: An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 20, 2008, 02:31:22 pm: Marriage Counselling

Jacqueline and husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on October 20, 2008, 03:31:19 pm: A man goes to the
doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I
have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only
have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your

final precious
moments on earth.'

So he trudges home
to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo
with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the
bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up
and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here
20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house
and the

national game on the
same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he
screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'

'F*** me,' says the
bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on October 21, 2008, 11:31:03 am: Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 24, 2008, 12:08:35 pm: The following question was asked in a recent poll:

'Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?'

21% Said: Yes
17% Said: No
62% Said: عهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on October 24, 2008, 12:53:29 pm: Shareholders at Bradford & Bingley have been left baffled and surprised at the takeover by Santander.
Apparently, no-one expected the Spanish Aquisition.

The Isle of Dogs bank has called in The Retrievers.

Coat :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 27, 2008, 10:07:00 am: A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....
Four-sprung Duck technique
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 29, 2008, 03:38:39 pm: The worst joke in the world. EVER

Have you heard the one about baby balloon?

Well baby balloon woke in the night and felt like a cuddle.

So baby balloon got out of bed and went into his parents room.

He cuddled in between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

However in the morning Daddy balloon was not well pleased.

He told baby balloon that he was too old to be cuddling with Mummy and daddy balloon.

However a few months later, sure enough Baby balloon again woke up in the middle of the night.

He climbed out of bed and went into his parents room.

He climbed into bed and tried to snuggle between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

But there wasn't enough room.

So baby balloon thought "I know what I'll do"

So baby balloon let a bit of air out of Daddy balloon.

But there still wasn't enough room to cuddle between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

So baby balloon thought "I know what I'll do"

So baby balloon let a bit of air out of Mummy balloon.

But there still wasn't enough room to cuddle between Mummy balloon and daddy balloon.

So baby balloon thought "I know what I'll do"

So baby balloon let a bit of air out himself.

Now he managed to cuddle down in between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

In the morning Daddy balloon was furious.

I told you not to come in to mummy and Daddy's bed, but you still did.

I am very very upset with you baby balloon.

You know what you've done don't you?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. You've let me down.

You've let Mummy balloon down.

But worst of all you've let yourself down, Baby balloon.

Told you.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: knetter on October 29, 2008, 04:00:54 pm: Quote from: Jules G on October 27, 2008, 10:07:00 am
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....
Four-sprung Duck technique

ROFLMAO
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 31, 2008, 03:36:35 pm: A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Dx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 31, 2008, 03:41:24 pm: A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we' ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I'v e been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently.

Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

Dx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on October 31, 2008, 09:19:39 pm: A sad heir
A man walks into a bar and sees a friend at a table drinking by himself. Approaching his friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June and left me £10,000," says his friend.

"Gee, that's tough."

"Then in July," the friend continues, "My father died, leaving me £50,000."

The man looks concerned and says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"Oh, that's not all, " the friend adds. "Last month my aunt died and left me £15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!"

"And now this month..." the friend says. "Nothing! Not a single penny!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on November 01, 2008, 12:14:37 am: woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks,

'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he
told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and
repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it Worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well , that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll
be right back.'

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!

the husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she
proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back..'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife ' .

'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on November 01, 2008, 12:16:20 am: An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated,  he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on November 01, 2008, 12:17:25 am: I went to the game last night. The missus got the hump over it, she said you love Chelsea more than you love me.

I said, darling, I love Arsenal more than I love you.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 01, 2008, 11:07:09 am: Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 04, 2008, 11:46:21 am: The world according to Mr Clarkson.................

'I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.'

'... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany '

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: 'there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

'The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite'

'The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?'

'This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.''

'I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?'

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.'

' Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.'

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: 'Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?'

'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!'

On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.'

'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer.'

'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.'

'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.'

'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.'

'You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get m y mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!'

'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.'

On the Porsche Cayenne: 'Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on November 05, 2008, 08:34:45 pm: When is it safe to use the "F" word?

Well, I guess it is acceptable in the following situations :P

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Bear.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Bang.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Zap.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Pick.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Jump.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/String.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Mirror.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/Penguin.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 12, 2008, 10:12:46 am: A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 12, 2008, 10:35:38 am: A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust,"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said,"Me too,I didn't know we had a choice!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy,"I'm gonna have the day off,I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters,hangs upside down and shouts,"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts,"Paddy you're mad,go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?"asks the Foreman.

"I cant work in the friggin dark!"says Murphy.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 13, 2008, 12:36:48 pm: POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes a
teacher, trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following
question: 'Bob, if you were on a date
having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you
have to go to the bathroom?' Bob
said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying,
'That would be rude and impolite.'

What about you Ronnie, how would you say it?
Ronnie said, 'I am sorry, but I
really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice

to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain

for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please
be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on November 13, 2008, 05:08:58 pm: Where can you get one?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 17, 2008, 05:35:10 pm: THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.

In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 18, 2008, 05:02:35 pm: A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'

The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 18, 2008, 05:03:28 pm: Lesson In Sharing

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer

Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'

Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'

Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'

The little boy answered 'no,' again.

Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.

Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'

The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go f*ck yourself! Grandma made these for me.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 18, 2008, 07:22:47 pm: ;D,
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on November 19, 2008, 05:20:52 pm: Al Qaeda have planted a bomb in a tin of alphabetti spaghetti. If it goes off it could spell disaster.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 19, 2008, 07:07:45 pm: A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top’
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on November 20, 2008, 03:20:26 pm: Keep up at the back, Mr B. Only a page and a half ago :-\ :-\

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.msg124708#msg124708

Del
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 21, 2008, 02:01:56 pm: HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END

http://vili.us/hypno.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 21, 2008, 02:55:17 pm: The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamiltons bird in the shower.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 22, 2008, 01:20:45 pm: To show their support for Obama, women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair & using the slogan: Read my lips, no more Bush.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 24, 2008, 10:09:43 am: Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.


Try Saying:


I think you could do with more training


Instead Of:


You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.


Try Saying:


She's an aggressive go-getter.


Instead Of:


She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.


Try Saying:


Perhaps I can work late


Instead Of:


And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.


Try Saying:


I'm certain that isn't feasible


Instead Of:


F*** off a*se-hole

5.


Try Saying:


Really?


Instead Of:


Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.


Try Saying:


Perhaps you should check with...


Instead Of:


Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.


Try Saying:


I wasn't involved in the project.


Instead Of:


Not my f***ing problem.

8.


Try Saying:


That's interesting.


Instead Of:


What the f***?

9.


Try Saying:


I'm not sure this can be implemented
Within the given timescale.


Instead Of:


No f***ing chance mate.

10.


Try Saying:


It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in


Instead Of:


Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.


Try Saying:


He's not familiar with the issues


Instead Of:


He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.


Try Saying:


Excuse me, sir?


Instead Of:


Oi, f*** face.

13.


Try Saying:


Of course, I was only going
To be at home anyway


Instead Of:


Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 01, 2008, 09:46:44 am: Women are evil....

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in
the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the
clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. What did you buy?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 01, 2008, 10:53:03 am: News Flash.

It has just been reported that Steven Hawkin was rushed to hospital last night. He has two broken legs, a dislocated shoulder, six cracked ribs and a broken hip.

Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 03, 2008, 09:30:24 am: "An Aussie guy walked into a jewelers store one Friday evening with a beautiful American girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The Aussie guy said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The client seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated 'By cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the Australian, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!!!!!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on December 03, 2008, 09:50:46 am: Now that Barak is President and Lewis is World Champion it is now cool to be black.

Bet Michael Jackson feels a bit of a tw@t then :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 03, 2008, 10:17:20 am: At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod..'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TailorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . ..

. . . ..LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on December 03, 2008, 07:18:44 pm: My wife turned to me last night and said

"I'm old, I'm fat & I'm ugly"

I said nothing

Then she said

"why don't you pay me a compliment?'

I replied

"your eye sight seems to be just fine"...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 04, 2008, 03:14:24 pm: Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there, top stars from the world of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a constant feed of drink, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne.

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar.

Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing 'Light My Fire'.

Over in the corner George Peppard is getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

'Oi, Jim,' objects Michael Caine, 'the party's just got started.

How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father?''

'Fair play,' nods Jim 'As long as she does the rest of the band, too.'

'Not a problem, Jim,' smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

'Alright, luv?' he drones, 'don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?'

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says 'What the h*ll!' and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work on him.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

'Wh-what the 'ell was that for?' she whimpers.

'I told you,' Caine snarls. 'You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on December 04, 2008, 03:55:30 pm: ;D Didn't see that one coming. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on December 05, 2008, 09:27:03 pm: The Blind Date

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got
on
the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen
again asked Sandra what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and
Allen

lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home
early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"

Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 06, 2008, 12:31:01 am: A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the
only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a
15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let
it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 06, 2008, 12:33:05 am: Cruise Ship Diary

DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls
off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano
bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 07, 2008, 09:27:03 pm: When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.

She is now an unmarried single mother with three kids from three different
fathers, one of them black.

Job done.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f$£ks off.

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you b$5tard'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your bum but you said, 'F..$ off it'll be too painful',
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 08, 2008, 09:57:27 am: A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse. She pressed it into the man's hand along with her address, looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

'Clean my house.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on December 09, 2008, 05:05:44 pm: The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes, we could have been here ten years ago!'

Sorry if this is a duplicate - I have not kept up.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on December 11, 2008, 12:01:04 pm: Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 12, 2008, 03:16:31 pm: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side..

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: TobyAnscombe on December 12, 2008, 05:31:06 pm: [Smokie - feel free to remove if to warped]
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on December 12, 2008, 05:37:36 pm: Just bought an advent calendar from Woolworths.
The windows are boarded up and there's nowt inside!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 15, 2008, 11:41:10 am: A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £24.60.' Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket everytime?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 15, 2008, 11:50:41 am: A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh*t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on now?'

The agent nervously replies,

'He just found a bomb !'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 15, 2008, 03:38:36 pm: Over the last month I became a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case Lidl in
Cheadle Heath.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them
climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th.
Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £2.99 each.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 18, 2008, 04:28:36 pm: A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

The End ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on December 18, 2008, 07:29:37 pm: Please accept with no obligation, implied or otherwise, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes of himself/herself or others, and is void where prohibited by Law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever is the sooner and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wishee further agrees to indemnify and hold harmless the wisher along with his/her heirs and assigns.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on December 19, 2008, 12:42:45 am: Things you find on the web,

(http://www.27bslash6.com/images/party.jpg)

Quote
A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture as I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once and he said hello but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn't invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn't come.

From: David Thorne
Dear Matthew,

Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the f**k are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no f**k*ng 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the f**k is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no f**k*ng fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus f**k*ng christ man.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Can't wait, see you tonight.

Regards, David.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on December 19, 2008, 10:51:33 am: I have been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She is funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop! How cool is that for someone her age?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 19, 2008, 11:29:32 am: As I booked into a hotel, I said to the receptionist, “I hope the porn

channel in my room is disabled.”

“No,” she says, “It’s regular porn, you sick bastard.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on December 19, 2008, 02:56:01 pm: Quote from: The One Armed TeddyBear on December 19, 2008, 12:28:04 pm
wish it was a joke, but, the Indian car company Tatra are sponsoring Ferrari F1, that'll be interesting

Interesting how Tata can find the money for F1 interests, but not a few pounds for JLR.........and then beg to the UK government. ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on December 20, 2008, 10:16:19 pm: Quote from: Christopher on December 19, 2008, 02:56:01 pm
Quote from: The One Armed TeddyBear on December 19, 2008, 12:28:04 pm
wish it was a joke, but, the Indian car company Tatra are sponsoring Ferrari F1, that'll be interesting
Interesting how Tata can find the money for F1 interests, but not a few pounds for JLR.........and then beg to the UK government. ::)

Reported http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7793137.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7793137.stm) as being close to finalising £667m from the government to Tata to keep Jaguar and Land Rover afloat. Hope that none of that is going to be used for "something else".

Mind you, Tata and F1 is not new -Mr Tata is a Fiat Board member and they were involved with sponsoring Jordan in 2005, Williams in 2006, and software provision to Ferrari since 2007.

MG Mark
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 23, 2008, 12:51:58 am: Many a true word, etc. etc. etc.

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 23, 2008, 10:25:37 am: THE STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st November 2008
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd November 2008
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays.
Pauline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2008
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
P.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2008
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian p*****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The B*tch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th November 2008
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 25, 2008, 02:42:15 am: A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SH*T." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 27, 2008, 03:57:33 pm: Anyone bored yet?

http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 29, 2008, 02:28:36 pm: A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 30, 2008, 12:23:03 am: IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
· Do you suffer from shyness?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is a safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss
of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to believe that you can sing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 30, 2008, 03:29:51 pm: oh so true ;D

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: geoffd on December 30, 2008, 05:40:23 pm: Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.'

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way', but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fockit' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on January 02, 2009, 12:32:50 am: My new year Resolution is 1680 x 1050.

t
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 02, 2009, 10:34:21 am: Quote from: Lawnmower Man on January 02, 2009, 12:32:50 am
My new year Resolution is 1680 x 1050.

t

Oooh. Look at you with your wide screen! ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 05, 2009, 02:52:33 pm: GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he joined one of theclasses. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,that would be a 'tragedy.'

'No', said GORDON , 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand, 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained GORDON ,'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said. 'If A plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 09, 2009, 01:41:18 pm: 7x4 inch pure white vellum envelope, quality finest pure thick parchment paper with Olde English style black type, finished with a special edition commemorative stamp. Hand delivered by a postman in full uniform.

This is no ordinary redundancy letter ........... This is a M&S redundancy letter.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 09, 2009, 05:16:14 pm: SORRY LIVERPOOL BOYS!!!! ;D

Scouse Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this our Stevie?
Captain of LFC?
Arrested in Southport
All caught on CCTV.
Open "The Sun"
It's there on Page One, you'll see.
I'm just a Scouser
I need some help you see
Because I'm Huyton-born, Huyton-bred
Once a Blue, now a Red.
Whatever the truth is, it doesn't really matter to me.

[Piano: Dumm di dum dum, dumm di dum dum]

Rafa! It's Stevie here.
I've just t*watted a DJ
And they've taken him away.
Rafa, we were four points clear
But now I fear we'll throw it all away!
Rafa! Ooooooooooh.
Didn't mean to make you sigh
If I'm not back in time to play at Preston, Tinker on, tinker on, my career is all in tatters....

[Piano: Dum di dum di dum, dum di dum di dum]

Too late! It's Walton Jail.
I don't think that I can cope
I can't bend down for the soap.
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave the Kop behind and face the Bench.
Rafa! Ooooooooooo! (Anyway the sh*it blows) I don't want to go to jail I sometimes wish I'd never joined Liverpoo-ool!

[Piano, guitar and stuff]

I see a little silhouetto of Hamman
There's ,more dosh, there's more dosh if I sign for Man City But joining such a sh*ite team is very very frightening to me

Calling Barry
(It's Rick Parry)
Calling Barry
(It's Rick Parry)
Calling Barry! He's Magnific-o-o-o-o

I'm just a poor boy from a Scouse family He's just a poor boy from a Scouse family Spare him his job says Co-Coach Sammy Lee

Piano: Tinkle, tinkle tinkle

Easy come easy go! Will you let me go?
It's me, La!
No! We will not let you go!
Let him go!
It's me, La!
No! We will not let you go!
Let him go!
No no no no no no!
Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Get me out!
A Big House con has a shower set aside for me! For meee!

For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Big Guitar Riff]

So you think you can say my career's in decline!
So you think you can suggest my kids are not mine!
Oh DJ! Can't do this to me DJ!
Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here!

[More guitar and then the slow bit]

My career's in tatters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters! Nothing really matters to me!

Anyway the sh*it blows!

[Cymbal: pish]
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 12, 2009, 01:32:20 pm: An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling)..

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 12, 2009, 01:51:30 pm: Wise words indeed -

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 14, 2009, 05:43:16 pm: A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f**king blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ....................he farted.

The End
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 14, 2009, 06:36:28 pm: A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pound coins to play with to
keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pound coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm a Divorce lawyer.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 15, 2009, 04:42:28 pm: credit Crunch.........The married version

Husband and Wife are in tesco shopping, man picks up a box of Stella and sticks it in the trolley

"What do you think you are doing?" says the wife

"There on offer £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back, we can't afford it"

A few aisles later the wifey picks up a £20 face cream and puts it in the trolley.

"What do you think you are doing?" asked the husband

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful" she says.

Husband replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price"

;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on January 15, 2009, 11:43:50 pm: I posted this on Beermountain too....

(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w6/millsy_2007/Amazon.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on January 16, 2009, 10:35:34 am: VOTED BEST AUSTRALIAN JOKE FOR 2008. by Australians

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
Couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
Of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
All that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 20, 2009, 10:41:34 am: A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding,
meet with their Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah.
"It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great)
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets
with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,leather harnesses,
a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 20, 2009, 11:45:29 pm: A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.

(http://J:\FLORIDA Jan2009\My Pictures\school pic joke.jpg)

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 20, 2009, 11:46:10 pm: Oops!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 21, 2009, 11:37:33 am: Are people really that stupid??????

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation and happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK", and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape!

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lady pig-pen on January 24, 2009, 05:39:51 am: Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked." :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 26, 2009, 11:13:33 am: We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

{_!_} squishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) tired arse

(_E=mc2_) smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse

You have just been e-mooned!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 26, 2009, 11:16:47 am: The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 26, 2009, 01:24:05 pm: BANNED FROM DISNEY FOR LIFE!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 26, 2009, 01:31:57 pm: This is neat! Try not to spend all day at this.

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on January 26, 2009, 10:25:10 pm: A blonde took her car to be repaired, fearing a very expensive repair bill.
But the mechanic fixed it in 2 minutes flat and said to her
"No charge for that love, nothing serious, just sh*t in the air filter.
She replied "Really? how often do I have to do that then?".....

MG Mark
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 27, 2009, 02:46:49 pm: Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 27, 2009, 02:52:28 pm: An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason...

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 27, 2009, 02:56:04 pm: Know what I think?

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mum says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom, getting aggravated replies, 'Ok then, now tell me what you think'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my aeroplane glue.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 28, 2009, 11:32:42 am: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your pe *is is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his pe *is into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pe *is into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 28, 2009, 11:58:04 am: AUSTRALIAN SALES APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 29, 2009, 11:01:46 am: One fine day Snow White arrived at the mine, in which the Seven Dwarf's were working to bring them lunch. When she arrived she found that the mine shaft had collapsed and she could not get to them.

Seeing this she was very worried and wondered if any of them were still alive. She shouted out and kept calling "Hello can anyone hear me" hoping that they had survived the fall, were alive and could hear her.

For a long time she heard nothing in reply to her shouts, and then at last she heard a faint voice singing " Gordon Brown has saved the world, Gordon Brown has saved the world", hearing this Snow White fell to her knee's and said "thank goodness, at least Dopey is alive".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on January 29, 2009, 04:01:24 pm: Subject: HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of "Gordon
Brown?"

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! -----

Tomorrow we'll do "Alistair Darling".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 29, 2009, 07:59:32 pm: Peter kay one liners

1) i saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'guess' on it. I said 'thyroid problem?'

2) when i was a kid i used to pray every night for a new bike. Then i realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) i've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) i was doing some decorating, so i got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) i went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So i ordered french toast during the renaissance.

6) a cement mixer collided with a prison van on the kingston bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) well i was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day i turned to my bullies and said 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! from there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) my dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) sex is like playing bridge: if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) i saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'aren't you going to help?' i said 'no, six should be enough.'

11) if we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) i think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) you know that look women get when they want sex? no, me neither.

14) politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) i was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) right now i'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think i've forgotten this before

peter kay's universal truths

1) triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) at the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) one of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) you're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) ***ody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) you never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) you always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) the smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.

12) driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) you can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) despite constant warnings when you're a kid, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) you've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Some great questions brought to you by peter kaye

1) why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) if a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'my name is peter and i am an alcoholic'?

6) why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) is french kissing in france just called kissing?

11) who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'i think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) what do people in china call their good quality plates?

13) why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) what do you call male ballerinas?

15) why is a person that handles your money called a 'broker'?

16) if quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) if corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 30, 2009, 11:13:23 am: Hot and Cold sex

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 02, 2009, 10:58:49 am: The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears..

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy, passionate love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 03, 2009, 01:08:15 pm: Greener Grass...

Its important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.. But one must also be careful

Sometimes you can reach too far !

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up......
Is there to help you!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 03, 2009, 01:12:35 pm: Greener Grass... (second attempt!!!)

Its important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.. But one must also be careful

Sometimes you can reach too far !

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up......
Is there to help you!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 03, 2009, 06:04:50 pm: A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 04, 2009, 10:41:43 am: A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department
is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications
all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test
that you must take before you can be accepted." Then,
sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take
this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six
meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 05, 2009, 07:25:30 pm: The radio announcer said, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through'.

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the

odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...' Then the

power went out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she says.......'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I

need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 09, 2009, 11:55:24 am: Hilarious!

PS Can anyone convert it to JPEG or similar?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 09, 2009, 12:06:50 pm: Think this is it .. . .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 09, 2009, 12:08:23 pm: Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s * x?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 09, 2009, 12:10:34 pm: US Air's emergency ditching into the Hudson River in NY was no accident. It was a Canadian terrorist activity.

See below for photographic proof.

http://(http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/Canadianterrorist.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 09, 2009, 12:12:43 pm: SMART ARSE ANSWERS.....

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The teachers response....

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 09, 2009, 12:15:39 pm: A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about 50 pounds ?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50.00 pounds and handed it to her along with a fiver tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a porch, it's a Lexus.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 09, 2009, 12:21:12 pm: Chinese Wonder cream

(http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/image002.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 11, 2009, 03:31:21 pm: It was the first day of a school in USA and a new European Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History'.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now who said that?'

Again Chandrasekhar says 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f*cked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 11, 2009, 03:34:36 pm: A bra for that special night out!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 11, 2009, 03:35:34 pm: Early gay signs?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 11, 2009, 03:36:39 pm: The best tattoo ever . . . .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 13, 2009, 01:51:08 pm: Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 13, 2009, 07:49:43 pm: http://edinburgh.gumtree.com/edinburgh/30/31965230.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on February 14, 2009, 12:21:11 am: Johnny wanted s*x with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
Scr*w you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
To consult her boyfriend... So she called her
Boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
Girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.
She responded, 'The b*stard used coins!'

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting scr*wed!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 14, 2009, 01:10:30 am: Tommy Cooperisms - I know some are repeats...

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'. The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' , so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are... '

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out. Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome' - 'Is it common?' - 'It's not unusual.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

So I went to the dentist. He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.

I went to buy a ticket on the train to go to France.The agent said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well, I've been on the telly; but I'm no Dean Martin.'

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,'I've got water in the carburetor,I said 'Where's the car' She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

"I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas! It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

For the scientifically minded. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 14, 2009, 12:10:33 pm: Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 17, 2009, 04:00:39 pm: A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Cherie Blair.
That evening, the man brought Cherie to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Cherie and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Cherie batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 17, 2009, 04:01:58 pm: A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I didn't, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 17, 2009, 04:03:29 pm: Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 17, 2009, 04:04:30 pm: Man sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He concludes that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby, he trusts, impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and states the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows"

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks of another.

He leans forward again and this time delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world"

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this third time quoting the Malaysian Airlines motto: " Going beyond expectations"

The woman straightens herself up, looks at him sternly and demands:

"What the f*ck do you want?"

"Ah!" the man says, sitting back with a knowing smile on his face.

"Ryanair"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 17, 2009, 05:26:00 pm: Smokie

Most of those jokes are actually Tim Vines.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 19, 2009, 12:41:09 am: Quote from: nickliv on February 17, 2009, 05:26:00 pm
Smokie

Most of those jokes are actually Tim Vines.

Yeah, I thought some were a bit modern for TC.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 19, 2009, 02:38:10 pm: Thirteen year old dad Alfie Patten has joined the fathers for justice. He doesn't understand the politices but he's made up with the spiderman costume......
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 19, 2009, 04:16:22 pm: 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on February 19, 2009, 05:48:46 pm: He Said, I Said
> He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
> to
> put in it.
> I said to him . . . You wear pants don 't you?
>
> He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
> on
> the sofa and fart!
>
> He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
> gave you?
> I said to him . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
>
> He said to me. ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
> I said to him .. . They don't have time
>
> He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
> paper?
> I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
>
> He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
> caring
> and Good- looking?
> I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
>
> I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
> night?
> He said. . . A widow.
>
> He said to me . . Why are m arried women heavier than single women?
> I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
> go
> to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 19, 2009, 07:38:44 pm: Not really a joke as such, but it made oi larf. Particularly as a large proportion of yesterday afternoon I was involved with the SAR effort.

The helicopter which ditched in the North Sea last night, was still afloat this morning, albeit upside down, and minus part of its tailboom. A nearby ship had a crane of sufficient capacity to lift it onto the boat.

A risk assessment was undertaken which lasted for 5 hours

During which time the helicopter sank.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 19, 2009, 07:44:46 pm: Excellent Nick. Don't you just love health and safety ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 20, 2009, 01:17:55 pm: The Gords prayer

GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,

I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.

BROWN HAS ANNOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,

I AM GLAD I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG

AND BROWN WAS A TREE.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 21, 2009, 12:03:32 pm: A guy goes in an adult store in Leeds and asks for an
Inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white'?
Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 24, 2009, 05:12:37 pm: Women Drivers
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying b***d told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 26, 2009, 02:46:16 pm: A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the en d of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy sh*t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 02, 2009, 10:20:05 am: A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the sh*t'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 02, 2009, 10:22:58 am: The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering..

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 02, 2009, 01:42:28 pm: Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended at that point.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 02, 2009, 01:44:29 pm: A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,'
coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

(Ready for this?)

(I'm warning you.....go back now ...........................)

(Still not too late....)

'You're simply going through the change!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 03, 2009, 02:35:16 pm: Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, `I think I`m going to divorce my wife. She hasn`t spoken to me for over two months.`

Dave slowly sips his beer then thoughtfully says, `You better think it over Bob. Women like that are hard to find.`
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 03, 2009, 03:38:35 pm: One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time.
When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

No?

Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either . . ..
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 03, 2009, 07:11:01 pm: Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups

and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and

there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an

absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 05, 2009, 11:32:25 am: A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement ,swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 05, 2009, 01:49:55 pm: Harley-Davidson Facts The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, ArthurDavidson, died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good manand your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang outwith anyone you want to in heaven.'Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang outwith God.'St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one whoinvented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah,that's me...'God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing somethingthat's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run withouta road?'Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren'tyou the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.''Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have somemajor design flaws in your invention 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust5. The maintenance costsare outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'holdon.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited forthe results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,'but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 06, 2009, 10:58:58 am: MARRIAGE PROPOSAL FROM LAHORE EXTREMELY FUNNY

A marriage proposal from Lahore, Punjab . don't laugh, dead serious!
Madam :I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore .
Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab .

I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.

My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.

I am playing hardly also.

Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller.

Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.
Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.
I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft.
I am always giving respect to the ladies.

I am always allowing ladies to get on top that is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits.

I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.

Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.
Daily I am pumping and pumping.

If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.

I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.

What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.

That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.

In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come.

So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore , Punjab
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 06, 2009, 01:34:13 pm: Peter, given thr circumstances, that is black humour at its finest. Good to see that you are keeping your spirits up.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 07, 2009, 03:43:34 pm: A girl goes on holiday to Jamaica. The first evening she meets a local man and, after a night of passionate love making, she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Will you please, please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the girl says.

"OK, my name is Snow!" the man replies. The girl bursts out laughing and the man gets annoyed and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

She replies, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm just thinking that my friends in work won't believe me when I tell them that I got 10 inches of Snow every day of my holiday in Jamaica!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 08, 2009, 12:08:08 am: Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of Wentworthl golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure', they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too!!!'

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate for you, £1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.'
Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 08, 2009, 10:51:32 am: My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
****. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 11, 2009, 01:38:28 pm: Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery inMontana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for information about her great-great uncle.

Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 12, 2009, 10:21:01 am: Man's Perspective about wives . . . . . .

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 12, 2009, 10:46:29 am: Local Police Officer Patrolling his small Village at night. As he slowly cruises around he passes the local Used Car Yard & decides he saw something.

He approaches the Yard on foot & spots someone sitting in one of the Cars near the exit.

He looks in the Car & sees two very elderly local Ladies just sitting there.

"Good evening Ladies can I ask you what you are doing in the vehicle, you're not trying to steal it surely??"

"Oh no Officer " one of them says. "we bought it earlier this afternoon."

"Then , why don't you drive it home ?" the Cop asks

"Well " she says "neither of us can drive."

"Then why the heck would you buy a used car you can't even drive ?" ask the officer

"Well , you see " says the second old girl " we were told , that if you buy a car from this dealer you'll get Screwed."

"That's right" says the first lady " & we're still waiting ...!!!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 13, 2009, 02:15:18 am: A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we

just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 13, 2009, 02:19:35 am: A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 13, 2009, 11:55:48 am: THE STORK

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think your getting your birds mixed up
'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag on the beach.!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 13, 2009, 06:19:18 pm: Subject: Crabs

A man boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member

to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying
frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen
if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing, she used the intercom to Announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 14, 2009, 12:53:01 am: A teacher walked into the classroom and caught a boy masturbating into the Beano.

On questioned he stated.......

"It was for Comic Relief"

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 16, 2009, 11:46:56 pm: Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure', they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too!!!'

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on March 17, 2009, 08:36:25 am: Quote from: Leftie on March 16, 2009, 11:46:56 pm
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure', they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too!!!'

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.'

You already posted that one back on 08-Mar. ::)

Keep up! ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on March 17, 2009, 09:43:45 am: I just checked - do'nt think I posted before.

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery,
Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what
would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself,
your elbow will never get better :)

Thank you for shopping at
Tesco
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 17, 2009, 11:13:21 pm: Quote from: Christopher on March 17, 2009, 08:36:25 am
Quote from: Leftie on March 16, 2009, 11:46:56 pm

Thank's Chris, forgot, by hell you'r quick of the mark ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 19, 2009, 05:23:26 pm: A Flat Stomach........
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 19, 2009, 05:24:56 pm: A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there was passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked her again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,'No, I'm Norwegian.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 19, 2009, 05:44:02 pm: A SQUIRRELS TALE

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the
charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt
when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary
home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried
to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise
and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government
for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 20, 2009, 01:32:43 am: Rup,

Bloody brilliant mate. Just sums up this once great country.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Perdu on March 20, 2009, 09:44:50 pm: truly brilliant!

sadly it might NOT count as a joke...

I can't get myself to laugh

he he

but at least, a chuckle

;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on March 21, 2009, 03:43:08 pm: Such caring Aussies

Bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night

wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young

Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in

the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was

dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit

of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks

what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so

we've

brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or

five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all

that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill

here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there

and pull her up again! '
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on March 24, 2009, 07:58:01 pm: Day 2 in heaven, and Jade Goody has already been nominated for eviction.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on March 24, 2009, 08:06:46 pm: Quote from: landman on March 24, 2009, 07:58:01 pm
Day 2 in heaven, and Jade Goody has already been nominated for eviction.

I'm sure you ment HELL as my mate Satan wouldn't put up with her here. We have intelligence down here >:D

If she could sweet talk the Brit public, she stands a chance with St. Peter in my view.

From an earlier posting:-

An Engineer passes away sudenly and St. Peter wouldn't let him in.
So he goes down to Hell.

After a while, he meets Satan and puts a few proposals to him to make things a bit more comfortable down there.

So, after a few weeks, they have running water, flush loos and airconditioning.

After a few months, they have a tramway and a monrail up and working.

God 'phones up Satan regarding thier bi-annual meeting and Satan suggests he hosts the meeting.

God arrives down and is amazed at what he saw. So he asks Satan whats going on?

Satan replies saying that God sent an Engineer down and he did all this.

God says, 'It must have been a mistake, we want him back'.

Satan declines,

God said, ' Its obviously a mistake, I'll swap a few from there for him'

Satan declines the generous offer.

God Said, ' I'll sue you'.

Satan replies, ' and where the f**k are you going to find a lawyer!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on March 26, 2009, 08:49:26 pm: Max Clifford (Jade Goody's publicist) has announced that after her funeral on 4 April her body will be cremated. The ashes will be placed in small bags and 1 given to each person who attends the funeral.

>:D >:D >:D Goody Bags >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 27, 2009, 07:17:49 pm: I went to the garden centre last weekend, and bought some Goth grass seed.

Apparently it's like normal grass, but it cuts itself.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on March 29, 2009, 04:35:16 pm: How can you tell that an earthquake is coming?

There is an advance warning system which you may not be aware.

Next time you are at the beach it pays to be observant

***
*

*
.

Del
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 30, 2009, 10:15:49 am: For all Who Work With Rude Customers, !

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
When confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied,
'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out..'

The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on March 30, 2009, 10:16:47 am: INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 02, 2009, 10:00:53 am: The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are
genuine
excerpts from the forms. - Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
by
Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived
at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do
manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the
British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So mush about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: geoffd on April 03, 2009, 02:41:16 pm: The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger?"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your 1st request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your 2nd request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully!
FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME...
I SAID ..

"BRING POSSE"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on April 05, 2009, 09:38:05 am: Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
And an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
And fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since
Birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither
All over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered
With soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a
Soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
Paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and
Slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a someone in Senior management.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on April 06, 2009, 01:24:48 am: Two quite elderly gentlemen were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The elder had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The other was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

He replied, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the guy stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves. By the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard."

He mumbled to himself, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this sh*t but me."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 06, 2009, 02:43:04 pm: A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' s ays the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
Runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 07, 2009, 04:38:42 pm: A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan . Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 07, 2009, 05:07:14 pm: Colonoscopy, Dave Berry .....

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy

journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to

make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in

his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a

lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one

point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in

a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded

thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,

because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING

TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,

and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'

which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it

to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of

America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around

being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I

began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I

didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was

chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less

flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter

plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For

those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32

gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes

about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am

being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal

cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by

somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you

drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may

result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump

off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground..

Movi Prep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be

too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle

launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with

you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the

commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much

confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate

everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally

empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which

point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the

future and start eliminating food that you have not even

eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very

nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I

had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep

spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on

Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something

like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging

that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck

the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other

colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained

space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind

that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked

than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein

in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie

was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told

me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I

was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I

pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to

make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in

full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn

your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the

procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an

anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I

knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was

seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my

left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something

up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the

room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing

Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the

songs that could be playing during this particular

procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least

appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from

somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it

was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a

decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I

am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it

was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,

ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the

tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the

other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was

looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt

excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that

It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying

colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist

for the MiamiHerald. On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the

exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the

following are actual comments made by his patients

(predominately male) while he was performing their

colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where

no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there

yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally

married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left

hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my

dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron,

didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that

my head is not up there?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 09, 2009, 11:55:16 am: Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight; you don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came !
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on April 09, 2009, 01:15:07 pm: Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on April 11, 2009, 09:36:42 pm: NASA have just put a new space module into orbit manned by two chimps and a female astronaut.

Space enthusiasts have been monitoring the radio messages :

NASA to Chimp #1
Check all life support systems, recalibrate booster rockets and compute orientation to align with docking station in 23 hours 16 minutes 14 seconds time.

NASA to Chimp #2
Verify oxygen levels, adjust filters, modify fuel flow using differential calculus formulae, rotate space module 16.3 degrees to allow observation of sun flares at 04:56:23 and take navigation sightings to correct module trajectory.

NASA to Female Astronaut
Hoover module floor, clean windows, feed monkeys and don't touch any buttons.
:)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 14, 2009, 11:27:16 am: A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

Because you got an F in sex."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 14, 2009, 08:03:26 pm: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girls’ nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 15, 2009, 09:51:03 pm: Not a joke, but a reflection of society today!

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week”. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week. The policeman is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a “thank you” card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for his at his door.
Later that day, a university professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week. The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a “thank you” card and a dozen different books, such as “How to Improve Your Business” and “Becoming More Successful”.
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament, lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 17, 2009, 01:22:43 pm: Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told

his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours

to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,

'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we

could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now

had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's

shoulder and said,

'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he

tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up..

'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but ….

…. I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 18, 2009, 12:53:38 am: A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on April 18, 2009, 11:01:25 am: Pay attention Leftie!

That was first posted (http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.msg77002;topicseen#msg77002) by Bob U Wed 18 Oct 2006 13:09:37 CEST
Then much to my embarrassment a second time (http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.msg129017;topicseen#msg129017) by me on Tue 24 Feb 2009 17:12:37.

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 19, 2009, 12:11:03 am: With currently 127 pages of good and lesser jokes.

You are bound to get duplicates.

There are so many 'manufactured' jokes, so they are bound to be repeated whatever happens.

|Person nally I don't particulary car, but would obviously prefer unheard jokes that are funny.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on April 19, 2009, 01:05:07 am: Oppps I forgot the Smileys. :'( :'( :'( :'(

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 22, 2009, 01:17:06 pm: HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 25, 2009, 11:37:25 pm: What three ships left Southampton never to return?

>

>

>

The Titanic

>

The Premiership

>

The Championship.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on April 26, 2009, 11:11:57 am: As an almost resident of Southampton, and a some time supporter of Saints FC, I find that joke to be in poor taste
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But still very amusing & so I will be passing it on to a few die hard supporters who reside in my contacts list ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 26, 2009, 10:37:30 pm: Quote from: landman on April 26, 2009, 11:11:57 am
As an almost resident of Southampton, and a some time supporter of Saints FC, I find that joke to be in poor taste

I'm a Pompey fan and I laughed ;D

Part time accommodation in Emsworth.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Douglas on April 26, 2009, 10:45:15 pm: Warm in Pompey today,
apparently it was ten degrees cooler in Southampton!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on April 26, 2009, 10:49:19 pm: Quote from: Douglas on April 26, 2009, 10:45:15 pm
Warm in Pompey today,
apparently it was ten degrees cooler in Southampton!
;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: enzo on April 27, 2009, 12:02:44 pm: Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that
you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with
you
and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,
I
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty
about my being 54 years old... I would like to take this opportunity
to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years
old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one
small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on April 28, 2009, 01:50:33 pm: A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.

There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through Birmingham zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail.

The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Christopher on April 30, 2009, 09:10:46 am: I just called the swine flu helpline...

...but all I heard was crackling.

::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 30, 2009, 09:51:17 am: Dx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 30, 2009, 10:05:22 am: ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on April 30, 2009, 06:29:52 pm: (http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w6/millsy_2007/Flu.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on April 30, 2009, 07:34:30 pm: Cause of swine flu outbreak found!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 01, 2009, 02:23:58 am: A Little Austrian Town

The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign

Are the residents called F*ckers?

What are the mothers called?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your F*cking friend.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on May 01, 2009, 11:15:25 pm: Quote from: Christopher on April 30, 2009, 09:10:46 am

I just called the swine flu helpline...

...but all I heard was crackling.

::)

Beat me to it!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on May 01, 2009, 11:22:46 pm: Quote from: Papa Eric on May 01, 2009, 02:23:58 am
A Little Austrian Town

The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign

Are the residents called F*ckers?

What are the mothers called?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your F*cking friend.

Thats a 'king classic. Must dig out my pics of a road near Santa Pod called Bell End ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: geoffd on May 02, 2009, 08:15:18 am: Quote from: Lord Pig-Pen on May 01, 2009, 11:15:25 pm
Quote from: Christopher on April 30, 2009, 09:10:46 am

I just called the swine flu helpline...

...but all I heard was crackling.

::)

Beat me to it!

Went to a great Mexican Restaurant last night, we had Chilli Contageous...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on May 02, 2009, 08:28:17 am: The cure for Swine Flu is rumoured to be in the form of an oinkment
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 02, 2009, 08:15:42 pm: On place names, if I remember correctly in Tortola, British Virgin Islands (though it was many years ago) there was a place called "Poor Man's Bottom". Of course that was near the coast at sea level, however it had a sign pointing up hill to "Upper Poor Man's Bottom" which amused me no end ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Steve on May 03, 2009, 05:29:26 pm: Someone once said that if a black president was ever elected pigs would fly. And now, a 100 days late............ swine flew!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on May 03, 2009, 08:24:21 pm: I came out in rashers, however, following the deft application of a little oinkment, I was cured
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 05, 2009, 10:02:16 am: The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 05, 2009, 03:36:04 pm: Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Frank, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 07, 2009, 04:55:31 pm: PARENT- Job Description

How True!
If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college/university will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

and finally.........
'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 11, 2009, 01:02:23 pm: THE LODGER
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She as ked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her
They didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the
Girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
The bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her
Husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
Curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
Asked, 'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the f*cking darts team hadn't'!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 11, 2009, 01:02:45 pm: Subject: "YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TALIBAN IF..."

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humour, one of them sent this.

"YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 12, 2009, 01:31:46 am: An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses...

He said no, but he had told a donkey to f*ck off once
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 14, 2009, 03:40:35 pm: Coincidence?

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on May 15, 2009, 09:54:02 am: If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu , please ignore it.

It’s just Spam.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on May 15, 2009, 03:37:50 pm: Quote from: Nordic on May 14, 2009, 03:40:35 pm
Coincidence?

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Cock is the symbol of the French national teams; maybe you Brits will eventually win next Rugby plays !!!! :P
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on May 15, 2009, 04:33:55 pm: Quote from: Gilles on May 15, 2009, 03:37:50 pm
Quote from: Nordic on May 14, 2009, 03:40:35 pm
Coincidence?

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Cock is the symbol of the French national teams; maybe you Brits will eventually win next Rugby plays !!!! :P

Now now Giles be nice, it might just happen (again), I seem to remember a good game the last time we played the French....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 19, 2009, 02:38:06 pm: A little light relief. . . .

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w*nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c*ck like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 19, 2009, 02:41:32 pm: A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said
that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males
employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that
he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent
erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what
you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is,
1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 19, 2009, 02:46:46 pm: Interesting anagrams

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 19, 2009, 02:48:18 pm: In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather."
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather."

In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 19, 2009, 04:07:10 pm: SPANISH COMPUTERS

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns
are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa'.
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'.

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender - 'la computadora' - because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine - 'el computador' - because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

THE WOMEN WON
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 19, 2009, 04:14:11 pm: What goes wrong when someone who is ESL (English as a second language) writes the punch line for Gaviscon...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 26, 2009, 10:25:35 am: IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on May 27, 2009, 07:19:52 pm: I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS?' replied the homeless woman, 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on May 28, 2009, 12:42:06 pm: Bloke goes into a brothel in Rome and asks "How much for humiliation?"

The madam replies "£37.50"

"What do I get for that?" replies the bloke

The madam retorts "A fu@#ing Man United shirt!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 28, 2009, 03:47:16 pm: Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax ........once in a while..

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and
father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty
breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still
had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to
change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy
waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on May 28, 2009, 03:48:49 pm: A Solicitor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Solicter grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Solicitor looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: sceetum on May 28, 2009, 08:50:30 pm: Does anyone know any welders?

There's an open top bus in Manchester that needs its roof putting back on !!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 02, 2009, 11:04:31 am: CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

-The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
- wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on June 11, 2009, 02:54:27 pm: Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 11, 2009, 02:58:24 pm: "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on
earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the
side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the
BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Todayis Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason
why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pastis_JPC on June 17, 2009, 05:32:47 pm: A newly married couple were up in the honeymoon suite.

After a suitable time spent on foreplay (newly married!!) the groom starts to 'climb aboard' but his new bride stops him.

She says 'before we do that I have a confession to make - I used to be a hooker.'

The groom hesitates for a minute then says 'That's ok, past life, occupation, all in the past.'

'No, she says, you don't understand.'

'I used to BE a hooker - I played for Wigan!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 17, 2009, 05:37:54 pm: One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighborhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway... His
wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk
around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up
seven times....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on June 19, 2009, 08:32:39 pm: Holidaymakers' complaints received by Thomas Cook Holidays (Ssrvey by Thos Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea.. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England - it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on June 23, 2009, 07:25:54 pm: We've all been there, but at least you can buy a paddle now!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 24, 2009, 12:38:08 pm: BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on June 25, 2009, 01:01:11 pm: A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..'

No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares provocatively into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Motors TV
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 26, 2009, 12:53:07 am: Quote from: Jules G on June 24, 2009, 12:38:08 pm
BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Lovely bit of dark humour, great mate. Jules, was the bar in Essex County?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 26, 2009, 10:59:33 am: On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of:-

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr ? gurrr ? king?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on June 26, 2009, 11:17:06 am: Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: No way - he's a stockbroker
Dave: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: Oh? What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house.... built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assue that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: What's that then?
Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: Nope
Dave: Well then, you're a w**k*r
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on June 26, 2009, 04:46:28 pm: Inevitably, it’s started!

...after Michael Jackson's sudden death Gary Glitter has offered to cover some of his dates, Billy aged 10, Timmy aged 12 and Joel aged 13

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Ferguson will still be playing Giggs this summer.

Reports of Michael Jackson's death are premature - he was actually found in a children's ward, having a stroke.

Apparently the heart attack was caused when he tripped over a pram. Doctors say that it's too early to blame it on the buggy.

It's ironic that he died at 3.15 - when the big hand is touching the little hand.

It's rumoured that his body will be melted down and made into plastic toys. Kids can play with him for a change.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on June 28, 2009, 01:34:44 am: A scouser on the dole went in to the Job centre and asked if he took the Blow Job he had been offered would it effect his benefit?

t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on June 28, 2009, 02:23:41 am: Papa Eric, latest news is that he will be recycled into lego blocks.

Everyone clicks into place with a full hand on experience.

I also understand that Ann Summers (the sex chain) is looking for more markets and a new plastic supplier for thier vibraters.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 29, 2009, 11:29:28 am: A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150.

::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 30, 2009, 09:42:47 am: Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?

A: Senor Minge.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 01, 2009, 06:53:00 pm: A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 02, 2009, 12:09:04 pm: Milk Bath

JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES THIS.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' ;D ;D ;D

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my t$ts. I can splash it on my face'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 02, 2009, 06:13:31 pm: One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 02, 2009, 06:14:02 pm: A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? '
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favour, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 02, 2009, 06:14:34 pm: In a recent interview, America's General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said ..........

" I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting. "
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on July 02, 2009, 11:10:41 pm: A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks. 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."

'Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'That's wonderful,' the husband says.

Then his wife says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years... Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! That was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD!' she exclaims.

Her husband says again, 'Don't move - I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife." ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 06, 2009, 06:39:00 pm: The Politicians' Poem

I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.

I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending

A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.

I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning

I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could

The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best

The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast

What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.

The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on July 07, 2009, 11:56:34 pm: Great letter in the Daily Telegraph the other day which read:

"Now that Gordon Brown's administration is to take over the East Coast main line, should the 10am Kings' Cross to Edinburgh be renamed the Lying Scotsman?".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 13, 2009, 11:31:23 am: Teaching Maths, where did it all go wrong?

* Teaching Maths *

Teaching maths in 1970

1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds
and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a
measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach
of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could
cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without
incident however he does not have the correct certificate of
competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual
criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all
government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined
another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he
returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on
his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that
failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is
an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal
costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime
mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and
the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and
send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is
easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their
holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh
girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out
and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D
8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 14, 2009, 11:14:37 am: A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? '
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 14, 2009, 12:40:27 pm: The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 14, 2009, 04:42:31 pm: Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

‘Don't get up,' said the Rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Rabbi’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi’s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors . . .

'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on . . . ?
This fighting between our nations . . . ?
This hatred . . . ?
This animosity . . . ?

............. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 16, 2009, 11:01:20 am: Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 22, 2009, 10:20:30 am: Little Bobby went to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an
assignment to determine the difference between 'potentially' and
'realistically', Can you help me?'.

The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask
your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then
come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So little Bobby went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course I would! we could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great University!'

Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?'

'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat,
are you nuts?'

Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

Little Bobby pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.

Little Bobby replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting
on three million dollars.............. but 'realistically', ........
we're living with two slags and a poofter.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 24, 2009, 03:37:39 pm: A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, her husband arrived home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 24, 2009, 04:09:24 pm: Proof that Men Have Better Friends..

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 25, 2009, 11:55:40 am: WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: F * * k ...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 25, 2009, 11:57:16 am: A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decides to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said, "Well Sir I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the deer hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: enzo on July 27, 2009, 05:50:48 pm: Took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes
(he
is 84).. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him The teenager
had
spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and
find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response: 'Got stoned
once and fu*ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 29, 2009, 10:23:12 am: A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence,"says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 29, 2009, 12:33:13 pm: Traffic Question

Most men will get this right!

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider.

Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 3 miles, or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

IT'S ONLY FOR THREE MILES, WHAT IF SHE FALLS!

Men get it right, because men are more considerate.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 31, 2009, 11:07:53 am: Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start
reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers.' 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... 'They blow up so fast these days, don't they?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on July 31, 2009, 11:10:23 am: Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to
talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury
car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner...
Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have
just died from pleasure! So then we are coming
back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: TobyAnscombe on July 31, 2009, 11:40:59 am: Little Johnny walked into his parents room and saw Mommy bent over the dresser and Daddy ramming her from behind.

Daddy looked at Johnny and smiled and winked.

Johnny left the room and a little while later Daddy went to Johnny's room and found Johnny's grandmother bent over the dresser and Johnny ramming her from behind.

Daddy yelled JOHNNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?? and Johnny said It's not so funny when it's YOUR MOM huh?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 01, 2009, 04:37:26 pm: A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:11:51 am: The Silent Treatment..

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, He would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:17:01 am: A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:17:28 am: WOMEN'S REVENGE..

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman
Wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:17:49 am: UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider..
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:18:14 am: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:18:48 am: A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 02, 2009, 11:21:07 am: Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....

..."freeze a jolly good fellow…"

Sorry!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 10, 2009, 08:21:29 pm: I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I just timed my farts along with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint of beer, looked around the pub and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then, suddenly, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 12, 2009, 03:21:05 pm: A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to Â£15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled ..
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser....
This is why they survive
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 16, 2009, 07:31:51 pm: A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
he Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 17, 2009, 01:34:27 pm: TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 17, 2009, 01:39:58 pm: You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 17, 2009, 01:44:22 pm: 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

' Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: geoffd on August 17, 2009, 01:54:41 pm: Quote from: Papa Eric on August 17, 2009, 01:39:58 pm
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

I hate to be picky, but... Your old friend still has to drive back with your car (unless he steals it) and then you are left with the question of partner of your dreams or your old friend, meanwhile you have got soaked. Plus your mate will then have the question in his head, old friend who I already did a favour for by saving his life, or the good looking girl next to him, what do you think he is going to choose??????? Sooooo you end up with no girl, no car, and standing in the rain, I'd go for the "drive through the big puddle and soak em all" option personally!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on August 17, 2009, 03:25:01 pm: Worlds shortest Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went
fishing and hunting, and played golf a lot, and drank beer and scotch, and had money in the
bank, scratched his balls and farted whenever he wanted to, and left the
toilet seat up.

The End
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on August 17, 2009, 06:56:53 pm: Quote from: Lee Self on August 17, 2009, 03:25:01 pm
Worlds shortest Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'

Nice one Lee - and great timing.

Close shave for me then.
Made a proposal over lunch to a babe last Friday who had been divorced 14 years ( I used to date her a long time ago before that ) but she admitted to a steady relationship about an hour before this landed so I'm spared.
The m/bike comes out tonite, toilet seat is already up and off on holiday next week in the Westie, will drink beer etc. and keep money in bank.

Phew !

Stay cool

BryanC
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 18, 2009, 09:54:01 am: A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.
'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer???
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 18, 2009, 04:01:07 pm: Sorry Papa E, the Thought Police deemed that one inappropriate. smokie
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 21, 2009, 06:04:45 pm: The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Sh*t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so..
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation.....and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT ! !
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on August 24, 2009, 04:08:31 pm: A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted,
"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on August 24, 2009, 04:15:14 pm: Its good to know the difference.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 28, 2009, 01:21:56 pm: A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside
of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting,
the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she
sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out
of there!" she shouts.. "Don't you know that women have teeth down
there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have
teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an
hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?"
she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down
there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 16, 2009, 12:58:10 pm: The Bindi:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi..

We westerner's have always naively thought that it had something to do with
their religion. The true story has recently been revealed.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won
either :-

A corner shop,
A sub post office,
A minicab company or
A restaurant in Bradford .

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.

Just thought you would like to know.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 16, 2009, 01:00:35 pm: So, is it too soon to ask Whoopie Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 16, 2009, 04:51:37 pm: Patrick Swayze has started filming Ghost 2 today.

Keith Floyd is in charge of catering for the film crew.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 16, 2009, 04:54:36 pm: A young lad loses his job at the local fish & chip shop.

His dad goes to find out why...

"I found him with the potato peeler up his arse" says the shop owner.

The lad's father asks "may I see the potato peeler please?".

"No", says the shop owner, "I fired him at the same time".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on September 16, 2009, 11:21:25 pm: A friend of mine was really down and depressed, he asked me to push him in front of a train, when I did, he was chuffed to bits!!!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 17, 2009, 09:51:25 am: Quote from: Ferrari Spider on September 16, 2009, 04:28:16 pm
Jules, with regard to the forehead spot, is it the same with the henna marks on the brides body, are they really maps and religious symbols leading to an unspeakable treasure or fortune, ala 'Prison Break'?

Just wondered ;D

Peter don't know, I'll ask Dan Brown next time I see him.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 17, 2009, 11:37:13 am: A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Fancy Dress party.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 17, 2009, 03:57:33 pm: Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
please scroll down.....

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 21, 2009, 05:20:45 pm: Probably a repost

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 22, 2009, 10:01:05 am: Three lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on September 24, 2009, 09:05:57 pm: Someone sent me this link so I thought I'd share it:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80705666/

Made me laugh anyway....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on October 02, 2009, 05:53:00 pm: Larry's in room 232 at the hospital.
Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
'Where in the hell have you been?

'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

''A tattoo?' she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?

''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,'
he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking
her head in disgust.
> 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar
bill Tattooed on his privates?'

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can
stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 05, 2009, 10:01:49 am: We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_£_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 05, 2009, 10:26:08 am: This is probably a repost

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 07, 2009, 08:57:50 pm: A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 08, 2009, 10:36:24 am: Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave.......

Dave........

..........you're a vet.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 08, 2009, 12:08:12 pm: A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

Dx
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 08, 2009, 07:42:49 pm: A White Horse walks into a pub...
The bartender serves him and says,
"This bar is named after you!"
The white horse replies, "Oh, is it called Eric?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on October 11, 2009, 03:10:28 pm: For all the Welsh people around:
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/funny-pictures-kitten-invents-welsh-language.jpg)
;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 12, 2009, 01:18:13 pm: After the death of Stephen Gately in his Spanish Villa, stars of the music and stage world have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said he was gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devastated and Micheal Barrimore said he was innocent!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 12, 2009, 03:55:29 pm: Quote from: Jules G on October 12, 2009, 01:18:13 pm
After the death of Stephen Gately in his Spanish Villa, stars of the music and stage world have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said he was gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devastated and Micheal Barrimore said he was innocent!

Hhhhmmm. Died after a night on a bender. Don't rule out Barrimore yet.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 14, 2009, 05:27:56 pm: Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Head Teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.......and then there are educators.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 16, 2009, 11:20:45 am: Autumn Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, September 23rd 2009

PLEASE NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM...

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past M & S Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program - Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 9
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 10
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 11
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on October 16, 2009, 03:59:44 pm: A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on October 16, 2009, 04:04:40 pm: The name's just Fred.....

A US cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling.
I know -- a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the
way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 19, 2009, 01:11:35 pm: Q: What do you call a Mexican who has just
recovered from Swine Flu?
A: Manuel.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 19, 2009, 01:12:14 pm: The Mule, the Dog, the Monkey & the Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 22, 2009, 02:48:27 pm: A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general.. and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 23, 2009, 12:46:07 pm: Man walks in to a library and asks for a book on underage dwarf sex,
the librarian says "how can you stoop so low?".
the man says "yes thats the one"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:37:07 pm: S * x On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of s* x.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache .. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:38:53 pm: Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:41:56 pm: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:43:19 pm: A husband walked into a Lingerie Shop to purchase a negligee for his wife. He was shown several possibilities that ranged from $250 to $500 in price. He noted that the more sheer it was, the higher the price, but decided to opt for the most sheer item and paid $500. He took it home and that evening presented it to his wife and asked her to put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thought to herself (she's no dummy ) 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and see if he tells the difference. If he doesn't, I'll return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, “Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!”

He never even heard the shot.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:44:18 pm: Will I Live to see 90?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age - (Now over 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:45:26 pm: British Humour:

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. The only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road…… and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:47:16 pm: A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:48:52 pm: So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the
forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be
yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother..
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except
for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the
fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very
same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic
wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact,
brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries,they remain purple He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but
how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just
follow the yellow dick Toad!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:51:36 pm: Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad.. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers
of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.'
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay
with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?'

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on October 23, 2009, 11:53:18 pm: The Scouser and the Gay...

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shite out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Leftie on October 28, 2009, 01:30:52 am: Makes you proud to live in Australia

OZ POLITICS.

An example to British politicians and the judiciary alike.

One thing about blokes from OZ is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place.

T.B. Bechtel, a city councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT.

‘ If hooking up one ragheaded terrorist prisoner’s testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will just save one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,’

‘Red is positive and black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.’
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on October 28, 2009, 12:15:14 pm: Sad news today as it has been reported that Scotland's oldest man has died, Aged 63
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 29, 2009, 07:12:47 pm: WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on October 30, 2009, 02:48:34 pm: The news today reports that Andrew LLoyd Weber has cancer..............
I hope he doesn't make a song and dance about it!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 03, 2009, 01:46:56 pm: An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently', she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 04, 2009, 08:36:57 pm: Subject: It's a killer!

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a

young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large

insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and

arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a vicious underworld

figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the

husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's

insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his

wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie

sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as

down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.

There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to

strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to

the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly

onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to

strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden

cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the

police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the

sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

>

>

>

>

>

>> Wait for it

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>(It's a beauty)

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on November 04, 2009, 08:45:17 pm: was sent this today, made me smile.

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN in the 1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and even early 70's !

We all survived

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
No video/DVD films,
No mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 05, 2009, 12:06:18 pm: Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

______________________________________

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

________________________________________

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

________________________________________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f..ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
________________________________________

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
________________________________________

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
________________________________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport"
________________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
________________________________________

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
________________________________________

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 12, 2009, 05:45:23 pm: A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me..... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man.. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 12, 2009, 05:46:38 pm: The husband had just finished reading a book entitled "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed into the kitchen where his wife was slaving over a hot stove and announced "From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want"

"Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and dry me and then bring me my robe. Then you will wash my feet and hands. Then tomorrow guess who's going to dress me and do my hair ? "

Without even looking up from her Sun Newspaper the wife replied " The F***ing funeral director would be my first guess "
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 13, 2009, 12:09:10 pm: A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having a great romp, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really really miss mine...............' ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 19, 2009, 11:30:35 am: Scouse vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home ,
get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me.

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home , lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesborough, Woking, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 19, 2009, 11:41:13 am: The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f*ck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire..
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 26, 2009, 12:11:02 pm: The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

--------------------------
Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
--------------------------
Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 27, 2009, 01:58:15 pm: Did we already do Tommy Cooper?

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is
for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man
replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going
to die.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 27, 2009, 04:14:22 pm: Dear John & Edward,

Your ability to win over the public and even Simon Cowell has made me look up to you.

I hope you may be able to share your secrets with me. You were $hite week after week but kept surviving.

I’m in a similar situation and need your help and advice. Hope you can help.

Yours Sincerely,

Rafa Benitez,

Liverpool FC Manager
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 28, 2009, 12:26:26 pm: A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,

"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 28, 2009, 12:28:38 pm: Learn some more Chinese in 2 minutes

1) That's not right ............................ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? .....................Wai Yu So Tan
6) Great .......................................Fa Kin Su Pah
7) I bumped into a coffee table ...........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .......................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . ............Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on November 28, 2009, 04:10:07 pm: The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving
milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
,When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales .."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on November 29, 2009, 12:47:03 am: The obvious.....

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always
fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they'd still be in
the fookin' boat."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mike(liverpool boys) on November 30, 2009, 03:40:24 pm: Elton John went to a tattooist and asked for a Rolls Royce tattoo on his penis.

The tattooist said he'd be better with a Range Rover tattoo as it wouldnt get stuck in the sh*t.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 02, 2009, 01:05:55 pm: While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom
all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news
for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here,
we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 02, 2009, 05:51:26 pm: Manure ... An interesting fact !!!

Manure: From the 14th century onwards, and until the invention of chemical fertilizers everything had to be transported by ship, so large shipments of manure were a common cargo.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is
methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! !

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant that the crew had to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. - I had always thought it was a golf term!.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 02, 2009, 05:53:40 pm: Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 07, 2009, 10:03:12 am: Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on December 07, 2009, 10:27:44 am: Oh good news ... and I expect women will be able to do their own servicing and maintenance too!

F
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 09, 2009, 10:50:27 am: It's a slow day in Birmingham. The sun is beating down, and
the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town. He stops at the hotel and lays a £100 on the desk
saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend
the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher...

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel..

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt
to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the
rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100,
states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole
town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British government are
conducting business today.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 09, 2009, 10:51:46 am: "Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't `til next Wednesday!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 09, 2009, 11:01:16 am: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 09, 2009, 11:02:00 am: Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...................

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.

Yer can't do that now.

Too many bloody security cameras."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 09, 2009, 11:02:39 am: There's been a marked drop in Taliban & Al Queda suicide bombings since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV…….

Apparently a lot of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin really looks like….
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on December 09, 2009, 06:25:09 pm: Quote from: Papa Eric on December 09, 2009, 10:50:27 am
It's a slow day in Birmingham. The sun is beating down, and
the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town. He stops at the hotel and lays a £100 on the desk
saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend
the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher...

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel..

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt
to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the
rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100,
states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole
town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British government are
conducting business today.

Very good, it worked because there were no Bankers involved raking off their bounuses.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on December 13, 2009, 07:26:11 pm: One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
‘Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?’
‘Have you tried sandpaper?’ Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
‘Pinocchio,’ said Gepetto a few weeks later, ‘How is the problem... work out with your ‘Girlfriend?’
Said Pinocchio, ‘Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?’
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on December 15, 2009, 12:23:28 pm: A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the
Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you
not

To tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
That the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
Empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you
for
His new ears.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 15, 2009, 12:33:53 pm: AT LAST I'VE GOT THE CHRISTMAS TREE UP ;D

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself "it's better to make their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on December 15, 2009, 04:37:22 pm: A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says. ...
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 16, 2009, 01:55:23 pm: Cherie Blair's Chauffeur.

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on December 16, 2009, 01:57:25 pm: Ever wondered about the difference between Guts or Balls...? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 29, 2009, 10:44:08 am: Melbourne Zoo has acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat...

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species...

So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'

'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 29, 2009, 10:55:10 am: It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 04, 2010, 02:32:14 pm: The Oldham travelling circus are looking for a new human cannon ball unfortunately they cannot find any one of suitable calibre ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on January 04, 2010, 04:18:45 pm: I once got sacked from a circus..............I did them for fun-fair dismissal :-[
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 08, 2010, 12:05:20 pm: A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 08, 2010, 12:06:34 pm: Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in
front of him; the other a Star of David. Many people pass by and look at both
beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is
the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of
spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the
beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mike(liverpool boys) on January 16, 2010, 06:11:48 pm: Glasgow humour!!!

A passenger plane landed at Glasgow airport and after coming to a halt the pilot gives his usual speech but then forgets to switch the intercom off.
The co-pilot asks him what his plans are for the rest of his evening and the pilot replies "well first am going for a shite and then am gonae bang the arse off that new wee stewardess" unaware every passenger has just heard every word!
The new steardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront the pilot but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee glasgow wuman helps her up and says "take your time hen,he's goin for a shite first!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 18, 2010, 02:39:59 pm: 2010 Classes for Women
at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By WED JANUARY 27TH 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Tesco Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on January 18, 2010, 04:25:56 pm: Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins.... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a freekin' clueless eejit!'
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise" says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother", she thought....’I really like Denise’

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies "Denephew".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on January 26, 2010, 01:33:46 pm: Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 29, 2010, 10:12:52 am: I went to a casino last night and was stood next
to a guy playing Blackjack who kept having win
after win after win. I couldn't believe his luck,
then saw he was stood on what looked like
a bit of bread.

I asked him, "Mate, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll." ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 30, 2010, 11:56:34 pm: Loyal Blow-Up Doll Saves Owner's Life

They say that a dog is man's best friend. For an elderly Shanghai resident known as Yang, however, no dog can ever take the place of his life-saving blow-up doll.

This story begins in a residential apartment complex lodged in the dead center of Shanghai, China, where Yang has been living by himself for several years.

Yang used to reside here with his wife and son, but then his wife passed away, and soon after his son moved away to study. [...]

Yang happened to stumble upon such a set of negative comments while perusing the Internet and was so hurt by it, that he chose to commit suicide.

And so we come to January 3rd, 2010, around 4pm, when Yang jumped off the sixth floor of his apartment complex in an attempt to end his life.

Eyewitnesses at the scene were horrified, especially because it appeared as if he was clutching onto a little girl. And as he landed, there was a large bang, which onlookers assumed was Yang slamming into her poor little body.

Thankfully, it wasn't a girl or even a human. It was his blow-up doll, which immediately blew open as he crashed into it. Yang was knocked unconscious, but he soon after made a full recovery at a nearby hospital.

Quote
the sad bit if you thought this was a joke - http://www.weirdasianews.com/2010/01/28/loyal-blowup-doll-saves-owners-life/

Still makes me laugh, ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 31, 2010, 03:01:07 pm: Made me think of this story, which was in the current Private Eye.

http://www.vgchartz.com/forum/thread.php?id=94193&page=1
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 31, 2010, 04:49:50 pm: Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on January 31, 2010, 05:01:56 pm: AN IRISH GHOST STORY

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The
night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere
through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but it never touched or
harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying, and
wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other.....

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it !!!!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jason on February 01, 2010, 02:16:52 pm: shamelessly nicked from another forum:

For Valentines day Wayne Bridge got his girlfriend a replica of his manhood made from Cadbury's chocolate.

She said she prefers Terry's.

= = = =

NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again'

He is clearly not very good.

= = = = =

Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

"MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on February 01, 2010, 06:30:52 pm: Neatly following on from last joke: -

Subject:Security Levels

UNCLASSIFIED

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert...

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 03, 2010, 01:52:58 pm: Hitler practices his chat up lines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNrN2Dkgpgc&NR=1
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Papa Eric on February 06, 2010, 12:19:39 pm: •   What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that!
•   Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
•   Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving the fat eaters? It’s hardly fair.
•   They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
•   These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
•   We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and went off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
•   I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Steve on February 06, 2010, 08:49:52 pm: What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Marscapone
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 12, 2010, 11:08:29 pm: Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 12, 2010, 11:56:42 pm: Splashed out on a new bag and a belt for the Mrs for Valentines Day.

The Hoover works much better now... >:D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 22, 2010, 12:08:32 pm: Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 22, 2010, 12:09:01 pm: A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign

'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt

and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Pig-Pen on February 25, 2010, 02:41:27 am: haha
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 26, 2010, 10:07:00 am: Q: What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A: A wet nose
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 11, 2010, 03:46:38 pm: Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman's Friend pub.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said in a Wispa.

"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts", he replied.

He touched her Creme Eggs, then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks, while she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment, and she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett, who had Alsorts.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 12, 2010, 03:56:08 pm: The picture below was submitted by a Primary school girl (5yrs old) for a homework assignment

After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel !.

Mrs. Harrington

Yeah, right...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 16, 2010, 03:24:10 pm: A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with

your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 22, 2010, 10:02:46 am: A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat b$tch, you'll lose it eventually!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 23, 2010, 10:15:24 am: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/can-schumacher-restore-f1's-glory-days-of-utter-tedium?-200907311948/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 26, 2010, 10:45:32 am: A: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

Q: He worked it our with a pencil.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 30, 2010, 11:44:45 am: A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am
wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 13, 2010, 06:53:14 pm: A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor.
"Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.
I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, "she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe,
plus he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 21, 2010, 10:10:13 am: My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Title: Icelandic Volcano Party
Post by: dukla on April 21, 2010, 10:30:40 am: I am now voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party, as they have done more in the last 5 days to stop immigration than the government has done in the last 10 years.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 21, 2010, 11:40:41 am: NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on April 22, 2010, 06:50:36 am: A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean .. . ..

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 22, 2010, 03:09:56 pm: John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 22, 2010, 06:48:43 pm: Dear Lord,

I know that I haven't talked to you that much, but this past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favourite musician, Michael Jackson, and my favourite commentator , Billy McLaren.
I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Gordon Brown
Amen
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on April 22, 2010, 07:15:30 pm: What's the difference between the volcano on Iceland, and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing Ash.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 28, 2010, 10:44:32 pm: As a rule I don't pass on emailed "lists" but this is a good one and worth keeping going.

Please pass it on to as many folk as possible.

It has been circulating for some time now and it is estimated that it has reached over 20 million people so far.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so once you have added your name PLEASE send it on to keep it going.

To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name:

1. Mrs. Brown.

2.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 13, 2010, 10:03:28 am: A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides To
ask her students? what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had
Bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when
the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary
questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada Peter is able to tell her
which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 13, 2010, 05:06:20 pm: Old Jokes Home:

Q: What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

A: Crabs on your organ.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on May 20, 2010, 01:07:18 pm: This is an invaluable guide.....for those of you that are planning to venture into darkest depths of Essex

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on a sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mike(liverpool boys) on June 05, 2010, 06:07:43 pm: Duran Duran have released a new version of their classic "Rio" for the world cup.

Its called "His name is Rio (and he's watching from the stand)"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 21, 2010, 05:31:39 pm: The improved National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on July 03, 2010, 10:57:25 pm: Two French paratroopers were seconded to the British Parachute Regiment for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im ... 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?"

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?"

"I did not. I told 'im ... 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."
Title: An offer from Nigeria
Post by: dukla on July 06, 2010, 07:44:49 pm: An offer from Nigeria

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 09, 2010, 01:26:24 pm: Northumbria police have put a £10K price tag on Raoul Moat. If he doesn't get caught by Tuesday it goes up to £20K, making it a Raoul over.

Dear Mr Moat,

It has come to my notice that John Terry has also been shagging your misses while you were in prison.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

I'm a PC, and hiding from Raoul Moat is my idea

Dear Mr Moat,
R2, R2, L1, R2, Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down
You're welcome xxx

Raoul Moat - The only Ginger who was ever wanted

So, Raoul Moat has vowed to go on killing policemen until he's dead.
You know Raoul, traffic wardens are a lot like policemen.....

Ironically, it appears that Moat is being surrounded

I need Raoul Moat to be found between the 22nd and 24th July to win the work sweepstake!!

So, Raoul Moat says that the public have nothing to fear as he is only targeting Police Officers on his rampage...
On a completely unrelated topic, Northumberland Police have announced that today is "Dress Down Wednesday."

So Raoul Moat has declared war on the Police.
Well if he needs any recruits I'm his man. I f**k*ng hate Sting. Pretentious tosser

In a massive manhunt for just one man, Raoul Moat, police have arrested two men. Neither is Raoul Moat.
Well done lads.

1 in 10 of all armed police officers in England and Wales are now in Northumberland looking for Raoul Moat.
Can't help thinking now might be a good time to rob a bank.

Raoul Moat is a c**t
He hasn't accepted my facebook friend request.

Okay – Im sorry… None of these are even raoulmoatly funny
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: TobyAnscombe on July 09, 2010, 03:09:28 pm: Whats the difference between Ashley Cole and Raoul Moat?

Raoul Moat is still messing around in a geordie bush...

Budum tish!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brad Zarse on July 09, 2010, 04:16:14 pm: Quote from: Bob U on July 09, 2010, 01:26:24 pm
Northumbria police have put a £10K price tag on Raoul Moat. If he doesn't get caught by Tuesday it goes up to £20K, making it a Raoul over.

Dear Mr Moat,

It has come to my notice that John Terry has also been shagging your misses while you were in prison.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

I'm a PC, and hiding from Raoul Moat is my idea

Dear Mr Moat,
R2, R2, L1, R2, Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down
You're welcome xxx

Raoul Moat - The only Ginger who was ever wanted

So, Raoul Moat has vowed to go on killing policemen until he's dead.
You know Raoul, traffic wardens are a lot like policemen.....

Ironically, it appears that Moat is being surrounded

I need Raoul Moat to be found between the 22nd and 24th July to win the work sweepstake!!

So, Raoul Moat says that the public have nothing to fear as he is only targeting Police Officers on his rampage...
On a completely unrelated topic, Northumberland Police have announced that today is "Dress Down Wednesday."

So Raoul Moat has declared war on the Police.
Well if he needs any recruits I'm his man. I f**king hate Sting. Pretentious tosser

In a massive manhunt for just one man, Raoul Moat, police have arrested two men. Neither is Raoul Moat.
Well done lads.

1 in 10 of all armed police officers in England and Wales are now in Northumberland looking for Raoul Moat.
Can't help thinking now might be a good time to rob a bank.

Raoul Moat is a c**t
He hasn't accepted my facebook friend request.

Okay – Im sorry… None of these are even raoulmoatly funny

Im in the office. I am literally in tears laughing at this. My colleagues think I'm made..... if only they knew .... >:D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on July 09, 2010, 09:10:26 pm: Northumbrian shopkeepers be warned.

If Raoul Moat buys anything from you, be careful what change you give him.

Apparently he really really hates coppers
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on July 20, 2010, 09:18:49 pm: Quote from: Ferrari Spider on July 20, 2010, 05:41:43 pm
needed a chear-me-up today and this put a smile on my face ;D

And his penis! :D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 29, 2010, 03:03:00 pm: A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 02, 2010, 11:45:21 am: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem

To get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on August 09, 2010, 12:06:01 am: Got my niece an iPhone for her birthday the other week and recently got my other niece an iPod for hers .

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for my birthday.

Got my girlfriend an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 09, 2010, 11:06:07 am: A charity single has been recoded to help victims of the Pakistan floods. It's called.

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on August 12, 2010, 08:32:07 pm: Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not Raoul Moat
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on August 12, 2010, 10:14:24 pm: I've just been given two weeks to live,

The wife's off on a fortnights holiday ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 16, 2010, 11:37:43 am: A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £ 200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on August 20, 2010, 01:40:32 pm: Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --
just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad
cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single arsehole, blind bastard, dip sh*t or ****** anywhere we went today!'

-------------------------------------------------

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a valid tax disc.

---------------------------------------------------

Mr Goldschmidt goes to the Rabbi and says, "look, my little dog, my darling bubelah, he's 13 years old, good as gold, I vant to do something for him, how about holding a Bar Mitzvah for my dog ?"

The Rabbi looks at Goldschmidt in horror. "Goldschmidt, vot are you asking ? A Bar Mitzvah for a dog ? Nobody ever heard of such a thing...terrible, terrible, an insult to God...I vould be thrown out of the synagogue if it got around...No, no it's completely out of the question. Sorry, but no way can I hold a Bar Mitzvah for a dog".

Goldschmidt says, "well, dots a pity, because I was going to donate $10,000 to the synagogue...."

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then he smiles. "But Goldschmidt" he says, "so vhy didn't you tell me the dog is Jewish ?"

--------------------------------------

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 16, 2010, 10:45:41 am: What does George Michael have in common with the Chilean miners?

Both will be free after 8 weeks of heavy drilling!

Plenty more George jokes but none suitable for posting :o Just ask Kev or No Panic as I've emailed the rest to them :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 16, 2010, 11:48:05 am: Put them on here you woos. What's the worse that can happen?

Smokie slaps your wrist?

Tom Ploughs up your lawn?

Steve torches your house?

Nothing to worry about.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: TobyAnscombe on September 16, 2010, 11:51:10 am: Quote
Put them on here you woos. What's the worse that can happen?

Er, Bob.... not sure that you should say that without a spare pair of pants kicking around ;D ;D ;D

One from me:

Was asked to go and see my ex girlfriend today, You know how it goes... one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too impressed as I was only meant to be identifying the body.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 16, 2010, 12:54:38 pm: Just for Bob then ;D

there's other but its just not right to post em..........

Why was George Michael's automobile insurance canceled?
He was rear-ended too many times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's white and sticky and found on his jail bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For George Michael being a great musician, I agree. But while he's the greatest on the piano, I hear he sucks on the organ.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just heard that the only items George Michael will take with him into jail are,100 bars of soap,robert greens goalie gloves and a shower cap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyone notice an anagram of George Michael is He come, I gargle!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Michael has claimed that he drove into a lorry after swerving to avoid a man on a scooter.

He's blaming a Careless Vespa.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a chocolate bar that accidently found its way up George Michael's ar$$e?

A careless Whisper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sending George Michael to prison is like sending a paedophile to a nursery to do community service!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Michael was also arrested just before going to prison for stealing orange juice ... apparently he thought tropicana drinks were free.......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'I know it's only been a day, but I'm sick of this attention. My c88k being sucked and being bummed at will. I'm going to ask to go into solitary confinement' ... said George Michael's cellmate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How come it's always the celebrities that get lucky? I just read that George Michael has just won a 4 week 'All Inclusive' holiday, courtesy of HM Government

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gay singer George Michael has been sentenced to 8 weeks in prison for crashing his car whilst under the influence of cannabis.

His lawyer confirmed the star will be appealing his sentence, he wants 4 years.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BBC News: Singer George Michael faces drug charge
The Judge told Michael "you will probably be going down"
"Yes" Replied Michael "As soon as I'm in prison"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 16, 2010, 12:58:12 pm: Thanks Jules.

Another.

What have George Michael and a pair of wellies got in common.

They both get sucked off in bogs.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on October 05, 2010, 05:32:51 pm: Just discovered, edited from Tony Blairs latest autobiography

Hooker and Tony Blair!

I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50p!" I fired back.

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"

And I'd yell back "50p!"

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.

I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50p?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on October 05, 2010, 06:22:16 pm: Did you know....6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 07, 2010, 02:44:00 pm: Just bought a 3D TV, So realistic I fell asleep during the Liverpool game and woke up to find my wallet had gone.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on October 08, 2010, 05:00:26 pm: There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here, balls off".
The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug, balls off".
The next dog then coms in and say's,"My master is female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".
"And that's why you're here? Balls off?" asked the other dogs.

"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 12, 2010, 06:00:18 pm: Should have posted these over on the discussion about tickets, hows about a a bit of French bashing ;D

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks, it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."

--Mark Twain
------------------------------

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--General George S. Patton
------------------------------

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
--Marge Simpson
------------------------------

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
--Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
--Rush Limbaugh
------------------------------

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--Regis Philbin
------------------------------

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
--John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman
------------------------------

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in
Canada."
--Ted Nugent
------------------------------

"War without France would be like ... World War II."
--Unknown
------------------------------
"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one
that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"
--Tom Brokaw
------------------------------

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
--Alan Kent
-----------------------------

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
--Argus Hamilton
------------------------------

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq "
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."
--Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 21, 2010, 04:59:39 pm: A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 21, 2010, 05:02:15 pm: I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 30, 2010, 10:20:09 pm: A Chilean miner having sex his wife for first time since release:

Miner: Can we switch the lights off?
Wife: Of course!
Miner: Can I have you from behind?
Wife: Anything you want my brave boy.
Miner: Can I call you Pedro? :P
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 01, 2010, 04:43:49 pm: FIFTY YEARS OF TEACHING MATHS IN USA

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80.
Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robin Hod on November 03, 2010, 08:49:01 pm: SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on November 08, 2010, 09:49:41 pm: Something to offend everyone (not sure if its been posted already)

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom..
"Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now.."

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to "F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir.. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what's next?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on November 11, 2010, 10:55:03 pm: Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought just one ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their seats but all three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single hand emerged with a ticket. The conductor took it, checked it, handed it back and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the accountants, being clever with money, decided to copy the engineers on the return trip. When they got to the station, they bought one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a toilet and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers left his toilet and walked over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 22, 2010, 01:38:55 pm: A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

"I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. . . I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!''

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on November 23, 2010, 07:28:18 pm: A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 24, 2010, 04:44:50 pm: A personal message to you from David Cameron……

The UK is in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is

approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your arse,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 27, 2010, 03:49:25 pm: Winner of the Homer Simpson lookalike competition...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on December 02, 2010, 11:44:19 am: (http://tmdg.co.uk/images/warning.gif)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on December 11, 2010, 05:48:02 pm: A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's got a uniform on,she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for,

thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto - "We love to fly and it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto - "'Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto - "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the f**k is it you want?"

"Ah ::) ", he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 13, 2010, 10:20:50 am: A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I
help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 28, 2010, 06:02:33 pm: My wife thinks I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

Bollocks. I can stop anytime I want
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on January 06, 2011, 07:06:08 pm: I bought a car off Bonnie Tyler last year. It generally runs ok, but every now and then it falls apart.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 07, 2011, 02:16:31 pm: Q: What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A:To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A:A waiter.

Q: Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the Australian team?
A:The woman who ironed the cricket whites.

Q: Why don't Aussie fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What's the Aussie version of a hat trick?
A: Three runs in three balls.

Q: What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A:Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?
A:The walk back to the pavilion.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A:The entire Australian innings.

Q: What's the Australian version of LBW?
A:Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q: Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
A:Because they can't spell beer.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on January 08, 2011, 07:33:19 pm: Gerry Rafferty is - it seems - to be buried in the same cemetery as Ronald McDonald & Heath Ledger.

Clown to the left of me, joker to the right...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on January 24, 2011, 07:45:15 pm: Man

Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and
give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be
confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait.... Sorry......
I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that ...

Sorry
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 27, 2011, 11:45:39 am: It is reported that the female linesman Sian Massey was very upset even before the start of the recent Wolves v Liverpool game. Not because of Andy Gray's sexist comments but because the other linesman was wearing the same clothes as her.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on January 27, 2011, 06:41:03 pm: ;D

Guy on the right is very metro, he's holding a duster in his hand, obviously wants to help Sian with the house work.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on January 28, 2011, 02:15:07 pm: Sian Massey's nickname is now "Just for Men"
Used once and the Gray is gone ;D

By the way, can I just congratulate Sky on taking such a tough stance on sexism.
Wonder who's this weekend's soccerette? ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 02, 2011, 11:06:54 am: A man goes into his local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on February 03, 2011, 04:41:56 pm: Man goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on suicide.
Librarian says "feck off, you'll not bring it back"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on February 03, 2011, 06:06:17 pm: Q. What is 'FAP FAP FAP' ?

Answer 1. The sound of three Peugeots going past.

Answer 2. The sound of sombody w*****g in the next cubicle.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lord Steve on February 03, 2011, 08:01:30 pm: Quote from: Barry on January 27, 2011, 06:41:03 pm
;D

Guy on the right is very metro, he's holding a duster in his hand, obviously wants to help Sian with the house work.

Isn't that Max off East Enders?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on February 05, 2011, 10:14:47 pm: I used to know a woman who used to prefer blokes with tiny willies

Mind you, she was a bit shallow
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 09, 2011, 05:20:06 pm: What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby...............................

They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ....... And yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 15, 2011, 05:13:21 pm: I got ripped off by a dyslexic prostitute last night......I gave her a tenner and she cooked my sock
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: enzo on February 16, 2011, 01:05:21 pm: Dangers of Facebook

(http://files.sharenator.com/facebook_fail_light_knee_penis_fails_29-s473x692-128536.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 28, 2011, 03:20:22 pm: After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember,.... the Pope is German)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it, anyway ?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 28, 2011, 03:20:59 pm: A young couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome in Homebase either...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on April 01, 2011, 09:47:11 am: How ironic is it that Eddie Stobarts life was limited to 56? :oops:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 13, 2011, 11:35:33 am: A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 13, 2011, 12:47:47 pm: How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights
and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse
conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see
partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at
how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum,
leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole
time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom
with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo'
sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 13, 2011, 04:22:33 pm: This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on April 14, 2011, 11:15:36 am: Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.

Maybe he needs some new pokey-sticks?
Ulsterman Rory McIlroy carried the hopes of a nation as he went in to the last day of the Masters with a commanding four shot advantage and all the money he could ever possibly need.

But the dream collapsed at Augusta's par four 10th when the meteoric youngster drove into the trees after being distracted by a glimpse of a really nice Porsche 911, that he has since bought, grown bored of and abandoned in the car park of a seven-star hotel.

TV viewers in the UK wept like Italian grandmothers as McIlroy missed a series of putts that could have been holed by Italian grandmothers, all the while hiding his tragic face beneath the brim of the heavily-branded hat he gets paid tens of thousands of pounds to wear.

The BBC responded to McIlroy's collapse by placing a black border around the screen and playing Barber's Adagio for Strings over and over again.

Distraught presenter Hazel Irvine screamed 'Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee!' before cutting all her hair off, stripping naked and drowning herself in the lake at the par five 15th.

Commentators Ken Brown and Wayne Grady self-harmed with plastic forks and sharpened pencils, while Peter Allis said it was worse than watching Shoah, the nine and a half hour-long documentary about the Holocaust.

Allis added: "Cruel mistress... young lad... lesson learned... character-building... where am I?"

After his catastrophic final round of 374, McIlroy said: "I don't know what I'd do if my job wasn't inconsequential and I had absolutely nothing to worry about."

Meanwhile winner Charl Schwartzel said he will use his £880,000 prize money to buy back the missing letters from his name.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 16, 2011, 04:48:16 pm: A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with
more pleasure than his wife does.

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry sir'',
replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on May 04, 2011, 11:46:44 pm: At least Osama got to see the Royal wedding :)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on May 06, 2011, 09:59:01 pm: Not a Joke, but very funny.
On my journey from work in Poole to Home (around 19 miles) I pass 6 speed camera's, 3 of which are on the Dorset Way out of Bournemouth. I was trundling along on my bike this evening at around or just over the limit and saw the light of another bike in my mirrors a way back. Traffic was fairly heavy but we were keeping a steady pace. Suddenly, bloke on this over grown scooter came whizzing up my inside and cut my up as he swerved back into my lane. There are also numerous traffic light on my route so inevitably I caught him up at the lights by Bournemouth Hospital and enquired if he had a death wish and if so would mind not involving me in it (well words to that effect with a few expletives thrown in, there was a biker death crash there 2 weeks ago). He told me to go forth and multiply. The lights went green and he stormed off on his scooter only to be stopped at the next lights, I was ok to follow on behind and again he stormed off at the green. He must of forgotten about the next camera about 100 yards up the road, my joy at seeing his number plate lit up by the camera was unbounded, I nearly fell off laughing, he didn't flinch so I'm guessing he didn't notice, too intent on wringing as much out of this thing as possible, unfortunately he went off in a different direction at the next roundabout so I could not deliver the good news, so the Posty could have the pleasure of delivering the Justice. Made my day!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on May 08, 2011, 04:37:15 pm: Stephen Hawking went on a blind date last week.

He came home with bruises and scrapes down his left hand side, a black eye, broken glasses, and a broken little finger.

Apparently she stood him up.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on May 08, 2011, 11:22:42 pm: DNA of Bin Laden came back with a reading of

- 24% cocoa,
- 52% coconut,
- 18% sugar
and 6% milk.

Experts say this is probably due to the ‘Bounty’ on his head
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on May 10, 2011, 12:31:20 pm: Upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner/Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

As well, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3, to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Signed,
Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command: "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

Tech tip!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend: HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as: FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on May 10, 2011, 12:43:24 pm: Love it!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on May 10, 2011, 03:54:41 pm: A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM!

'Viagra'
is now available In powder form

For your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

But it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on May 11, 2011, 01:23:31 pm: Just been to Starbucks and tried their new coffee. Osama Bin Latte, a white frothy head with a couple of shots in it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 12, 2011, 10:46:38 am: After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual, he was asked to strip off; he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.....

"At this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on May 12, 2011, 02:05:22 pm: A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf When she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your feet are too far apart.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 20, 2011, 03:13:12 pm: A couple of leg pullers -

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 25, 2011, 10:04:17 am: In light of the dispatching of Osama Bin Laden

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on May 25, 2011, 11:04:01 am: Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from home sickness, saying that even though he is happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on May 25, 2011, 11:26:29 am: Imogen Thomas, the lady at the centre of the Twitter scandal, says that she's taking up a career in music. She claims to have done giggs in Manchester already.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on May 25, 2011, 06:27:33 pm: Came out of a chippy eating fish and chips a tramp said to me " I haven't had anything to eat for 5 days" so I said to him "I wish I had your will power!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on May 30, 2011, 12:42:28 pm: My girlfriend said to me this morning, "Man U were sh*t last night."
I left the room in tears; 4 minutes is a personal best for me.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on June 04, 2011, 12:40:17 pm: My wife wants me to get rid of all my Monkees memorabilia.

Honestly, I've had it for years, and I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hansy69 on June 05, 2011, 09:45:56 pm: Paddy and Murphy playing marbles in the gutter.........

Paddy fell off the roof.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 08, 2011, 10:38:33 am: for those of us still at home..................

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on June 24, 2011, 01:09:35 pm: magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show,

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fisking ship?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 08, 2011, 03:29:24 pm: During a moment of weakness a Doctor has sex with one of his patients. He becomes tortured with guilt.
In one ear his conscience is saying "you're a single man, don't worry about it"
In his other ear his conscience is saying "you're a bloody Vet you sick Bastard"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 11, 2011, 08:03:33 pm: Well my new gym membership didn't last long! First day there I am bending over and spot a hole in the bottom of my trainer just big enough to push my finger inside. - She has made a formal complaint and now I'm bloody banned!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 13, 2011, 10:04:11 am: Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...............

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet
he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog
by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

............

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
.............
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just
above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

and of course:

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone
should have the words
"She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be
ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the
headstone is ready
and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that
it's been engraved
"She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've
left the blood y "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely
and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:
"There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on July 19, 2011, 05:12:22 pm: A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting

sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,

"If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you weren't so damn ugly, it would lift by itself."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 25, 2011, 10:39:01 am: A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Pub in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The barman approached the little drunk and said,

"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on July 25, 2011, 04:03:25 pm: At Amy Winehouse's funeral, Elton John will play 'Candle unde the Spoon'

Coat
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 25, 2011, 05:05:56 pm: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Sir Alex Ferguson?

Ferguson can still play Giggs

or

Alex Higgins and George Best are said to be extremely excited…..

They have just found out heavens getting a new winehouse.

and finally.........

What have Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson got in common?

They both had a 10 year old crack addiction.

I'll get my coat......
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on July 26, 2011, 11:09:04 am: I was asked if I had any Amy Winehouse jokes.
I said "No, no, no"

::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on July 26, 2011, 04:44:46 pm: My wife asked me why the laptop was all sticky, I told her I'd spilt ice cream on it.

She asked how on earth I'd managed to do that.

Honestly, w**king and eating ice cream's not easy you know.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on July 27, 2011, 01:54:10 pm: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Richard Hammond?

Richard Hammond survived Top Gear
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on July 27, 2011, 01:54:41 pm: Three friends married women from different parts of the world......

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Yorkshire . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could
fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some
difficulty when he pees.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on July 27, 2011, 01:56:08 pm: Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on July 27, 2011, 01:57:03 pm: (http://thekevinchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/asian-guy-in-inception.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 11, 2011, 02:37:26 pm: Q: What's the difference between Croydon and Fernando Torres.

A: Croydon's on fire.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 11, 2011, 02:39:34 pm: Q. What's the difference between Mark Duggan and Peter Crouch?

A. Crouch never set Tottenham alight.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on August 12, 2011, 06:26:28 pm: Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water and 7 miles for food...........This is because the daft f**k*r torched Peckham Costcutter and Tottenham KFC and now has to walk to Tooting for breakfast.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on August 24, 2011, 01:39:37 pm: A couple were driving and ran over a possum, the possum was all wet, mangy and cold. The husband suggested that the wife put the possum between her legs to keep it warm, "But it stinks" said the wife, " Well hold the possums nose then"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 25, 2011, 08:53:23 pm: My doctor has just diagnosed me with colourblindness.

It hit me like a bolt out of the grey. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 25, 2011, 08:53:58 pm: Q: Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia?

A: Well tough sh*t, I've forgotten it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on August 26, 2011, 02:10:07 am: My wife is going to a fancy dress party.
I've promised to do her hair.
She's going as a rastafarian; I'm dreading it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on September 05, 2011, 11:25:45 pm: Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.

About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one
more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we
could...'

At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough.

I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on September 09, 2011, 10:30:02 am: Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself"

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on September 10, 2011, 04:34:53 pm: A man approaches a tasty young woman in a shop.

He says "I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes"?

The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is"?

".....Not a clue, but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere"!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on September 12, 2011, 04:22:15 pm: The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday
morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately
sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other
w@nker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another
w@nker?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on September 22, 2011, 01:14:20 pm: Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University,

has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 22, 2011, 05:51:55 pm: I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on September 22, 2011, 10:32:54 pm: dire straights are touring with chris rea next year.
dire rea 2012
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 22, 2011, 10:52:29 pm: What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 26, 2011, 10:35:59 am: A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar
goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound
English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man
nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a
taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its
alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 26, 2011, 10:38:17 am: Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on September 26, 2011, 10:01:01 pm: I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on September 26, 2011, 11:01:25 pm: Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 29, 2011, 09:54:40 am: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 29, 2011, 06:00:23 pm: Are you insured for sex?

The Correct Insurance Companies are:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex On the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with a Transvestite - Confused.com

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a Posh bird - Privileged
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 29, 2011, 06:01:56 pm: A bloke took a girl home after clubbing last night, after a few drinks they went upstairs.

While they were taking their clothes off a voice came from the bed: -

"I hope that's not that fat bitch from last week!"

The girl said "what the f**k was that?"

Bloke said "it's that bastard memory foam mattress!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 29, 2011, 06:02:27 pm: Just having a walk & saw this fat girl with a t-shirt on that said "I love hip hop"

To be honest I think the letters C & S had fallen off.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on October 10, 2011, 09:09:27 pm: One day in and already it looks like Paul McCartney's latest marriage is in trouble, as he finds out that compared to his last wife this one is spending twice as much on shoes ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 14, 2011, 11:43:44 am: Roony letter to UEFA leaked
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on October 24, 2011, 06:03:20 pm: A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, sh*t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 25, 2011, 05:36:49 pm: For all of us who hate Man U

After a hard long think, United have had to come to terms with the fact they should not have rested Howard Webb for such an important game.

Last week Patrice Evra accused Luis Suarez of racism. This week he has accused the whole Manchester City team of rape.

Manchester City have just gained a large following in the Chinese province of Sichuan. (get it)

Man U fans will be 6 to their stomachs after that 1

After Man Utd's 6-1 defeat, fans have been spotted crying in the streets of Brighton, Dundee, Cardiff. . . .It's a long journey home to Surrey

What's the difference between a black cab and David De Gea?

A black cab only lets five in!

Man Utd fans crisis helpline:

0161 616 1616

Today was the first time Manchester U****d have lost at home for 18 months. It's also the first time that Alex Ferguson has been seen pointing to his watch and telling the fourth official "That's enough!".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mister psycho on November 03, 2011, 07:54:46 pm: Plagiarised from another forum............. ???

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does f@ck all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on November 04, 2011, 06:18:13 pm: (http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q103/cooperlola/Lightswitch.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 12, 2011, 11:09:00 am: Q: What has two wings and a halo?

A: A Chinese telephone
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on November 12, 2011, 08:18:07 pm: (http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o134/landman1964/IMG_0384.png)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on November 14, 2011, 12:24:14 pm: Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on November 15, 2011, 04:13:41 pm: The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 18, 2011, 12:31:25 pm: Old Parliamentary Committee Jokes Home

Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"James Murdoch."
"James Murdoch who?"
"I really have no recollection of that."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on November 21, 2011, 06:48:22 pm: A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?
The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the mind of the True Scouser.. This is why they survive
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on November 22, 2011, 04:51:27 pm: And on tonights 'I'm a celebrity, Get me out of here' the bushtucker trial will be a kangaroo having to eat one of Fatima Whitbreads testicles.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on November 25, 2011, 10:18:51 pm: Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.....
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on November 26, 2011, 09:14:10 pm: What's the difference between a joiner and a carpenter?

A joiner works with wood, a carpenter pents cars.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on November 29, 2011, 12:13:43 am: Sad news.

I've spent most of the day by my wife's grave.

She thinks I'm digging out a plunge pool that she's been nagging me for since last summer...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 01, 2011, 06:29:22 pm: Old Football Jokes Home:

An*l sex is like getting your first Man Utd scarf. You don't want it, but your uncle gives it to you anyway.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 01, 2011, 06:30:04 pm: Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to f*ck off.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on December 04, 2011, 02:03:36 pm: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on December 20, 2011, 06:28:57 pm: Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas... Save some for Kim Jong-Il's funeral on the 28th...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 21, 2011, 01:00:08 pm: Kim Jong Il, getting down with the phat beatz.......................

http://kimjongildroppingthebass.tumblr.com/

;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 21, 2011, 09:39:03 pm: Did Kim Jong Ill become Kim Jong Very Ill, then finally turn into Kim Jong Dead?

Phoned the police today to tell them I thought I'd found a bomb.

"What does it look like?" they asked.

"Well, it's disguised as a sandwich and it has two wires coming out of it and a timer on the side." I said.

"Is it ticking?"

"No, I think it's beef."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on December 22, 2011, 10:46:25 pm: Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either

but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 05, 2012, 09:30:44 pm: A little boy asks his grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why.

Little boy replies, "Because Mummy said when you croak we're all going to Disneyland".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 06, 2012, 01:49:24 pm: On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 16, 2012, 01:32:13 pm: After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe
her.

He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I,
J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic
about saving his testicles
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on February 17, 2012, 04:17:23 pm: Whitney Houston is to star in a new film, "The Bodybag"

Bobby Brown has also been found dead. Friends say the last time they saw him he was singing "Two can play that game"

Everyone’s a comedian these days, even the paramedic who unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn’t resist the old gag when he radioed dispatch and said “its Houston we have a problem.”

What's the difference between a Diva and a diver?
Only one of them can breathe underwater.

First Amy Winehouse and now Whitney Houston; Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.

S
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 15, 2012, 05:45:25 pm: A thief stole all the toilet seats from Scotland Yard last night.

The Met Police say they have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on March 15, 2012, 06:08:14 pm: (http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/314574_296866763676117_205344452828349_1139986_1093402564_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on March 15, 2012, 07:49:50 pm: nice.approved by J.E.D.I.master
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 27, 2012, 10:06:08 am: Tulisa taking out a gagging order over a video of her giving a **** ***. Now that's irony.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 29, 2012, 06:31:19 pm: Wayne Rooney visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital this week.

"It's amazing, I swear he is starting to string a few basic sentences together," said Fabrice.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gt6 on March 30, 2012, 09:12:08 am: Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark
from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner
tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then
you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lazy B'stard on April 05, 2012, 03:09:09 pm: In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as; "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just f**ked a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 17, 2012, 04:16:26 pm: At Last a Rational explanation of the Game – (Compiled by members of the pack)??.

It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game that rugby started off purely as a contest for forwards in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men of statuesque physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence in packs against one another.

In those days, the winner was the pack that won the most set pieces. The debasement of the game began when backs were introduced. This occurred because a major problem was where to locate the next scrum or line-out.
Selecting positions on the ground for these had become a constant source of friction and even violence.

The problem was resolved by employing forward rejects, men of small stature and limited intelligence, to run aimlessly around within the field of play.
Following a set piece, the ball would be thrown to one of them, who would establish the next location either by dropping it or by throwing it to another reject for dropping. Very occasionally, a third reject would receive the ball before it would be dropped, and crowds would wildly cheer on these rare occasions. Initially these additional players were entirely disorganized but with the passing of time they adopted set positions.

For instance, take the half-back. He was usually one of the smallest and least intelligent of the backs whose role was simply to accept the ball from a forward and to pass it on to one of the other rejects who would drop it, providing the new location for the forwards to compete. He could easily (given his general size) have been called a quarter forward or a ball monkey but then tolerance and compassion are the keys to forward play and the present euphemism was decided on.

The five-eighth plays next to the half-back and his role is essentially the same except that when pressured, he usually panics and kicks the ball.
Normally, he is somewhat taller and slightly better built than the half-back and hence his name. One-eighth less and he would have been a half-back, three-eighths more and he might well have qualified to become a forward.

The centres were opportunists who had no expertise but wanted to share in the glamour associated with forward packs. After repeated supplication to the forwards for a role in the game they would be told to get out in the middle of the field and wait for instructions. Thus, when asked where they played, they would reply "in the centre". And they remain to this day, parasites and scroungers who mostly work as lawyers or used car dealers.

You may ask, why wingers? The answer is simple. Because these were players who had very little ability and were the lowest in the backline pecking order, they were placed as far away from the ball as possible. Consequently, and because the inside backs were so diligent in their assigned role of dropping the ball whenever they received it, the main contribution to the game made by the winger was not to get involved. Their instructions were to run away as quickly as possible whenever trouble appeared, and to avoid tackles at all costs. The fact that the game was organised so that the wingers didn't get to touch the ball led to an incessant flow of complaints from them and eventually the apt description "whingers" was applied. Even though the "h" dropped off over the years, the whingeing itself unfortunately has not.

Lastly, the full-back. This was the position given to the worst handler, the person least able to accept or pass the ball, someone who was always in the way. The name arose because the forwards would understandably become infuriated by the poor play invariably demonstrated by that person, and call out "send that fool back". He would then be relegated well out of everyone's way to the rear of the field.

So there you have it. Let's return to the glory days of a contest between two packs of eight men of statuesque physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence. The rest can go off to where they will be happier, playing soccer.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: termietermite on May 05, 2012, 07:56:59 pm: http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on May 06, 2012, 10:56:07 am: Quote from: termietermite on May 05, 2012, 07:56:59 pm
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

ROFL - Just spilled my coffee on the table
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on May 07, 2012, 01:50:39 pm: Quote from: Werner on May 06, 2012, 10:56:07 am
Quote from: termietermite on May 05, 2012, 07:56:59 pm
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

ROFL - Just spilled my coffee on the table

Tears streaming whilst curled up laughing.... F** FUNNY
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jason on May 09, 2012, 01:50:57 pm: Thanks to Andy for reminding me of this one

A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet.
"Hi, what`s your name," he asks the first duck
"Huey"
"What you been doing today"
"I've been playing around in Puddles"
"Nice, and you are?" he asks the second
"Louie"
"And what have you been doing today?"
"I've been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I'd do it again"
"Oh," and to the last," you must be Dewy?"
"NO! I'm Puddles, and don't you dare ask me how my days been!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on May 09, 2012, 03:00:47 pm: The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman.

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
...
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said,
'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What
happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and
made a profit of £898'. The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lazy B'stard on May 09, 2012, 04:14:48 pm: Quote from: termietermite on May 05, 2012, 07:56:59 pm
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

So that's where Big H has been hiding. I did wonder where he now spends his time.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on May 09, 2012, 07:59:47 pm: Quote
So that's where Big H has been hiding. I did wonder where he now spends his time.

In fact, in my (sadly inadequate) defence Si, all I can say is I prefer Fiery Jack, - it has all the benefits of excruciating pain and groinal pyrotechnics, without the embarrassment of depillation. I find a council strimmer best for that.

H
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 11, 2012, 01:57:47 pm: What we can learn from cows:

SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 11, 2012, 04:04:58 pm: Keep with the "Dairy" theme...................................................................

Q: How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

A: Caerphilly.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on May 11, 2012, 07:42:17 pm: What sort of cheese can you hide a horse in?

Mascarpone.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on May 11, 2012, 07:43:16 pm: I'm going out tonight with some members of my OCD support group.

Things aren't going to get messy.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 24, 2012, 01:47:06 pm: Wife texts husband on a cold spring day -"Windows frozen".

He texts back "Pour lukewarm water over".

A further text from wife, "Thanks, PC completely buggered now".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on May 29, 2012, 03:47:32 pm: A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on May 31, 2012, 06:18:03 pm: Q) What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?

A) I O U
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on May 31, 2012, 06:21:39 pm: Things are now so bad in Syria that Bernie Ecclestone's has been on the phone to President Assad to arrange for a new grand prix to be run in Damascus next season.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 14, 2012, 06:08:07 pm: Polish fans have been officially warned that if they cause any more trouble during Euro 2012 they will be deported back to the UK.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lazy B'stard on June 15, 2012, 11:15:36 am: A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"this is the fat stinking pig i have to shag when you're not up for sex".
His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
He says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on June 28, 2012, 05:22:16 pm: Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 04, 2012, 02:36:18 pm: A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs-Bosons in here.”

The Higgs-Boson says “But without me how can you have mass?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on July 07, 2012, 11:38:04 am: A wife is making a breakfast of fried eggs. Suddenly, her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful!" he says "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stares at him. "What in the world is wrong with you!? Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 20, 2012, 03:14:25 pm: Q. How many G4S security staff does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Six soldiers and a policeman.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 08, 2012, 10:39:27 am: Not safe for work or viewing with children.

http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/5852
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 12, 2012, 02:47:03 pm: my army mate told me this one.
a coach on the way to the para olympic crashed.
it took 2 days to seperate the wreckage from the coach.
sorry to all offended.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on August 15, 2012, 11:06:56 pm: 7 Paralympian Wheelchair athletes have been banned after being discovered using WD40.

For Sale on ebay, Victoria Pendleton's saddle. Bargain not to be sniffed at :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 03, 2012, 10:03:50 pm: Fred Budworth, the fearsome traffic warden from our town was taken ill last week and died. At the funeral, as his coffin was being lowered into the grave, there was a dreadful hammering and a banging from within... 'Let me out, let me out..I'm not dead.. I'm NOT DEAD'.

The vicar leans forwards and whispers.... 'Sorry mate, I've already started the paperwork..'
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on September 04, 2012, 04:39:17 pm: ****** Don't Look If Easily Offended or Want the Sack *******

http://fiftyshadesgenerator.com (http://fiftyshadesgenerator.com)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 21, 2012, 06:40:26 pm: My life was in tatters because of my obsession with the Okey-Cokey.

But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 22, 2012, 11:58:55 am: Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....

"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "this is a very rare breed, have you any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks” Paddy replied".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on September 22, 2012, 12:14:39 pm: Here’s a picture of me with REM.... that’s me in the corner.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on September 22, 2012, 01:35:40 pm: If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery...What kind of car would you buy first?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on September 24, 2012, 12:51:19 pm: Quote
Here’s a picture of me with REM.... that’s me in the corner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj_F9yRpx_M

I know, it's cruel to laugh...

H
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on September 26, 2012, 08:42:55 pm: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 28, 2012, 12:20:49 pm: Q: What's the difference between Stevie Wonder and Jeremy Forrest?

A: Jeremy Forrest only has one £u<ke9 pupil.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 28, 2012, 08:56:30 pm: What do you get when you add 30 and 15 together?

A European arrest warrant.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dangermouse on September 28, 2012, 09:08:59 pm: Who would be a School Teacher eh?
One day you're taking the register and the next day you're on it ::)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on September 28, 2012, 11:33:13 pm: ‎30yr old maths teacher takes 15yr old student 100 miles to France at an average speed of 35mph. How many years will he spend in prison?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on October 15, 2012, 05:50:30 pm: Felix Baumgartner has just found the ball from Chris Waddle's penalty in World Cup 1990.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on October 15, 2012, 05:50:49 pm: As he's now the greatest diver ever and performs superbly when there's no atmosphere, Liverpool have now made a £47 million bid for Felix Baumgartner!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 15, 2012, 05:52:58 pm: Sadly, already one person has vowed he can beat Felix's dive tonight and his claims are being taken seriously by all at NASA.

"I can confirm that we have been contacted by a Mr L. Suarez of Liverpool, UK, who has said he can do better" said a startled NASA spokesman.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on October 21, 2012, 08:36:22 pm: On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray BakerBridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 30, 2012, 03:53:08 pm: As the BBC sex scandal worsens,

it now emerges that Basil Brush's catch phrase 'Bum Bum' was actually a cry for help !!........
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob T on November 05, 2012, 02:49:32 am: Whats 8" long, slimy and you'd be horrified to find in your daughters bedroom?

Jimmy Savile's cigar
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 13, 2012, 09:58:49 pm: (http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/11.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on November 15, 2012, 05:53:13 pm: When I was a kid I always remember DLT putting a smile on my face when he treated us all to a new release
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob T on November 16, 2012, 12:08:29 am: Jimmy Savile's family have had his gravestone removed along with any flowers as a mark of respect.
It just leaves a small hole with no bush.

It's what he would have wanted.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 22, 2012, 05:33:47 pm: I was stopped in Boots the other day by an assistant who asked me what my favourite grooming products were.

I replied, "A packet of chocolate buttons and a half a bottle of vodka works for me."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SL on November 22, 2012, 06:00:18 pm: What bounces and makes children in Somilia cry?

My cheque for Children in need.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on November 28, 2012, 09:10:43 am: Last night Tayside police discovered arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5m in forged bank notes and 25 Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a terraced house behind the Public library in Mid-Craigie Dundee . Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said 'we're all shocked, we never knew we had a library.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on November 29, 2012, 05:39:25 pm: I found myself drowning in an ocean of orange soda yesterday.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on November 29, 2012, 07:58:19 pm: An old couple are sitting quietly in church.

He whispers to her,"I think I just did a silent but very smelly fart... what should I do?"

She replies... "turn up your hearing aid".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on December 05, 2012, 11:47:48 pm: HMRC has returned a Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: 'Do you have anyone dependant on you?', the man wrote "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

His response back to HMRC was "who did I miss out?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian(Liverpool boys) on December 07, 2012, 05:56:25 pm: Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 22, 2012, 06:10:28 pm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMk8KKWAq7c

Poor Carol.............................. ;D, full explanation here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/17/otters-pocket-prank-bbc-breakfast-video_n_1209859.html
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on January 16, 2013, 05:45:05 pm: In light of today's news of Tesco's burgers containing horsemeat...

A horse walks into a bap....

Tesco are to offer a refund to customers that have bought burgers recently!
I wonder what the odds were on that?

Tesco's so far behind the times!! My Lidl Pony has been going for years!

News: Horsemeat discovered in beefburgers on sale at Tesco.
In other news Katie Price and Stacie Solomon are thought to be missing. They were last seen beside a Tesco van.

I'm off now to Burger King to try the Royal Ascot with cheese promotion!

Tesco have admitted there are traces of horse in their burgers.
Still no traces of chicken found in there drumsticks and other chicken products though.

I don't know what all the fuss is about horse meat being found in burgers.
We've been eating birds eyes fish fingers for years

If you think Tesco using Horsemeat is bad, just wait until you hear about what HMV has got planned for Nipper the dog.

Ifangyew... I'm here all week.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on January 16, 2013, 05:47:14 pm: Tesco burgers: low in fat, high in Shergar.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 16, 2013, 05:59:35 pm: Did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on January 17, 2013, 12:23:01 pm: Quote from: Steve Pyro on January 16, 2013, 05:59:35 pm
Did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum"

Beware the "chewy bit" :o
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 18, 2013, 09:55:24 am: - just remember, an HMV voucher is not just for Christmas, it's for life....................

- I've just been in the loft and found a 1979 copy of TV Times. Or, as it's now known, the sex offenders register.

- There are no burgers left on Tesco's shelves, try their meatballs. They're the dogs bollocks
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on January 18, 2013, 10:31:23 am: A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...
Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 24, 2013, 10:21:44 pm: (http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/405988_484115321646391_1553641389_n.jpg)

(http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/269479_413314638742630_1443395069_n.jpg)

(http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/319715_489198294459329_205281951_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 01, 2013, 01:58:26 pm: After all the furore of horse meat being found in Tesco burgers, Primark are in the spotlight this week with camel toe being found in all their leggings.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 07, 2013, 04:44:45 pm: I had to sack my east European cleaner today. It took her four hours just to hoover the lounge.

Turns out she's a Slovak
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 14, 2013, 04:14:08 pm: A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on February 14, 2013, 04:16:24 pm: -No judge in South Africa is going to let Oscar Pistorius get away with killing his girlfriend.

Why? Because he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

-They call him the Blade Runner. Maybe he thought she was a replicant.

- Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your girlfriend out on Valentine's Day.

-What was Oscar Pistorius' favourite band?

Bullet For My Valentine.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on February 16, 2013, 11:39:35 pm: Oscar Pistorius - surprised he used a gun. He has always been so handy with blades!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on February 16, 2013, 11:52:01 pm: The New 2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ##### to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 18, 2013, 12:08:23 am: Quote from: Canada Phil on February 16, 2013, 11:52:01 pm
The New 2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ##### to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Brill : )
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on February 20, 2013, 06:35:12 pm: Inspired by earlier post...

(http://data.whicdn.com/images/8727320/car,funny,girls,humor,humour,lol-0c51413a60c439960caeab4f5aa5d05e_h_large.jpg)

Or better still...

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RWllCH2nhm8/T0VQ-hSqNDI/AAAAAAAACaM/J2xZb5cxDlI/s1600/the+girly+car+dashboard.jpg)

Quote from: Canada Phil on February 16, 2013, 11:52:01 pm
The New 2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ##### to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on February 22, 2013, 02:52:32 pm: Following the horse meat scandal, BMW reassured its customers that their products still contain 100% c**t.

Apparently Oscar Pistorious wanted a new bathroom door, but his missus was dead against it.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on February 25, 2013, 11:44:17 pm: Four guys had been going together to Le Mans for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three arrived at the camp site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, dinner cooking on the barbecue, sitting and having a cold beer.

"sh*t Ron, how long you been here and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since this morning.

I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and dragged me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, I did!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on February 27, 2013, 11:29:49 pm: "If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste.

Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 28, 2013, 09:13:10 am: IT vs. Management

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on March 06, 2013, 08:31:41 pm: A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

“Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on March 07, 2013, 03:13:12 pm: I bought a car from Bonnie Tyler.

It runs OK but every now and then it falls apart
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 07, 2013, 03:50:23 pm: My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class w*nk him off.

I sat him down and said "Son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on March 11, 2013, 10:56:36 am: Quote from: Jules G on March 07, 2013, 03:50:23 pm
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class w*nk him off.

I sat him down and said "Son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you."

Hahaha!
I shouldn't laugh, but I really did. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on March 11, 2013, 10:41:01 pm: I hear HMP Holloway womens football team have got a new proven penalty taker...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 14, 2013, 10:22:18 am: They've elected Jim Bowen!

(http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/image002-1_zps58919eab.jpg)

(http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh114/JulesGee/image003_zps3a08071c.jpg)

Keep out of the black and in red, nothing done about boys and men in a bed.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 14, 2013, 02:46:03 pm: A young choirboy catches his priest spanking the monkey.
"What are you doing Father?" he asks.
"It's called masturbating", the priest replies, "And you'll be doing this soon".
"Why's that father?"
"Because my wrist is killing me".
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on May 10, 2013, 07:42:20 pm: A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gatordad on May 16, 2013, 05:16:58 pm: So, as we get into great weather in Europe and the northern climes of the old US of A it becomes time for golf. I thought I would publish some of the rules we should always try to follow to assist your game moving forward. I hope this helps.

Don 't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a 30 foot putt. For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 AM to mow the grass.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)...

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing brain surgery !!!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on June 17, 2013, 07:48:25 pm: They've named an entire sporting complex after Chris Hoy. Seems a tad velodromatic to me
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gatordad on June 17, 2013, 10:07:08 pm: I'm sorry, this is just too perfect!

http://vimeo.com/66753575
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on July 09, 2013, 10:00:58 am: Odds on being next to pick up the Ashes:

Alastair Cook - 2/5

Michael Clarke - 5/1

Nelson Mandela's family - Evens
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on July 12, 2013, 05:35:30 am: I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”

“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my i-Pad”

That spider never knew what f**k*ng hit it.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on August 06, 2013, 06:21:20 pm: At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he
was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular.

Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealership, stands up and
proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new car every
year and his wife with a people carrier to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If
the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 58, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and
holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead
with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my Abe how we could help, and he said, "F*ck him."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 06, 2013, 07:51:05 pm: how many men does it take to open a can of beer?
it should be open when the woman brings it to him.
as the poison dwarf once said a woman is a domestic Appliance.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on August 14, 2013, 11:05:53 am: The new paperless world (http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0).
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 14, 2013, 05:37:05 pm: french roll d bog has always been cr#p
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on August 23, 2013, 05:13:09 pm: Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the
> very first time.
>
> The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum
> hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
>
> 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied,
> 'Cuz,
> if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up
> in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
>
> The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant
> orange panties.'
>
> 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
>
> The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
> floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
>
> The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.' 'Wot? No
> panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
>
> The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
> wearing
> no panties, cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first.'
>
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on August 23, 2013, 05:34:43 pm: Good bit of racial stereotyping there, Paul. ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 23, 2013, 09:54:41 pm: i is a lovin floe resant
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gatordad on August 27, 2013, 03:16:52 pm: there's gotta be funny jokes without racism, right?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 27, 2013, 07:05:29 pm: yea blonde jokes go down well in France. Dolce and Gabana fashion brand is how blonde french gids remember left and right/
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 27, 2013, 08:15:54 pm: Quote from: gatordad on August 27, 2013, 03:16:52 pm
there's gotta be funny jokes without racism, right?
No difference to the old Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes. The word racism was never mentioned then.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gatordad on September 05, 2013, 09:38:00 pm: Quote from: Bob U on August 27, 2013, 08:15:54 pm
Quote from: gatordad on August 27, 2013, 03:16:52 pm
there's gotta be funny jokes without racism, right?
No difference to the old Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes. The word racism was never mentioned then.

Not a Race...a Nationality...big difference. We are a bit sensitive to racism here in the good old US of A.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on September 06, 2013, 10:28:01 pm: I'm delighted. After 18 months of looking, I've finally found myself a deaf sheepdog.

They're surprisingly hard to come by.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 07, 2013, 12:58:45 pm: Not sure if this should be posted in this thread or the YouTube thread, however as its not car related and it's a funny I chose to post it here. Very def NSFW: -
http://youtu.be/6JXlF3SbnqE
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on November 06, 2013, 11:19:32 pm: What have a burnt piece of toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you pulled it out a few seconds earlier.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LuxExpat on November 07, 2013, 02:28:24 pm: Quote from: landman on November 06, 2013, 11:19:32 pm
What have a burnt piece of toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you pulled it out a few seconds earlier.

Quoted so Paul can't escape the shame of living in 1995. ;)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 13, 2013, 02:46:52 pm: I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no oncoming traffic.

A car-load of bearded young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Jack flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on December 04, 2013, 08:07:39 pm: Time to bump the joke thread...

(http://faildesk.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/windows_virus.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 04, 2013, 08:13:13 pm: Q: What is Nigella doing on her new Xmas show?

A: Cold turkey.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on December 04, 2013, 09:54:34 pm: I opened the door slowly, and my gaze fell on a leather clad woman brandishing a whip.

That's the last time I buy an advent calendar in Lidl
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on March 06, 2014, 03:57:11 pm: A drunk bloke walks past a man repairing a car.
"What's up?" says the drunk.
"Piston broke", says the mechanic.
"Ha ha" answers the drunk, "Me too!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on May 17, 2014, 03:00:25 am: Missing wife ..

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height ?

Husband:-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?.

Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes ?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair ?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-tell me the number,name & color of the car ? . .. . . .

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...

-
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on August 15, 2014, 01:14:50 pm: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on August 21, 2014, 09:40:33 pm: Quote from: Jules G on August 15, 2014, 01:14:50 pm
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.

reminds me of this -

Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

You cant Marmalade your c**k in a girls a**e............
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on August 24, 2014, 06:56:02 pm: The Environment Agency are about to issue a hosepipe ban as 63,000,000 gallons of water have been wasted by people doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on September 10, 2014, 09:46:08 pm: Michael J Fox selfie:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/1544491_10152671494598278_3665061507917953755_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on September 17, 2014, 08:52:24 pm: speed hump
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on October 31, 2014, 11:24:27 am: Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject at school?
A: Spelling.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 06, 2014, 05:24:25 pm: Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on January 13, 2015, 06:06:25 pm: Hacker.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jason on January 14, 2015, 02:21:33 pm: Quote from: lofty on January 13, 2015, 06:06:25 pm
Hacker.
A great way to quote Spaceballs :D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brian on January 16, 2015, 12:41:47 am: A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a
British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you
like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that,
and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over
that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's
Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration &
rasped

They won't let me in without a tie!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on January 16, 2015, 04:25:54 pm: Next thursday up the pub we are holding a seminar to help people who have problems reaching orgasm.
If you can't come please let me know.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on January 16, 2015, 04:47:33 pm: Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.' ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on January 31, 2015, 12:42:34 pm: Found in Ireland thought to be a mass grave of snowmen.
Later found to be a carrot field.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Grand_Fromage on February 14, 2015, 12:07:22 pm: For Valentines day

Roses are red
This much is true
Violets are violet
Not feckin blue
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on February 19, 2015, 11:41:31 am: The Greek Bail Out Explained

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 20, 2015, 08:50:01 am: Stu - did you see (hear) this one

Still this is great on the Eurozone crisis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KUcu5HdhYI
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on February 20, 2015, 02:08:24 pm: Like it Neil ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on February 28, 2015, 08:45:44 pm: want a job?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on April 20, 2015, 09:18:07 pm: A close friend recently died of a viagra overdose.I went to see his widow the at the weekend ans she said she was stilll finding it hard!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on July 11, 2015, 07:15:50 pm: Bloody hell the european bank has just anounced the price of houmous and taramosalata has risen 150%. Its been declared a double dip recession. Boom boom.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on July 11, 2015, 09:27:57 pm: The Germans are furiously reprinting Euro notes on greeceproof paper.

Meanwhile, they've asked George Foreman to help as his grills get rid of the grease

Yes you all heard them last week, but for the record ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on July 25, 2015, 07:17:34 pm: Ikea job
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 08, 2015, 05:58:24 pm: dentist
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on August 25, 2015, 11:33:32 am: A pun by comedian Darren Walsh has scooped the prize for funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.
The 39-year-old, whose show Punderbolt is on at the Pleasance, took first place in the vote by TV channel Dave.
The winning joke was:

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 25, 2015, 09:19:49 pm: I liked the one about the hippo and the zippo.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on August 25, 2015, 09:22:14 pm: Quote from: lofty on August 25, 2015, 09:19:49 pm
I liked the one about the hippo and the zippo.

The difference between the two being that one was a little lighter?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 28, 2015, 03:11:50 pm: Yep that's my bestest one.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on September 16, 2015, 08:29:58 pm: The Queeeen
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on October 13, 2015, 07:55:37 pm: Hilary Clinton finds out shes 5 weeks pregnant.
She calls Bill "You bastard im 5 weeks pregnant"
Silence.
"Well im on the election trail, hows that gonna work?"
Silence.
"What you gonna do about it? Bill......Bill you bastard"
Bill answers in a whisper " Hello who is this calling?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on October 17, 2015, 06:15:27 pm: Joke
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: dukla on October 22, 2015, 01:55:08 am: There is a new play off for 5th place in the rugby world cup..

Known as 6 nations!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on November 13, 2015, 05:54:20 pm: Grumpy
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on November 14, 2015, 02:37:32 am: Quote from: lofty on November 13, 2015, 05:54:20 pm
Grumpy

Thanks Lofty,
I think I will have another Beer ;D
Phil
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 16, 2015, 08:50:44 pm: One for the Gourmets out there.

(https://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/1378846575_Lost-Colostomy-Bag.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on November 17, 2015, 01:34:24 pm: SICK, SICK,SICK.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on December 05, 2015, 04:39:45 pm: This pic reminds me of half a dozen knob ends stood next to each other in the gunniess tent messing about with their phones when they could havin the craic.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on December 06, 2015, 04:03:46 pm: I don't understand it either - they could do that at home.

Did you see the Oscar Pistorius Advent calendar by Smirnoff? There's a shot behind every door
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on December 22, 2015, 08:37:13 pm: The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday - his funfair is next monkey.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on February 19, 2016, 07:06:36 pm: Care needed when sign writting a van
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on February 19, 2016, 07:13:16 pm: A couple were in the art gallery in Cardiff looking at a picture of 3 naked black men sitting on a park bench. They had been studing the picture for 10 minutes wondering why the man in the middle had a pink Willy and the other 2 had black ones when the curator spotted them and gave them a talk about African American history. After the curators talk a Welsh man stood next to the couple and said the 3 blokes were all coal miners and the one in the middle had gone home for lunch.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on April 26, 2016, 06:32:15 pm: Last week on my way back from the pub the old bill pulled me over.
Where you going at this time of night sonny?
im on way to a lecture about drinking smoking and staying out late sir, i replied.
At 2am whos giving a lecture at 2am?
My wife i said.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: enzo on May 03, 2016, 05:42:43 pm: An actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE ... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 01, 2016, 07:42:00 pm: New development for next year.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on August 02, 2016, 01:23:40 pm: Quote from: lofty on August 01, 2016, 07:42:00 pm
New development for next year.
Im not going to ask anyone to stick another log in the fire
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on August 02, 2016, 10:36:06 pm: Thing is Kev you just flush to put out the bbq. But remember the bowl might still be hot for some time after.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on November 11, 2016, 02:38:41 pm: Paddy thought that he'd met "the one". The one he would spend the rest of his life with.

But one night, left alone in their flat, he was bored and decided to rifle through her drawers.

At the back of the bottom drawer he found a french maid's outfit, a nurses's uniform and a police woman's uniform plus handcuffs.

"f**k me!" said Paddy, "if she can't make up her mind about what career she wants to follow how can this girl ever become my wife?"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on November 25, 2016, 07:44:34 pm: A Young woman was on the golf course practising what she learnt in her lesson when she was stung by a bee. The pain was so intense she staggered back to the club house for some help. When she saw one of the pro golfer she explained what happened. Where did you get stung? asked the pro. Between holes 1 and 2 she said. The pro looked shocked. Then said well miss your legs were too far apart.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Jules G on December 02, 2016, 10:15:11 am: I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to f"c% off.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on December 15, 2016, 02:30:05 pm: A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 15, 2016, 07:10:51 pm: From the last century... :-)

She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised
Coz pasturised is best
She says Ernie I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Landy_Jon on December 15, 2016, 11:14:40 pm: I was once staying in a hotel just outside of Brussels a good few years back. Only thing on the tv was Benny Hill in Flemish - and it was just as funny.

As the great man once said "Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on January 06, 2017, 06:57:02 pm: Cat fire alarm.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bonio on January 16, 2017, 07:52:40 pm: Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable...
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on January 27, 2017, 06:11:02 pm: A lady walks past a pet shop and notices a beautifull Parrot vin the window with a 50 quid price label on the cage. She goes in and asks why is such a fantastic bird so cheap. The pet shop owner admits that the Parrot used to be in a brothel and can say some naughty things. The lady thinks oh well here goes and takes the bird home. After a couple of hours in the living room the Parrot says "new madam". The lady thinks thats not too bad. Another hour goes past and the Parrot says "new house". When the lady get home from picking up her 2 daughters from school the Parrot says "new girls". So far so good thinks the lady. The lady's husband comes home from work and the Parrot says "hello Keith".
BOOM BOOM
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bonio on January 31, 2017, 09:53:45 pm: A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bonio on February 16, 2017, 06:22:38 pm: A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: geoffd on February 22, 2017, 03:00:24 pm: I went to a zoo last weekend, the only animal it had was a dog. It was a shitzu....
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on February 24, 2017, 12:49:46 pm: Nice.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on March 15, 2017, 02:40:59 pm: Two policemen with a dog were standing outside of a pub.

A guy comes out, lifts up the dog's tail, shakes his head and walks back inside.

A few minutes later another guy comes out of the pub & does the same thing.

The policemen begin to wonder what's going on but don't say anything.

When a third guy comes out of the pub to look at the dog's arse they stop him and ask 'what are you doing?'

The drunken guy replies 'sorry, but I had to look for myself as there's a bloke in there who says that there's a dog with two arseholes standing at the front of the pub'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on March 15, 2017, 07:00:11 pm: Landman 1066 post!!! Ready for the invasion?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on March 15, 2017, 07:02:18 pm: Quote from: lofty on March 15, 2017, 07:00:11 pm
Landman 1066 post!!! Ready for the invasion?

What's that in my eye?
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on March 15, 2017, 07:12:28 pm: help
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jimclark on March 15, 2017, 09:55:39 pm: I've got nothing to add; but I likes it^^^.... :o ;D ... and the joke itself, too.... ;)

(I'm on the way to the beach as we speak to go "drown"....)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on May 14, 2017, 01:39:14 pm: Squirrels.
There are 4 churches and a synagogue in a small town.The whole town had terrible problems with squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide how to fix the problem and determined that the squirrels were God's creatures and should'nt be interfered with. It was afterall God's will. At the Baptist church the deacons met and decided to install a waterslide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown. The squirrels liked the slide so much and even learned to swim, so even more squirrels moved in and the population thrived. The Methodists did'nt want to harm God's creatures so they trapped the little f**k*rs and let them go near the Baptist's Church. The Catholic were very creative and baptised the sqirrels and concerated them as members of the Church. The squirrels only go in the Church at chirstmas and easter. Not much was heard about the problem from the synagogue.The Rabi took one squirrel and had him circumcised. No more squirrels came back afterwards.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on June 09, 2017, 08:43:47 pm: JOKE
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 09, 2017, 09:59:47 am: SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Landy_Jon on September 09, 2017, 08:43:36 pm: My parents have admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both really drunk on weak Aussie beer...

It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child!
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JimMichaels on September 14, 2017, 08:28:17 am: Quote from: Landy_Jon on September 09, 2017, 08:43:36 pm

My parents have admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both really drunk on weak Aussie beer...

It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child!

Hahaha! This definitely cracked me up. ;D
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JimMichaels on September 15, 2017, 09:06:55 am: A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little sh*t's name is Kevin.”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on September 15, 2017, 05:49:35 pm: :laugh:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Landy_Jon on September 15, 2017, 09:12:29 pm: ^^^ wot he said ^^^
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JimMichaels on September 16, 2017, 04:47:40 am: There were once five people on an airplane, all of a sudden, it started to crash. Inside were a girl scout, a boy scout, the pilot, a lawyer, and the pope. There were only four parachutes left.

The girl scout shouted, "I have too much to live for!" So she grabbed her parachute and jumped.

The pilot shouted, "Good luck y'all, but I'm not going down with my own plane!" So he grabbed his parachute and jumped.

The lawyer shouted, "I'm the world's smartest man! I deserve to live more than you two!" So he grabbed his parachute and jumped.

Only left were one parachute, the boy scout, and the pope. The pope places his hands on the boy's shoulders and says, "Son, I lived a long life. You're just a lad, so I want you to take the last parachute."

The boy scout laughed and said, "Don't worry, we'll both live; the world's smartest man just grabbed my backpack!"
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JimMichaels on September 18, 2017, 06:59:33 am: I went to the store with my wife.

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said: "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

I asked, "How can we afford this?"

She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."

I said (and much to her dismay), "so will a case of beer at half the price."
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Landy_Jon on September 18, 2017, 09:06:53 pm: Quote from: JimMichaels on September 18, 2017, 06:59:33 am
I went to the store with my wife.

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said: "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

I asked, "How can we afford this?"

She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."

I said (and much to her dismay), "so will a case of beer at half the price."

You're going to hell for that one - love it 8)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: landman on September 18, 2017, 10:44:15 pm: Mum: What's the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe?

Son: It's Narnia business.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JimMichaels on September 19, 2017, 10:26:00 am: A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on October 07, 2017, 11:20:26 am: A blond woman pushes her BMW into a garage.She tells the mechanic it "just died",after a few minutes of tinkering it's running smoothly. "What was wrong?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburettor"the bloke replies."How often do i have to do that"she says.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on December 22, 2017, 05:00:17 pm: (http://www.visir.is/front/i/67ee1a9ed10e3501b8c6d7425f25e41c.jpg)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on December 22, 2017, 05:00:42 pm: (https://i.imgur.com/nuN8IbQ.png)
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on December 22, 2017, 05:01:06 pm: What has 14 windows and doesnt open?

Cheggars advent calender.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on February 16, 2018, 04:49:54 pm: Tat
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on February 16, 2018, 04:53:34 pm: Joke
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on February 16, 2018, 07:29:52 pm: I was kidnapped by mime artists, they did unspeakable things to me.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on June 28, 2018, 03:43:19 pm: Berqa
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on October 02, 2018, 09:33:58 pm: Just applied for a job with Citroën. I had to send two cvs.

:angel:
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on October 02, 2018, 09:35:09 pm: I've no idea why my new plug in air freshener won't work, I plug it in and switch it on.. nothing!

I've tried everything, It just doesn't make scents.
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kev_mk3 on October 02, 2018, 09:37:25 pm: Nelson Mandela was sitting at home when he heard a knock at the door. He answered it. There is a Chinese man with a clip board, yelling 'you sign , you sign'' whilst pointing to a van load of exhausts for cars. Nelson Mandela refuses, saying ''look, you've got the wrong address'' and shuts the door.

Next day, there is another knock at the door. It is the Chinese delivery man back, this time with a van load of brake pads. Yelling again ''you sign , you sign''. Again Nelson Mandela, refuses, saying ''clear off. you've got the wrong address''.

The following day the same thing happens. The Chinese man back, this time with a van full of windscreens. Again saying ''you sign , you sign'' .
This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper ''look, you must have the wrong name, I don't want these, who do you want them for''.
The Chinese man looks puzzled, looks at his clipboard and says '' so you are not Nissan main dealer?''
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: lofty on December 13, 2018, 12:40:54 pm: Topical
Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jimclark on December 27, 2018, 03:24:46 am: SPAGHETTI .

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in
him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage,he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support payments.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post
card today."

Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it ," he said. The
wife obeyed, and, watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one
without !!!!